I know, I've been spending way too much time with Doug Wilson. People are beginning to talk. But I can't help it. He's such a fun guy to hang out with.
Doug's latest post explains why masturbation is so dreadfully wrong. It has to do with Jesus and the church.
It goes like this.
Jesus never married, not when he was alive anyway. But later on, after he was dead, he married the church. And he and the church have been doing what comes naturally to normal heterosexual couples ever since.
Now if a man (Who gives a shit about women?) has sex with himself, well, that's like Jesus having sex, not with the church, but with himself. Which is really kind of creepy. And after Jesus has Unitarian sex with himself, he has to cut off his hand or pluck out his eye, or maybe even stone himself to death. (And he's already dead.) You wouldn't want to see that happen, now would you?
So remember, every time you masturbate, Jesus does too -- and then he stones himself to death after cutting off his hand and plucking out an eye. Think about that while you're masturbating to Christine O'Donnell!
Here's Doug's quote. It sounds so much better the way he says it.
And all men, single or married, should recognize that solitary sex is not the normative biblical pattern. Recalling that the love between a man and woman is a picture of Christ and the church, we should note that, quite apart from the moral and self-discipline issues involved, masturbation is lousy theology.
Randomdude123, whose comment I mistakenly deleted (I've asked him to repost), has brought up an important point. Jesus is the husband and the church is his bride. So when a male member of the church masturbates, Jesus is like Christine O'Donnell saying, "Why am I here?" Jesus wants to have sex with you, but you're busy having UU sex with yourself.
But that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? If Jesus has sex with a male church member, then we'd have to kill him according to Leviticus 20:13. So by masturbating you are saving Jesus. Or something like that.
If you want to know for sure, go ask Doug.