28 November 2006

Jesus will search your kidneys

I [Jesus] am he which searcheth the reins [kidneys] and hearts. Revelation 2:23

Yes, it's true. Jesus is going to search through your kidneys. And if he doesn't like what he finds there, he's going to send you to hell.

You see, according to the Bible, your conscience is in your kidneys (called "reins" in the King James Version). So by inspecting them, Jesus can tell if you've been naughty or nice.

Here are some other verses that give a God's eye view of kidneys.

Oh let the wickedness of the wicked come to an end; but establish the just: for the righteous God trieth the hearts and reins. Psalm 7:9
I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. Pslam 16:7
Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart. Psalm 26:2
Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. Psalm 73:21
Yea, my reins shall rejoice, when thy lips speak right things. Proverbs 23:16
But, O LORD of hosts, that judgest righteously, that triest the reins and the heart. Jeremiah 11:20
I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. Jeremiah 17:10
But, O LORD of hosts, that triest the righteous, and seest the reins and the heart. Jeremiah 20:12

13 comments:

Ritchie Annand said...

*grin* Steve, is this and the hair bit a part of a new ongoing series about body parts in the bible?

I'm so excited I need to go empty my reins...

I like the thematic posts, especially about the antichrists and the spirit of the Lord coming upon people.

SAB's a great reference, too, though it doesn't make the vast majority of the Book of Job much easier to stay awake for :)

3vil g3nius said...

Hahaha
If you call sodium, chloride and urea conscience then you'll find heaps of that in your kidneys.

JudahGabriel said...

Reins was a euphemism for the center of feelings, much like "mind" is now. Saying, "I'm searching my mind for something" does not mean I'm digging through my medulla oblongata, but rather, searching through thoughts and emotions.

In the attempt to mock other people's beliefs, the author of Skeptics missed the point, as did you.

Anonymous said...

These atheists, mockers fail to understand what 'figures of speech' are in Hebrew and Greek literature.

It does make one wonder if they are ignorant of literary devices in English literature. such words as SATIRE, ANALOGY, just to name a few

freedomofthought said...

I find it interesting that theists can get so bent out of shape when someone pokes fun at a biblical synonym, yet when the real metaphors come to light, such as the story of Jonah, they become indignant and try to claim that the story is literal regardless of the mounds of evidence to the contrary. You people crack me up!

Ryan said...

"Satire"? "Analogy"? "Figure of Speech"? Wow, I had no idea that the bible was written by Shakespeare! So let me get this straight: God gives you the bible and tell you: "What I want you to do is written in here. But I'm not gonna tell you what it means and you have to try to guess it. If you guess it wrong, you go to hell."

Fair game huh?


Anonymous wrote:
These atheists, mockers fail to understand what 'figures of speech' are in Hebrew...

PLEEEEASE don't pull the one that goes "Literary devices in english literature". The bible (if it was really the message of god) was written by the Disciples, who undoubtedly spoke HEBREW. All other versions of the bible whatsoever are simply translations. For all I know, my grandmother could have translated the bible and wrote in: "In the beginning God created Cheese." Try to guess the "figure of speech" in that one will ya?


JudahGabriel wrote:
Reins was a[n] euphemism for the center of feelings.

- ..So I'm guessing we feel with our kidneys...? o_O At least "searching my mind" makes sense, as opposed to "searching my kidney's sensory organs".

JudahGabriel ALSO wrote:
In the attempt to mock other people's beliefs, the author of Skeptics missed the point, as did you.

- In the attempt to trying to defend your religion by applying a nonsensical metaphor, the indignant Christians missed the point, as did you.

Shiver said...

Ryan - John the Theologian who is the author of the book of Revelations wrote it in greek, as Judeea was at the time a Roman province, and the lingua franca of the empire was greek. Most "modern" hebrews of the day did not speak hebrew at all, but aramaic and greek, it's like english today. For all intents and purposes the greek version is the original.

Ryan wrote:
At least "searching my mind" makes sense, as opposed to "searching my kidney's sensory organs".

Greek is not the only language to consider the center of feeling somewhere in the abdominal area. Look up the japanese concept of Hara (as in harakiri) which literally means belly, but figuratively refers to one's affective consciousness.

Just because a metaphor doesn't make sense to YOU, doesn't mean you shouldn't do your homework before rebuffing it. :)

ramen said...

Ohhh, I see what God did there! This makes perfect sense, of course. It was GREEK and it means CONSCIENCE. This explains why, whenever I worship a graven image, I get a urinary tract infection! I'm converted!

Alejandro Nova said...

And what about kidney transplant???

TTrotter said...

Why is it not funny to the author that Jesus will search hearts? Does the author believe the heart thinks or is he just more familiar with that idiom?

nazani said...

All the commentors here need to do a bit of research on ancient medicine; more so Egyptian and Babylonian than Greek. The medical/magical practices of the ancient Hebrews were most strongly influenced by those cultures. I cannot find any indication in the New Testament that Greek and Roman medicine was known to the population of Judea.
There is no proof that when the biblical authors wrote about feeling emotions or having ideas with their hearts or kidneys,they were speaking metaphorically. Remember that examination of examination of livers and other internal organs of sacrificed animals was a widespread means of divination.
The concept that consciousness was located in the brain arose much later:
A Historical Review of the Purpose of the Brain
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/562657_3

Now, how about an examination of Biblical distinctions between consciousness/mind and soul?- if there is any.

carpad said...

All this criticism of the Bible is breaking my heart. Truly, it leaves me with butterflies in my stomach. If only I could be around in 3000 years time when people laugh at my idiotic understanding of human biology. "To think they really thought that butterflies could survive in the stomach!"

Norbert Abone said...

i had this gut feeling to make a comment.does that mean feelings emanate from the guts? "it would take lots of guts to face a lion in the jungle" means boldness comes from the guts."my heart leaped for joy when i heard the news"- means joy originates from the heart and that the heart leaps.The bible writers used words and figures of speech prevalent at the time of writing.