Roy Zimmerman: I want a marriage like they had in the Bible

A few weeks ago, I attended Moscow's sixth (I think) annual Intolerista Wingding that featured Roy Zimmerman. Here's one of the songs that he sang (along with the lyrics and relevant Bible quotes).



I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.

Now, Abraham and Sarah had a marriage, but she could not bear him...a kid.
So Sarah gave Abraham a slave girl and pretty soon they did it and they did, Lord Lord. Pretty soon they did it and she did.

Now I know that slavery was banned. But a woman should be free to give a slave girl to her husband.

Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid ... And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai. And Sarai ... took Hagar her maid the Egyptian ... and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived. Genesis 16:1-4

I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.

Now Othniel and Achsah had a marriage, because she was a battle prize he won.
Yes, he fought to win Caleb's daughter. And he was Caleb's brother and his son-in-law.
Yeah, he was Caleb's brother and his son.

Now I know it sounds like incest, but a woman should be proud to be married off and princessed.

Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher ... will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother,. took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Judges 1:12-13

(There is some disagreement about whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but either way "it sounds like incest.") 

I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.

Now if two brothers live together and one dies, the other one must marry his brother's widow.
For this is pleasing in God's eyes. And if he should refuse, then she should steal his shoes and spit right in his face. It's right there in the Bible.

If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her ... And if the man like not to take his brother's wife ...Then shall his brother's wife ... loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face. Deuteronomy 25:5-9

Now Jezebel and Ahab had a marriage. And she began usurping all his power.
She was wicked, of course, but he could not divorce her, so he had her thrown off a tower, Lord, Lord.
And sent the dogs her carcass to devour.

Now I know, it sounds excessive. But a woman should submit to her husband or be made a mess of.

Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot ... And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands ... This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel. And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field. 2 Kings 9:33-37

(Actually, though, in fairness to Ahab, he had nothing to do with his wife's death. Jehu, Elijah, and God were the co-conspirators of Jezebel's messy death.)

I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.

Now if a man should take a woman to be his, and it turns out he thinks she's not a virgin.

Well then her parents have a chance to prove she is. And if they let her down, then every man in town,
should stone her till she's dead. It's right there in the Bible. (Deuteronomy)

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Now Solomon and  Naamah had a marriage. And they were together all their lives.
Yes she was his. And he was pretty busy, cause she was one of seven hundred wives, Lord, Lord.
Yeah, Solomon had seven hundred wives. (And three hundred concubines.)

Now I know, that's illegal. But a woman should be one of as many wives as her husband can inveigle.

And Rehoboam the son of Solomon reigned in Judah ... And his mother's name was Naamah. 1 Kings 14:21

Solomon ... had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines. 1 Kings 11:2-3

I want a marriage like they had in the Bible, because the Bible tells me so.