15 January 2012

Tebow 136: God's message from last night's game

In last week's overtime win against the Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards. And, of course, believers everywhere immediately knew that God was trying to tell us all something.

You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.

God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.

So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?

Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.

Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.

After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).

Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:

13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.

God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)

I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!

15 comments:

Erp said...

Matthew 13:6 13:6 And when the sun was up, they were scorched; and because they had no root, they withered away.

skanksta said...

He is soooo nauseating.

Stephen said...

And doesn't Leviticus have implications for football? For example:

5:2 Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty.

In case there's confusion about what is unclean, Levie says this:

11:7 And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.
11:8 Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

Even though footballs are made of cow leather, not actual pig carcase (http://ask.yahoo.com/20070417.html), you'd think Tebow would consider it his mission to get people to stop referring to the football as a "pigskin".

curious cuber said...

Well, at one point the broncos had 13 plays for negative yardage and the patriots had 6 touchdowns. If you jumble that up you get 316 also. Spooky!

Tom Sheepandgoats said...

entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods...

well, he has served the football god, though I guess not secretly. He doesn't do the bible god any favors, I don't think, to present that one as someone indifferent to injustice,mayhem, depravity & so forth, but who never misses a game, tweaking each team for winners and losers.

MARIOLANDblog said...

Maybe he meant Genesis 3:16 "Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

I think so, because another 3:16, 2 Timothy 3:16 "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness"

LG said...

Not only did he throw 316 yards, the TV ratings peaked at 31.6. (http://www.webcitation.org/64e9Qo3sk)

Coincidence? I think not.

Steve Wells said...

You're right, LG. God fiddled with the game to make Tebow's stats match his favorite Bible verse.

Is there anything too stupid for believers to believe?

Steve Wells said...

Good point, MARIOLANDblog!

Why do believers automatically assume God is referring to John 3:16?

Why not Genesis 3:16, as you suggest? Or Leviticus 3:16, which says "All the fat is the Lord's"? Lord knows he likes his fat, and he's just not getting enough anymore.

Or maybe it was Isaiah 3:16 that God had in mind when rigging the game. "The LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet." God can't stand to see haughty women, with their necks all stretched out and little tinkling thingies on their feet. It just creeps him out.

Or it could be Numbers 3:16, which shows who really counts in God's eyes: males over one month old. He doesn't give a damn about females of any age, males less one month old, and all fetuses, male or female.

Or maybe it was Job 3:16 or Lamentations 3:16. Or maybe God, like most of his followers, only knows one verse: John 3:16 .

Ian said...

Tebow completed 9 of his 26 passing attempts in that game, and I found Surah 9:26 in the Quran:

Then Allah sent His peace of reassurance down upon His messenger and upon the believers, and sent down hosts ye could not see, and punished those who disbelieved. Such is the reward of disbelievers.

Obviously, Tebow was telling me to become a Muslim with his performance in the loss to the Patriots.

Cujo600 said...

The reason one would assume the 316 refers to John 3:16 is something neither the author nor any of his publications have: common sense.

Whether this was a triple coincidence by God (316 yards, 31.6 average, 31.6 tv ratings) or not, who knows, but you certainly haven't proven anything by implying it's ridiculous to think so, dear friend

Cujo600 said...

To Ian: Tebow never had Quran references on him, sorry to disappoint you. Nice try though!

Anders said...

There idea of dividing the text into chapters and verses is very modern, it wasn't in the original scrolls, but I guess god keeps up with the times

But if everything is 31.6, why make it 3.16? Is there a divine ordinance that ye shalt divide all that is football by 10, that ye might know the truth? Why not Proverbs 31.6:
Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.

In other words, god is telling the losing team's fans to go out and get hammered

JustJoeP said...

I look forward to Tebow performing as mercurially as another erratic quarterback before him, Rex Grossman. Both could exhibit excellent technique when luck (or Gawd) was smiling upon them, but in the long run, it didn't really matter. On average, they are mediocre talents. Look at how awesomely Grossman did this year, for example. At least Rex didn't have the stupid sense to credit gawd for his wins and losses.

Armchair Preacher said...

Could've meant Genesis 3:16.

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

God curses womankind with the labor of childbirth and eternal subjugation by men. A real crowdpleaser for the guys.