04 January 2011

What does God look like (according to the Bible)?

I've already told you what Jesus looks like. Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth. He's hard to miss.

And here's what he'll look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world, which I guess is scheduled for May 21, 2011.

Oh yeah, there's one more thing we know about Jesus: he's got a tattoo on either his thigh or scrotum. We'll have to wait until May 21st to find out which it is.

But what about Jesus' dad? You know, God the Father. Has anyone ever seen him?

Well, it depends on whom you ask. Here are some verses from the Bible that claim that no one has seen God and that God can't be seen.

There shall no man see me, and live. Exodus 33:20
No man hath seen God at any time. John 1:18
Not that any man hath seen the Father. John 6:46:
Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. 1 Timothy 1:17
Whom no man hath seen nor can see. 1 Timothy 6:16
No man hath seen God at any time. 1 John 4:12

And yet there are quite a few reported sightings of God in the Bible.

Moses was one of the first to see God. But he only got a glimpse of his "back parts."

The LORD said unto Moses ... I will make all my goodness pass before thee ... Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live ... Thou shalt stand upon a rock: And ... while my glory passeth by ... I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts. Exodus 33:17-23

Amos saw the Full Monty, though, with God standing on a wall holding a plumb line in his hand.

The LORD stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand. Amos 7:7
And then a little later he saw him again standing on the altar.
I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said.... Amos 9:1

Ezekiel got a good look at God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and it looked to him like they were on fire. (Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire!)

And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward. Ezekiel 8:2

From Habakkuk, we know that God has horns coming out of his hand, with disease in front of him and burning coals at his feet. (Feet, like thighs in the Bible are often euphemisms for genitals. So maybe Ezekiel was right about God's burning loins!)

God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet. Habakkuk 3:3-5

And finally, Zechariah and Revelation tell us about God's eyes. He has seven of them, to go along with his seven spirits and seven horns on his head. (The seven-eyed, seven-horned dead lamb in Revelation is probably Jesus, though. It's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. As Jesus said, "He that has seen me, has seen the father.")

Those seven; they are the eyes of the LORD, which run to and fro through the whole earth. Zechariah 4:10
And I beheld ... a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth. Revelation 5:6

To sum up then, here's what we know about God: He has seven eyes, coals at his feet, loins on fire, and horns coming out of his hand. (Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He's also a redhead.)

You'll know him when you see him.

17 comments:

Robert said...

Dear Steve,
Sometimes I think you are not taking the knowledge that you have acquired seriously.

Steve Wells said...

You're right, Robert. I don't take silly stuff seriously. (But at least I take it. Believers just ignore it completely and pretend it's not there.)

Johany said...

Loved this post! This was too funny! Would love to see more posts like this!!! :)

Fernando said...

LOLLLLLLLLLL that's the funniest post ever !
I am laughing without control from the picture of the "LORD" hahahahahahahahahahha

polardan said...

Michelangelo's God giving life to Adam in the Sistine Chapel was probably based on the verse that says something about us being created in his image. That would contradict the animal images that the other authors conjured up.

Elmo Kajaky said...

Hilarious! More people need to know this stuff.

Tony said...

I had the same thought as Polardan. Is this included as a contradiction in the SAB?

Raptorjesus said...

Pagans belived in a "Horned God" of nature, sounds to me like christainity is a rip off of Pagan religions. Heres a good site for more info at
http://articles.exchristian.net/2003/04/is-christianity-based-on-pagan-roots.php

Now does this sound familiar?

Horus:
Horus and the Father are one
Horus is the Father seen in the Son
Horus, light of the world, represented by the symbolical eye, the sign of salvation.
Horus was the way, the truth, the life by name and in person
Horus baptized with water by Anup (Jesus baptized with water by John)
Horus the Good Shepherd
Horus as the Lamb (Jesus as the Lamb)
Horus as the Lion (Jesus as the Lion)
Horus identified with the Tat Cross (Jesus with the cross)
The trinity of Atum the Father, Horus the Son, Ra the Holy Spirit
Horus the avenger (Jesus who brings the sword)
Horus the afflicted one
Horus as life eternal
Twelve followers of Hours as Har-Khutti (Jesus' 12 disciples)

Mithras:

According to the Book of Origins, the Canon of the Mithrasic faith, "the universe was created through Mithras, and Mithras was born into the world to save humanity from the attacks of the evil one, Ahriman, who was opposed to human beings. Mithras released the goodness Ahriman had stolen from humanity, and then died to the world, going to the underworld to destroy the servants of Ahriman and bind Ahriman there forever. Then He returned to the earth to teach humanity His commandments and begin Mysteries and Rites which would help humans remember His acts on our behalf. Because of His actions, we can choose good without the overwhelming power of evil, even though evil's influence can still seem powerful because our minds believe it is. Because of His teachings, we know that the purpose of our lives is to serve others in the name of Mithras."

He was:
* allegedly born on December 25th
* was born of the Sun God and a virgin mother
* created all life by slaying a bull, whose blood gave life to all useful things, hence the song, "Thou hast redeemed us by shedding the eternal blood." from an Avestan Hymn to Mithras
* considered the saviour of humankind, and stories abound of His healing the sick, raising the dead, and performing miracles (making the blind see and the lame walk)
* protector of human souls, a mediator between "heaven" and "earth" and was even associated with a "holy trinity"
* keeper of the covenant with mankind
* put to death on a cross and buried in a cave (some legends have Him held up in a cave to be reborn once a year)
* took part in a last supper with his 12 disciples (often associated with the 12 signs of the zodiac)
* ascended to the heavens to watch over His "flock" from above.
* was known as "The Way," "The Truth," "The Light," "The Life," "The Word," "The Son of God," and "The Good Shepherd"
* often pictured carrying a lamb on his shoulders
Mithraists believe:
* On judgement day, the faithful dead would be resurrected and light would triumph over darkness. They took part in ritual purification or baptism, held Sundays sacred, drank wine and ate bread as a symbol of the body and blood and even took part in ritualistic purging (purification rites such as flagellation).
* there is a "celestial heaven" and hell

Same old story different charactors!

This is probaly why the bible clashes with its self so much, because its a bunch of different belifes melled together, over a long period of time.

trj said...

Don't forget Jacob. He wrestled with God and saw him face to face (Gen. 32).

Steve Wells said...

Yeah, you're right, trj. Jacob wrestled with God, so he should know what he looks like.

But I did refer to that in at the end of the post with the God is a redhead link.

Kat Martin said...

I've been researching the possibility that the tireless editor Irenaeus may have hacked out not only Gnostic texts but also older passages relating to God's back parts. Indeed, I dream of the day when an Egyptian farmer may uncover a papyrus in which it is revealed that God has a great ass.

Xanthe said...

Those Lego characters made me laugh. I found your blog when I was looking up god's loins

Catherine said...

Clearly you do not have the Holy Spirit or you would know the truth. The Bible says there will be MANY false prophets. I lived over fourty years unhappy and miserable.. i had no faith.. no one came to me .. i did not believe.. it just happend for me. no human being told me what to do and one day i just knew cause i seeked him.. before i even read the Bible, i knew things.. then when i started reading it, it was amazing. I pray all of you will feel God's presence. I cant see how you dont in today's time. Jesus gave us MANY perdictions and they have come true and are still coming true. If you are an ex christian.. you should go back.. some where along the way someone tricked you to leave.. The devil is real and he wants all of you... Please think about it and dont let anyone change your minds..I pray you go back to Christ and stop listening to people like this.. only pray for them. How do you explain how Jesus could tell us what is to come.. read the Bible.. its happening right now.. pay attention and God bless you all.

Kat Martin said...

Catherine if you read the bible carefully you'll conclude that the devil is the only character with any moral fiber.

Cassie Sleppy said...

I pray for all of you..the day will come when you will bow down to GOD..and you will..and you will have to answer for yourself..You may think its funny now but it wont be so funny when your looking up at the Heavens while burning in the lake of fire wishing you would have Known God instead of making fun of his word..You in all your disbelief..How terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Latonyia Sealey said...

Some of you people just let the devil use you any way he pleases. How could you even get on her and make a mockery of God. One day when you stand before him (and i guarantee it's going to happen) and say "Depart from me, I know you not", will be be a sad day for you all. And you will be in your eternal home with is HELL. Along with Kat Martin since he thinks the devil is the only one here with and moral fiber! Really?

shareitwith.net said...

Dear Steve , You gave true imagination .. I liked your post ..