A Muslim / Mormon Good Friday to you!

We all know what Christians believe about Jesus' death. It's impossible to live in the western world without hearing the crucifixion stories, especially around this time of year.

But what about Muslims and Mormons? Do they have any cool Good Friday stories?

You betcha!

Muslims just deny the whole thing. Jesus (peanut butter and jelly be upon him) was a prophet and Allah would never allow one of his prophets to die by crucifixion. (Allah saves that for his enemies.)

No, according to the Quran, Jesus didn't die by crucifixion.

Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about crucifying Jesus (we've all heard them do that!), but they didn't really. It just looked that way to them.

And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a

Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in do the crucifixion for him. (Some Muslims say it was Judas.)

And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8

And what about the Mormons? What do they believe about it?

Well, they've taken a crazy story and made it even crazier.

Remember how in the Bible story it got dark for three hours just before Jesus died? Well, in the Book of Mormon the darkness lasts for three days!

For three days there was absolutely no light -- not from the sun, moon, or stars, or from candles, campfires, or fireflies. And this was in North America!

It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land ... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled with their fine and exceedingly dry wood, so that there could not be any light at all; And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars, for so great were the mists of darkness which were upon the face of the land ... It came to pass that it did last for the space of three days that there was no light seen. 3 Nephi 8:20-23

Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.

The Bible stories say that there was an earthquake when Jesus died. Well, the Book of Mormon tops that one, too. Not only was there an earthquake, but entire cites sunk into the ocean, were burned, or were completely destroyed. The whole earth was deformed.

The city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain ...

The whole face of the land was changed, because of the tempest and the whirlwinds and the thunderings and the lightnings, and the exceedingly great quaking of the whole earth ...

And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ...

And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:8-17

And you thought the zombie story in Mathew 27:52-53 was crazy!