Dwindling In Unbelief

Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom

2012-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

You probably think that being a Muslim involves praying five times a day, eating halal food, fasting during Ramadan, and traveling to Mecca once in your lifetime. And, for many Muslims, it does. But there's a heck of lot more to it than that.

Take going to the bathroom, for instance.

Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice:

When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6

Which tells us that that kind of thing is important to Allah. He cares about your bathroom routine.

And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say:

Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)

So let's take a look at some of the things that Muhammad taught about excrement.

Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."
When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)
Enter the bathroom with your left foot.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)
Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)
Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)
Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)

A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)

One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)
Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)
When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)
Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)
'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)

A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)
Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)
Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)

“Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)
When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)

[T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)
Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)
Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)

The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo’(?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)
Wash and wipe an odd number of times.
Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)

[T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)
Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)
Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)
For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.
Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)
Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)
Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."
Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)

He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)
Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.
The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)
Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.
When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)
Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.
After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)
First wash the front of the penis and then the back.
First wash the front then the back. (1)
In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.
Without necessity do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)
When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.
After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)
Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)
One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)

[A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)
Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)

No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)
When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)
Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)
Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.
[T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)
When you're all done, leave with your right foot. (1)
When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot.
After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.
Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)

When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)
If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.
We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)

So you see what I mean. If you follow all those rules every time you go to the bathroom, you won't have much time for anything else.

1 Sunnah of Going to the Bathroom (Toilet)

2 Muslim Bathroom Etiquette

3 Istinjaa - Bathroom Etiquette

Tebow 136: God's message from last night's game

2012-01-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

In last week's overtime win against the Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards. And, of course, believers everywhere immediately knew that God was trying to tell us all something.

You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.

God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.

So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?

Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.

Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.

After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).

Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:

13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.

God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)

I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!

Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness

2012-01-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

Obey Hendricks has a great article at HuffingtonPost entitled, "Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness." Here are some excerpts.

...there is something about Mitt Romney's religion that I find deeply troubling, particularly in light of the possibility that he could become the next president of this nation. What concerns me is this: the Book of Mormon, the book that Mitt Romney and all Mormons embrace as divinely revealed scripture ... declares that black people are cursed. That's right. Cursed. And not only accursed, but lazy and aesthetically ugly to boot.
...the Book of Morman says it explicitly and in numerous passages: black people are cursed by God and our dark skin is the evidence of our accursedness. Here are a few examples:
And the Lord had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them (2 Nephi 5:21).
And I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark and loathsome and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations (1 Nephi 12:23).
O my brethren, I fear that unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours, when ye shall be brought with them before the throne of God. (Jacob 3:8).
And the skins of the Lamanites were dark, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which was a curse upon them because of their transgression and their rebellion against their brethren, who consisted of Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph, and Sam, who were just and holy men (Alma 3: 6).
...at no time has Mitt Romney ever publicly indicated that he seriously questioned the divine inspiration of the Book of Mormon's teachings about race, much less that he has repudiated them. It is true that in a 2008 Meet the Press interview with the late Tim Russert, Romney did vigorously assert his belief in equal rights for all Americans in every facet of life. As part of that narrative, he cited his parents' "tireless" advocacy for blacks' civil rights, including the dramatic exit of his father, Michigan Governor George Romney, from the 1964 Republican convention as a protest against nominee Barry Goldwater's racial politics. He also shared that he wept when he learned of Spencer Kimball's aforementioned revelation. Yet from Romney's remarks it is not clear whether he wept for joy because Mormonism was eschewing its segregationist policies or if he wept from relief that the announcement promised to quiet the public outrage that those policies were causing. And significantly, while he recited his parents' efforts to confront racial injustice, Mitt Romney pointed to no such activities of his own.
...Mitt Romney himself owes it to America to address the issue. Why? Because Romney was tutored into adulthood by a holy book that declares that all Americans like me are cursed by God. And he is not only a believer; he has served as a leader in his faith.
....when Tim Russert invited Romney to repudiate his Church's racist legacy on Meet the Press, Romney refused.
That is why, Mr. Romney, as an American citizen whose president you seek to become, I must insist that you honestly and forthrightly attest to me and all Americans of goodwill that you actually can be my president, too, fully and completely. You can accomplish this by publicly disavowing the portions of your holy book that so sorely denigrate the humanity of me, my loved ones and all people of black African descent.
It is incumbent that you do this, candidate Romney, for the sake of all Americans.

No one should vote for Mitt Romney unless he does exactly that.

194 ways to get yourself saved

2011-12-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

17 December 2011 update: Found a new way to get saved from the Book of Tobit. (May only work for Catholics.)

Also, teavee has found a few others that I've added to the list.

Fundamentalist, born-again Christians love to say that there's only one way to get saved. But if you believe the Bible, there's a lot more than that. Here are the ways that I've found so far. Let me know if I've missed any and I'll add them to the list.

Say the right things.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37
Do the right things. (Be a do-gooder.)
And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29

I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10

For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10
Believe the right things.
A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28

Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1

A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16

For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8
Do and believe the right things.
Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17
Work your way to heaven.
For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12

For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27

And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13

Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15

The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17

What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14, 17, 20, 24, 26

I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23

Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work. -- Revelation 22:12
Burn your work.
If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire. -- 1 Corinthians 3:15
Work it out with fear and trembling.
Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. -- Philippians 2:12
Be hungry now and never get full.
Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. ... Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. -- Luke 6:21, 24
Hunger and thirst after righteousness.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. -- Matthew 5:6
Do what is lawful and right.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
Do nothing. Die in Adam; come alive in Christ.
For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. -- 1 Corinthians 15:22
Obey the law of the wise.
The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 13:14
Do God's will
He that doeth the will of God abideth for ever. -- 1 John 2:17
Do the will of Jesus' father.
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 7:21
Be a doer of the law.
Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13
Call on the name of the Lord.
Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13
Call upon God.
As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. -- Psalm 55:16
Trust in the Lord.
The LORD shall ... save them, because they trust in him. -- Psalm 37:40
Seek the Lord and don't forsake him.
The LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. -- 1 Chronicles 28:9
Get to know God.
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction. -- 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9
Wait for him.
Wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee. -- Proverbs 20:22

Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us. -- Isaiah 25:9
Wait and come for 1335 days.
Blessed is he that waiteth, and cometh to the thousand three hundred and five and thirty days. -- Daniel 12:12
Just look at him.
Look unto me, and be ye saved. -- Isaiah 45:22
Get lost.
The Son of man is come to save that which was lost. -- Matthew 18:11, Luke 19:10
Get scourged.
Whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. -- Hebrews 12:6
Get tortured.
"Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." -- Hebrews 11:35
Get lucky.
I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ... Therefore hath he mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth. ... Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction: -- Romans 9:15-22
Hope.
For we are saved by hope. -- Romans 8:24
Repent.
Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. -- Luke 13:3, 5
Overcome.
He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God. -- Revelation 2:7

He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death. -- Revelation 2:11

He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels. -- Revelation 3:5

Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God ... and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem ... and I will write upon him my new name. -- Revelation 3:12
Don't be so darned wicked.
When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27
Don't offend the little ones.
But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. -- Matthew 18:6, Mark 9:14, Luke 17:2
Don't be filthy or naughty; receive the engrafted word.
Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. -- James 1:21
Walk upright.
Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved. -- Proverbs 28:18
Endure temptation.
Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life. -- James 1:12
Don't lust.
Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. -- James 1:15
Bridle your tongue.
If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. -- James 1:26
Believe in Jesus.
Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16

I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. -- John 11:25-26
Believe on Jesus.
He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36

Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47

Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31
See Jesus and believe on him.
Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40
Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.
If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9
Confess Jesus before men.
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 10:32

Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God. -- Luke 12:8
Obey Jesus.
And [Jesus] being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him. -- Hebrews 5:9
Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.
He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24
Hear and do the sayings of Jesus.
Whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock. -- Matthew 7:24
Keep Jesus' saying.
If a man keep my saying, he shall never see death. -- John 8:51
Drink Jesus' water.
Whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. -- John 4:14
Get saved by the grace of Jesus.
Through the grace of the LORD Jesus Christ we shall be saved. Acts 15:11
Be dead with Jesus.
It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11
Be born again.
Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3
Be born of water and the spirit.
Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5
Be spiritually minded.
To be spiritually minded is life. -- Romans 8:6
Believe Paul's gospel.
Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:1-2
Listen to Peter's words. (They will save you and your whole familiy!)
Peter ... shall tell thee words, whereby thou and all thy house shall be saved. Acts 11:13-14
Believe and be baptized.
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16
Just get baptized (you can keep the filth of the flesh).
Baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh). -- 1 Peter 3:21
Have a contrite spirit.
The LORD ... saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. -- Psalm 34:18
Have the Son of God.
God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. -- 1 John 5:11-12
Don't be deluded by God.
God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12
Don't be blinded by God.
Israel hath not obtained that which he seeketh for; but the election hath obtained it, and the rest were blinded. ... God hath given them the spirit of slumber, eyes that they should not see, and ears that they should not hear;) unto this day. ... Let their eyes be darkened, that they may not see. -- Romans 11:7-10
Bear good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. -- Matthew 7:19, Luke 3:9, 13:9
Be grafted in.
And they also, if they abide not still in unbelief, shall be graffed in: for God is able to graff them in again. -- Romans 11:23
Be chosen, not just called.
For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14, 20:16

God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13
Be perfect.
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. -- Matthew 5:48
Be meek.
When God arose to judgment, to save all the meek of the earth. -- Psalm 76:9

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. -- Matthew 5:5
Be washed by the Holy Ghost.
Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5
Get your sins remitted by someone who has received the Holy Ghost. (Or who has been breathed on by Jesus)
And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost: Whosesoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained. -- John 20:22-23
Be pure in heart.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. -- Matthew 5:8
Be upright in heart.
My defence is of God, which saveth the upright in heart. -- Psalm 7:10
Be converted and become like a little child.
Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3, Mark 10:15
Be a saint.
The LORD ... forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever.. -- Psalm 37:28
Be a child of the needy.
He shall save the children of the needy. -- Psalm 72:4
Be persecuted for righteousness sake.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:10
Be righteous.
Righteousness delivereth from death. -- Proverbs 10:2, 11:4

And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. -- Matthew 25:46
Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.
Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20
Forsake all that you have.
Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:33
Hate your own life.
The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25
Lose your life.
Whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it. -- Luke 17:33
Lose your life for Christ's sake.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- Matthew 10:39, 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, 17:33
Belong to a household that has at least one believer.
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14
Get saved by your spouse.
For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16
Follow the commandments (at least some of them).
If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19

And when he was gone forth into the way, there came one running, and kneeled to him, and asked him, Good Master, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour thy father and mother. -- Mark 10:17-19

Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14
Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.
And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up. ...thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22
Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.
Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12
Do the commandments and teach others to do them.
Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:19
Sow to the Spirit.
He that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. -- Galatians 6:8
Endure to the end.
He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13
Give diligence.
Give diligence to make your calling and election sure. -- 2 Peter 1:10
Wait until you die and then have the Mormons baptize you (after you're dead).
Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29
Wait until you die and then hear the voice of the Son of God.
The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. -- John 5:25
Be faithful unto death.
Be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life. -- Revelation 2:10
Get buried with Jesus by being baptized into death.
We are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection. -- Romans 6:4-5
Always wear a wedding garment.
And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness, there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 22:11-13
Don't get married. (Married people don't go to heaven.)
They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. -- Luke 20:35
Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).
And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15
Become a eunuch for the kingdom of heaven's sake.
There be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. -- Matthew 19:12
Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)
...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4
Don't love your family more than Jesus.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. -- Matthew 10:37
Abandon your home and family for Jesus' name's sake.
And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30
Hate your father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, and your own life.
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. -- Luke 14:26
Don't hate your brother.
Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. -- 1 John 3:15
Ask your parents to beat you with a rod.
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. -- Proverbs 23:13-14
Receive a child in the name of Jesus.
Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me. -- Luke 9:48a, Matthew 18:5
Receive a Christian.
He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. -- Matthew 10:40
Receive a prophet in the name of a prophet.
He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
Receive a righteous man in the name of a righteous man.
He that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward. -- Matthew 10:41
Receive the gift of eternal life from God through Jesus.
The gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -- Romans 6:23
Don't despise government or walk after flesh.
The Lord knoweth how ... to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. -- 2 Peter 2:9-10
Don't resist the powers that be.
Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. -- Romans 13:2
Mortify the deeds of your body.
If ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live. -- Romans 8:13
Wash your wicked heart.
Wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved. -- Jeremiah 4:14
Wash your face and anoint your head when you fast.
When thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; hat thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:17-18
Heed yourself and the doctrine.
Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee. -- 1 Timothy 4:16
Get saved by Jesus' name.
Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name [beside's Jesus'] under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved. -- Acts 4:12
Get saved by God's name.
Save me, O God, by thy name. -- Psalm 54:1
Get saved by God's shining face.
Turn us again, O God, and cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved. -- Psalm 80:3, 7, 19
Get saved by the angel of his presence.
The angel of his presence saved them. -- Isaiah 63:9
Don't doubt.
He that doubteth is damned. -- Romans 14:23
Don't fall away after you're saved.
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. -- Hebrews 6:4-6
Don't eat your own vomit.
For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire. -- 2 Peter 2:21-22
Don't blaspheme the Holy Ghost
He that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. -- Mark 3:29, Matthew 12:31-32, Luke 12:10
Don't let God make you wicked.
The LORD hath made all things for himself: yea, even the wicked for the day of evil. -- Proverbs 16:4
Be converted from the error of your ways.
Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death. -- James 5:20
Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)
It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5
Make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness.
Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. Luke 16:9
Make a feast for the poor, maimed, lame, and blind.
But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just. Luke 14:13-14:
Enter at the strait gate.
Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24
Enter through the Jesus door.
I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved. -- John 10:9
Return and Rest.
In returning and rest shall ye be saved. -- Isaiah 30:15
Don't look back.
Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. -- Luke 9:62
Become a truth-telling child of God.
Surely they are my people, children that will not lie: so he was their Saviour. -- Isaiah 63:8
Become an Israeli citizen.
Israel shall be saved in the LORD with an everlasting salvation. -- Isaiah 45:17

And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26
Obtain mercy through Jewish unbelief.
For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their [Jewish] unbelief. -- Romans 11:30

God hath concluded them [the Jews] all in unbelief, that he might have mercy upon all. -- Romans 11:32
Be an unbelieving Jew.
Even so have these [Jews] also now not believed, that through your mercy they also may obtain mercy. -- Romans 11:31
Don't be a Jew.
But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. -- Matthew 8:12
Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.
Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33
Don't be an unrighteous fornicator, idolater, adulterer, effeminate, thief, covetous, drunkard, reviler, extortioner, or an abuser of yourself with mankind.
The unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. -- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Don't be fearful, unbelieving, abominable, murdering, whore mongering, a sorcerer, an idolater, or a liar.
The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. -- Revelation 21:8
Fear God.
The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death. -- Proverbs 14:27
Fear God and cry a lot while praying.
[Jesus] who in the days of his flesh, when he had offered up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears unto him that was able to save him from death, and was heard in that he feared. -- Hebrews 5:7
Don't let your eye become evil.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! -- Matthew 6:23
Pluck out your eye if it offends you.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
Cut off your right hand if it offends you.
If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. -- Matthew 5:29-30, 18:8-9, Mark 9:43-49
Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.
Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. -- Matthew 6:4-5
Be ordained to eternal life.
As many as were ordained to eternal life believed. -- Acts 13:48
Be drawn by by the Father.
No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44
Be elected by God before you're born.
For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11

Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God. -- 1 Thessalonians 1:4
Don't be ashamed of Jesus.
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38, Luke 9:26
Don't let anyone see you do anything good.
Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1
Don't let anyone say anything nice about you.
Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! -- Luke 6:26
Don't love the world or the things in it.
Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. -- 1 John 2:15
Don't be a friend to the world.
Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. -- James 4:4
Be given by the Father and come to the Son.
All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37
Come to the Father by Jesus.
Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. -- John 14:6
Be given by God to Jesus (or whatever).
These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son, that thy Son also may glorify thee: As thou hast given him power over all flesh, that he should give eternal life to as many as thou hast given him. -- John 17:1-2
Be saved by Jesus' life (if you're a friend) or by his death (if your an enemy).
For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. -- Romans 5:10
Don't get circumcised.
Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing ... ye are fallen from grace. -- Galatians 5:2-4
Be dead in your sins and uncircumcised flesh, and then let God quicken you with Christ.
But God ... when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ. -- Ephesians 2:4-5
Be chosen from the beginning.
But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:13

And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses. -- Colossians 2:13
Be predestinated by God.
For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30

He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5
Give your excess food and clothes to the poor.
The people asked him [John the Baptist], saying, What shall we do then? He answereth ... He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. Luke 3:10-11
Be poor, not rich.
He shall ... save the souls of the needy. -- Psalm 72:13

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. --Matthew 5:3

Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the kingdom of God. ... But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:20, 24

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24

Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1
Be poor in this world, be rich in faith, and love God.
Hath not God chosen the poor of this world rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom which he hath promised to them that love him? -- James 2:5
Be sad.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. -- Matthew 5:4
Cry a lot.
Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them. -- Psalm 107:13, 19

Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh. -- Luke 6:21
Don't laugh.
Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep. -- Luke 6:25
Be last.
But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, 20:16; Mark 10:31; Luke 13:30
Be least.
He that is least among you all, the same shall be great. -- Luke 9:48b
Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.
This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50
Eat Jesus' body and drink his blood.
Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54
Have faith in Jesus' blood.
God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood. -- Romans 3:25
Be saved and justified by Jesus' blood.
Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. -- Romans 5:9
Make people revile you, persecute you, hate you, avoid you, say bad things about you, and call you names for Jesus' sake.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. -- Matthew 5:11

Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake. Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven. -- Luke 6:22-23
Follow peace and holiness with all men.
Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. -- Hebrews 12:14
Take heaven by force.
From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. Matthew 11:12
Believe in the foolishness of preaching.
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 Corinthians 1:21
Be innocent.
He [God] shall deliver the island of the innocent. -- Job 22:30
Give alms to the poor. (May only work for Catholics.)
Alms deliver from all sin, and from death, and will not suffer the soul to go into darkness. -- Tobit 4:11
Give a cup of water to a Christian.
For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41
Love Christians.
We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. -- 1 John 3:14
Love your enemies, do good to them, and give them lots of money.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. -- Luke 6:35, Matthew 5:44-45
Love God and your neighbor.
He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26-28
Be a peacemaker.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. -- Matthew 5:9
Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36
Be merciful.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. -- Matthew 5:7

For he shall have judgment without mercy, that hath shewed no mercy; and mercy rejoiceth against judgment. -- James 2:13
Forgive people.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14
Don't judge.
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37
Be humble.
He [God] shall save the humble person. -- Job 22:29

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 7:1

He that humbleth himself shall be exalted. -- Luke 14:11
Love the truth.
And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10
Do good. Avoid evil.
Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore. -- Psalm 37:27
Don't pray in public.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. -- Matthew 6:5
Be saved by other people's unbelief.
(You can have some of mine; I've got plenty.)
For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now obtained mercy through their unbelief. -- Romans 11:30
Just ask.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8
All you need is love.
Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7

Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much. -- L:uke 7:47

God hath done these things: The Apocrypha to the Rescue!

2011-12-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

I've struggled a bit lately with the Book of Esther.

It is filled with preemptive war and genocidal ethnic cleansing, that the author clearly supported and glorified. But since the book makes no mention of God, directly or indirectly, it's difficult to blame God for the killings -- or claim that he inspired them, or even approved of them, for that matter. (Except in the sense that since God inspired the author of the Book of Esther, he approved of whatever the author approved.)

Which is why the apocrypha comes in so handy.

Here are the first words of the additions to the Book of Esther, as taken from the Catholic Douay-Reims version.

Then Mardochai said: God hath done these things.

The folks at DRBO.org add this helpful note to Esther 10:4.

[4] Then Mardochai: Here St. Jerome advertiseth the reader, that what follows is not in the Hebrew, but is found in the septuagint Greek edition, which the seventy-two interpreters translated out of the Hebrew, or added by the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.

So we know that Esther 10:4 was added through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, and that therefore, God was responsible for the killings in the Book of Esther.
(See also 10:10, 12; 11:12; 13:8, 18, 14:1-2, 15:3, 5; 16:10-18, and 21)

Thank God for the Apocrypha!

For some time now, I have wanted to add the Apocrypha (or what Catholics call the Deutero-canonical books) to the SAB. I've finally started with the book of Esther.

As I go along, I'll add the apocryphal killings to the list of killings in the Catholic Bible. That way, I'll have two lists: one for the Protestants and one for the Catholics.

Happy Bo Day!

2011-12-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not posting lately, but I have a good excuse. I've spent the last couple weeks in Hawaii.

And here's what I have to show for it.

A Bo (or Bodhi) tree, the tree that the Buddha sat under when he achieved enlightenment.

Well, OK, it wasn't this tree that Buddha supposedly sat under on the eighth day of the 12th lunar month (December 8th this year, I guess) in 596 BCE while being tempted by Mara (the Buddhist version of Satan) and his daughters, before driving them all away with an earthquake. But it was a tree of this species: Ficus religiosa.
(The tree in my picture was taken at the Foster Botanical Garden in Honolulu.)

After getting enlightened, the Buddha stood in front of the sacred tree and stared, without blinking, for an entire week.

Me, I just took a picture.

Christ on a Dog's Ass

2011-11-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

Or it might be Muhammad (pb&jbuh). It's hard to tell those two apart.

Via Why Evolution is True

The Esther Killings: Do they belong on God's list?

2011-11-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Esther is one of the two books in the Bible in which God is not even mentioned (the other is the Song of Solomon).

Maybe that's why some Bible believers, such as Martin Luther, believed that it should be excluded from the Bible. In Luther's case, however, it probably had more to do with his extreme antisemitism. Because the point of the Book of Esther, if it has a point, is this: God loves Jews more than everyone else and anyone who has ever had a bad thought about them should be killed. (And Luther had lots of bad thoughts about Jews.)

There is a whole series of killings in Esther, mostly to avenge antisemitism. But since the Book of Esther does not mention God's name, it's difficult to blame him directly for these killings. Still, since Esther is included in the Bible, the God of the Bible must approve of the killings, insofar as a nonexistent being can approve of anything.

The Book of Esther also has an important message for women: your job in life is to look pretty and to please, honor, and obey men. If that means dancing naked in front of your husband's drunken guests, dance naked. Be an Esther, not a Vashti. (Which is, of course, bad advice. Vashti is the hero of the Book of Esther and she gets my vote for the best person in the Bible.)

So what about the Esther killings? Do they belong on God's list? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Here's the story.

After the Esther wins the dancing-naked-before-the-king contest, she goes on a killing spree.

She begins by telling the king to hang two men that her friend (Mordecai) said wanted to kill the king.

Two of the king's chamberlains ... sought to lay hands on the king Ahasuerus. And the thing was known to Mordecai, who told it unto Esther the queen; and Esther certified the king ... And when inquisition was made of the matter, it was found out; therefore they were both hanged on a tree. Esther 2:21-23

Then, for some strange reason, the king told everyone in the kingdom to bow and show reverence to a guy named Haman.

All the king's servants ... bowed, and reverenced Haman: for the king had so commanded. Esther 3:2a

But Esther's Jewish friend Mordecai refused.

But Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence. Esther 3:2b

So Haman, did what any proper Bible villain would do: he tried to kill every Jew in the kingdom.

When Haman saw that Mordecai bowed not, nor did him reverence, then was Haman full of wrath ... Wherefore Haman sought to destroy all the Jews that were throughout the whole kingdom. Esther 3:5-6

Haman offered to give the king 10,000 talents (~300,000 kg) of silver if he would kill all the Jews. And the king said, "OK, that sounds like a good idea. Let's kill all the Jews."

Haman said unto king Ahasuerus ... let it be written that they may be destroyed: and I will pay ten thousand talents of silver.
And the king took his ring from his hand, and gave it unto Haman ... the Jews' enemy.
And the king said unto Haman, The silver is given to thee, the people also, to do with them as it seemeth good to thee. Esther 3:8-10

The king sent out a decree to all the provinces declaring a kingdom-wide Kill-the-Jews day. It was to take place on the 13th day of the 12th month. "All Jews, both young and old, little children and women" were to be killed on that day.

Letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month. Esther 3:13

Haman, at his wife and friends' suggestion, decides to begin by building a 25 meter tall gallows to hang Mordecai on.

Then said Zeresh his wife and all his friends unto him, Let a gallows be made of fifty cubits high, and to morrow speak thou unto the king that Mordecai may be hanged thereon ... And the thing pleased Haman; and he caused the gallows to be made. Esther 5:14

Meanwhile, at one of the king's drunken parties, the king told Esther that he'd give her whatever she wanted, up to half the kingdom.

So the king and Haman came to banquet with Esther the queen. And the king said again unto Esther on the second day at the banquet of wine ... what is thy request? and it shall be performed, even to the half of the kingdom. Esther 7:1-3

Esther asks the king not to murder all the Jews. And the king says, "Huh? Who is trying to kill the Jews?" (The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3.)

The king ... said unto Esther ... Who is he, and where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so? And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Esther 7:5-6

So the king hangs Haman high.

So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified. Esther 7:10

After hanging Haman at Esther's request, the king gave Esther (and her buddy Mordecai) Haman's ring and house.

The king took off his ring, which he had taken from Haman, and gave it unto Mordecai. And Esther set Mordecai over the house of Haman.
I have given Esther the house of Haman, and him they have hanged upon the gallows, because he laid his hand upon the Jews. Esther 8:1-7

Then, at Esther's request, the king ordered a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews will be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day -- the day after the first decree ordered all the Jews to be killed. (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill everyone and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?)

"Mordecai commanded ... the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces ... to destroy, to slay and to cause to perish, all the power of the people and province that would assault them, both little ones and women.
Upon one day in all the provinces ... the Jews should be ready against that day to avenge themselves on their enemies. Esther 8:9-13

On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour ... a feast and a good day." (Esther 8:16-17a)

But many of the Jew-haters became Jews rather than be killed for wanting to kill Jews.

Many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them. Esther 8:17b

So the Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families.

The Jews had rule over them that hated them. The Jews gathered themselves together in their cities throughout all the provinces ... to lay hand on such as sought their hurt: and no man could withstand them; for the fear of them fell upon all people.
...
The Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them. Esther 9:1-5

They killed 500 men in Shushan.

In Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men. Esther 9:6

They killed the ten sons of Haman.

The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they. Esther 9:10

Esther asks the king to kill all those who planned to kill the Jews and hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees.

The king said unto Esther the queen, The Jews have slain and destroyed five hundred men in Shushan the palace, and the ten sons of Haman ... what is thy request further? ... Then said Esther ... let it be granted to the Jews which are in Shushan to do to morrow also according unto this day's decree, and let Haman's ten sons be hanged.
...
And they hanged Haman's ten sons. Esther 9:12-13

Then the Jews killed another 300 men at Shushan,

The Jews ... slew three hundred men at Shushan. Esther 9:15

And 75,000 other Jew-haters.

The other Jews ... slew of their foes seventy and five thousand. Esther 9:16

The day after killing all the Jew-haters and their families, the Jews took a day off to party. (This is the origin of the Jewish holiday of Purim.)

On the fourteenth day of the same rested they, and made it a day of feasting and gladness. Esther 9:17

And then, at Esther's request, the king hung Haman and his ten sons (again).

When Esther came before the king, he commanded ... that he [Haman] and his sons should be hanged on the gallows. Esther 9:25

After the killings, "Modecai the Jew was ... great among the Jews ... seeking the wealth of" the Jews. And so ends the Book of Esther.

Here is a list of the Esther killings:

People killed	Number	Esther verse
The two treasonous chamberlains	2	2:21-23
Haman	1	7:10
Men in Sushan	500	9:6
Haman's sons	10	9:12-13
More men in Sushan	300	9:15
People who planned to kill Jews on kill-the-Jews day	75,000	9:16
Total	75,813

December 14 note: See God hath done these things: The Apocrypha to the Rescue! for the happy resolution to this problem.

Eid al-Adha

2011-11-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today is Eid al-Adha. You know, the day where you're supposed to kill an animal for God in honor of Abraham's willingness to kill his son.

Hundreds of millions of animals throughout the world will have their throats slit today just to make Allah happy.

It is amazing how much evil can be caused by an imaginary God.

It's definitely Muhammad (peanut butter and jelly be upon him)Who else would hang out in a testicular tumor?

2011-11-03T11:52:00.000-07:00

Science & Religion: Are They Compatible?The Jerry Coyne / John Haught Debate

2011-11-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

You simply must watch this debate. No excuses.

Okay, Okay. I know it's kind of long, and you're a busy person. So go ahead and skip the first 28 and half minutes. You won't miss much.

2011 Bale Boone Symposium - Science & Religion: Are They Compatible? from UK Gaines Center on Vimeo.

For more on the debate controversy, see Jerry Coyne's blog.

The National Guard wants you (If you're a Protestant, Bible-believing Christian)

2011-11-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

Otherwise, not so much.

Mitt Romney: The luckiest motherfudger on earth

2011-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Saving the Seed of Cain from the Flood of Noah

2011-10-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

In my last post I described how Mormon Scripture explains the origin of black people. (They are the seed of Cain.)

Which is all very interesting. But if you are foolish enough to accept that racist explanation, you still have a problem. How did the seed of Cain survive Noah's flood?

Well, lucky for you, my racist friend, Mormon Scripture has the answer!

You've probably seen the pictures of Noah's family. They look a lot like this.

A nice, happy, white family. But if they were all white, where'd all the black people come from?

And that's where the Book of Abraham comes in.

Unless you're a Mormon, you've probably never heard of the Book of Abraham. It's not in that little blue book that the Mormon missionaries gave you (and that you've never looked at since). And Mormons don't like to talk about it much because it's horribly embarrassing to them. But it's in the Pearl of Great Price and is, therefore, a part of Mormon Scripture.

In it we learn that Pharaoh was descended from the testicles of Ham.

Pharaoh ... was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was ... of the blood of the Canaanites by birth ... thus the blood of the Canaanites was preserved in the land. Abraham 1:20-22

(Ham was the guy who saw his father, Noah, drunk and naked in Genesis 9:20-25. For this crime, God cursed the descendants of Canaan, Ham's son, with slavery.)

Abe also tells us that Egypt was discovered (while it was still under water from the flood) by one of Ham's daughters, Egyptus. (She was named after her mother, Ham's wife, who was also named Egyptus, and who was, apparently, a black woman.)

The land of Egypt being first discovered by a woman, who was the daughter of Ham, and the daughter of Egyptus which in the Chaldean signifies Egypt, which signifies that which is forbidden. When this woman discovered the land it was under water, who afterward settled her sons in it; and thus, from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land. Abraham 1:23-24

So Pharaoh was the son of Egyptus, who was the daughter of Ham and his wife Egyptyus, from "that race which preserved the curse in the land."

According to Mormon Scripture, then, black people are doubly cursed: they are the seed of Cain and the seed of Ham. Cursed by God for Cain's murder of Abel and cursed again because Ham saw his father (Noah) drunk and naked.

God darkened their skin and made them slaves, but that wasn't the worst of it. He also excluded them from the Mormon priesthood.

Pharaoh, the eldest son of Egyptus, the daughter of Ham ... Noah ... cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood ... Pharaoh being of that lineage by which he could not have the right of Priesthood. Abraham 1:26-27

Until he changed his mind in 1978.

The mark of (Herman) Cain: What Mitt Romney believes about black people

2011-10-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

It starts with the book of Genesis.

Remember the story about Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel? (Genesis 4:1-17)

Adam and Eve have sex, Eve gets pregnant, and Cain ("a man from the Lord") is born.

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. Genesis 4:1

In the next verse, another son (Abel) is born.

And she again bare his brother Abel. Genesis 4:2a

Cain becomes a farmer, Abel tends sheep, and each offers a sacrifice to God. Cain gave God the fruit of his crops; Abel killed some firstborn sheep and gave God all the fat. God liked the fat more than the fruit. (How could they tell? Did God eat the fat while they watched?)

Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD ... Abel ... the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. Genesis 4:2b-5a

That made Cain mad and sad. So he talked things over with his little brother, Abel.

Then he killed him.

And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
...
Cain talked with Abel his brother ... and slew him. Genesis 4:4b-8

God dropped by and asked Cain where his brother was. Cain said, "I don't know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? Genesis 4:9

God cursed Cain for killing Abel, making him a fugitive and vagabond.

Now art thou cursed ... a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. Genesis 4:11-12

Cain told God that he was worried about people killing him, so God put a mark on Cain warning people not to kill him or vengeance would be taken on them seven times. (What were God and Cain worried about? There were only two other people alive at the time -- Cain's parents.)

Cain said unto the LORD ... every one that findeth me shall slay me. And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. Genesis 4:13-15

Then Cain went off east of Eden in the land of Nod, got married, raised a family, built a city, and did all the things you'd expect a fugitive and vagabond to do on a planet with a total population of 3.

And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. Genesis 4:16-17

But what was the mark that God put on Cain? Was it a sign on his forehead saying, "I killed my brother, but don't kill me or God will kill you seven times"? The Bible doesn't say.

Lucky for us and Mitt Romney, Mormon Scripture does! (More or less, anyway.)

There are four books in Mormon Scripture: The Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. And one of the books in the Pearl of Great Price is the Book of Moses.

Here's what Moses had to say about the seed of Cain.

And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22

So Mormon scripture says that the seed of Cain are black and God put a mark on Cain. Someone should ask Mitt Romney if the two things are one and the same.

Maybe it should be (Herman) Cain.

2 Nephi 10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)

2011-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Jacob woke up the next day and started preaching again. He predicted that many Nephite children would "perish in the flesh because of unbelief." But not to worry, God will somehow restore the dead little unbelievers by forcing them to believe -- or something like that.

Many of our children shall perish in the flesh because of unbelief, nevertheless, God will be merciful unto many; and our children shall be restored, that they may come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer. 2 Nephi 10:2

And now, for the first time, God reveals the last name of the Redeemer -- Christ.

Christ -- for in the last night the angel spake unto me that this should be his name. 2 Nephi 10:3a

Which is really cool, isn't it? An angel revealed Jesus H. Christ's last name 2600 years before Jesus was born!

(In the 1830 version of the Book of Mormon, Jesus' name is revealed in a bit earlier. 1 Nephi 12:18 read, "...Jesus Christ, which is the Lamb of God, of whom the Holy Ghost beareth record..." The LDS church changed "Jesus Christ" to "Messiah" so the angel wouldn't have to reveal it twice.)

The angel also told Jacob about Jews. They are, he said, the most wicked people on earth. Only Jews would crucify God.

The Jews ... are the more wicked part of the world; and they shall crucify him ... there is none other nation on earth that would crucify their God. For should the mighty miracles be wrought among other nations they would repent, and know that he be their God. 2 Nephi 10:3b-4

And because Jews are so darned evil, God will send them destruction, famines, diseases, and bloodshed. Most will be killed and the rest scattered.

Because of their iniquities, destructions, famines, pestilences, and bloodshed shall come upon them; and they who shall not be destroyed shall be scattered among all nations. 2 Nephi 10:6

But someday the Jews will believe in Jesus and return to Israel. (The prophecy was fulfilled in 1948 when every Jew became Christian and Israel became an independent state.)

When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ ... they shall be restored ... unto the lands of their inheritance. 2 Nephi 10:7

In the meantime, God will make the Gentiles (white, non-Catholic, Christian Americans) great (in the eyes of him, saith he).

The Gentiles shall be great in the eyes of me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:8

The Gentile kings will be the Nephites' nursing fathers and their queens their nursing mothers. God will bless the Gentiles, while giving the land (America) to the Nephites (Mormons).

The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers unto them, and their queens shall become nursing mothers ... this land, said God, shall be a land of thine inheritance, and the Gentiles shall be blessed upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:9-10

America will be "a land of liberty" for Gentiles, with no kings allowed. (Not even nursing kings?)

This land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles, and there shall be no kings upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:11

God will fortify this land (America) against all other nations and whoever is against Zion (the Mormon church) is a dead, anti-God, cosmopolitan whore.

I will fortify this land against all other nations. And he that fighteth against Zion shall perish, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:12-13

He that fighteth against Zion, both Jew and Gentile, both bond and free, both male and female, shall perish; for they are they who are the whore of all the earth; for they who are not for me are against me, saith our God. 2 Nephi 10:16

Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment.

I will afflict thy seed by the hand of the Gentiles; nevertheless, I will soften the hearts of the Gentiles, that they shall be like unto a father to them; wherefore, the Gentiles shall be blessed and numbered among the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 10:18

God blessed America and consecrated it to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). The United States is God's favorite country, and someday all Americans will worship him and become Mormons.

I will consecrate this land unto thy seed, and them who shall be numbered among thy seed, forever, for the land of their inheritance; for it is a choice land, saith God unto me, above all other lands, wherefore I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:19

And make Mitt Romney their president.

Mitt Romney believes that all non-Mormon sects are an abomination in the sight of God

2011-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

OK, he didn't actually say that, but that's what he believes -- if he is, as he claims to be, a member of the LDS church.

There can be no doubt about this one. Here's why.

A Mormon believes that all scripture is inspired by God and is, therefore, true. One of the writings in LDS scripture is The Pearl of Great Price, which includes Joseph Smith -- History.

In his "History", Joseph Smith describes a meeting he had when he was 14 years old with God and Jesus. Joseph was confused about the various Christian sects, so he asked God to help him sort it all out. Here's what happened according to Mormon scripture.

Exerting all my powers to call upon God ... I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. 16

A light, brighter than the sun, fell on Joseph, and two brightly shining men appeared above him in the air. One of them said to him, while pointing at the other shiny guy, "Joseph, this is my beloved son. Hear him!" (Jesus's dad is on the right.)

When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him! 17

Which was really fortunate, since Joseph wanted to find out which of the Christian sects was right. Now that God and his son (Jesus, I'm thinking) had showed up, Joseph could just ask them directly. If anyone would know, they would.

My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. ... Therefore ... I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong)—and which I should join. 18

The more talkative one (Jesus' dad?) told Joseph that he should "join none of them, for they were all wrong" and that "all their creeds were an abomination in his sight."

I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight. 19

So if Mitt Romney is a Mormon, he believes that all non-Mormon Christian beliefs are wrong and an abomination in God's sight.

Either that or he believes that Joseph Smith was just making stuff up when he wrote Mormon scripture.

Someone should ask him which it is.

Injustice and the Bible: An analysis by book

2011-10-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Here's a plot of the verses that I've highlighted at the SAB that seem unjust (to me, anyway).

Matthew, Revelation, Luke, and Romans have the most injustices in the New Testament; and Jeremiah and Deuteronomy have the most in the Old.

Here's the Injustice Index plot, with the usual definition (highlighted passages / 100 verses).

Some of the smallest books have the largest Injustice Index, since although they only have a few unjust passages, they also have only a few dozen verses. Thus, 2 John, Jude, Titus, 2 Thessalonians, and 2 Peter compete with Revelation for the highest Injustice Index in the New Testament; and Amos, Zephaniah, Malachi, Obadiah, and Micah edge out Deuteronomy for the prize in the Old.

And the log-log plot with the more unjust books identified.

Women and the Bible: An analysis by book

2011-09-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Just one more analysis before I take a break for a few days.

I should mention, in case you haven't already noticed, that when I say "Women," I mean "Insults to women, misogyny, etc." The Bible doesn't have much nice to say about women, but when it does, I put it in the "Good Stuff." The same is true for the other categories, except for "Interpretation" and "Sex."

Here is the overall plot.

First Corinthians has the most insults to women in the New Testament, while Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel have the most in the Old.

The Women Index is defined in the usual way -- Insults per 100 verses.

First Timothy, Titus, and First Peter have the highest WI in the New Testament, and Hosea is highest in the Old.

Here is the log-log plot for Women.

I'll finish the analyses next week when I get back.

Biblical Sex: An analysis by book

2011-09-21T16:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I said injustice was next, but the Family Values analysis got me thinking about sex. So that's what I'm doing now.

As you can see, there's not much sex in the New Testament. We've got the whore of Babylon in Revelation, Paul saying there's no time for sex because Jesus is coming in 1 Corinthians, and Jesus telling us to cut off whatever body part causes us to commit adultery in our hearts in Matthew. But that's about it.

No, for sex, stick with the Old Testament. The Song of Solomon, Genesis, Leviticus, and Ezekiel will keep you busy for a lifetime.

The Sex Index is defined in the usual way (Sexual encounters per 100 verses).

I think we have a winner here. Nothing beats the Song of Solomon for sex.

Biblical Family Values: An analysis by book

2011-09-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Here are the family values plots.

Matthew and Luke have the most Family Values in the New Testament and Genesis does in the Old.

And here's how it looks when size is accounted for. (Family Values Index is the number of Family Values per 100 verses.)

First Peter takes the FVI prize in the New Testament and Hosea, Esther, and Ruth win the Old Testament's gold, silver, and bronze Family Values medals.

And here is the log-log plot (minus the books with no family values).

Next: Injustice.

Cruelty in the Bible: An analysis by book

2011-09-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Here are the plots for Cruelty.

Revelation and Leviticus have the most cruelties in the New and Old Testaments, respectively. But notice that there are a few cruelty-free books in each. These won't show up in the log-log plot, since it is bad luck to take the log of zero.

Here is a plot of the Cruelty Index, which is defined in the usual way (Cruelties / 100 verses).

Revelation and Leviticus stay in first place even after adjusting for their relatively large sizes. These two are blood-red with cruelty.

And here's the log-log plot (without the cruelty-free books).

Next up: Family Values.

Contradictions in the Bible: An analysis by book

2011-09-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I promised in my last post that I would create and analyze a Boring Index for the books of the Bible, and I'll to get to that. But first, I thought I'd go through the categories in the SAB and do unto them as I did to the absurdities. So here it is for the contradictions.
(Thanks for the suggestions in the comments on the plots.)

First I'll plot the number of contradictions in each book by testament.

Notice that the gospels have the most contradictions in the New Testament, as does Genesis in the Old. No big surprise there. But they are also rather big books. What happens if we take size into account?

We can do that with the Contradiction Index, which is just the number of contradictions per 100 verses. Here's what that looks like.

There are some surprises here. James is the most contradictory book of the New Testament, with Malachi taking the gold in the Old.

And here's a log-log plot of the number of contradictions versus the number of verses.

And now on to cruelty!

One Last Look at the Absurdities

2011-09-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

In the comments, Adam suggested that I do a log-log plot of the absurdity data, which was an excellent idea. It separates the mass of points involving the small books of the Bible and tames down the big ones.

Here's the result with some of the more interesting books identified.
(Red = New Testament, Black = Old Testament)

Thanks Adam!

Another Look at the Absurdities in the Bible

2011-09-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

Some of you were probably bothered by my last post on absurdities. Regression analysis is lots of fun, but what you really wanted was a Cleveland dot chart that would show at a glance the total number of absurdities in each book of the Bible. So I decided to make one for you.

So it turns out that Luke has the most absurdities in the New Testament, with Revelation a close second. Luke didn't show up as an outlier in the regression analysis since it also has the most verses in the New Testament.

What we need is an Absurdity Index that will take into account the number of absurdities and the number of verses.

And here's what I came up with.

Absurdity Index = 100 * Number of Absurdities / Number of Verses

Which is the number of absurdities per 100 verses.

Here's the Absurdity Index dot chart.

Now we see that Revelation is the clear winner for the New Testament, but Leviticus only gets the Old Testament's bronze medal for Absurdity. The little books of Jonah and Haggai are the most absurd, as measured by the Absurdity Index.

And what about the book of Psalms? It looked like a low outlier in the regression analysis, but now it's buried near the bottom with a bunch little books. Ezra and Nehemiah have the lowest AIs, but that's not because they're good; it's because they are so damned boring.

Which will be the topic of my next Biblical Statistics post: The Boring Index.

Helping Believers Resolve Contradictions: A Biblically Correct Approach

2011-09-19T16:54:00.000-07:00

Up to now I've mostly ignored contradictions. Oh, I list them, alright, but I don't focus on them, because they seem to me to be the least of the Bible's problems. Deuteronomy 13:6-10 is disgusting to everyone that reads it. And believers know better than to try to defend it or any of the thousands of other similarly unjustifiable passages. They focus on the contradictions instead.

And I've never seen a contradiction that a believer can't explain away in one way or another. Rarely, however, is a contradiction actually resolved with a straight answer.

So I've decided to help them out. I'm going to try to find Biblically Correct answers to all of the contradictions that I've listed. (They'll be given at the bottom of each contradiction.)

But first, I'll explain my approach. I begin with the believer's most sacred assumption, as stated in 2 Timothy 3:16: "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof" etc.

So when scriptures disagree, I'll try to resolve the disagreement by using the scriptures themselves. I'll begin by listing the passages that favor each side of the contradiction. Then I'll count the number on each side and select the Biblically Correct answer by determining which side has the highest number of divinely inspired passages. Let the Holy Ghost vote on it, so to speak.

That should work for most contradictions, but what happens with a tie?

I don't have a simple answer to that, except to say that I will try to find a Biblically Correct way to resolve God's disagreement with himself.

So let's get started. Here is the first contradiction on the list.

**How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?**
800	300
2 Samuel 23:8 These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. (KJV) These are the names of David's mighty men: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV) These are the names of the mighty men whom David had: Josheb-basshe'beth a Tah-che'monite; he was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against eight hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV)	1 Chronicles 11:11 And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had; Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. (KJV) this is the list of David's mighty men: Jashobeam, a Hacmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter. (NIV) This is an account of David's mighty men: Jasho'be-am, a Hach'monite, was chief of the three; he wielded his spear against three hundred whom he slew at one time. (RSV)
Note from the Oxford Annotated Bible for 2 Samuel 23:8-11: Josheb-basshebeth a Tachemonite is an error of a copyist; 1 Chr 11.11 has Jashobeam a Hachmonite. It has been proposed that the man's original name was Ishbaal (see 2.8 n. and 11.14-25 n.). So according to the Oxford Annotated Bible, Jashobeam and Josheb-basshe'beth (and Ishbaal) are different names for the same person.

Darn! Wouldn't you know it? The very first contradiction is a tie. First Chronicles says one thing and Second Samuel another. How will we ever know how many guys old what's-his-name impaled on his spear? This is important stuff, too. God wants us to know the answer. That's why he put it in the Bible -- twice.

Well, luckily when different versions of the same story are told in 1 Chronicles and 2 Samuel, we know which divinely inspired story to believe. First Chronicles was written several centuries after Second Samuel and the Chronicler used 2 Samuel as a source, so any conflict between them is easily resolved. The Biblically Correct answer is from 2 Samuel.

And just like that, the first contradiction is resolved. The answer is 800.

Wasn't that fun?

Absurdities in the Bible: An analysis by book

2011-09-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

Now that I've completed another revision of the SAB, I thought I'd get back to everyone's favorite subject: Bible statistics.

One of the categories in the SAB is absurdities, and the current list has a total of 2165, which is more than any other biblical category. The list changes all the time, though, as I find more fun stuff in the Bible. But if I wait until it's finished to do an analysis, an analysis will never get done.

Now I'm sure you often ask yourself the question, "Which book in the Bible is the most absurd?" We all do. It can make you crazier than a Tea Party presidential candidate if you're not careful.

So let's try to answer it. We can begin by plotting the total number of absurdities in each book of the Bible versus the number of verses in the book. Here's the resulting graph.

The graph tells us a few things right away.

Leviticus has the most absurdities (158).
There are three books that have an unusual number of absurdities for their sizes. Two high (Revelation and Leviticus) and one low (Psalms).
The number of absurdities increases with the number of verses in a more or less linear fashion. (The line on the graph is the zero intercept least squares regression model for the data after removing the three outliers.
y = 0.0651 x, R² = 0.9049.)

Since I knew some of you would ask for it, I repeated the analysis for each testament separately. Here's the graph for the Old.
(Model, outliers excluded: y = 0.0617 x, R² = 0.8934)

And here's the New.
(Model, outlier excluded: y = 0.0770 x, R² = 0.9622)

The separate models are similar to each other and to the combined model. The same outliers are present and the coefficients are of nearly equal magnitude. So that leaves us with this:

Leviticus is the most absurd book in the Old Testament and Revelation is in the New. And the book of Psalms seems abnormally normal for such a large biblical book.
Generally we can expect to find about 6.5 absurdities in each 100 verses of the Bible.

OK. But which book is the weirdest? Leviticus or Revelation?

Well, here are their numbers.

	Absurdities	Verses	Absurdities per 100 verses
Leviticus	158	859	18.4
Revelation	94	404	23.3

So I guess I'd go with Revelation.

2 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day

2011-09-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

Jacob takes a break from his preaching (again) by throwing in a few more chapters from Isaiah so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church will know the covenants that God has covenanted with the Jews.

And now, my beloved brethren, I have read these things that ye might know concerning the covenants of the Lord that he has covenanted with all the house of Israel.
That he has spoken unto the Jews ... until the time comes that they shall be restored to the true church. 2 Nephi 9:1-2

But I'm going to skip all that. Isaiah sucks (the breasts of kings).

After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they'll all burn in hell unless they repent, believe, and be baptized in the name of someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so.

If they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name ... they must be damned [to] hell ... the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 2 Nephi 9:24-26

Then he takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye.

Behold, I take off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray ... God ... view me with his all-searching eye ... that I stand with brightness before him, and am rid of your blood. 2 Nephi 9:44

After that Jacob is not only naked, he's also a bit tired, so he'll finish his sermon tomorrow.

And now, my brethren, I would speak unto you more; but on the morrow I will declare unto you the remainder of my words. Amen. 2 Nephi 9:54

Tomorrow is a Latter Day.

Ron Paul's health care plan: Let uninsured sick people die and unlicensed "doctors" practice medicine

2011-09-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Conan Factoids: Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry

2011-09-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

Reparative Therapy: It's time to open the door

2011-09-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

Michele Bachmann's favorite Bible story: Jonathan and his gay companion slaughter the entire Philistine army

2011-08-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.

Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)

And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.

Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).

And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.

But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

Doug Wilson quotes Ezekiel 23:20 (NSFW)

2011-08-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

"Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." Ezekiel 23:19-21
Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer

Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.

You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."

Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.

Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.

But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.

You can register for the conference here.

Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'
Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination
Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue
The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?

Those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.

2011-08-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Here's why.

It all has to do with the question that Byron York asked Michele Bachmann at the debate last Thursday night.

In 2006, when you were running for Congress, you described a moment in your life when your husband said you should study for a degree in tax law. You said you hated the idea, and then you explained: "But the Lord said, be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband." As president, would you be submissive to your husband?

It was a surprisingly fair and balanced question for a debate sponsored by Fox News.

Ms. Bachmann didn't answer the question, of course. Instead she said that she respected her husband and was proud of their 28 kids.

And yet she believes she should be submissive to her husband in everything, as though he were God himself. She believes this because she believes in the Bible and the Bible says exactly that.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1

Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5

So a vote for Michelle Bachmann is not a vote for her; it's a vote for her husband, Marcus.

And that might be OK with Bachmann's supporters. Marcus is, by all accounts, as bat-shit crazy as his wife. He loves Jesus just as much as she does (maybe even more).

But to vote for Marcus you must vote for Michele, which is something the Bible does not permit.

I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14

A woman president would have authority over men, and thereby cause the word of God to be blasphemed. (If, as Doug Wilson says, Titus 2:5 means anything.)

So those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
(Neither, of course, should anyone else.)

What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'

2011-08-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a ~~rich man~~ job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a ~~rich man~~ job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are ~~rich~~ job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain ~~rich man~~ job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the ~~rich man's~~ job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the ~~rich man~~ job creator also died, and was buried;
And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

Jesus Christ: The Former Mighty Warrior of the United States Air Force

2011-08-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.

Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.

And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.
And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.
And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.
And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.
And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.

Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.

He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.

Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!

The Exodus 30:15 debt limit "compromise"

2011-08-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel. Exodus 30:15

OK, it might take more than half a shekel (~ $10) from each US taxpayer, but you get the idea. Each of us pays the same, whether rich or poor.

Take the military, for example. Each of the 100.6 million full-time employees chips in $6810 this year and we've got the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya paid for. No sweat.

Then to pay off the debt (caused by unfunded wars and tax cuts for the wealthy), we each throw in another $142,000 or so. A piece of cake.

It might be a bit rough for for the average worker making $39,000 a year, but Oh well. We must protect our "Job Creators" (wealthy people).

The Bible tells us so.

Gobsmacked by the nasty bits of the Bible

2011-07-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

The Reverend Geraint ap lorwert, rector of the St Peter ad Vincula Church in Pennal, Wales, began re-reading the Bible in Lent and was "gobsmacked" by the cruelty that he found within. So he cut out the "nasty bits" and displayed them on what he calls "the wall of shame."

He also included whatever good bits he could find, burning the remaining scraps as a testament to the "cruel and vile God" of the Bible, saying "the King James Bible should be praised for its language but not for the God it represents."

The result is sort of a condensed, artistic version of the SAB.

God has renamed Campus Crusade for Christ

2011-07-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

It's now Cru.

“We believe wholeheartedly that God has given us this new name,” said Steve Sellers, vice president for the U.S. for Campus Crusade for Christ.

God gave the original name (Campus Crusade for Christ) to Bill Bright back in 1951, but God figures it's time to rename it now. Having the word "campus" or "crusade" or "Christ" in it just doesn't sound right to the big guy anymore.

So on Tuesday, God chose a new name from over 1600 suggested, using the same method that he used to replace Judas after Judas hung himself and/or splattered his guts on the ground: he put all the names in a hat and picked the winner.

And God picked "Cru."

God knows what "cru" means, but he's not telling. It isn't short for "Crusade," though, if that's what you're thinking. "Crusade is a 1970s kind of word," as Robert Stewart, the executive director of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida, explained. It's outdated and God doesn't like it anymore.

So now it's just "cru."
(Or maybe "Cru for you-know-who")

The Bible's solution to the debt crisis: First Timothy 5 - 6

2011-07-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Republicans and Democrats just can't seem to find a solution to the debt crisis. That's because they are ignoring what the Bible has to say about it. Because the perfect compromise can be found in 1 Timothy 5 and 6.

Chapter 5 should please the Republicans.

The author (I'll call him "Paul" since that's who he claimed to be, though he probably wasn't) explains precisely who should, and who should not, be helped. His focus was on widows, but the same principles could be applied to all.

The first thing Paul does is distinguish between "widows indeed" and other types of widows. Widows indeed (true widows) should be honored (given public assistance).

Honour widows that are widows indeed. 1 Timothy 5:3

But which widows are "widows indeed?"

Paul has a list of ten requirements. A widow is a widow indeed if she:

Has no living children or nephews. (If the widow has any living children or nephews, it is their responsibility to take care of her.)
But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents. 1 Timothy 5:4
Is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time.
Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. 1 Timothy 5:5
Is not living in pleasure.
(A widow living in pleasure is the living dead.)
But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth. 1 Timothy 5:6
Is over 60 years old.
Let not a widow be taken into the number under threescore years old. 1 Timothy 5:9a
Had only one husband.
(A woman who has buried two husbands wouldn't qualify.)
Having been the wife of one man. 1 Timothy 5:9b
Has raised children.
(No barren or selfish, childless women need apply.)
If she have brought up children. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has lodged strangers.
If she have lodged strangers. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has washed the saints' feet.
If she have washed the saints' feet. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has relieved the afflicted.
If she have relieved the afflicted. 1 Timothy 5:10
Has diligently followed every good work.
If she have diligently followed every good work. 1 Timothy 5:10

Applying Paul's rules for widows would greatly reduce the number of widows that would qualify for public assistance. The same approach when extended to all seniors would result in the 1 Timothy 5 plan for Medicare -- which is the Paul Ryan plan. (No medicare at all.)

The money that is saved from the 1 Timothy 5/Paul (the Apostle) Ryan Medicare Plan could be applied to reducing the deficit -- or (more likely) giving tax cuts to wealthy individuals and corporations ("the job creators"). The "public assistance for job creators" plan should easily pass the House. I think it already has.

And now for the Democratic Plan.

It can stated in just two verses from 1 Timothy 6.

Charge them that are rich ... that they be ... ready to distribute. 1 Timothy 6:17-18

OK, never mind. Screw the compromise. Let's just go with 1 Timothy 6 plan. (If we can stay away from the first two verses, that is.)

What the Bible says about the Republican Primary

2011-07-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.

Just let God do it for them.

The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.

Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.

That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.

God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").

Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19

Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)

And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20

Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)

When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a

And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)

And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b

But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.

When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c

So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.

Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22

And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)

And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23

It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."

And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24

Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.

But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27

So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)

(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)

What the Bible says about Liberals (and why Todd Akin should become one)

2011-06-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

Congressmen Todd Akin (R-MO) recently said this about liberals:

At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God.

So I thought I'd check to see what the Bible says about them. Here's what I found.

God makes liberals fat.
The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25
And since being fat is is sure sign of righteousness in the eyes of God, liberals are righteous people.
The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat and flourishing. -- Psalm 92:12-14
Liberals are not lying, churlish, vile, villainous hypocrites that steal from the poor and hungry. (Guess who that would be.)
The vile person shall be no more called liberal ... For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy ... to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words. -- Isaiah 32:5-7
Liberals distribute wealth from the rich to the poor.
For your liberal distribution ... unto all men ... Thanks be unto God. -- 2 Corinthians 9:13-15
And lastly, liberals devise and stand for liberal things.
The liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. -- Isaiah 32:8

God loves liberals. Todd Akin should become one. Then God would love him, too.

A Mormon just believes.

2011-06-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed the Mormon reaction to the Tony-winning Broadway musical The Book of Mormon? Probably not. There wasn't much of one.

Mormons haven't tried to defend themselves by claiming that it got things wrong. And that is because it didn't. Mormons believe what The Book of Mormon claims they do.

Take the song, I Believe, for example. Here are some of the lyrics.

I believe that ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America.
That is a fair summary of entire Book of Mormon. Ancient Jews sailed to America and separated into two groups: one "fair and delightsome" to God, the other evil and dark-skinned. (God darkened their skin to punish them for their disbelief and to discourage intermarriage with the white folk.) The dark-skinned Jews killed off all their white relatives and thereby became the ancestors of today's Native Americans.
I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people.
Here is what God said in 1949 through the First Presidency under George Albert Smith:
The attitude of the Church with reference to the Negroes remains as it has always stood. It is not a matter of the declaration of a policy but of direct commandment from the Lord, on which is founded the doctrine of the Church from the days of its organization, to the effect that Negroes may become members of the Church but that they are not entitled to the Priesthood at the present time. The prophets of the Lord have made several statements as to the operation of the principle. President Brigham Young said: "Why are so many of the inhabitants of the earth cursed with a skin of blackness? It comes in consequence of their fathers rejecting the power of the holy priesthood, and the law of God. They will go down to death. And when all the rest of the children have received their blessings in the holy priesthood, then that curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will then come up and possess the priesthood, and receive all the blessings which we now are entitled to."

And here is what God said after changing his mind in 1978:
He has heard our prayers, and by revelation has confirmed that the long-promised day has come when every faithful, worthy man in the church may receive the Holy Priesthood, with power to exercise its divine authority, and enjoy with his loved ones every blessing that follows there from, including the blessings of the temple. Accordingly, all worthy male members of the church may be ordained to the priesthood without regard for race or color. Priesthood leaders are instructed to follow the policy of carefully interviewing all candidates for ordination to either the Aaronic or the Melchizedek Priesthood to insure that they meet the established standards for worthiness.
I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob.
You can read all about it in chapter 3 of the Book of Abraham.
And I believe that the garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri.
This one is less clear to me, but there's no doubt about it among Mormons.
Here is the secret code left by Joseph Smith identifying Independence, Missouri in Jackson County as the original Garden of Eden. (Mormons believe "the center place" to be the Garden of Eden. You'll just have to trust them on that.)
Hearken, O ye elders of my church, sayeth the Lord your God, who have assembled yourselves together, according to my commandments, in this land, which is the land of Missouri, which is the land which I have appointed and consecrated for the gathering of saints.
Wherefore, this is the land of promise, and the place for the city of Zion.
Thus saith the Lord your God, if you will receive wisdom here is wisdom. Behold, the place which is now called Independence is the center place; a a spot for the temple is lying westward, upon a lot which is not far from the court-house. -- Doctrine and Covenants 57:1-3

Richard Bushman, the Howard W. Hunter Visiting Professor of Mormon Studies at Claremont Graduate University in California, claims that "The Book of Mormon is like looking into a fun-house mirror; the reflection is hilarious but not really you."

But it is you, Dr. Bushman. It is you, and all Mormons like you, that believe the things you believe. You may not recognize yourself, since you've never looked at your beliefs in a flat mirror before. But your beliefs are bat-shit crazy, as anyone viewing them from the outside knows immediately.

And you seem to understand it, too, when you say this about The Book of Mormon:

I suppose it seems obvious to many people that a moment’s reflection about personal planets, Kolob, and the Garden of Eden in Missouri will plant doubts. Any rational person in the modern world who thinks about such outlandish ideas for one second will see they are preposterous. Mormons can’t think about their faith; they must “just believe.”

I agree with you here. It is obvious to any rational person after a moment's reflection that Mormon beliefs about personal planets, Kolob, the Missouri Garden of Eden are preposterous. Mormons can't think rationally about their faith; they must just believe.

And as long as they just believe, we will just laugh at them.

If Mormons don't like people laughing at them for believing stupid things, they should stop believing stupid things.

The Periodic Table of Atheists

2011-06-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

I'm number 65, which I guess makes me Terbium, the rarest of the rare earth elements. Or something like that.

Actually, though, my symbol is Ab, which is probably for "Annotated Bible" in the SAB, since, as you remember from your Chemistry class, only two letters are allowed for element symbols (S is taken by Sam Harris, and Sa by Carl Sagan). I'm grouped in "the wicked of the web," along with Sc (Skepchick, Rebecca Wastson), Bh (Blag Hag, Jen McCreight), Ec (Edward Current), and Md (Mr. Deity, Brian Keith Dalton). I am in very good company!

2011 Absurdities in the Bible

2011-06-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting more lately, but I've been revising the SAB, getting it ready to publish it in book form. I'm now working my way through the gospel of John, and I just noticed that the total number of absurdities is 2011.

Here's a link: 2011 Absurdities in the Bible.

The Best Fathers in the Bible: Examples for Father's Day

2011-06-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8
Later he got drunk and impregnated them.
Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14
He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.
And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
Isaac
Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.

Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28

Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13

The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead.
There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
Caleb
Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16

The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17

It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23

So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30
He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.

And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God.
Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25
David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).
Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27
And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.
So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
David
You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.
So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46

The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
Job
Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2

As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13

So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
Simon Peter
We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39

Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.

Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world

2011-06-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

OK, so now that we know all about Paul Revere's ride and Anthony's weener, let's get back to more important things. Like the end of the world.

Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.

He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.

Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)

Before the end comes the following things must happen:

Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.
Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5

Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24

Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6

Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8
(I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)
There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)
Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6

Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7

When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9
(There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)
There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)
There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8

There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8

Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11
(This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)
Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.
Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9

They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9

They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12
(This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)
But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)
But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18
(Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)
Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).
Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9

Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13

Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17
(The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)
Believers will hate one another.
Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10

(Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)
Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.
Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12

Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16
(Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)
Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)
Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13

He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13
(Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)
The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).
This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14

The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10
(This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)
The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)
When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16

When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14
(Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)
Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.
Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19

Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17

Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23
(I suppose this one has always been true.)
Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).
Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24
(I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)
It will be bloody hell out there.
Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21

In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19
(I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)
Everyone will be afraid of everything.
Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26
(There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)
The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.
The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29

The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25
(Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)
Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.
As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27

Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30

And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26

And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26
(Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)
And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.
Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34

Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30

Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32
(Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)

So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.

Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).

Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32

So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.

The Pakistani Clerics are right: The Bible is blasphemy (Try reading Genesis 19 sometime)

2011-06-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

A group of Islamic clerics wants the Pakistani Supreme Court to rule certain Bible passages blasphemous. They say that these passages present some of the prophets of Islam as being just a tad shy of completely virtuous.

Take Lot, for example. Lot is a prophet of Islam and is, therefore, a perfect example of moral virtue.

But that's not how he's portrayed in the Bible. I'll let Professor Brothers tell you the story from Genesis 19.

Now if that isn't blasphemy, I don't know what is.

But Muslims aren't bothered by Professor Brothers' story. They couldn't be, since the same story is told in the Quran.

When Our messengers came unto Lot, he was distressed and knew not how to protect them. ... And his people came unto him, running towards him - and before then they used to commit abominations - He said: O my people! Here are my daughters! They are purer for you. Beware of Allah, and degrade me not in (the person of) my guests. Is there not among you any upright man? Quran 11:77-78

When the messengers came unto the family of Lot ... And the people of the city came, rejoicing at the news (of new arrivals). He said: Lo! they are my guests. Affront me not! ... He said: Here are my daughters, if ye must be doing (so). Quran 15:61-71

No, it wasn't that Lot offered his virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers. That was perfectly virtuous. It was the rest of the story in Genesis 19, the part that Professor Brothers just couldn't make himself tell.

Here is the blasphemous bit that upsets the Muslim clerics.

I guess getting drunk and impregnating your daughters is not considered virtuous to Muslims. (It doesn't bother Christians, though. They believe messed-up Bible story #7, and yet still consider Lot a "just and righteous man.")

Muslims deny Lot's drunken incestuous couple of nights in the cave. They say it didn't happen and anyone that says it did commits blasphemy (and must, therefore, be killed). Which means, of course, that Genesis 19:30-38 is blasphemy.

And the Bible has to be banned.

Oh well.

The Egyptian military and the Bible agree: Sometimes virginity tests are necessary

2011-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier this spring, the Egyptian military arrested women demonstrators in Tahrir Square and subjected them to "virginity tests." According to an Egyptian general, these tests were done for two reasons: 1) to prove that the Egyptian authorities didn't rape the women, and 2) to prove that the women were prostitutes.

And the test worked like a charm. All of the women failed the test, proving that they were prostitutes (since they were non-virgins) and that the authorities did not rape them (since you can't rape a woman who is not a virgin).

Since Egypt is a predominantly Muslim country, I thought I'd check to see if the Quran mentions virginity testing. It doesn't, so far as I can tell.

But the Bible does.

Here, for example, is how Moses told his military leaders to apply virginity tests on Midianite women. (God's 26th Killing)

Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore ... kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18

I suspect that the test procedure was similar to the Egyptian military's, but the outcome was different. The Egyptians tortured, terrorized, and humiliated women prisoners; the Israelites killed those who failed the test and enslaved (and raped) those that passed.

The same test was used in Judges 21, where the non-Benjamite Israelites were looking for wives for the Benjamites after their unsuccessful God-inspired genocide attempt. (It's a long story, see here for the details.)

Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children ... utterly destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male: and they brought them unto the camp to Shiloh. Judges 21:10-12

And, of course, virginity testing is required whenever a woman gets married. If she passes (by providing "the tokens of her virginity"), she becomes the possession of her husband; if she fails, the men of her city stone her to death.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

"Virginity tests" are a degrading form of torture that should be condemned by everyone, regardless of nationality or religious belief.

But how can a Bible believer condemn such tests when they are approved and promoted by the Bible?

Hasa Diga Eebowai!

2011-05-26T16:43:00.001-07:00

To listen to the other songs in "The Book of Mormon" click here.

Zephaniah 1:2-3: After the Rapture (whenever that may be), God will kill every living thing

2011-05-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea. Zephaniah 1:2-3

(You might not be able to tell just from reading it, but this passage shows God's concern for the environment and his attitude toward poverty and justice. That's why it is highlighted in both the Green Bible and the Poverty and Justice Bible.)

God is going to burn to death every living thing on earth, as he explains in Zephaniah 3:8 (which is also highlighted in the P&J Bible).

All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.

Christians aren't bothered by this, though, since it won't happen until after the Rapture. They'll be in heaven, while everyone and everything else is "devoured with the fire of [God's] jealousy."

So it all works out fine in the end. God's justice, concern for the environment, and his love for humanity will be clearly shown when he burns everyone and everything on earth (except the Bible-believers, of course).

That is why believers have been saying for nearly 2000 years, and still say today, "Come Lord Jesus!" They are looking forward to the day and the hour that Harold Camping tried to predict.

(Mr. Camping has a new date, by the way -- October 21, 2011.)

Let the scoffing begin!

2011-05-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

There shall come in the last days scoffers ... saying, Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation. 2 Peter 3:3-4

Leaders in Free Thought intervew

2011-05-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

I've been away for a while, revising the SAB, trying to get it ready to publish in book form. I have a little hermitage (trailer, really) by the lake where I go to get things done. This trip it was Lamentations, Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea, Joel, and Amos. I've updated the SAB accordingly.

So that's why I haven't been posting lately. And if you've submitted a comment and found that it hasn't been posted, well blame it on my cell phone (or me). The only internet access I have at the hermitage is a smart phone, and I'm a bit of a clutz in punching buttons on it. So sometimes when I wanted to press "publish" I got "delete" instead. Sorry about that. Re-submit and hope I push the right button this time.

Meanwhile, here's an interview that I did with Leaders in Free Thought.

Take the Sam Harris challenge: Improve the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon in less than five minutes

2011-05-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

The truth is that religion, as we speak of it (Islam, Christianity, Judaism), is based on the claim that God dictates certain books. He doesn't code software; he doesn't produce films; he doesn't score symphonies. He is an author. And this claim has achieved credibility because these works are so profound that they could not possibly have been written by human authors.
...
How difficult would it be to improve the Bible?
Anyone in this room could improve the supposedly inerrant text scientifically, historically, ethically, or spiritually in a moment.

OK, so let's try to improve the Bible. I'll start by suggesting that the following passage be deleted.

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;
Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

That's much better. A kind and loving God wouldn't tell us to kill our family and friends for disagreeing with us about religion.

What about the Quran? Could that be improved?

How about removing this verse?

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Lo! Allah is ever High, Exalted, Great. Quran 4:34

There. Now men can't claim it's OK to beat their wives for being disobedient. That's quite an improvement, I'd say.

And now for the Book of Mormon.

I nominate the following verses for removal.

And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.
And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.
And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:21-23

Now the LDS church doesn't have as much to be embarrassed about.

And now it's your turn. Spend a few minutes improving these three perfect books.

The good people in the Bible

2011-04-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

A while back, I said that Vashti was the best person in the Bible. And while I still think she's a good choice for that award, I'd like to consider all possible candidates. Here is my attempt to do that. Let me know if I've left out any of your favorite Bible characters.

The Talking Serpent
OK, so maybe he wasn't human, but he was the wisest and most honest character in Genesis. Here's his conversation with Eve.
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:1-5

And the serpent was correct, according to the Bible anyway. When Eve and Adam ate from the tree of knowledge, they didn't die^*, and their eyes were opened to know good and evil.
Eve
The Bible doesn't say much about Eve. There is only one conversation recorded and that is with a talking serpent. But in it she shows a courageous love of goodness, beauty, and truth.
When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat. Genesis 3:6
Hagar
At Sarah and God's insistence, Abraham sent Hagar and their son Ishmael into the desert. When Ishmael was about to die, Hagar left him under a bush and cried because she couldn't bear to see him die.
And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. Genesis 21:15-16
Zipporah
Zipporah saved Moses from being killed by God by cutting off the foreskin of their son with a sharp stone. I don't know how she knew what had upset Moses' psychopathic god, but she figured it out quickly and did what had to be done. Then she threw the bloody foreskin at Moses' feet saying, "a bloody husband you are to me."
It came to pass ... that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.
Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:24-25
The ten honest scouts
Moses sent out twelve scouts to check out the land of Canaan. When they returned, one of the scouts (Caleb and maybe Joshua) told Moses that it would be easy to invade and conquer the people of Canaan. But ten other scouts disagreed.
The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.
And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33

So God, who only likes good news, killed them for their honest report.
Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:37
Korah and his companions
Moses and Aaron had absolute authority over the Israelites -- until it was challenged by Korah and his companions. Here's what they said to Moses.
Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16:3

So God and Moses arranged a test. If Korah and his companions die a natural death, then God didn't send Moses. But if Korah and his friends (and their families) are buried alive, then God is Moses' special friend.
And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me.
...
If these men die the common death of all men ... then the LORD hath not sent me.
But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. Numbers 16:28-30

The test proved that Moses is God's special friend (since the other guys were buried alive).
But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.
And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:
And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.
They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. Numbers 16:28-33
The people who complained about God's killings
During the Exodus, God burned and buried people alive, had people stoned to death, and killed tens of thousands in plagues. So, as you might expect, the people were pretty freaked out about it. Here's what they said:
All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16:41

So God sent a plague and killed another 14,700.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. ...
Behold, the plague was begun among the people. ...
Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred. Numbers 16:44-49
The couple murdered by Phinehas
The Israelites pissed off God by having sex with Moabite women.
the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1
So God sent a plague to kill them all. Then Phinehas saw an Israelite man and a Moabite woman,
One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman. Numbers 25:6
and impaled them with a spear through their bellies.
When Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand ... and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8
God was so pleased by Phinehas' double murder that he stopped killing people with the plague, after only 24,000 died. (Well, 23,000 if you believe Paul.)
So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. nd those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8-9
The daughters of Zelophehad
Then came the daughters of Zelophehad ... Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah.
And they stood before Moses, and before Eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,
Our father died in the wilderness ... and had no sons.
Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore a possession among the brethren of our father.
And Moses brought their cause before the LORD.
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause the inheritance of their father to pass unto them. Numbers 27:1-7
The peaceful unsuspecting people of Laish
The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27
Nabal
When David was fighting with Saul, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and sent some of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.
David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. ...
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 1 Samuel 25:5-8

But Nabal was on to David's protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? ...
Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11

When David heard about it, he swore to kill Nabal and all his men (everyone "that pisseth against the wall").
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

But, as it turns out, God beat him to it and killed Nabal for David,
And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38

and gave David his wife and other stuff.
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD .... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39
Phaltiel
After Michal helped David escape from her father Saul, Saul gave her away to another man named Phalti.
Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti.

But later, after he had collected a half dozen or more wives, David demanded Michal back. (Heck, he paid 200 foreskins for her!)
And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 3:14

Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."
And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish. And her husband went with her along weeping behind her. 2 Samuel 3:15
Uzzah
When the ark was being transported to Jerusalem, Uzzah, one of the drivers of the cart, reached out his hand to steady the ark to keep it from falling. God thanked him in his usual way: he killed him.
And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. ...
And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor , Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:3-7
Michal
David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins. She was the daughter of Saul and her name was Michal. She rescued David from her father by lowering him on a rope through the window (1 Samuel 19:11-17), which was both brave and clever. But what impresses me even more was the way she criticized David for dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody.
David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. ...
Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20

Of course God doesn't like it when anyone criticizes David. So he made her die childless. (But not really.)
Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. 2 Samuel 6:23
Rizpah
To appease God and end a famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord."
There was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. ...
Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement. ...
And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:1-6

So David rounded up and delivered two sons of Rizpah, Saul's concubine, and five sons of his daughter Michal, and they hung them up before the Lord.
The king took the two sons of Rizpah ... whom she bare unto Saul ... and the five sons of Michal ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

Rizpah stayed with her dead sons, chasing the birds away in the daytime and animals away at night.
And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth, and spread it for her upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffered neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. 2 Samuel 21:10

And God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him.
They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land 2 Samuel 21:13-14
Jeroboam's wife
Jeroboam's wife (the Bible doesn't bother giving her a name) was worried about her sick son. So she went to see the blind prophet Ahijah to see if he could help.
Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4

When she arrived, Ahijah had a message from God regarding her son.
Bhold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10

Which wasn't particularly good news to Jeroboam's wife, since her sick son had pissed on a few walls here and there.
But it got worse as the prophet elaborated a bit.
Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

So God was going to kill all of the male descendants of Jeroboam, strew their dead bodies on the ground like dung, and use them for dog and bird food.
Oh and her son? He would be dead by the time she got home.
Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And, sure enough, God killed her sick little boy the moment she entered his room.
And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17
Vashti: The best person in the Bible?
Vashti refused to entertain the king's drunken guests.
The king made a feast ... seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance.
On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.
But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:5-12
Job's wife
In the book of Job, God and Satan play a cruel gambling game with the lives of Job and his family. Satan bets that Job will curse God to his face if Job's life is made unpleasant enough. So God (or Satan, it's hard to tell them apart) kills Job's family and sends various torments upon him.
Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, he should curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die. She is the only voice of reason in the book of Job.
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. Job 2:9

* God told Adam that he would die the day that he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Yet he and Eve ate from that tree and lived another 930 years. (In the case of Adam, anyway. The Bible doesn't say how long Eve lived.)

Afterbirthers and bloody bedsheeters

2011-04-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

From the Onion:

WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.

And the bloody bedsheeters have a point here, too. If you believe in the Bible, that is.

The Bible says this about a woman that cannot produce a bloody bedsheet on her wedding night:

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her.
... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid.
Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.
...
But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel,
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

So Alan Keyes and the bloody bedsheeters are just obeying the Bible by asking Obama to "bring forth the tokens" of his mother's virginity.

Is that too much to ask?

April 29 note: The Onion article is not far from the truth.

Alan Keyes is demanding a forensic investigation of Obama's birth certificate.

A Green Bible Verse for Earth Day

2011-04-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm a few days late, but I just happened to see this verse that is marked green in the world's most dishonest book -- The Green Bible.

Therefore thus says the Lord God: My anger and my wrath shall be poured out on this place, on human beings and animals, on the trees of the field and the fruit of the ground; it will burn and not be quenched. Jeremiah 7:20, The Green Bible

I have no idea why it's marked green, except that the words "animals", "trees", and "fruit" are in it.

And yet when you read chapter 7 of Jeremiah, the meaning of this verse is clear enough: God's wrath will be poured out on the environment to punish humans for worshiping incorrectly.

There are no green Bible verses. There are only verses dishonestly marked green in the Green Bible.

What really happened to Jesus

2011-04-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

There are many beliefs in the great vat of stupidity.

A Muslim / Mormon Good Friday to you!

2011-04-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

We all know what Christians believe about Jesus' death. It's impossible to live in the western world without hearing the crucifixion stories, especially around this time of year.

But what about Muslims and Mormons? Do they have any cool Good Friday stories?

You betcha!

Muslims just deny the whole thing. Jesus (peanut butter and jelly be upon him) was a prophet and Allah would never allow one of his prophets to die by crucifixion. (Allah saves that for his enemies.)

No, according to the Quran, Jesus didn't die by crucifixion.

Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about crucifying Jesus (we've all heard them do that!), but they didn't really. It just looked that way to them.

And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a

Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in do the crucifixion for him. (Some Muslims say it was Judas.)

And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8

And what about the Mormons? What do they believe about it?

Well, they've taken a crazy story and made it even crazier.

Remember how in the Bible story it got dark for three hours just before Jesus died? Well, in the Book of Mormon the darkness lasts for three days!

For three days there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon, or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. And this was in North America!

It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land ... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled with their fine and exceedingly dry wood, so that there could not be any light at all; And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars, for so great were the mists of darkness which were upon the face of the land ... It came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen. 3 Nephi 8:20-23

Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.

The Bible stories say that there was an earthquake when Jesus died. Well, the Book of Mormon tops that one, too. Not only was there an earthquake, but entire cites sunk into the ocean, were burned, or were completely destroyed. The whole earth was deformed.

The city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain ...
The whole face of the land was changed, because of the tempest and the whirlwinds and the thunderings and the lightnings, and the exceedingly great quaking of the whole earth ...
And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ...
And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:8-17

And you thought the zombie story in Mathew 27:52-53 was crazy!

Vashti: The best person in the Bible

2011-04-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

It's hard to find good people in the Bible.

There are lots of bad guys, though. Noah, Lot, Abraham, Moses, Gideon, Jephthah, Samson, Samuel, David, Elijah, Elisha, Jehu -- all are candidates for "The Worst Person in the Bible" award (or even "The Worst Person in the World," if existence isn't a criterion). Heck, even Jesus behaved badly as often as not.

But there are a few people in the Bible that can honestly be called good. And Vashti is one of them. Of course, whoever made up the story about her didn't see it that way, which just goes to show how messed up the Bible truly is.

The story takes place in the first chapter of Esther, where King Ahasuerus is getting ready to throw another party. This is a guy who liked to show off. He'd just finished displaying his riches in a 180-day feast.

In the third year of his reign, he made a feast unto all his princes and his servants; the power of Persia and Media, the nobles and princes of the provinces, being before him: When he shewed the riches of his glorious kingdom and the honour of his excellent majesty many days, even an hundred and fourscore days. Esther 1:3-4

Still, he wanted to party some more, so he invited all the men in the palace to come to a seven-day drink fest.

And when these days were expired, the king made a feast unto all the people that were present in Shushan the palace, both unto great and small, seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance. Esther 1:5-7

On the seventh day, when he was good and drunk, the king ordered Queen Vashti to put on her crown and strut her stuff before him and his drunken male guests.

On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on. Esther 1:10-11

But she refused.

But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:12a

Which, of course, royally pissed off his drunken highness.

Therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him. Esther 1:12b

The king asked his wise me what to do about it.

The king said to the wise men ... What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to law, because she hath not performed the commandment of the king? Esther 1:13-15

The wise men told the king that Vashti's offense wasn't just against him, but against every man in the kingdom. For if the king can't force his own wife to do whatever disgusting thing he wants, how will regular guys be able to do it?

Vashti the queen hath not done wrong to the king only, but also to all the princes, and to all the people ... For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes, when it shall be reported, The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not. Esther 1:16-17

The solution, they said, was to banish (or refuse to have sex with, or imprison, or kill, or whatever) Vashti and give her crown to a woman "better [prettier] than she."

Let there go a royal commandment ... That Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her royal estate unto another that is better than she. Esther 1:19

So all the fair young virgins throughout the kingdom were brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most replaced Vashti.

Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king ... that they may gather together all the fair young virgins ... And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. Esther 2:2-4

And the king sent out a royal decree to everyone throughout the kingdom commanding all wives to honor and obey their husbands, "both great and small" so that "every man should bear rule in his own house."

The king's decree [that] ... all the wives shall give to their husbands honour, both to great and small ... that every man should bear rule in his own house. Esther 1:20-22

That's all the Bible says about Vashti.

Not much to go on, is it? A queen who had the courage to refuse to entertain her husband's drunken guests. But can you think of another Bible character that is more worthy of "The Best Person is the Bible" award?

Should Christians grow the word of God by burning the Quran?

2011-04-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Here's what the Bible says about it:

Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed. Acts 19:19-20

And here is the Brick Testament story:

The first book burning

The early Christians mightily grew the word of God and prevailed by burning the books of their competitors. If the Quran had of been around at the time, would they have burned it, too?

Read before burning

2011-04-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

I think I've found the solution to the read or burn problem with scripture.

My first reaction was the politically and religiously correct suggestion to read it, don't burn it. And I still think that it's a good idea to read it.

But while reading, apply the newest and most ancient principle of scriptural interpretation, which is this:

Any scripture that includes verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.

So if you find in the scripture that you're reading verses that breed violence, hatred, or disdain, reject that scripture as illegitimate.

Of course, what you do with illegitimate scripture is your own damned business. But burning seems like a reasonable option.

The Sovereign Lord says, "Beck will lift up my banner to the people."

2011-04-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Jon Stewart spent his whole show last saying goodbye to Glenn Beck. And it was worth every minute of it. It was all great, of course, but the part I liked best was his quote of Isaiah 49:22.

Here it is in the King James Version:

Thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, and set up my standard to the people: and they shall bring thy sons in their arms, and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders.

But that's not what he quoted from. He used the New International Version (NIV), which reads this way:

This is what the Sovereign LORD says: "See, I will beckon to the Gentiles, I will lift up my banner to the peoples; they will bring your sons in their arms and carry your daughters on their shoulders.

Which, with a little erasing, became this:

...the Sovereign LORD says: "... Beck... will lift up my banner to the people...." Isaiah 49:22

I can't find a way to embed the video here, but here's a link.

Applying Karen Armstrong’s new ancient principle of scriptural interpretation

2011-04-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Here it is in all its glory, as expressed in The Charter For Compassion:

We therefore call upon all men and women ~ to restore compassion to the centre of morality and religion ~ to return to the ancient principle that any interpretation of scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.

Now let's apply Armstrong's new ancient principle to these scriptures.

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known ... thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10
As for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. Quran 22:19-21
He had caused the cursing to come upon them... that ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome ... God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them ... that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22

I can't find a way to apply the new ancient principle of scriptural interpretation to these verses.

So I hereby proclaim an even newer and more ancient principle of scriptural interpretation.

Any scripture that breeds violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.

That way we remove all of the verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain from the Bible, the Quran, and the Book of Mormon.

But I have an even better idea: the newest and most ancient principle of scriptural interpretation.

Any scripture that includes verses that breed violence, hatred or disdain is illegitimate.

That way we can throw the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon in the trash.
(Or burn them. Your choice.)

The Best Book in the Bible (revisited again)

2011-04-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

(Updated to include the recent Genesis - Ecclesiastes SAB revision.)

In my last post I tried to find a way to measure the goodness of the books in the "Good Book", but I wasn't completely satisfied with the results. So here's one more try. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

In the SAB, I identify the Bible's verses that contain good advice about how we should live our lives, whatever our religious views might be. For example, I think it's a good idea to try, at least as much as possible, to treat others kindly. So I include Leviticus 19:18 ("Love thy neighbor as thyself") in the "Good Stuff". Of course, not all the verses that I've marked good are as good as this verse, but I marked them good because they seemed (at least somewhat) good to me.

So take a look at the SAB's good stuff to see if you agree, at least most of the time, that the verses that I've marked good are, in fact, good. If so, then the following analysis should be reasonable for you as well.

I began my analysis by plotting the number of good things in each book of the Bible. (Of the 66 books in the Bible, there were 30 in which I could find nothing good.)

When size is taken into account, Ecclesiastes is the best (36.0 good passages/ 100 verses), with Proverbs second at 20.4. So Ecclesiastes has more good stuff (per 100 verses) than any other book in the Bible.

But what about all the bad stuff in the Bible? Shouldn't we try to find a way to rate the goodness of a book by weighing both the book's good and bad?

The simplest solution, I think, is to count up the good things in each book and subtract the bad. The result is the net good. (I totaled cruelty, injustice, intolerance, bad family values, insults to women and homosexuals to get the number of bad things, since the verses marked with these categories are all morally objectionable.)

When I did that, I found that there are only three good books in the Bible: Ecclesiastes (of course), Proverbs, and James. Three others have a zero net goodness. The other 60 books are all more bad than good.

Other goodness metrics that might be useful are the percentage of marked passages that are good and the net good number of passages per 100 verses. Since there are only three books with a positive net goodness, we can limit our analysis to these three.

Here is a table that summarizes the data.

	Ecclesiastes	Proverbs	James
Good	80	187	13
Bad	1	75	9
Net good	79	112	4
verses	222	915	108
net good/100 verses	35.6	12.2	3.7
Percent good of (good and bad) highlighted verses	98.8	71.4	59.1
good/bad	80	2.5	1.4

So no matter how you look at it, Ecclesiastes is by far the best (and pretty much the only good) book in the the Bible.

The Best Book in the Bible

2011-04-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

(Re-post after revising Genesis - Ecclesiastes. I'll do it again when I get through Revelation.)

What is the best book in the Bible?

Well, that, of course, depends on how you define "best".

One way to try to determine it, though, would be to identify all the passages in the Bible that contain ideas that you consider good, and then compare the number of good passages found in each book of the Bible.

That's easy for me to do, since I have already marked as "good stuff" everything I can honestly call good in the Bible. Here are the Bible's books ranked according to the number of good passages.

So Proverbs, at 187, has the most good stuff.

But Proverbs is a fairly large book, with 31 chapters and 915 verses. How would it look if we adjusted the good stuff rankings to acount for the size of the book?

Here's the list when adjusted for size (number of good passages per 100 verses).

When we adjust for size, then, Ecclesiastes is by far the best book in the Bible (36.0 good passages / 100 verses).

(The overall average for the Bible is 1.5 good passages / 100 verses.)

Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran?

2011-04-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

(Repost with updated numbers and graphs on 2 April 2011.)

The LORD is a man of war. Exodus 15:3

Fight in the way of Allah. Quran 2:244

Which is more violent, the Bible or the Quran? Is there a way to objectively answer such a question?

Well, it wouldn't be easy. But it is possible to compare the amount of cruelty and violence in the two books.

Here is a summary of the highlighted verses in the SAB and SAQ.

	Number of Cruel or Violent Passages
Bible	1214
Quran	527

So the Bible has more than twice as many cruel or violent passages as does the Quran. But the Bible is a much bigger book. How do they compare when size is taken into account?

	Violence and Cruelty	Total verses	Percent
Bible	1214	31173	3.89
Quran	527	6236	8.45

When expressed as a percentage of cruel or violent verses (at least as marked in the SAB/Q), the Quran has more than twice that of the Bible. (8.45 vs. 3.89%)

Of course this analysis does not consider the extent of the cruelty in the marked passages. And that is an important consideration. Is Numbers 31:14-18, for example, more cruel than Quran 5:34? That is something that each person must decide.

A good argument could be made that either book is the most violent and cruel book ever written. The award would go to one or the other, for neither has any close competitors.

It is frightening to think that more than half of the world's population believes in one or the other.

The Quran made them do it.

2011-04-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

Earlier today a mob in Afghanistan attacked a United Nations compound, killing at least 8 workers. Two of the victims were reportedly beheaded.

The crowd was reacting to a Quran burning on March 20th by a US fundamentalist Christian pastor named Terry Jones.

What would make people behave in this way, you wonder?

The book that Terry Jones burned. That's what.

Here is what the Quran says about beheading people.

I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of them each finger. That is because they opposed Allah and His messenger. Whoso opposeth Allah and His messenger, (for him) lo! Allah is severe in punishment.Quran 8:12-13

Now when ye meet in battle those who disbelieve, then it is smiting of the necks ... if Allah willed He could have punished them (without you) but (thus it is ordained) that He may try some of you by means of others. And those who are slain in the way of Allah, He rendereth not their actions vain. Quran 47:4

The mob was just doing what Allah told them to do in the Quran: to strike fear into the hearts of unbelievers by smiting their necks. (The news reports didn't say anything about smiting unbelievers' fingers.)

The whole thing has made me change my mind about Quran burning.

A while back I wrote a post entitled, "Don't burn the Quran. Read it." But a book that tells its followers to strike fear into the hearts of unbelievers by beheading them is a book that no one should read or respect.

Go ahead and burn the damned thing. The world would be much better without it.

The Bible made him do it.

2011-03-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

John Thomas was just doing what the Bible tells everyone to do: kill homosexuals.

From the NBC news report:

Twenty-eight year old John Thomas says nothing as he is taken to the Delaware County prison, but investigators say he told them that he killed long-time friend Maury Seidman by stoning him and blaming the teachings of the Old Testament.
Thomas explained to investigators that he killed Seidman because Seidman had been making homosexual advances toward him over a period of time and that he had read in the Old Testament that homosexuals should be stoned in certain situations.

And he was (mostly) right about that. Here's what the Bible says:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

The Bible says that all homosexuals (or at least all non-abstinent, male homosexuals) must be put to death.

It doesn't say, however, that they should be stoned to death, only that "their blood shall be upon them." So any execution method that is sufficiently bloody would both satisfy God and be biblically correct.

John Thomas put rocks in a sock and bludgeoned Maury Seidman to death.

Again quoting from the news report:

When police arrived, they found Thomas crying in the hallway of the apartment building saying, “I’m not going down there again. There is too much blood.”

So God's requirement for blood was certainly met in the killing.

Thomas only did what God asks every Bible believer to do: kill homosexuals in a sufficiently bloody way. "Their blood shall be upon them."

Here's the NBC video.

View more videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com.

And here is a challenge from Zinnia Jones to all Bible believers.

Someone should read the Book of Revelation to Glenn Beck

2011-03-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I quoted Lawrence O'Donnell, who said this about the book of Revelation:

The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.

To which Glenn Beck responded:

Jeez! No it isn't. It is a book to say, this what it is going to look like. This is what the Antichrist is going to do.
...
Stop! Did he miss the two words: Anti Christ? It's not God doing it!

Which only shows that Glenn Beck has never read the book of Revelation, since it never mentions the Antichrist. (There is a whole zoo of strange beasts in Revelation, but none of them are called antichrist or kill people.)

[The word "antichrist" only occurs four times in the Bible. (1 John 2:18, 2:22, 4:3, and 2 John 1:7) It refers to anyone who denies that Jesus is the Christ and/or has come in the flesh.]

No, Lawrence O'Donnell was entirely correct. The mass-murdering monster in Revelation is God (or Jesus or angels sent by God).

Here are a few quotes from the book that Glenn Beck has never read.

Jesus will kill billions (maybe even trillions) with a sharp sickle.

And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ... And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped ... into the great winepress of the wrath of God. And ... blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20

And billions more with a sword that sticks out of his mouth. Then he'll feed their dead bodies to the animals.

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. ... And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:11-21

God will give power to someone on a red horse that will force people to kill each other.

And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6:4

He will tell Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth."

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8

He will tell his angels to torture "those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads." God carefully instructs the angels not to kill them, but rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them.

And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man. And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. ... And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months. Revelation 9:3-10

Four angels, with an army of 200 million, will kill a third of the earth's population.

Four angels were loosed ... to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone. By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths ... for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt. Revelation 9:15-19

Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death.

And I will give power unto my two witnesses ... These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed. Revelation 11:3-5

God gives the fourth angel the power to burn people to death.

And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. Revelation 16:8

Then he'll burn people to death all by himself.

Fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them. Revelation 20:9

And throw the rest into a lake of fire to be tortured forever.

The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out without mixture into the cup of his indignation; and he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the Lamb: And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever. Revelation 14:10-11

And the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain, And blasphemed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, and repented not of their deeds. Revelation 16:10-11

And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:15

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

And that is how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.

Lawrence O'Donnell: The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.

2011-03-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

On his show last night, Lawrence O'Donnell responded to Glenn Beck's comments on the recent tragic events in Japan.

Glenn Beck:

The book of Revelation was written so you would know what it looks like, you would know -- warning! -- in these days these things will happen.

Lawrence O'Donnell:

The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.

I agree with Lawrence O'Donnell about the book of Revelation. But I'm not so sure about the half-smart religious persons. I suspect there are some half-smart religious persons that believe (or half-believe or half-pretend to half-believe) in the book of Revelation (though most haven't even half-read it).

Kosher and Halal, Shechita and Dhabiha, Cruel and Crueler

2011-03-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

When you kill animals for food, God likes it done in a certain way.

It's one of the many things that the Torah and the Quran agree on. (See here for some others.) And it's an important part of life for Muslims and Jews.

Food that has been prepared according to Muslim dietary laws is called halal, while food consistent with Jewish laws is called kosher. Both have similar requirements when it comes to killing and eating animals.

God's rules for slaughtering animals are so similar, in fact, that some Muslims say that food prepared from animals killed using the Jewish rules (Shechita) is halal, although it seems that most Jews don't consider Dhabiha-killed animals kosher. Whatever. Either method should be sufficiently cruel to satisfy both Yahweh and Allah.

Here are some of the rules that they have in common.

The animal is killed with a sharp, non-serrated blade that cuts through the carotid arteries, jugular veins, esophagus, and trachea.
The spinal chord is not cut to insure that the nervous system is undamaged while the animal bleeds to death.

And here are some special requirements for Dhabiha killings.

Allah's name must be uttered before the slaughter.
The animal's head must be pointing toward Mecca while its throat is cut.

I'm including some videos for you to watch, if you have the stomach for it, that is. (I couldn't make it through either of them.)

Both forms of religious ritualistic killing should be illegal everywhere. And wherever it is legal, no decent person should support it by eating kosher or halal foods.

Improving the Bible: Deuteronomy 21:10-14

2011-03-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

If the Bible is perfect, why is is so easily improved?

Taking the Quran out of context (to justify belief in it)

2011-03-14T13:26:00.000-07:00

My last post was about Keith Ellison's Real Time interview with Bill Maher. In that post, I focused on what Bill Maher said about the Quran (quoting from Sam Harris' book, The End of Faith):

On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers.

I defended Harris' statement by quoting a couple dozen verses and referring to hundreds of others. And I challenged everyone to do the Harris test to see if it's true that "on almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers."

But Keith Ellison's defense of the Quran was even more interesting.

When Maher said that Islamic terrorists were getting their inspiration from the Quran, Rep. Ellison said:

They're not getting it from the Quran.

And used the usual "out of context" defense.

Taking them [verses from the Quran] out of context is a very easy thing to do.

Then he showed the truth of his statement by taking the Quran out of context.

Why don't you read the part where it says that anyone who takes a life, it's as if he'd killed the whole world, and anyone who saves a life it's aas if he'd saved the whole world?

And that is a nice verse, too. Here it is:

We decreed for the Children of Israel that whosoever killeth a human being for other than manslaughter or corruption in the earth, it shall be as if he had killed all mankind, and whoso saveth the life of one, it shall be as if he had saved the life of all mankind. Quran 5:32

But then context goes and ruins everything by having the next verse say this:

The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom; Quran 5:33

So what do these verses say in context? That Allah told the Jews not to kill each other. But now Allah says to that whoever fights against Islam or encourages corruption should be either killed, crucified, have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or be banished from the land.

Doesn't sound quite as nice in context, now does it?

Then Congressman Ellison has another question for Bill Maher.

What about the one where it says let there be no compulsion in religion?

And there is such a verse in the Quran. Here it is.

There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm handhold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower. Quran 2:256

But, once again, context strikes. Here's the next verse.

Allah is the Protecting Guardian of those who believe. He bringeth them out of darkness into light. As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. Quran 2:257

There's no compulsion in religion. It's just that if you believe in the wrong religion, Allah will torture you after you die by burning you forever in hell.

And finally, Congressman Ellison says this:

Like any ideologue, they [the terrorists] will take things out of context to do what they want to do.

But it's not the terrorists who take the Quran out of context. There's plenty of nasty in-context material in the Quran to inspire terrorists.

It's the good, kind people (like Keith Ellison) that have to take the Quran out of context so that they can believe in it. Because the Quran, like all the other hateful holy books, can only be believed if it is taken out of context.

Here's the interview again.

On almost every page . . .

2011-03-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

In Friday's "Real Time" interview with Rep. Keith Ellison (the first Muslim elected to the United States Congress), Bill Maher quoted from Sam Harris' book, The End of Faith, saying

On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers.

To which Rep. Ellison replied

That's absurd, ridiculous, and untrue.

But is it? Let's open a Quran and see.

The Quran isn't a very big book. Its 114 chapters (or surahs) take up only 400 or so pages. And yet there are 534 intolerant passages, including over 200 verses that include these words (or a variant thereof): "And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom."

Here's what Allah says about disbelievers in the Quran.

Allah loveth not the disbelievers. Quran 3:32

Allah (Himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers. Quran 2:98

Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Quran 4:56

But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. Whenever, in their anguish, they would go forth from thence they are driven back therein and (it is said unto them): Taste the doom of burning. Quran 22:19-22

So clearly, Allah despises disbelievers.

But what about Muslims? How does the Quran instruct Muslims to view disbelievers?

As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. Theirs will be an awful doom. Quran 2:6-7

Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. Quran 2:161

Slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. And fight not with them at the Inviolable Place of Worship until they first attack you there, but if they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. Quran 2:191

Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. Quran 3:28

Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil. Quran 4:76

They long that ye should disbelieve even as they disbelieve, that ye may be upon a level (with them). So choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend nor helper from among them. Quran 4:89

In truth the disbelievers are an open enemy to you. Quran 4:101

O ye who believe! Choose not disbelievers for (your) friends in place of believers. Would ye give Allah a clear warrant against you? Quran 4:144

The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger and strive after corruption in the land will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom. Quran 5:33

O ye who believe! Take not the Jews and the Christians for friends. They are friends one to another. He among you who taketh them for friends is (one) of them. Quran 5:51

O ye who believe! Choose not your fathers nor your brethren for friends if they take pleasure in disbelief rather than faith. Whoso of you taketh them for friends, such are wrong-doers. Quran 9:23

Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey's end. Quran 9:73

O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and let them find harshness in you, and know that Allah is with those who keep their duty (unto Him). Quran 9:123

Never be a helper to the disbelievers. Quran 28:86

Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves. Quran 48:29

Thou wilt not find folk who believe in Allah and the Last Day loving those who oppose Allah and His messenger, even though they be their fathers or their sons or their brethren Quran 58:22

O ye who believe! Choose not My enemy and your enemy for allies. Do ye give them friendship when they disbelieve. Quran 60:1

O ye who believe! Be not friendly with a folk with whom Allah is wroth, (a folk) who have despaired of the Hereafter as the disbelievers despair of those who are in the graves.Quran 60:13

Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end. Quran 66:9

So Sam Harris had it about right. On almost every page, the Quran instructs observant Muslims to despise nonbelievers. It's not absurd, ridiculous, or untrue. (Open a Quran and see for yourself.)

Here's the Real Time interview.

God's message to the tsunami victims

2011-03-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you. Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me. Proverbs 1:26-28

It's time for us all to send a message to God.
(I guess he didn't get the last one.)

2 Nephi 6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

2011-03-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

Last time we learned what the LDS church really thinks about Native Americans: they are idle, mischievous, dark-skinned savages. They got that way because their ancestor Laman disobeyed Nephi, so God caused "a skin of blackness to come upon them" to make them "loathsome unto" the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.

Now we find out what Mormons think about everyone else.

The chapter begins with Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) giving a speech about "exceedingly many things."

Behold, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, having been called of God, and ordained after the manner of his holy order, and having been consecrated by my brother Nephi ... behold ye know that I have spoken unto you exceedingly many things. Nevertheless, I speak unto you again ... Yea ... I have spoken unto you concerning all things which are written, from the creation of the world. 2 Nephi 6:2-3

Before long, though, Jacob gets bored with his own words, so he begins reading from the book of Isaiah.

Behold ... I will read you the words of Isaiah ... the words which I shall read are they which Isaiah spake concerning all the house of Israel; wherefore, they may be likened unto you, for ye are of the house of Israel. And there are many things which have been spoken by Isaiah which may be likened unto you, because ye are of the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:4-5

The section he reads from (Isaiah 49:22-26) begins by saying that "the Gentiles" will will "be thy nursing fathers."

Thus saith the Lord God: Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, ... and they shall bring thy sons in their arms, and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders. And kings shall be thy nursing fathers, and their queens thy nursing mothers; they shall bow down to thee with their faces towards the earth, and lick up the dust of thy feet. 2 Nephi 6:6-7 (Isaiah 49:22-23)

Now "Gentiles" has a special meaning to Mormons. It doesn't mean non-Jews; it means non-Mormon, non-Catholic Christians (WASPs).

White Anglo-Saxon Protestants will nurture and protect Mormons until the good WASPs become Mormons themselves.

Next Jacob tells us somewhat about something he heard from God and an angel: in another 600 years or so, the Jews will crucify Jesus.

And now I, Jacob, would speak somewhat concerning these words. For behold, the Lord has shown me ... that ... they [the Jews] should scourge him [Jesus] and crucify him, according to the words of the angel who spake it unto me. 2 Nephi 6:8-9

Then after the hard-hearted and stiff-necked Jews kill Jesus, God will punish them by having everyone smite and afflict them.

And after they have hardened their hearts and stiffened their necks against the Holy One of Israel, behold the judgments of the Holy One of Israel shall come upon them. And the day cometh that they shall be smitten and afflicted.2 Nephi 6:10

The Jews will be afflicted, scattered, smitten, and hated by pretty much everyone until they too (those that survive, anyway) become Christians.

Wherefore, after they are driven to and fro, for thus saith the angel, many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful; they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated; nevertheless, the Lord will be merciful unto them, that when they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer, they shall be gathered together again to the lands of their inheritance.2 Nephi 6:11

But blessed are the WASPs, for if they become Mormons and stay the hell away from the Catholic church, they will be saved.

Blessed are the Gentiles ... for behold, if it so be that they shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved.2 Nephi 6:12

Whoever opposes Zion (the Mormon church), though, will be licking dust off shameless Mormon feet.

They that fight against Zion ... shall lick up the dust of their feet; and the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed. 2 Nephi 6:13

Then, after they're done licking, they will die horrible deaths. God will burn them to death, kill them with storms, earthquakes, wars, disease, and starvation. That will teach them that God is a Mormon.

And they that believe not in him shall be destroyed, both by fire, and by tempest, and by earthquakes, and by bloodsheds, and by pestilence, and by famine. And they shall know that the Lord is God, the Holy One of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:15

But before they die, God will give them a special treat. He will force them to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

And I will feed them that oppress thee, with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine; and all flesh shall know that I the Lord ... the Mighty One of Jacob. 2 Nephi 6:18

And then he'll torture them forever in hell.

Blogging the Book of Mormon: Next Episode: 2 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day

Michael Moore: America is not broke

2011-03-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today just 400 Americans have more wealth than half of all Americans combined.