God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet

I don't completely understand God's thinking on this one. Maybe a believer can explain it.

It all happens fast, in just two verses. Here's a summary:

A "son of a prophet" asked a "neighbor in the word of the Lord" to smite him.

A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. 1 Kings 20.35a

The neighbor refused.

And the man refused to smite him. 20.35b

So God sent a lion to kill him.

Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 20.36

It turns out, though, that there was some reason to the prophet's madness. The prophet wanted a good disguise when he met King Ahab, and he figured a wound would help. So he wanted his neighbor to cut his face, so he could put a bandage on it, so King Ahab wouldn't recognize him when he saw him. Or something like that.

(I don't know why the prophet couldn't just put a bandage on his face or a bag over his head to disguise himself. And I'm not sure why the disguise was necessary anyway. But I guess it was all very important to God.)

Anyway, the bat-shit crazy prophet found another guy who was willing to smite him.

Then he found another man, and said, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man smote him, so that in smiting he wounded him. 20.37

And so the prophet got his costume ready for his meeting with King Ahab.

So the prophet departed, and waited for the king by the way, and disguised himself with ashes upon his face. 20.38 

Which leads us to God's next killing. 

God's next killing: God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king

A Tale of Two Prophets

The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the "man of God" from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.

Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And he ... went after the man of God, and found him sitting under an oak. 1 Kings 13.11-14

The old prophet invited the man of God to come over to his house to eat, but the man of God said that he couldn't, since God told him not to eat or drink anything.

Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread. And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place: For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there. 13.15-17

But the old prophet told the man of God that he was also a prophet and that an angel told him to go find the man of God, bring him back to his house, and give him some food and water.

He said unto him, I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the LORD, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water. 13.18a

Too bad for the man of God, but the old prophet was lying. (If you can't trust an old prophet, who can you trust?)

But he lied unto him. 13.18b

So the man of God went to eat at the lying, old prophet's house.

So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water. 13.19

Then God told the man of God (through the mouth of his lying prophet) that God was pissed at him for...I don't know what. Eating and drinking when God told him not to (even though a prophet of God told him that God said that he should)? Believing a lying prophet of God? What?

I don't know. But here's what the God's lying prophet said:

The word of the LORD came unto the prophet ... saying, Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD ... But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water ... thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. 13.20-22

After the meal, the man of God went on his way. And then a lion met him on the road and killed him.

And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the ass ... And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 13.23-24a

The lion hung around the dead man of God for quite a while. Lots of people came to see the carcass and the ass and the lion by the side of the road.

And his carcase was cast in the way, and the ass stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase. And, behold, men passed by, and saw the carcase cast in the way, and the lion standing by the carcase. 13.24b-25

God's next killing: Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child

God killed 70,000 because David did a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

This is not an easy one to explain, but I'll give it a try.

It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?

Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 

Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together. In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.9

Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?

Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 

Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!

After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.

David's heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10

And God was angry, too, at least that's what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered him three choices:

1. Seven years of famine (or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21),

2. Three months of losing battles,

3. Or Three days of pestilence.

When David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad ... saying ... Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. ... Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-13

David couldn't decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to God).

So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15

But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, God "repented him of the evil" that he intended to do and told him to stop.

When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16

When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, "I've sinned, but what have these people done?" A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.

David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17  

Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make God quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.

And God finally stopped killing people.

Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25

God's next killing: Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered

Famine and Human Sacrifice

The Bible doesn't say much about this killing. It all happens in a single verse.

Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 2 Samuel 21:1

We only know that God sent a three-year famine on Israel because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn't say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)

So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make God stop starving the Israelites.

The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul's seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.

And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:5-6

David agreed, giving them two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons. "And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord."

The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites to death.

And after that God was intreated for the land. 2 Samuel 21:14

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The Bible doesn't say how many Israelites were starved to death by God during the three year famine. I'll guess 3000 -- 1000 each year for the famine, plus another 7 for Saul's 2 sons and 5 grandsons.

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This story (part of it, anyway) is highlighted in The Poverty and Justice Bible. Here are the highlighted words (2 Samuel 21:1-3).

While David was king, there were three years in a row when the nation of Israel could not grow enough food. So David asked the Lord for help, and the Lord answered, "Saul and his family are guilty of murder, because he had the Gibeonites killed.
David called the Gibeonites to him, and he talked with them. He said, "What can I do to make up for what Saul did, so that you'll ask the Lord to be kind to his people again."

And that does sound nice, doesn't it? David is trying to make amends with the Gibeonites for past injustices done by the Israelites. What a model for peace and justice today!
The editors aren't bothered by the idea that God would starve people to death for what their former and now-dead king did long ago.
And they are completely OK with the idea of sacrificing to God the sons and grandsons of the former king to encourage God to "be kind to his people again" (by not starving them to death).
Oh well, I guess they had to find something to highlight in 2 Samuel!

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God's next killing: David's mighty men and their amazing killings

50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

In his last killing, God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines' secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while.

So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as trespass offerings, and put the ark and the offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but … return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed … What shall be the trespass offering? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice … take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the … trespass offering … and send it away … And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us. 1 Samuel 6.2-9

Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that's what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh "and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left."

They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh.  6.11-12

So the world now knows for sure that it was God who killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them.

He smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 6.19

Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

God's next killing: The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines

God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

You may have noticed at the end of the last killing, that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that’s when their troubles really began.

The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, Dagon.

The Philistines took the ark of God ... unto Ashdod ... into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5.1-2

The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.

When they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 5.3

So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump.

When they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 5.4

Then God started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.

But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 5.6

So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.

What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. 5.8

And then God smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 5.9

After that, what do you think the Gathites decided to do with God's ark? They sent it to Ekron.

Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. 5.10

When the ark arrived at Ekron, God did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.

There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 5.11-12

The Bible doesn't say how many people God killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I'll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city. 

God's next killing: 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord

The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

My last post was about the God-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites, which was God's way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.
Now it's time for the rest of the story.

As you'll recall, God told the Israelites to fight the Benjamites three times. In the first two battles, the Israelites were defeated and 40,000 of their soldiers were killed. But the third time "God smote Benjamin," killing 25,100 of them. But 600 Benjamites survived.

But six hundred [Benjamite] men turned and fled to the wilderness unto the rock Rimmon, and abode in the rock Rimmon four months. Judges 20:48

After the battle, the Israelites killed everything (human and animal) in every Benjamite village, town, and city and then burned everything to the ground.

And the men of Israel turned again upon the children of Benjamin, and smote them with the edge of the sword, as well the men of every city, as the beast, and all that came to hand: also they set on fire all the cities that they came to. Judges 20:48

But then they remembered the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers.

Where the heck were these guys going to find wives, since the Israelites had killed all the other Benjamites and they all swore to God at the Mizpeh concubine body part meeting that none of them would "give" their daughters to any Benjamite?

Now the men of Israel had sworn in Mizpeh, saying, There shall not any of us give his daughter unto Benjamin to wife. Judges 21:1

Then they thought of a great solution. They'd check the records of the Mizpeh meeting and see who didn't show up when they got a body part in the mail.

And they said, What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead to the assembly. Judges 21:8

It turned out that Jabeshgilead was absent. So they sent 12,000 soldiers to Jabeshgilead to kill everyone in town except for the virgin women. That produced 400 virgins, which they delivered to the Benjamite survivors at the rock Rimmon.

And the congregation sent thither twelve thousand men of the valiantest, and commanded them, saying, Go and smite the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead with the edge of the sword, with the women and the children. And they found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins, that had known no man by lying with any male ... and they gave them wives which they had saved alive of the women of Jabeshgilead: .Judges 21:10-14

But shit! There were 600 Benjamites, so they were still 200 virgins short. Where the fuck were they going to find 200 more virgins?

Well, someone heard about this dancing festival that they had at Shiloh. So they had the remaining 200 Benjamite men hide in the bushes and catch the Shiloh virgins when they came out to dance.

Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards ... And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. Judges 21:20-23

So each of the 600 surviving Benjamite soldiers got a virgin and everything worked out according to God's plan.

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In the comments, busterggi asks, "So what was Yahweh's plan?"

It's a fair question. Let's see if we can figure it out from the text of Judges 19-21.

There are some things that are clear enough. God approved of the Israelite civil war between the Benjamite tribe and the rest of the Israelites. We know this since God was directly asked three times (Judges 20:18, 23, 28) by the non-Benjamites whether they should attack the Benjamites. In each case, God said yes.
Which side he was on is less clear, however. The first two times that he told the non-Benjamites to attack, they were routed by the Benjamites and lost a total of 40,000 men. But the third time, "the LORD smote Benjamin" and 25,100 Benjamites died (which was nearly all of them). What God had in mind in the first two battles is anyone's guess, but he seems to have favored the non-Benjamites in the overall war.

Which makes you wonder, why did God want the Israelites to fight against each other, and why did he want the non-Benjamites to win?

To answer that we have to go back to the Levite and his concubine. That was, after all, the only justification for the war. The men of Gibeah were Benjamites, the Benjamites refused to hand over the men of Gibeah (all of them, I guess) to the non-Benjamites to be killed, so the non-Benjamites had to go to war with the Benjamites. God must have accepted this justification for war, since no other is even hinted at in the story.
So God approved of the war, but did he approve of the way the Israelites were called to war? That is, did he approve of chopping up the concubine's body into 12 pieces and sending the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel? (I guess even the Benjamites got a piece.) Well, he certainly never voiced any disapproval. And there is another similar message that he definitely approved. Shortly after Saul became king, "the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." (1 Samuel 11:6-7). This was a call to war -- and Saul did it under the influence of God's spirit. So chopping up dead bodies and sending them as messages is something that God inspires people to do. So we can be pretty sure that God approved of the rotting concubine body part messages.

OK. So God approved of the war, was rooting for the non-Benjamites, and most likely approved of the call to war message. But how about the genocide after the war?

That is a harder question. But God had plenty of chances to object if he disapproved. And (as readers of this blog well know) he often performed genocide himself and commanded the Israelites to do likewise. So I think he was OK with the genocide of the Benjamites.

But what about after the genocide. Did he think the 600 surviving Benjamites needed wives? Did he approve of the vow (to him) that the non-Benjamites made to not "give" their daughters to Benjamites? Did he think it was OK to kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except the virgin women in order to get 400 wives for the Benjamites? And did he approve of the abduction of the Shiloh girls for the remaining 200 Benjamites?

I would say that the answer to each of these questions is yes. God approved of it all. It was all a part of his plan and everything worked out just the way he wanted it to.

What do you think?

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God's next killing: Eli's sons and 34,000 soldiers

A Holy Civil War (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)

Remember the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy's house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can't have sex with him but I'll give you my virgin daughter and his concubine instead, so the Levite gives them his concubine and they rape her all night and she crawls back to the house and dies the next morning, and then the Levite puts her body on his donkey and goes home and chops her body into 12 pieces and sends a piece to each tribe of Israel? Yeah that one.

Well, it's not over yet.

You see, when the 12 tribes got the pieces of decaying body parts, they immediately assembled before the Lord in Mizpeh, along with the entire population of Israel and 400,000 soldiers. (What else would you do if you got a hunk of rotting flesh in the mail?)

Then all the children of Israel went out, and the congregation was gathered together as one man ... unto the LORD in Mizpeh. And ... four hundred thousand footmen that drew sword. Judges 20:1-2

When they arrived at Mizpeh, the Israelites asked the meaning of the rotting flesh messages. So the Levite told them the nasty story that is found in Judges 19, except that he left out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased.

When the Israelites heard this, they all said together in complete unison:

This shall be the thing which we will do to Gibeah; we will go up by lot against it. Judges 20:9

(God's just war theory: Since the town of Gibeah was where the incident with the concubine occurred, and the inhabitants of Gibeah were from the tribe of Benjamin, the other Israelite tribes must go to war with the Benjamites. This may not make much sense to you, but it does to God.)

But first the Israelites ask God what they should do. He tells them to go to war with the Benjamites, saying that the tribe of Judah should go first. (I'm skipping a bit here. See the Brick Testament for the details.) So they did that, but it didn't work out too well, and 22,000 Israelites died.

After their first defeat, the Israelites wept before God and asked him what they should do next. God said to go fight the Benjamites (again). So the next day they tried that, but it didn't turn out so well this time either. Another 18,000 Israelites were killed.

Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask him (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promised that he would deliver them into their hands.

And he did. It's not entirely clear, though, how many Benjamites were killed, 25,100, 25,000, or maybe both in two separate battles. But since there were only a total of 26,000 Benjamites soldiers, I'll just give God credit for killing another 25,100.

And the LORD smote Benjamin before Israel: and the children of Israel destroyed of the Benjamites that day twenty and five thousand and an hundred men: all these drew the sword. Judges 20:35

Still, it seems to me that God was also at least partly responsible for the 40,000 Israelites that were killed in the first two unsuccessful battles that he told the Israelites to fight. What do you think, should these be included in God's killings?

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10 Dec 09: I've decided to add the 40,000 Israelite deaths to God's total. If you think I'm wrong about that, let me know in the comments.

God's next killing: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

Judges 19: Gang rape, dismemberment, and body part messages

I was going to skip over this story, since it is so damned disgusting and God seemed to have nothing much to do with it (other than inspiring it, that is). And yet, it's in the Bible, so it must be important to him. Maybe a believer that can explain why God likes it so much.

It seems to be based upon Genesis 19, where the just and righteous Lot offers his virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers.

This time, though, the visitor that the men of the city found so attractive was a Levite, not a couple of angels. (As always, see the Brick Testament for the details.)

Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him. Judges 19:22

Can't you just picture it? All the men of a city come to a house and demand to have sex with the new guy in town.

So what do you think the host did when he answered the door? Well, he offered the mob his virgin daughter (and his guest's concubine), of course! It's the polite thing to do. Any just and righteous man would do the same.

Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing. Judges 19:22

But the the men didn't want his virgin daughter, so he gave them the concubine instead.

But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning. Judges 19:25

The next morning, the concubine came back to the house and collapsed at the door.

The Levite opened the door, saw the concubine lying there, and told her to get up. But she didn't answer. So he put her on his donkey and went home.

And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:29

Did you catch that? The Levite cut the concubine into twelve pieces and sent the bloody body parts to the twelve tribes of Israel. (As Brucker points out, the text doesn't even say whether the concubine was alive or dead when her body was dismembered.)

Now that is a strange way to send a message! Someone from each tribe of Israel got a rotting piece of flesh in the mail. What the fuck were they supposed to make of that? (Oh, look Martha, here's a stinking hunk of putrefied abdomen that arrived in the mail parcel post!)

The story ends with this advice:

Consider of it, take advice, and speak your minds. Judges 19:30

Those who do consider it will immediately reject the idea that the Bible was inspired by God. Hopefully, they will then speak their minds.

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There is nothing in this story that indicates that God disapproves of:

1. A man having a sex slave (concubine)
2. A father offering his virgin daughter to a sex-crazed mob
3. Chopping up bodies (dead or alive)
4. Sending messages with body parts

It's just a stupid, nasty story that was put in the Bible because it is a stupid, nasty story.

The Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

In my last post, I described how Samson's brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson's life (Judges 14). Here's the next.
After Samson murdered the 30 Philistines, he went his wife's house to have sex with her. He even brought a young goat along to pay her for her services.

Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. Judges 15:1

But then her father had to tell him the bad news: he had given Samson's wife to one of his friends because he thought that he "hated" her.

And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion. Judges 15:2a

His father-in-law suggested that Samson just take his younger daughter. Heck, she's prettier anyway.

Is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. Judges 15:2b

But Samson had a better idea. An idea that only one of God's special heroes could come up with. He'd catch 300 foxes, tie their tails together, light them on fire, and set them loose in the Philistine's grain fields.

And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. Judges 15:4

When the Philistines found out about it, they burned to death Samson's wife and father-in-law.

Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire. Judges 15:2b

In response, Samson smote the Philistines "hip and thigh" with a great slaughter. (I'm not including this killing on God's list, since the story doesn't tell us that "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" or otherwise directly say that God was involved.)

And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease. And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter. Judges 15:7-8

Then Samson went to hang out "in the top of the rock Etam" for a while. While he was there, 3000 men of Judah came, tied him up and took him to the Philistines. When they delivered Samson "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him" and he broke the ropes and killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15

Samson was thirsty after the killing, so God made water come out of the same jawbone so that Samson could get a drink.

And he was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and ... God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again. Judges 15:18-19

Does anyone really believe this stuff? Well, yes they do, unfortunately. Over two billion people believe (or pretend to believe) that this story actually happened exactly as it is recorded in Judges 15. Samson tied the tails of 300 foxes together and set them on fire and then he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
Of course most believers have never read the story and don't even know it exists, but they believe it anyway, completely and implicitly, because they believe that everything in the Bible is true.
It's easier to believe in stories like this if you don't know they exist.

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God's next killing: Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack

The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes

Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn't get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he "delivered" them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn't get paid for them.)

Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites' new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in.
(This is the first time that the third step in God's famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can't find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn't hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)

Samson's birth was a lot like Jesus'. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son. He even came again unto her when her husband wasn't around and got her pregnant.
So Samson's birth was a fucking miracle.

And the Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. Judges 13:24-25

The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:

Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. Judges 14:1-3

Now Samson's folks were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn't know that this was all a part of God's plan.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. Judges 14:4

Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when "the Spirit of the LORD came mightily" on him. Now in the Bible, there's pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something. That's what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. Judges 14:5-6

When he arrived his Philistine girlfriend's place "she pleased Samson well" and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass...

...and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:8

Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion's body.

Of course, it's also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the "honey" would have been pretty nasty stuff!)

Well whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn't tell them where it came from.

And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. Judges 14:9

Although the Bible doesn't actually say so, I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson's new-found Philistine friends.

At the party Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. Judges 14:12-13

Wasn't that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get 30 sheets and 30 garments. But whoever can't will have to give Samuel 30 sheets and 30 garments.

Now the party goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson's new wife to tell them the answer or they'd burn her house down. She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party. So Samson didn't get his 30 sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of ... well, I'm not sure what. Here's what he said:

If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. Judges 14:18

So the party animals plowed with Samson's heifer and they found out his riddle.
And then God gets involved again.

And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. Judges 14:19

So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and killed 30 men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson's new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. Judges 14:20

So everything worked out according to God's plan. Samson's brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle and the clothing bet -- It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Oh, did you get Samson's riddle? Me neither.

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God's next killing: The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass

The Ammonite massacre

This is the fifth time the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See Judges 2:14, 3:8, 4:2, and 6:1 for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen.

1. The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.
2. God gets angry and sells them as slaves. (This time to the Ammonites.)
3. The Israelites cry out to God.
4. God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to.

A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre. This time God chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah ... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. Judges 11:29-31

Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah's vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah "a very great slaughter."

So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. Judges 11:29-39

God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter." And then Jephthah came home, which leads us to God's next killing.

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Note: I originally only gave God credit for 1000 in this killing, but I increased it to 20,000 to account for the 20 massacred cities.

Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow

Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way: The Israelites "do evil in the sight of the Lord," so God sells them into slavery. Then "the children of Israel cried unto the LORD" and God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites, this time around)

Here's the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree and he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.

And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. Judges 6:12

And then God joined in.

And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. Judges 6:14-16

(As always, the best way to picture this is to read the Brick Testament story.)

So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn't believe either of them. He demands a sign.

But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Judges 6:19-21

Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.

But it still didn't convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn't lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

And Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-37

And God passed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. Judges 6:38

Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He's still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. Judges 6:39

And God did that trick, too!

So God passed all of Gideon's tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to select some accomplices.

I'm not sure how this happened, but it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they'd be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill those guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God's liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with that big of an army, nobody would believe that it was God that was doing the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. Judges 7:2

So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. Judges 7:3

That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water "as a dog lappeth" are the natural-born killers that he's looking for, while those that got down on their knees to use a cup or their hands are fucking wusses that should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. Judges 7:5-7

You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.
(Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses, and yet here, 200 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers "without number.")

And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. Judges 7:12

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midiantes with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

And ... behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon the son of Joash, a man of Israel: for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. Judges 7:13-15

But enough with the dreams. It's time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it, and tells them:

When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:18

And that's what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:20

Great idea, eh? But it didn't really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Amalekites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow. Judges 7:22

The story gets a bit confusing after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon. The princes of Succoth question Gideon's leadership and he promises to come back and torture them later. (Which he did and then killed all the men in their city.) And Gideon tells his son to kill two kings, but ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

But finally we are told that 120,000 were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. Judges 8:10

Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They're fucking crazy.

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God's next killing: A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

Ehud delivers a message from God

Remember how in his last killing, God was so angry at the Israelites for worshiping other gods that he sold them as slaves to King Cushy?

Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. Judges 3.12-14

But then the Israelites cried out to God again ("Yahweh!, Yahweh!").

But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD 3.15a

And he raised up another hero for them. This time it was a left-handed guy named Ehud. God sent him to deliver a present to Eglon.

The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud … a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 3.15b

Ehud’s present to Eglon was a message from God: a knife blade in his belly pushed in so far that "the dirt (feces) came out."

Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. 3.16-22

God has a funny way of communicating, doesn't he?

God's next killing: 10,000 lusty Moabites

The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim

God was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of Baal and Asheroth ("the groves" in the KJV).

The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves. Judges 3.7

So he did what any good god would do and sold the Israelites into slavery. Chushanrishathaim was the happy buyer.

Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia. 3.8a

The Israelites were Chushanrishathaim's slaves for eight years. But then the Israelites cried out together in unison to the Lord and he "raised up" Othiniel, who was Caleb's nephew and the first "judge" of Israel.

The children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. 3.8b-9

And then "the spirit of the Lord came upon Othiniel ... and he went out to war."

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war. 3.10a

Whom did Othiniel go to war with? Chushanrishathaim -- the guy that God sold the Israelites to.

The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. 3.10b

The Bible doesn’t say how many of King Cushy’s soldiers were killed in this holy war. I’ll just guess the usual 1000.

God's next killing: Ehud delivers a message from God

Go up thou bald head: 1001 Cruelties in the Bible

Repost in honor of the SAB's 1001st cruelty in the Bible.

I've been revising the SAB as I blog God's killings, adding cruelties (and other stuff) that I'd previously missed as I go along. When I first wrote this post nearly two years ago, 907 cruel passages were highlighted in the SAB. Now there are 1001. I suspect that before I'm get to God's 90th killing, there will be several hundred more.

After posting this challenge to believers, I received a response from GotQuestions.org. They told me that they were writing responses to the SAB's short list of cruelties and asked if I would be willing to link to them. I happily agreed and added links as they wrote their responses.

Some time later, however, they removed them all. I was never told why, but all of the links that I had created suddenly died.

If any other believers would like to respond to the SAB's list of cruelties, I will add links at the SAB. I'd even consider adding their responses as guest posts on this blog.

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For several years now, I've encouraged believers to respond to the highlighted verses at the SAB. And quite a few have done so. I've provided links at the bottom of the appropriate SAB pages to all of the responses that I've found on the web.

Nearly all of the responses have one thing in common: they focus on the Bible's contradictions. Of course there are a lot of them (more than 400 are listed at the SAB), and I understand why they concern Bible believers. But contradictions are the least of the Bible's problems.

That's why believers like to focus on them. I've never seen a contradiction that a believer can't explain. They can always talk their way around it by saying, "That's what the Bible says, but that's not what it means" or "It could have been this way or it could have been that." And since the Bible is often hard to understand, it's hard to argue with them.

But as Mark Twain said, "It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."

I think that's true for most people -- or it would be, if they had read the Bible, which most people have not.

That's why I created the SAB. To highlight the things I understand well enough to be bothered by. And I'm not bothered much by the contradictions; I'm bothered by the Bible's cruelty.

So far I've marked 907 passages in the Bible that I consider cruel. Acts that were performed, commanded, or inspired by a supposedly kind and loving God.

Now it's true that some on the list are minor, and some might not seem cruel to everyone. Some passages are on the list for excessive violence, even when God may not have been directly involved. So let's focus on those that will seem cruel to nearly everyone.

To help with that, I've created a short list of 237 cruel passages from the Bible. In most cases the cruelty will be clear just from reading the passage. When not, I've tried to add a note to clarify it's meaning. But I think most people who read these passages will be bothered by them, though most believers will try hard not to admit it, even to themselves.

Here's one to get started with. (To be fair, I'll try to include some later from the Quran and Book of Mormon, too.) Here it is.

And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24

Are there any Bible believers that are not bothered by this story? If so, I'd like to hear from them.

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God slowly kills the Israelite army

This is a strange one and I completely missed it until now.

Read it and let me know what you think.

And the space in which we came from Kadeshbarnea, until we were come over the brook Zered, was thirty and eight years; until all the generation of the men of war were wasted out from among the host, as the LORD sware unto them. For indeed the hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed. So it came to pass, when all the men of war were consumed and dead from among the people, That the LORD spake unto me, saying.... Deuteronomy 2:14-17

It's hard to understand, isn't it, especially without any Brick Testament illustrations? But it sure sounds like God killed the entire Israelite army -- slowly -- over a period of 38 years.

It's not a very impressive killing, though, as God's killings go. He mostly just waited for them all to die of natural causes. Prostate cancer, heart attack, stroke.

But God claims to have killed them all himself, so I guess we should give him credit. How many old soldiers do you think died because "the hand of the Lord was against them?"

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So how many soldiers did God kill?

Well, they started off with 603,550 men "from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war in Israel" and the only people that the Bible mentions dying along the way are those that God killed, which total a bit over 50,000. But I suppose some people must have died of natural causes over the 38 year period. So I'll just say that God killed 500,000 soldiers.

Thanks for your help on this one. Now I just need to update the list. Be sure to check my numbers!

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God's next killing: God the giant killer

A killing to end God's killing

This is really a strange one, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Maybe you can help me sort it out. (In any case, this is definitely a story to mark up in you next Gideon Bible.)

It all happens in the first few verses of Numbers 25, right after the story about Balaam's talking donkey.

It begins with the people having sex with the daughters of Moab.

And ... the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1

After sex, they ate dinner with them and worshiped their gods.

And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods. Numbers 25:2

This angered God, so he told Moses to kill all the leaders and hang their dead bodies up on trees so that he wouldn't be so angry anymore.

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. Numbers 25:3-4

Now this probably wasn't as bad as the King James Version makes it sound. "Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the Lord against the sun" sounds like God told Moses to cut off peoples' heads and hang the heads on trees. That would be kind of nasty.

But no. God just wanted Moses to kill the leaders ("the heads of the people") and hang their dead bodies on trees out in the sunshine so "that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel." That's not nearly so bad, now is it?

I can't tell, though, whether Moses did what God asked. Here's the next verse.

And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor. Numbers 25:5

Moses tells the leaders (judges) to kill everyone who "were joined unto Baalpeor." I don't know if being joined to Baalpeor was having sex with the daughters of Moab or not. But clearly Moses wasn't following orders here. God told him to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees; Moses tells the leaders to kill the people who had sex with Moab women. Different thing entirely, I'd say.

Anyway, I guess neither God's nor Moses' plan was executed, because of what happened next.

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. Numbers 25:6

And then the real hero of the story shows up. Phinehas. He sees the happy couple and sticks a spear through their bodies while they were having sex.

And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8a

This double murder made God so happy that he stopped killing everyone. You see, while Moses was trying to get the leaders to kill people who had sex with Moabite women and God was trying to get Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, God was also busy killing people with a plague.

So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8b-9

Now God had planned to kill everyone, but he stopped with just 24,000 because of Phinehas' holy murder. (Paul said that only 23,000 died in the plague, but how would he know?)

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel, while he was zealous for my sake among them, that I consumed not the children of Israel in my jealousy. Numbers 25:10-11

So you see my problem here, don't you? How many killings do we have here?

God told Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, but we don't know whether Moses followed God's command.

Moses told the leaders to kill whoever had sex with the Moabite women, but we don't know if his order was carried out either.

Phinehas killed the two people having sex, but we don't know whether God told him to or not. (Even though God was clearly pleased by the killing. So much, in fact that he quit killing after only 24,000, when he'd planned to kill several million.)

And how many died in the plague? Was it 24,000 as Numbers 25:9 says or 23,000 as it says in 1 Corinthians 10:8?

So how do we keep score here? At least 24,002 people died (23,002 if we believe Paul), but in how many separate killing events? And should God get credit for Phinehas' double murder?

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I've decided to count Phinehas' double murder and God's plague as a single killing event. God clearly deserves credit for the plague, of course, but the Phinehas' affair is less clear.

However both Moses and God ordered people to be killed either for either having sex with the Midianites or for allowing them to do so (Numbers 25:3-5), and God was so pleased with the Phinehas' killing that he stopped his own mass murder. So I think God deserves credit for either inspiring or directly ordering Phinehas to impale the lovers while they were having sex.

God's next killing: The Midianite Massacre (Have ye saved all the women alive?)

God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

When it comes to this Bible story, there are only two kinds of believers: those who have never heard of it, and those who are embarrassed by it.

Here's the story.

The Israelites began to complain about the lack of food and water.

And the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way. And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. Numbers 21:4-5

So God sent fiery serpents to bite the people.

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people... Numbers 21:6a

And many of the people died.

... and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6b

Then the people apologized to Moses and God for complaining, and they asked Moses to do something to get rid of God's nasty fiery serpents.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. Numbers 21:7

God told Moses what to do. Make a fiery serpent out of brass (they had lots of that lying around) and put it on a pole. Then when a bitten person looks at it, he or she won't die. (Only God could come up with a plan like that!)

And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. Numbers 21:8

So Moses made a brass snake and put it on a pole. And it worked just like God said it would.

And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived. Numbers 21:8

Now that's a lot more entertaining than a damned holy war massacre, isn't it?

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If there is a believer who is actually proud of this story, I'd love to hear about it. The rest of you can just go on being embarrassed by it.

Well, I guess there are some believers that like this story, since it is highlighted in the Green Bible. I bet that's because it has snakes in it. God loves snakes.

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God's next killing: Phbinehas' double murder

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14,700 killed for complaining about God's killings

In case you haven't been following along, here's what has happened so far in Numbers 16.

• Korah and his companions question Moses' leadership, saying "Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?" (vv. 1-3)
• Moses falls on his face. (v.4)
• The glory of the Lord appears to the congregation.(v.19)
• God tells Moses to get out of the way because he's going to kill everyone. (vv.20-21)
• Moses and Aaron fall on their faces. (v.22)
• Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive. (vv.27-33)
• God burns to death 250 men for burning incense. (v.35)

So, as you might expect, the people who had witnessed all this were pretty freaked out by now.

But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. (v.41)

Then "the glory of the Lord" appeared and God tells Moses he's going to kill everyone (again).

Behold ... the glory of the LORD appeared.
...
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. (v.42-45a)

I think you can guess by now what Moses and Aaron did next.

They fell upon their faces. (v.45b)

Then Moses told Aaron to burn some incense to try to stop God from killing everyone. But God's plague had already started.

And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun. (v.46)

But the incense burning worked, sort of, anyway. (Sometimes God will stop killing if you burn incense; sometimes he'll burn you to death instead. He works in mysterious ways.) But not before 14,700 had died in the plague.

Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah. (v.49)

So in this chapter, God threatened to kill everyone twice, but settled for killing 14,962 instead in three separate killing events (a dozen or so buried alive, 250 burned to death, and 14,700 killed in a plague).

But don't complain about it or he'll kill you, too.

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God's next killing: The massacre of the Aradites