23 December 2008

The Green Bible: An excerise in dishonesty

Have you seen "The Green Bible"? Well if not, you really should take a look. You won't find a more dishonest book anywhere.

It was published a few months ago and I recently found a copy in the public library. Its approach is simple: highlight in green all passages that provide God's instructions about caring for the environment.

I don't have time to go through all of the passages that are marked green in the Green Bible (there are over 1,000), so I thought I'd just pick one of the Bible's books and go through that. I chose Revelation.

There are 41 "green" passages in Revelation. Here they are.

  1. And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood. Revelation 1:5-7

    (Protect the environment by washing it in Jesus's blood.)

  2. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God. 2:7

    (This was marked green since it has the word "tree" in it.)

  3. Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth. 3:10

    (God is going to tempt every living thing on earth -- except for Christians, of course. God likes Christians.)

  4. And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever. 4:9

    (Beasts give glory, honor, and thanks to a God that sits around on a throne in heaven. But the beasts here are kind of special (see the preceding verse 4:8). They have six wings and are covered with eyes, and they sing continuously day and night: "Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.")

  5. Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. 4:11

    (God created guinea worms, bot flies and parasitic wasps for his own pleasure. He likes to watch things suffer.)

  6. And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth. 5:6

    (There are 4 beasts and a dead lamb with 7 horns and 7 eyes which are really the 7 spirits of God that were sent down to earth for some reason. I'm sure there's an important environmental message from God here somewhere.)

  7. And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever. 5:12-13

    (Animals spend all their time praying out loud in Hebrew, saying stuff like: "God you are so big...")

  8. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. 6:4

    (God will send an all-powerful red horse with a big sword to take peace from the earth by forcing people to kill each other.)

  9. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. 6:8

    (God will send an all-powerful pale horse that will kill one fourth of the human population with war, starvation, and predatory animals. Note: The Green Bible says it will be a "pale green horse." That's why this verse is marked green.)

  10. And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. 6:14

    (God rolled up the sky and moved islands and mountains around. Just for the heck of it, I guess.)

  11. I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth ... And I saw another angel ... and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea, Saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads. 7:1-3

    (God assigned four angels to hurt the earth and the sea, but he tells them to wait until he has marked 144,000 male virgins. When he's done with the marking job, though, the angels can go ahead and hurt the earth and sea.

    This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was the angels' God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job.

    A friend of the family gave us a coffee cup that features this verse and the cute illustration shown below.)

  12. And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God, Saying, Amen: Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen. 7:11-12

    (The angels, elders, and beasts all hang around the throne saying "Oh God, you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we're all really impressed up here, I can assure you..." for ever and ever.)

  13. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. The Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. 7:16-17

    (The 144,000 male virgins will be fed by a lamb, drink living water, and have their tears washed away by God.)

  14. And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast it into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake. 8:5

    (An angel took some fire from the altar in heaven and threw it down to earth which caused loud voices, thunder, lightening and an earthquake.)

  15. The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died; and the third part of the ships were destroyed. And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters. 8:7-10

    (The 1st angel causes hail, fire mixed with blood, and burned down 1/3 of the earth's trees. The 2nd angel burns up a mountain and casts it into the sea, making 1/3 of the sea blood and killing 1/3 of sea life. And the 3rd angel made a star fall from heaven that burned up 1/3 of the rivers.)

  16. And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit ... And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. 9:1-4

    (The 5th angel causes a star to fall from heaven and is given the key to a bottomless pit with locusts and scorpions. But God tells the scorpions not to hurt trees or grass -- only people that don't have the proper seals on their foreheads.)

  17. And the angel which I saw stand upon the sea and upon the earth lifted up his hand to heaven, And sware by him that liveth for ever and ever, who created heaven, and the things that therein are, and the earth, and the things that therein are, and the sea, and the things which are therein, that there should be time no longer. 10:5-6

    (An angel stands on sea and land and says there will be no more time. Could this be God's way of warning us that time is running out for us to save the planet? Of course it could. This is the Bible; anything could mean anything or nothing at all.)

  18. These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. 11:4

    (There were these two olive trees and two candlesticks and they walked into a bar and said to the bartender...)

  19. And the seventh angel sounded; and there were great voices in heaven, saying, The kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever. 11:15

    (The 7th angel sounded, there were some voices in heaven, and Jesus will reign forever and ever. I wonder what environmental message God is trying to convey in this passage.)

  20. And the nations were angry, and thy wrath is come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that thou shouldest give reward unto thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great; and shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth. 11:18

    Is God going to "destroy them which destroy the earth." But I thought God told the angels to hurt the earth? Is God going to destroy himself?

  21. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. 12:12

    (The devil is going to hurt the inhabitants of the earth and sea. And God is going to ls going to just sit back and watch. God likes to watch.)

  22. And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast. 13:3

    (The whole world wondered after the wounded beast. You know, the one that came out of the sea with ten horns and seven heads that looked like a leopard but with feet like a bear and a mouth like a lion. Yeah that one.)

  23. And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to preach unto them that dwell on the earth, and to every nation, and kindred, and tongue, and people. 14:6

    (A flying angel preaches to the folks on earth, writing in smoke the words, "Surrender Dorothy.")

  24. And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. 14:14

    (Jesus sits in a white cloud with a gold crown and a sharp sickle. Everyone that sees him wonders what the fuck is he doing with that sickle.)

  25. And I saw another sign in heaven, great and marvellous, seven angels having the seven last plagues; for in them is filled up the wrath of God. 15:1

    (A marvelous sign of God's wrath and concern for the environment: 7 angels with 7 plagues filled with the wrath of God.)

  26. And they sing the song of Moses the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb, saying, Great and marvellous are thy works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints. Who shall not fear thee, O Lord, and glorify thy name? for thou only art holy. 15:3-4

    (Everybody in heaven sings the "song of the lamb" and says cool things like, "Oh God, you are so strong, and well, just so super...")

  27. And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth. 16:1

    (God tells the angels to destroy the environment by pouring out the wrath of God on the earth.)

  28. And every island fled away, and the mountains were not found. And there fell upon men a great hail out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent. 16:20-21

    (God destroyed the islands and mountains and huge hail fell from heaven that killed many people. He did this because he loves islands, mountains, and people so much!)

  29. And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God: For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand. 19:1-2

    (God judged the great whore that corrupted the earth with her fornication.)

  30. And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. 20:12

    (Dead people will be judged by God.)

  31. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. 20:14-15

    (God will throw most dead people into a lake of fire.)

  32. And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. 21:1-3

    (God will soon destroy the earth, both land and sea. He doesn't value them and neither should you.)

  33. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 21:5

    (God is going to make all things new -- right after he gets done destroying everything!)

  34. The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. 21:6-8

    (God will burn some dead people forever.)

  35. And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, Having the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal. 21:10-11

    (An angel carried the author of Revelation to a high mountain to show him Jerusalem. It had really cool lights.)

  36. And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof. 21:23-24

    (The new Jerusalem won't need the sun or moon, so you can trash the whole solar system if you feel like it.)

  37. And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb's book of life. 21:27

    (Only people whose names are written in the book of life will get into the heavenly city.)

  38. And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb. In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. 22:1-2

    (In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard.)

  39. And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever. 22:5

    (There will be no sun, night, or candles in heaven. Just God. All God, all the time.)

  40. Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. 22:14

    (The "tree of life" is not a real tree. Real trees will all be destroyed by God along with everything else on earth.)

  41. And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely. 22:17

    (The spirit and the bride and everyone that hears says, "Come".)

  42. Okay. That's it. That's all the verses in Revelation that are marked green in the Green Bible. The question is why. Why were any of these verses marked green?

    Revelation, like the rest of the Bible, is clear: God doesn't give a damn about the environment. He gave power to angels to damage earth and sea (Revelation 7:2-3); sent angels to burn earth, trees and grass (8:7); burned mountains and threw them into the sea (8:8); turned one third of the sea into blood, killing one third of its wildlife (8:8-9); threw down a star from heaven to destroy one third of the rivers (8:10); killed "every living soul in the sea" (16:3); dried up the Euphrates river (16:12); destroyed islands and mountains (16:20); ; and he plans to soon destroy the entire earth and every living thing on it. (21:1).

    You'd have to be dishonest to mark anything green in the Bible. But that didn't stop the creators of the Green Bible.

03 December 2008

Richard Dawkins: The God of the Old Testament

(Repost with Bible verses that support Richard Dawkins' description of the Old Testament God. Let me know if I've left out some good verses -- I started to poop out toward the end.)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction:

jealous and proud of it

How jealous and proud is he? Well, his name is Jealous. And he named himself!

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14

Here are some more verses where God brags about his jealousy.

I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5
For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24
I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Deuteronomy 5:9
(For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 6:15
The LORD will not spare him, but then the anger of the LORD and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven. Deuteronomy 29:20
They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. Deuteronomy 32:16
They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. Deuteronomy 32:21
He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19
And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked him to jealousy with their sins. 1 Kings 14:22
And he put forth the form of an hand, and took me by a lock of mine head; and the spirit lifted me up between the earth and the heaven, and brought me in the visions of God to Jerusalem, to the door of the inner gate that looketh toward the north; where was the seat of the image of jealousy, which provoketh to jealousy. Ezekiel 8:3
Then said he unto me, Son of man, lift up thine eyes now the way toward the north. So I lifted up mine eyes the way toward the north, and behold northward at the gate of the altar this image of jealousy in the entry. Ezekiel 8:5
I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy. Ezekiel 16:38
So will I make my fury toward thee to rest, and my jealousy shall depart from thee, and I will be quiet, and will be no more angry. Ezekiel 16:42
And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. Ezekiel 23:25
Surely in the fire of my jealousy have I spoken against the residue of the heathen. Ezekiel 36:5
For in my jealousy and in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel. Ezekiel 38:19
God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; Nahum 1:2
Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. Zechariah 1:14
Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury. Zechariah 8:2
All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3:8
a petty,
A golden bell and a pomegranate ... shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. Exodus 28:34-35

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19

Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. Deuteronomy 22:12

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. Deuteronomy 23:2

unjust,
If thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

The LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast. Exodus 13:15

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers. Isaiah 14:21

See here for a list of Old Testament injustices.

unforgiving

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up a cry or prayer for them: for I will not hear them in the time that they cry unto me for their trouble. Jeremiah 11:14

When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. Jeremiah 14:12

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

control-freak;
But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods (hemorrhoids), and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart: ... Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: ... The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. ... And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:15-68
a vindictive,
I kill .. I wound ... I will render vengeance to mine enemies ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

He will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries. Deuteronomy 32:43

To me belongeth vengeance and recompence ... for the day of their calamity is at hand. Deuteronomy 32:35

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Nunbers 11:1

Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine: Jeremiah 11:22

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard. Micah 5:15

bloodthirsty

And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the blood, and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:17

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

I kill .. I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34:5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, ... their land shall be soaked with blood, ... For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance. Isaiah 34:7-8

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63:2-6

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ezekiel 39:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:19

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17

See here for a list of Old Testament cruelties.

ethnic cleanser;

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

a misogynistic,

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Nunbers 31:15-19

And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women ... shalt thou take unto thyself. Deuteronomy 20:13-14

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her .... Thou shalt go in unto her. Deuteronomy 21:11-13

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated .... Deuteronomy 21:15

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... Deuteronomy 22:13

I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid. Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:14-21

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD Ezekiel 26:6

homophobic,

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

racist,

One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-8

The LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 7:6

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever. Deuteronomy 23:3

infanticidal,

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29

Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:16

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. Leviticus 26:22

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick... on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

genocidal,

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. Deuteronomy 20:16-17

So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:40

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

filicidal,

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:2

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death. Leviticus 20:9

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... hou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

pestilential,

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Nunbers 11:33

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Nunbers 21:6

The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:13

So will I send upon you famine and evil beasts, and they shall bereave thee: and pestilence and blood shall pass through thee; and I will bring the sword upon thee. I the LORD have spoken it. Ezekiel 5:17

megalomaniacal,

Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly. 2 Samuel 22:8-11

Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:23

sadomasochistic,

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

capriciously malevolent

Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark ... fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekiel 9:4-7

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 12:20

bully.
And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the LORD: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy. Jeremiah 15:3

And I will call for a sword against him throughout all my mountains, saith the Lord GOD: every man's sword shall be against his brother. And I will plead against him with pestilence and with blood; and I will rain upon him, and upon his bands, and upon the many people that are with him, an overflowing rain, and great hailstones, fire, and brimstone. Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:21-23

10 November 2008

God on Trial: The Rabbi Speaks

Rabbi Akiba: Who led us out of Egypt?

Judge: God led us out of Egypt.

Rabbi: I have a question. Why were we in Egypt to start with?

Judge: There was a famine, so we took shelter.

Rabbi: Who sent the famine?

Judge: Well we don't know much about the famine...

Rabbi: God sent the famine. So God sent us to Egypt and God took us out of Egypt.

Judge: And later he sent us out of Babylon in order that we might...

Rabbi: And when he brought us out of Egypt, how did he do it? By words, vision, miracle?

Judge: Moses asked Pharaoh...

Rabbi: And when Pharaoh said no?

Inmate: The plagues.

Rabbi: First Moses turned the Egyptians' water to blood. Then God sent the plague of frogs; next a plague of mosquitoes; then a plague of flies. Then he slew their livestock. Next a plague of boils. Next came the hail, which battered down the crops and even the trees and structures everywhere, except in Goshen where the Israelites lived.

Judge: But still Pharaoh did not agree.

Rabbi: And so a plague of locusts, and then the days of darkness, and finally what?

Judge: God slew the firstborn of Egypt and led us out of Egypt.

Rabbi: He struck down the firstborn, from the firstborn and heir of Pharaoh to the firstborn of the slave at the mill. He slew them all. Did he slay Pharaoh?

Judge: No, I don't think so. It was later.

Rabbi: It was Pharaoh that said no, but God let him live. And slew his children instead. All the children. And then the people made their escape taking with them the gold and silver and jewelry and garments of the Egyptians. And then God drowned the soldiers who pursued them. He did not close the waters up so that the soldier could not follow. He waited until they were following and then he closed the waters. And then what?

Judge: And then the desert and ultimately the promised land.

Rabbi: No. The promised land was empty and a new place, uncultivated.

Judge: No. There were...

Rabbi: When the Lord thy God shall bring you into the promised land you shall cast out many nations before you, nations much greater and mightier than you are. You shall smite them and utterly destroy them. Make no covenant with them and show no mercy to them.

Inmate: It shows us his favor. We are his people.

Rabbi: And he gave us a king in Saul. Now when the people of Amalek fought Saul's people, what did the Lord God command? I'll ask the scholar.

Scholar: Crush Amalek and put him under the curse of destruction.

Rabbi: Was Saul to show any mercy to spare anyone?

Scholar: Do not spare...

Rabbi: Do not spare him, but kill. Kill man, woman, babe, and suckling, ox, and sheep, cattle and donkey. So Saul set out to do this and on the way he met some Kenites. Now these were not Amalek's people, he had no quarrel with them. He urged them to flee. And the Lord our God was he pleased by the mercy of Saul, by the justice of Saul?

Scholar: No. No he wasn't.

Rabbi: And when Saul decided not to slaughter all the livestock and to take it to feed his people, was God pleased with his prudence, his charity?

Scholar: No.

Rabbi: No, he was not. He said, you have rejected the word of Adonai, therefore he has rejected you as king. And then to please the Lord our God, Samuel brought forth the king Agar and hacked him to pieces before the Lord at Gilgar.

After Saul there came David who took Bathsheba the wife of Uriah the Hittite to himself after arranging to have Uriah killed -- against the wishes of God. Did God strike David for this?

Scholar: In a manner of speaking...

Rabbi: Did he strike Bathsheba?

Scholar: In the sense that when they had...

Rabbi: Adonai said, since you have sinned against me, the child will die. (Turning to the judge) You asked earlier, who would punish a child? God does.

Rabbi: Now did the child die suddenly, mercifully, without pain?

Scholar: In a...

Rabbi: Seven days. Seven days that child spent dying in pain while David wrapped himself in sack and ashes and fasted and sought to show his sorrow to God. Did God listen?

Scholar: The child died.

Rabbi: Did that child find that God was just?

Did the Amalekites think that Adonai was just?

Did the mothers of Egypt -- the mothers -- did they think that Adonai was just?

Scholar: But Adonai is our God, surely...

Rabbi: Oh, what? Did God not make the Egyptians? Did he not make their rivers and make their crops grow? If not him, then who? What? Some other God? But what did he make them for? To punish them? To starve, to frighten, to slaughter them? The people of Amalek, the people of Egypt, what was it like for them when Adonai turned against them? It was like this.

Today there was a selection, yes? When David defeated the Moabites, what did he do?

Judge: He made them lie on the ground in lines and he chose one to live and two to die.

Rabbi: We have become the Moabites. We are learning how it was for the Amalekites. They faced extinction at the hand of Adonai. They died for his purpose. They fell as we are falling. They were afraid as we are afraid. And what did they learn? They learned that Adonai, the Lord our God, our God, is not good. He is not good. He was not ever good. He was only on our side.

God is not good. At the beginning when he repented that he had made human beings and flooded the earth. Why? What had they done to deserve annihilation? What could they have done to deserve such wholesale slaughter? What could they have done that was so bad? God is not good.

When he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Abraham should have said no. We should have taught our God the justice that was in our hearts. We should have stood up to him. He is not good. He has simply been strong. He has simply been on our side.

When we were brought here, we were brought by train. A guard slapped my face. On their belts they had written "Got mit uns" -- God is with us. Who is to say that he is not? Perhaps he is. Is there any other explanation? What we see here: his power, his majesty, his might, all these things that turned against us. He is still God, but not our God. He has become our enemy.

That is what's happened to our covenant. He has made a new covenant with someone else.

God on Trial

Did you see "God on Trial" last night on PBS? If not, you can still watch it (sort of) online here. (Though if your computer is as slow as mine, the video can't keep up with the audio.)

I thought it was superb. Every aspect of the issue was fully developed and presented during the play. If anyone can find the script somewhere online, I'd love to have it. Otherwise I'll just have to transcribe portions of the trial myself so that I can present it here.

05 November 2008

The Seven Wonders of the Book of Mormon

OK, it's finally over. Sarah Palin has returned to Alaska and Barack Obama is our new president. I feel like a born again American.

So I'm in the mood for something completely different. How about something from the Book of Mormon?

Although you may have missed it, Donald Parry, a BYU professor, said at a recent Book of Mormon Lands Conference that the Book of Mormon is filled with "wonder upon wonder upon wonder." Here is his list of the seven wonders of the Book of Mormon.

But I think he left out the most wonderful wonders of all. Here is my list.

  1. The night before Jesus was born was as bright as day everywhere on earth.
    And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came unto him, saying ... the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world ... It came to pass that ... behold, at the going down of the sun there was no darkness ... when the night came. ... [A]ll the people upon the face of the whole earth from the west to the east, both in the land north and in the land south, were so exceedingly astonished that they fell to the earth. ... It came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night, but it was as light as though it was mid-day. It came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again, according to its proper order; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born, because of the sign which had been given. 3 Nephi 1:12-19
  2. For three days after Jesus died there was absolutely no light anywhere on earth -- not from the sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires.
    This was prophesied in 6 BCE by a North American prophet. How amazing is that?
    And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death, behold, in that day that he shall suffer death the sun shall be darkened and refuse to give his light unto you; and also the moon and the stars; and there shall be no light upon the face of this land, even from the time that he shall suffer death, for the space of three days. Helaman 14:1, 20

    And then in 34 CE it happened just like it was supposed to!

    And the people began to look with great earnestness for the sign which had been given by the prophet Samuel, the Lamanite, yea, for the time that there should be darkness for the space of three days over the face of the land ... ... It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land.... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled ... And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars. 3 Nephi 8:3, 20-22
  3. When Jesus died, the entire earth was deformed. Cities sunk into the sea and the inhabitants were drowned. Other cities were burned or destroyed by earthquakes. Highways were broken up and many people were carried away by whirlwinds.
    And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... But behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death ... And behold, there shall be great tempests, and there shall be many mountains laid low, like unto a valley, and there shall be many places which are now called valleys which shall become mountains, whose height is great. ... And many highways shall be broken up, and many cities shall become desolate. Helaman 14:1, 20, 23-25
    And there was also a great and terrible tempest; and there was terrible thunder, insomuch that it did shake the whole earth as if it was about to divide asunder ... And the city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain. ... And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ... And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:6-17
  4. A voice from the sky was heard by every person on earth. (It was the voice of Jesus bragging about burning and drowning entire cities.)
    It came to pass that there was a voice heard among all the inhabitants of the earth, upon all the face of this land, crying: Wo, wo, wo unto this people; wo unto the inhabitants of the whole earth except they shall repent; for the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice, because of the slain of the fair sons and daughters of my people; ... Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof. And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned. that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, and the inhabitants thereof ... And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, ... And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, and made hills and valleys in the places thereof; and the inhabitants thereof have I buried up in the depths of the earth ... And behold, that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire ... And behold, the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof ... And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people ... Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.... 3 Nephi 9:1-15

    (See 3 Nephi 10:3-6 and 11:3-51 for two other long speeches that Jesus delivered with his sky voice.)

  5. God darkens people's skin to punish them for being evil and to separate them from the good (white) people.
    And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22
  6. God sometimes makes especially well-behaved dark-skinned people white and delightsome again!
    It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14-16
  7. Jesus made the already white skin of the Nephites ever whiter so that they became as white as he was, whiter than anything else on earth.
    It came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof ... And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples ... and behold they were white, even as Jesus. 3 Nephi 19:25-30

23 October 2008

What the Bible says about Sarah Palin's new clothes

Everyone's talking about Sarah's new clothes. But what does the Bible say about them?

Well, here is what the Old Testament says:

"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

I will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel. Zephaniah 1:8

I don't know whether Sarah's clothes were made of blended fabrics or if God considers them strange. Someone should check into that.

But the big problem comes from the New Testament. Here's what it has to say:

Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:9

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3

So costly apparel is out -- for women, anyway. I think even God might consider $150,000 costly.

And lastly we should ask, what would Jesus wear?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ... Therefore take no thought, saying, ... Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Matthew 6:28-32

So if Sarah cares about what Jesus said, she should either wear anything -- or nothing at all. Just like the lilies.

22 October 2008

Why should you pray for Sarah Palin?

All you prayer warriors out there want to know, I betcha.

Well, PrayForSarahPalin.com has the answer for ya.

In Ephesians 6:14-18, the apostle Paul warns: A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm.

OK, now you should understand. (Even though they got the verse numbers wrong. It's Ephesians 6:10-13).

You should pray because you are fighting on God's side and God is on Sarah Palin's side. Barck Obama is "of the devil". He and Joe Biden are not "flesh-and-blood enemies" but rather "evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world" and "mighty powers" of the "dark (black) world." They are allied with "evil spirits" in high places (like Washington and New York). This is the final battle "in the time of evil." You must "stand firm" by voting for Sarah Palin (and old what's his name).

Sarah feels the power of the prayer warriors

I can feel the power of prayer, and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation.

That was Sarah Palin in a Focus on the Family interview with James Dobson. You can listen to it here.

If you want to be one of Sarah Palin's prayer warriors, you can go to PrayForSarahPalin.com and sign up. They are tying to get at least one Palin prayer warrior in each zipcode. (So far they have 3665! Yipee! But since there are a total of about 43,000, they still have a way to go. God will need more than 8.5% of the zip codes represented for him to intervene by rigging the election.)

You'd think that Focus on the Family would have learned by now. Remember when they prayed for God to send rain on Obama's acceptance speech?

Nothing fails like prayer.

21 October 2008

The Bible's guide to abortion

I don't know how I missed this before, but I did. There is a biblical way of having an abortion. A method that is not only approved by God, it was invented by him. He describes it himself in the book of Numbers (5:11-31).

It's a bit long and complicated, so I'll break it up for you.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; Numbers 5:11-13

The first thing to notice is the context. This procedure is only intended for married couples, specifically for any man that suspects that his wife has been messing around. No proof is necessary; suspicion alone is sufficient to God.

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon ... And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water ... And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse.... (5:15-18)

OK, I am leaving some of the details out here, so if you're going to try this at home, make sure to follow God's instructions exactly. There's no guarantee any of this will work otherwise.

And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. 5:19-22

This is the part that fooled me. I get the idea that if the woman has been unfaithful, then the magic bitter water will do something awful to her. But I wasn't sure just what. What does it mean to have your belly swell and your thigh rot? But then I saw the footnote in the NIV that said it meant this: "cause you to be barren and have a miscarrying womb."

So if the woman is guilty (had sex with someone besides her husband), then the bitter water will make her unable to have children in the future. And if she is pregnant at the time, it will abort the pregnancy.

And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled; Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.5:27-31

It's all part of God's wondrous Law of Jealousies. God's magical abortion procedure. A priest, some bitter water, and a wife that you think might have been unfaithful. Priceless. So if God has his own abortion procedure, abortion can't be wrong, right?

05 October 2008

Hey Sarah: God hates winkers

Don't you just hate it when Sarah Palin winks? Me too.

And so does the God of the Bible.
(Every time Sarah Palin winks, God kills a kitten. -- Lola-Cola)

Here's what the Bible says about it:

A naughty person, a wicked man [or woman], walketh with a froward mouth. He winketh with his eyes ... he deviseth mischief continually; he soweth discord. Therefore shall his calamity come suddenly; suddenly shall he be broken without remedy. Proverbs 6:12-15

He [or she] that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow: but a prating fool shall fall. Proverbs 10:10

Is that a prophecy? You Betcha! Sarah Palin is a winking fool that causes sorrow and discord wherever she goes.

So hopefully, she and McCain will fall on November 4 -- in fulfillment of the Bible's prophecy.

25 September 2008

The Palin-McCain Economic Plan: The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous

Here's a quote from Thomas Muthee, Sarah Palin's witch-hunting spiritual guide.

The second area that God wants to penetrate in our society is the economic area. The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous [Proverbs 13:22]. It is high time that we have top Christian business men, business women, bankers ... running the economic affairs of our nation. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of the transformation.

So that's why Sarah Palin supports the 700 billion dollar bailout! It takes money from the wicked and gives it to all those righteous Christian bankers, just like it says we should do in Proverbs. It is all part of God's plan.

Here's the video. (The quoted portion begins at 1:20. If you watch to the end you can see Muthee free Sarah Palin of witchcraft.)

22 September 2008

Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit

Poor Sarah is in trouble again. This time for charging rape victims up to $1000 for rape kits while she was mayor of Wasilla.

But people should just leave Sarah Palin alone. She was only trying to faithfully apply the Bible's laws on rape. And that's not easy to do in a small town like Wasilla.

You see, the Bible has two laws on rape: one for city rape

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. -- Deuteronomy 22:23-24

and one for country rape.

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die. ... For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. -- Deuteronomy 22:25-27

But which law applies in Wasilla, which is neither city nor country? What do you do with a rape victim in a small town with small town values? Stone her to death for not crying out loudly enough or force her to marry her rapist?

In either case, Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit is more likely to include stones or wedding certificates than free medical examinations.

18 September 2008

The Bible and Islam agree: God hates mice (That includes you, Mickey!)

You've probably heard the news about Mickey Mouse: He's a soldier of Satan that should be killed on sight. Or so said Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, and he should know. I'll let him tell you about it.

So I couldn't help myself. I had to look in the Quran to see what it had to say about mice.

And do you know what I found? Nothing. Nada. The Quran doesn't mention mice. (Although the Hadith does. See here and here.)

But the Bible does. And it agrees with the Sheikh about them.

First of all mice are unclean to God (so they should be to you, too).

These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse.... Leviticus 11:29

It's true, of course, that many animals are unclean to God. But God is especially disgusted by mice. Here's what he said about them in Isaiah.

For, behold, the LORD will come with fire, and with his chariots like a whirlwind, to render his anger with fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire. For by fire and by his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD. Isaiah 66:15-17

So mice and pigs are just about the most disgusting things God can think of. And he's got quite an imagination.

You remember the story about the five golden hemorrhoids, don't you? Well the same story includes five golden mice. No kidding.

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.
...
And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.
...
And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD ... And the golden mice.... 1 Samuel 6:4-18

God told the Philistines to make golden images of his least favorite things: hemorrhoids and mice. You see it was kind of a divine joke. It was really funny to God. (Laugh or he'll give you a disease that will make your bowels fall out.)

Clearly then, God hates mice just as much as Allah, Muhammad, and the Sheikh do.

So you Bible believers should stop laughing at the Muslims and proudly join the Fatwah against Mickey. (Or God may have to give you hemorrhoids in your secret parts.)

16 September 2008

The only book Mariah Carey has ever read . . .

... is the Bible.

And here is one of her favorite verses. (From the song "I wish you well")

Judgments are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools. Proverbs 19:29

Has she come out for McCain and Palin yet?
(Maybe she'd let them use "I'll be lovin' U long time" as their theme song.)

12 September 2008

Victoria Jackson: Vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin or God will force you to eat your children

The (batshit crazy) celebrities are starting to line up for John McCain, now that Sarah Palin has joined the ticket. Here, for example, is what Victoria Jackson (former SNL cast member) says on her home page:
Thank you God above for giving us George W. Bush, and for giving us John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Why am I voting for the fantastic McCain/Palin ticket? Simply because my "world view" is based on the belief that The Bible is the inerrant, holy, Word of God....

You see, Obama just isn't Christian enough for Victoria Jackson. Here's her advice for him:
Obama, call me. I'll explain Christianity to you.

Maybe you'll get saved and start loving unborn babies.

Maybe, but probably not, since he looks a lot like the Anti-Christ.
I don't want a political label, but Obama bears traits that resemble the anti- Christ...
But the part I like best is when she explains Leviticus to us.
I was reading the other day in Leviticus 26:3-13, and Leviticus 26:14-25 and on, where God was warning the Israelites to obey him. In Lev. 26:14-16 it even says, "...if you despise my statutes...I will even appoint terror over you." I couldn't help but see a parallel to our country which was founded on the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.
See what Obama could learn by calling Ms. Jackson? Terrorists are just God's way of punishing us for not loving him enough. It's all spelled out in Leviticus 26.
But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:14-16

Listen up, America! If you don't elect John McCain and Sarah Palin, God will "appoint terror" over you and feed your children to the terrorists. (And if wasn't for George Bush keeping your sorry ass safe the last 7 years, your eyes would be rotting in their sockets and some Muslim would be chewing on your kid right now.)

But that's not the worst of it. As Victoria notes on her homepage, God's plans in Leviticus 26 go on and on and on. Elect McCain and Palin or:

  1. Ye shall be slain before your enemies. Leviticus 26:17

  2. They that hate you shall reign over you. 26:17

  3. I will punish you seven times more for your sins. 26:18

  4. I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins. 26:21

  5. I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. 26:22

  6. Then ... I... will punish you yet seven times for your sins. (That makes 24 or so, I've lost count. Ask Victoria.) 26:24

  7. And I will bring a sword upon you. 26:25

  8. I will send the pestilence among you. 26:25

  9. Ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. 26:25

  10. And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied. (I'm not sure what this means. But it sounds serious.) 26:26

  11. I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. (That makes 35, I think.) 26:26

  12. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. 26:27

So for the sake of your children, elect John McCain and Sarah Palin. Otherwise God will force you to eat them (your chldren, that is, not John and Sarah).

10 September 2008

I guess I'm famous now

Yup, Yup. (And I'm also totally ready to be president.)

To be honest, I'd never heard of Nontheist Nexus before -- before they asked me for an interview, anyway.

Last year it was Playboy, now this. Just like Sarah Palin, I'm definitely going up in the world.

09 September 2008

Unfortunately, Barack, they are that stupid

Most of them, anyway -- and that's all it takes to win an election.

How stupid are Americans, you ask? Well, more than half believe in the literal truth of a book they've never read -- the Bible. It's their favorite book.

I think Sarah Palin will clinch the election for McCain. She's good looking and she believes stupid things. What more could a stupid person ask for?

07 September 2008

Sarah Palin: A modern day Esther gone wild

Soon after becoming the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin asked her former pastor (Paul Riley of the Wasilla Assembly of God) to suggest a woman from the Bible that she should emulate. Pastor Riley suggested Esther, and the governor took his advice and hasn't looked back since.

Of course there aren't many good examples for women in the Bible. Women are seldom mentioned, and when they are they are seldom named, and when they're named they seldom do anything except have men come in unto them, after which they get pregnant and deliver baby boys, unless God has closed up their wombs for one reason or another.

But the good pastor chose Esther and it's spooky how much Palin resembles her.

(OK, the hair is a little different and Esther didn't wear glasses, but otherwise it's a match.)

And the similarity goes way beyond looks. Here's the story of the biblical Esther.

King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11

Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19

Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4

When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17

Now I ask you, what does that story remind you of? Of course! The Republican National Convention in St. Paul.

John McCain was king and Sarah Palin was Esther. But who was Vashti, the real heroine of the story?

Rudy Giuliani, perhaps?

Nah, Rudy would have gladly danced naked if John McCain had just asked. (He was certainly willing to lie for him.)

For a more serious and thorough analysis of the Palin/Esther connection, see here.