Showing posts with label Revelation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Revelation. Show all posts

26 February 2013

Jesus H. Christ: Does anyone know his name?

The answer to that question is "No", according to the Bible anyway. 
His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. Revelation 19:12
So although we know what Jesus looks like (he has flaming red eyes and wears many crowns on this head -- you'll know him when you see him), we don't know his name. No one does.

Except for those that do, that is.

Like his foster father, Joseph, who named him Jesus. (An angel told him what to name him in a dream.)
The angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS. Matthew 1:21
And Matthew (misinterpreting Isaiah), who said he'd be named Emmanuel.
A virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel. Matthew 1:23 
Remember how the book of Revelation said that nobody knows Jesus' name? Well, I guess the author didn't include himself. Here are some of his favorite names for Jesus.
I am Alpha and Omega. Revelation 1:8
Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof. Revelation 5:5
I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11
He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. Revelation 9:13
He hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16 (What does Jesus have written on his testicles?)
I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star. Revelation 22:16 (How are Jesus and Satan alike?)
So Jesus, contrary to Revelation 19:12, has lots of names. And I have another contradiction to add to the SAB. (Here it is.)

(ht Stephen Weeks)

30 October 2012

Biblical Halloween Costumes: It's time to take it back from the pagans!

Here are some costume ideas from the Bible. (Re-post for Halloween.)
  1. God's Clever Talking Serpent
    Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said ....Genesis 3:1-5


  2. Lot and his daughters
    Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him ... Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-38
    This is pretty simple. And old guy, two young women, and a jug of wine (Clothing optional).


  3. An abominable, four-legged, flying creeping thing.
    But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:23


  4. Fiery Serpent
    And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6


  5. Talking Donkey
    And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam .... Numbers 22:28-30


  6. An Evil Spirit from the Lord. (Judges 9:23; 1 Samuel 16:14-16, 16:23, 18:10, 19:9)
    The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. 18:10
    All evil spirits come from God, but I don't know what they look like. Maybe something like this.


  7. Jael
    And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. ... And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. ... Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground. Judges 4:18-21
    Costume: Woman with hammer, tent stake, blanket, and cup of milk.


  8. Samson with the jawbone of an ass
    (Just try to keep the spirit of the Lord from coming upon you!)
    The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon Samson and he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith. Judges 15:14-15


  9. Jesus

    Forget all the stuff you've seen on TV. Jesus doesn't look like that anymore. To see what he looks like now you need to go to the Book of Revelation.
    ...the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, ... And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16
    Costume: Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth.

    And here's what he will look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world.
    Behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations. Revelation 19:11-15
    Costume: a bunch of crowns on your head, sword sticking out of your mouth, clothing dipped in blood

    There is one other possible Jesus costume, but it may be illegal in some places. You see Jesus had a special tattoo on his thigh (which is a biblical euphemism for testicles): "King of Kings" one on side and "Lord of Lord" on the other.
    And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:15
    Costume: Tattooed thigh or scrotum


  10. Anything from the Book of Revelation
    (Just pick a verse pretty much anywhere, but the Whore of Babylon is always fun!)

11 July 2012

Woe is everyone!

My last post showed that God is woe. But he's got plenty of woe company.

Here's a list of woe people in the Bible.
  1. Early rising, all-day drinkers

    Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!  Isaiah 5:11

  2. Drinkers, drunkards, and bartenders

    Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and ... mingle strong drink. Isaiah 5:22

    Woe to ... the drunkards ... that are overcome with wine! Isaiah 28:1

    Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken. Habakkuk 2:15

  3. People with unclean lips

    Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. Isaiah 6:5

  4. People that make a noise like the sea

    Woe to the multitude ... which make a noise like the noise of the seas. Isaiah 17:12

  5. Spoiled people

    Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13

  6. Foolish, free-spirited prophets

    Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing! Ezekiel 13:3

  7. Women that sew pillows

    Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:18-20

  8. Bloody cities

    Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it!   Ezekiel 24:6

    Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city I will even make the pile for fire great. Ezekiel 24:9

    Woe to the bloody city! Nahum 3:1

  9. People that desire the day of the Lord

    Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. Amos 5:18

  10. People that are at ease

    Woe to them that are at ease. Amos 6:1

  11. People who wake up wood or dumb stones

    Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise. Habakkuk 2:19

  12. The inhabitants of the sea coast

    Woe unto the inhabitants of the sea coast ... I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant. Zephaniah 2:5

  13. Filthy and polluted women

    Woe to her that is filthy and polluted. Zephaniah 3:1
  14. Idle shepherds

    Woe to the idle shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened.  Zechariah 11:17

  15. Pregnant women and nursing mothers

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19, Mark 13:17, Luke 21:23

  16. Rich people

    Woe unto you that are rich! Luke 6:24

  17. The well-fed

    Woe unto you that are full! Luke 6:25a
  18. Those that laugh now

    Woe to you that laugh now. Luke 6:25b

  19. Those with good reputations

    Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! Luke 6:26

  20. Lawyers

    Woe unto you also, ye lawyers!  Luke 11:46

  21. Everyone on earth

    Woe unto the world because of offences! Matthew 18:7

    Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth!   Revelation 8:13

    Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you.  Revelation 12:12

    05 July 2012

    Three more ways that Muhammad is better than Jesus

    In a previous post, I discussed the important question: who had the most powerful spit, Jesus or Muhammad?

    But what about the other characteristics of Jesus and Mo?

    Well, here are three more ways that the founders of the two largest religions can be compared. (Information about Muhammad is from the Ash-Shifa.)

    1. Mo had pure women ancestors all the way back to Eve. 

      From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13

      A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13

      Jesus didn't. (His 47th or so great grandfather was the son of a prostitute.)

      It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. ... When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he said ... let me come in unto thee ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And  twins were in her womb. ... Pharez and Zarah. Genesis 38.13-28

      Jesus ... being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli ... [46 or so generations] ... which was the son of Phares. Luke 3.33

      Judas and Tamar (the mother of Pharez)

    2. Mo was born already circumcised. 

      When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut. … He was clean when he was born. p.46

      Jesus wasn't. 

      When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS.  Luke 2:21

      The circumcision of Jesus

    3. Mo was endowed with the sexual power of forty men and had sex with all of his wives every night. 

      There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56

      In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56

      Jesus never married (although he plans to get married someday) and had sex with no one. 

       The marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7

      And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife. Revelation 21:9

      Jesus' bride making herself ready

    27 March 2012

    John Hagee explains how and why the world will end in 2012

    John Hagee explains it all in less that 20 minutes. (See video below.)

    The sermon begins with the rhetorical question:
    Could 2012 be the end of the world as we know it?
    The rest of the sermon provides Hagee's answer.

    But before getting in to that, Pastor Hagee tells us what "God's point of view" is with respect to homosexuals. (God wants us to kill them.)
    The word homosexual does not appear in the Bible, but the concept is clearly expressed by Moses in Leviticus 20:13, it says, "If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed abomination. They shall surely be put to death." That's God's point of view.
    And that he's "thrilled out of his ever-loving mind" that he'll soon be raptured before the Antichrist shows up.
    I gladly tell you that I am a born again, Bible-believing Christian and I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I am thrilled out of my ever-loving mind that when the trumpet of God sounds, I'm out of here before the Antichrist shows up with hell incorporated.
    With that out of the way, he begins to fly through the book of Revelation, telling us about the monstrous ecological things that God will do to our planet in the coming months.
    I'm going to fly through the chapters of the book of Revelation like a speeding bullet. In the Book of Revelation there are seven seals, seven trumpets, and seven vials. Twenty-one monstrous ecological things that happen to literally devastate the planet Earth.
    God will start things off by burning up 1/3 of the Earth's vegetation. (Hagee believes in global warming, but it's not human-caused, it's God-caused.)
    One-third of the vegetation of the Earth is burned up (Revelation 8:7).
    Then hordes of horse-sized locusts will sting people, torturing them for five months, and making them wish they were dead. (But the God of love won't let them die.)
    The gates of hell are opened and hordes of locusts, the Bible says, the size of a horse will come up out of the bottomless pit and sting men like a scorpion. (Rev 9:2-6) The pain will last for five months. And men will beg God to let them die. But they cannot find death, the Bible says that.
    After that, there'll be a bloody war, where, according to my calculation, about 24 trillion people will be killed.
    A world war so bloody that the blood of those killed in battle will flow for 200 miles to the bridles of a horse. (Rev 14:20)
    God will cover any survivors with boils from head to toe.
    Every person on earth who has taken the mark of the beast in his right hand or forehead will be covered from head to feet with running boils. (Rev 16:2)
    Then he'll turn the sea into blood.
    The seven seas of the earth will turn to blood. (Rev 16:3-4)
    And send an world-wide earthquake that will level mountains and sink islands.
    Now you have the Bible describe a world-wide earthquake so monstrous that the mountains of the world are leveled, and that the islands of the sea disappear. (Rev 16:18-20)
    Next God will burn the earth with fire, causing us all to run to the mountains, where we'll chew on our tongues while asking the mountains to fall on us.
    The sun will scorch the Earth with fire, and mighty men, the Bible says, and kings and men of war will gnaw their tongues in pain and they will crawl into the mountains, and the book of Revelation says they will cry to the mountains, "Fall on us and kill us, to hide us from the wrath of the lamb that's on the throne." (Rev 16:8-11)
    Then God will release four angels to kill 1/3 of the human population in a one day. The exact hour for this holy massacre is specified somewhere in Genesis 1, but only God and John Hagee know it.
    I ask you, read Revelation 9:15, it's the sixth trumpet. There are four angels released by God himself to destroy one-third of mankind in one day. The Bible says there is a year, a month, a day, and an hour that God picked out from Genesis 1. One-third of mankind on that day, by the will and hand of God, will be destroyed.
    That's right. God is going to kill 2.3 billion people in a single day later this year. And if you have a hard time believing that, read Genesis 7:4-23.
    You say, I have a hard time believing that. May I refer you to Noah's Flood? Believe it.
    Among the dead will be 100 million Americans, one for each aborted fetus, by God and John Hagee's calculation.
    In America we have something over 300 million people. That means 100 million people in 24 hours, gone. I believe that God will require a life for every child killed in abortion clinics in America. I believe that's where the tally is going to be set.
    So that's ho the world will end. Here's why it will be in 2012.

    There are three independent pieces of evidence that when taken together are absolutely convincing.

    1. Satellite TV
    So why is it coming now? ... I listened to my father and grandfather sit and discuss the fact that the whole world would see the two witnesses killed on the streets of Jerusalem in one hour. (Revelation 11:3-12) They thought there was something in the text that was absolutely false because it was not believable. There was no television at that point in time. Television was born, but we still didn't get it. Then satellite television came in and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding -- we got it. This is how Elijah and Enoch are going to be seen in the city of Jerusalem, when the Antichrist is going to be permitted to kill them. They're going to line in the streets of Jerusalem and the world is going to see them at one time over internet television. The world is going to be so happy that there dead. Remember there's nothing on earth at this time but devil-worshiping, Antichrist-following people. They hate these two men of God. The world is going to be so thrilled their dead, thy're going to give gifts to each other like it's Christmas when they die. But three and a half days later they're going to stand to their feet ... and be lifted from the ground, back into the presence of God. And the whole world will watch them --- woooooweee! ... That couldn't happen before satellite television.
    2. Nuclear warfare
    And there was another section of verses that my parents couldn't understand, where God said that this is a plague that I will send to those that fight against Israel. That I will cause the flesh to fall from their bones before their body can hit the ground, and their eyes shall  melt in their sockets and their tongue in their mouth. (Zechariah 14:12) There was no way we could understand that. And then came atomic warfare and nuclear warfare.
    3. Israel
    And then there's the birth of Israel. ... Every major prophecy in the Old Testament said there would be a day that God would bring Israel back home. ... That happened May the 15, 1948.
    There are about twelve other reasons that Pastor Hagee didn't have time to tell us about. But these three are the most convincing and they are sufficient.

    It's not rocket science, people. It's all in the Bible.
    There are about twelve of those prophetic signs I don't have time to give you, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist or a theologian to understand what I've just said. That's all in the Bible.

    02 August 2011

    Jesus Christ: The Former Mighty Warrior of the United States Air Force

    The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.

    Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.

    And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).

    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

    His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

    And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

    And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

    And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

    And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

    And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.

    Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.

    He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.

    Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!

    19 March 2011

    Someone should read the Book of Revelation to Glenn Beck

    In my last post, I quoted Lawrence O'Donnell, who said this about the book of Revelation:

    The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.

    To which Glenn Beck responded:

    Jeez! No it isn't. It is a book to say, this what it is going to look like. This is what the Antichrist is going to do.
    ...
    Stop! Did he miss the two words: Anti Christ? It's not God doing it!

    Which only shows that Glenn Beck has never read the book of Revelation, since it never mentions the Antichrist. (There is a whole zoo of strange beasts in Revelation, but none of them are called antichrist or kill people.)

    [The word "antichrist" only occurs four times in the Bible. (1 John 2:18, 2:22, 4:3, and 2 John 1:7) It refers to anyone who denies that Jesus is the Christ and/or has come in the flesh.]

    No, Lawrence O'Donnell was entirely correct. The mass-murdering monster in Revelation is God (or Jesus or angels sent by God).

    Here are a few quotes from the book that Glenn Beck has never read.

    Jesus will kill billions (maybe even trillions) with a sharp sickle.

    And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ... And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped ... into the great winepress of the wrath of God. And ... blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20

    And billions more with a sword that sticks out of his mouth. Then he'll feed their dead bodies to the animals.

    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. ... And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:11-21

    God will give power to someone on a red horse that will force people to kill each other.

    And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6:4

    He will tell Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth."

    And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8

    He will tell his angels to torture "those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads." God carefully instructs the angels not to kill them, but rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them.

    And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man. And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them. ... And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months. Revelation 9:3-10

    Four angels, with an army of 200 million, will kill a third of the earth's population.

    Four angels were loosed ... to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone. By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths ... for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt. Revelation 9:15-19

    Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death.

    And I will give power unto my two witnesses ... These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed. Revelation 11:3-5

    God gives the fourth angel the power to burn people to death.

    And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. Revelation 16:8

    Then he'll burn people to death all by himself.

    Fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them. Revelation 20:9

    And throw the rest into a lake of fire to be tortured forever.

    The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out without mixture into the cup of his indignation; and he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels, and in the presence of the Lamb: And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever. Revelation 14:10-11
    And the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast; and his kingdom was full of darkness; and they gnawed their tongues for pain, And blasphemed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, and repented not of their deeds. Revelation 16:10-11
    And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:15
    But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

    And that is how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.

    Lawrence O'Donnell: The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world.

    On his show last night, Lawrence O'Donnell responded to Glenn Beck's comments on the recent tragic events in Japan.

    Glenn Beck:

    The book of Revelation was written so you would know what it looks like, you would know -- warning! -- in these days these things will happen.

    Lawrence O'Donnell:

    The book of Revelation is a work of fiction describing how a truly vicious god would bring about the end of the world. No half-smart religious person actually believes the book of Revelation. They are certain that their god would never turn into a malicious torturer and mass murderer beyond Hitler's wildest dreams.

    I agree with Lawrence O'Donnell about the book of Revelation. But I'm not so sure about the half-smart religious persons. I suspect there are some half-smart religious persons that believe (or half-believe or half-pretend to half-believe) in the book of Revelation (though most haven't even half-read it).

    06 January 2011

    The Fowls of Heaven: Is God trying to tell us something by killing red-winged blackbirds?

    Who teacheth us more than the beasts of the earth, and maketh us wiser than the fowls of heaven? Job 35:11

    You’ve probably heard about the thousands of red-winged blackbirds that fell from the sky on New Year’s Eve in Beebe, Arkansas. Well, that’s got Christians thinking. So I thought I’d help them out with that.

    Is God trying to send a message by killing thousands of red-winged blackbirds?

    It’s hard to say, but he’s done stuff like that before.

    During the Exodus, for example, to punish the people for complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent a great wind that caused several trillion quail to fall from the sky. He forced the people to eat quail until it came out their noses. Literally.

    Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. … And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:19-31

    So maybe God was just punishing the people of Beebe for complaining about their food. If so, then the Christians of Beebe should eat every last bird that fell from the sky. Eat them until it comes out their noses, or else God might get angry and send a “very great plague.” That’s what he did to the Israelites.

    And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33

    I just hope it's not too late. Because if people don't eat the dead birds, birds will be eating dead people in the last supper of the great God.

    Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:17-21

    04 January 2011

    What does God look like (according to the Bible)?

    I've already told you what Jesus looks like. Long white robe, golden girdle, white face and hair, red eyes, brass feet, seven stars in hand, sword sticking out of mouth. He's hard to miss.

    And here's what he'll look like when he gets into his planned mass killings at the end of the world, which I guess is scheduled for May 21, 2011.

    Oh yeah, there's one more thing we know about Jesus: he's got a tattoo on either his thigh or scrotum. We'll have to wait until May 21st to find out which it is.

    But what about Jesus' dad? You know, God the Father. Has anyone ever seen him?

    Well, it depends on whom you ask. Here are some verses from the Bible that claim that no one has seen God and that God can't be seen.

    There shall no man see me, and live. Exodus 33:20
    No man hath seen God at any time. John 1:18
    Not that any man hath seen the Father. John 6:46:
    Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. 1 Timothy 1:17
    Whom no man hath seen nor can see. 1 Timothy 6:16
    No man hath seen God at any time. 1 John 4:12

    And yet there are quite a few reported sightings of God in the Bible.

    Moses was one of the first to see God. But he only got a glimpse of his "back parts."

    The LORD said unto Moses ... I will make all my goodness pass before thee ... Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live ... Thou shalt stand upon a rock: And ... while my glory passeth by ... I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts. Exodus 33:17-23

    Amos saw the Full Monty, though, with God standing on a wall holding a plumb line in his hand.

    The LORD stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand. Amos 7:7
    And then a little later he saw him again standing on the altar.
    I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said.... Amos 9:1

    Ezekiel got a good look at God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and it looked to him like they were on fire. (Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire!)

    And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
    Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward. Ezekiel 8:2

    From Habakkuk, we know that God has horns coming out of his hand, with disease in front of him and burning coals at his feet. (Feet, like thighs in the Bible are often euphemisms for genitals. So maybe Ezekiel was right about God's burning loins!)

    God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet. Habakkuk 3:3-5

    And finally, Zechariah and Revelation tell us about God's eyes. He has seven of them, to go along with his seven spirits and seven horns on his head. (The seven-eyed, seven-horned dead lamb in Revelation is probably Jesus, though. It's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. As Jesus said, "He that has seen me, has seen the father.")

    Those seven; they are the eyes of the LORD, which run to and fro through the whole earth. Zechariah 4:10
    And I beheld ... a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth. Revelation 5:6

    To sum up then, here's what we know about God: He has seven eyes, coals at his feet, loins on fire, and horns coming out of his hand. (Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He's also a redhead.)

    You'll know him when you see him.

    20 June 2010

    Sarah Palin: Gulf disaster needs divine intervention

    Sarah Palin told her twitter pals that it's time to ask God to take over the clean-up efforts in the Gulf.

    Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle -- SarahPalinUSA

    Yeah, that's a good idea, Sarah. Let's ask the (imaginary) guy who plans to turn 1/3 of the sea into blood and kill 1/3 of all sea life.

    And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 8:8-9

    And then turn the entire ocean into blood, killing everything that lives in it.

    And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 16:3

    And finally, destroy the whole shebang.

    And I saw a new heaven and a new earth ... and there was no more sea. Revelation 21:1

    Now that's someone we can depend on!

    Unfortunately, the lawmakers of Louisiana agree.

    18 June 2010

    Did God tell Julia Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby?

    He's done it before, you know. Twice. (Tell someone to eat a book, that is.)

    He told Ezekiel to do that.

    But thou, son of man, hear what I say unto thee ... open thy mouth, and eat that I give thee. And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein ... Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll ... So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. Ezekiel 2:8-3:3

    And the author of Revelation.

    And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. Revelation 10:9-10

    Did God tell Ms. Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby? Or did she get the idea from reading these stories in the Bible. Or did she think of it on her own.

    Whichever it might have been, the Bible is a good book to keep away from crazy people. (Or from sane people; it can make them crazy, too.)

    06 June 2010

    Christian Groups: BP is an angel of God

    In my last post, I included an Onion news story entitled, "Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming." It was, of course, a parody. But it was also based on fact.

    Christian teabaggers are trying to force schools to stop teaching about global warming. The earth may be warming, they say, but if so, it's not caused by people; it's caused by God. God is going to burn all non-believers to death (and then burn them forever in hell) and the believers are looking forward to it.

    Now believers are saying that the Gulf oil spill is a fulfillment of Revelation 8:8-9 and 16.3.

    Here's Revelation 8:8-9.

    The second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died.

    But if that's true, what happened to the first angel? Where was the hail and fire mingled with blood? When were a third of the trees and all of the grass burned? Did God forget to send his first angel?

    The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. Revelation 8:7

    And here's Revelation 16:3.

    The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

    Which, of course, makes BP an angel of God.

    But if so, what about the first angel? God was supposed to send some kind of nasty sores on everybody who had the mark of the beast. I'm pretty sure that if anyone had that mark, I'd have one. Where is my mark and "noisome and grievous sores?"

    The first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. Revelation 16:2

    No, until God's first evil angel gives me some hemorrhoids in my secret parts or something, the ocean is safe from God's nasty plans (though obviously not from BP's).

    The believers are wrong about the oil spill.

    Not even BP is evil enough to be an angel of God.

    (Unless BL1Y is right and God is punishing us for ignoring his prohibition against eating shellfish.)

    02 June 2010

    Global Warming: It's all a part of God's plan

    There aren't many things that God enjoys more than burning people to death.

    He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.

    So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO2; it's God.

    And he's just getting started.

    Here's what God has planned for the earth.

    Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8
    The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6
    The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12
    For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10
    Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48
    The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3
    For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1
    The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
    And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9

    And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.

    Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14

    So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.

    Don't let science rob God of his glory!

    24 May 2010

    Drunk With Blood: It's one of God's favorite expressions

    I titled my list of God's killings "Drunk with Blood" for a reason. I think the phrase describes the God of the Bible perfectly.

    It's also one of God's favorite expressions. The phrase "drunk with blood" (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible.

    1. God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.
      I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42

      Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.

      Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. 2,476,633 if you don't try to estimate the number, 24,644,205 if you do.

    2. The next use of "drunk with blood" is similar. God’s sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.
      This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10

      But God’s sword is not just drunk with blood, it's also filled and bathed with blood in heaven. (Who knew God would have a bloody sword in heaven?)

      My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5
      The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6

      And he's dying to use it on pretty much everyone on earth.

      By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16
      The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12
      I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3
      My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4
      I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8
      I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10
      Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10
      I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16
      Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4

      God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.) He’ll break your bones and pierce your body with arrows.

      God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8
      I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23

      God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.

      God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13

      Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)

      I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3

    3. But God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
      I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26

      I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.

      Forcing people to eat themselves.

      And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20

      Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other.

      Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29
      Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53
      The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57
      I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9 The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10
      The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10
      Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9

      So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.

      Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.

      Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10
      Every man's sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21

    4. After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.
      Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

      God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples.

      Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26
      The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33
      Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9
      Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4
      Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7
      Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20
      I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5
      I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4
      I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4
      Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6
      Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21

      Someday believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they’re even going to get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.

      The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10
      God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23
      The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24

      And believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.

      Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54

    5. And finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.
      I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6

    21 May 2010

    How many more will God kill?

    (Revised to include new totals and more extensive analysis.)

    In a previous post, I tried to count the number of people killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, if God's many unnumbered killings, such as Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc., are excluded; and 24,644,205, if estimates are used.

    But what about God's future plans? Does the Bible tell us anything about that?

    Well, yes it does. But it’s hard to take any of it seriously, especially if you’re a believer.

    Take the great winepress of the wrath of God, for example. You know, the one featured in the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

    Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
    He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
    He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
    His truth is marching on.

    The story is told in the 14th chapter of the book of Revelation, which begins with Jesus (or “someone like unto the Son of man”) sitting on a white cloud with a gold crown on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand.

    I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:14

    Then an angel stops by to tell Jesus that it’s time to start swinging his sickle.

    Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. Revelation 14:15

    So Jesus thrusts his sickle on the earth, while still sitting on his cloud.

    He that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. Revelation 14:16

    Another angel came out of the temple in heaven and joined Jesus on his cloud. He also has his sharp sickle with him, and together they begin to reap the harvest on earth.

    Another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:17

    They swing their sickles and pour the resulting blood into a huge winepress. There is so much blood that it flows out of the winepress and covers the ground up to the horses’ bridles in a space of 1600 furlongs.

    The winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:20

    And from that we can estimate how many people will be killed by Jesus and his angel sidekick.

    It’s a simple calculation. A furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 1014 liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 1013 (24 trillion) people.

    Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people to kill? His winepress requires nearly 4,000 times the number of people on earth.

    Does this mean that Armageddon won’t occur until the human population reaches 24 trillion? Perhaps.

    Or maybe God will just create more people when the time comes just to kill them.

    Or it could just be hyperbole. God doesn’t really plan on killing trillions of people; he’s just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.

    I’ll leave it for the believers to figure out.

    But there are many other verses that say similar (batshit crazy) things in the Bible, and they’re not all in Revelation either.

    God will kill so many people that the land will be soaked, the rivers flooded, and the mountains melted in blood. The ground will be covered with dead bodies, which will stink to high heaven. The whole earth will be destroyed. So I guess that means that everybody on earth will be killed by God.

    Here are the verses.

    Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3
    The unicorns shall come down with them … and their land shall be soaked with blood. Isaiah 34:7
    The slain of the LORD shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground. Jeremiah 25:33
    I will also water with thy blood the land … even to the mountains; and the rivers shall be full of thee. Ezekiel 32:6
    I will fill his mountains with his slain men: in thy hills, and in thy valleys, and in all thy rivers, shall they fall that are slain with the sword. Ezekiel 35:8
    Saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place. Amos 8:3
    I will slay the last of them with the sword. Amos 9.1
    I command the sword, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil, and not for good. Amos 9.4
    There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses. Nahum 3:3
    I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. Zephaniah 1:2
    I will bring distress upon men … their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17
    The earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3.8 I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23
    The third part of the sea became blood. Revelation 8:8
    They … shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. Revelation 11:8

    Still, I suspect that in many of these verses God is exaggerating. Sure, he’s planning to kill lots of people, but not everyone. The land won’t be entirely covered with dead bodies and the mountaintops won’t drown in blood. So I’m not going to estimate the number that God plans to kill from these verses. I’ll wait until God sobers up a bit to do my counting.

    So we’re back where we started. How many does God plan to kill in the “end times” that believers hope and pray will come soon?

    Well, the Bible tells us how many will be saved, which implies, I guess, that everyone else will be killed.

    I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel. Revelation 7:4
    …the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. Revelation 14.3-4

    So if the “end times” happened today, only 144,000 Jewish male virgins would survive. The rest of the 6.8 billion would be killed by God (and then be tormented forever in hell).

    Most believers don’t believe this of course. (The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a notable exception.) They say the 144,000 Jewish male virgins is symbolic or something. They just don’t know what it's symbolic of.

    Are you ready to give up yet? I’m not.

    There’s one other way to get an estimate, but I must warn you. It, too, is from Revelation.

    Here are the verses.

    I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8

    And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths. Revelation 9.15-18

    OK, let's count them up. 1/4 will be killed by Death and Hell (per Rev 6:8). That leaves 3/4 alive, 1/3 of which will be burned to death by the 200 million fire and brimstone breathing horsemen of Rev 9.15-18. Since 1/3 of 3/4 is 1/4, half the human population will be killed in these two slaughters.

    Assuming that the rapture (or whatever) is soon (and it's always coming soon), and that the earth's population will be about what it is today, 6.8 billion, then God will soon kill 3,400,000,000.

    So what is our final answer?

    Well, we have a lower and upper bound. God will kill at least 3.4 billion and perhaps as many as 24 trillion (if he’s going to get his bloody winepress filled).

    So let's call it 3.4 billion.

    Oh, and what about Satan?

    He has no plans for killing any more people (at least there are none recorded in the Bible or that he has told me about).

    God 3,400,000,000
    Satan 0

    12 May 2010

    What do God, his victims, the animals that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon all have in common?

    They were, are, or will forever be drunk with blood.

    The phrase “drunk with blood” (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible. Let's take a look at them.

    First of all, God used it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

    I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:42

    His sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

    This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

    And God will force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

    I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

    Then God will feed his victims’ bodies to the birds and beasts until they too become drunk with blood.

    Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you … that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

    And finally, the Great Whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

    And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.5-6

    So in the end, pretty much everyone will be drunk with blood: God, the people that he kills, the birds and beasts that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon. It will be just one big, bloody, drunken party. I bet you can’t wait to be there!

    30 September 2009

    Happy Blasphemy Day!

    It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.

    But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.

    1. Blasphemers must be stoned to death.
      And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16

    2. If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.
      Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18
    3. If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
      (Fucking Holy Ghost!)
      All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32
      But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29
      And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10

    4. If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
      (Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)
      Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20
    5. A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.
      Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1
    6. To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.
      Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
    7. And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.
      I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

    8. Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.
      I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3

      Here's what it will look like.

    But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!

    06 June 2009

    What does Jesus have written on his testicles?

    OK, I'm not sure about this. Jesus might not have anything written on his testicles.
    But he does have something written on his thigh, at least if you believe the Book of Revelation.
    And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16
    Here's what it looks like.

    But since "thigh" is a biblical euphemism for testicle, it may be that Jesus has "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" tattooed on his testicles (or more likely, his scrotum).

    Wouldn't that be cool?

    I'll bet he has "King of Kings" on one side, and "Lord of Lords" on the other.

    He's the type.

    And it would go well with the rest of his outfit.
    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns ... And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron. Revelation 19:11-13, 15