How many animals must you sacrifice to God each year? (According to the Bible)

There are 85 commandments in the Bible that involve animal sacrifice, and some of the instructions are a bit hard to follow. So I'll try to summarize them for you.

Here are the sacrifices that everyone must make. (See the links for the details.)

• Two lambs every day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

• Two lambs every Saturday.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on the first day of every month.

• One bull, one ram, and six lambs on each new moon.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs at harvest time.

• One bull, two rams, nine lambs, and a goat fifty days after harvest.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the first day of the seventh month.

• Twelve bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the second day of the seventh month.

• Eleven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the third day of the seventh month.

• Ten bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fourth day of the seventh month.

• Nine bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fifth day of the seventh month.

• Eight bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the sixth day of the seventh month.

• Seven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the seventh day of the seventh month.

• One bull, two rams, seven lambs, and a goat on the eighth day of the seventh month.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the tenth day of the seventh month.

• Thirteen bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a young goat on the fifteenth day of the seventh month.

• On the tenth day of the first month (Nisan), find an unblemished lamb and kill it on the evening of the 14th day.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on each of the seven days of Passover.

• One bull, one ram, and one goat on Yom Kippur.

So to obey God, you must kill 1367 animals each year -- 127 bulls, 53 rams, 1175 lambs, and 12 goats.

And that's just the baseline. Other animal sacrifices are required in special circumstances. For example:

• If a woman has an unusually long (more than seven days) or irregular menstrual flow, she must kill two doves or pigeons, one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering.

• After childbirth, the mother must kill a lamb for a burnt offering and a dove or pigeon for a sin offering.

• On the eighth day after a man recovers from having an infected penis, he must bring two doves or two pigeons to a priest who will kill one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering.

• On the eighth day after recovering from leprosy, you must kill two unblemished rams and one year-old unblemished lamb If you can't afford the rams and lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead. (Either way, be sure to have a priest smear the animal's blood on the tip of your right ear, and on your right thumb, and on your right big toe.)

• All of your firstborn donkeys must be redeemed either by killing a lamb or breaking the donkey's neck.

• If you break certain commandments, then you must confess that you have sinned and kill a female lamb or young goat as a trespass offering. If you can't afford a lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead.

• If you sin against your neighbor by lying, stealing, or violence, kill an unblemished ram as a trespass offering.

• If you sin through ignorance, kill a young unblemished female sheep or goat.

• If you sin without knowing it, you are still guilty. Kill an unblemished ram for a trespass offering.

• If you unknowingly defile some holy things, kill an unblemished ram or pay the priests whatever such a ram is worth. In addition you must pay the priests a 20% fine.

OK, that's pretty much it. It's enough to get you started, anyway.

Just make sure that you do all of these sacrifices. Otherwise God will smite you with hemorrhoids, have your wife raped, and force you eat your own children.