The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Not all of the nine on Cracked.com's list would make it onto mine, but then there are so many badass verses to choose from. Here are some that we can all agree on.

(The first number is the Cracked.com Badass rating; the second is the ranking at TopVerses.com. Believers just don't seem to like these verses much.)

#8 (15,995) 2 Kings 2:23-24

Okay, we've seen this one before. But isn't this a great picture?

And, of course, here's the moral of the story.

#7 (16,648) Ezekiel 23:19-20
No comment is needed on this one.

#4 (26,550)Deuteronomy 25:11-12

The Cracked.com authors (Wong and Ball) explain it this way.

Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:

"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.

#1 (8,876) 1 Samuel 18:25-27
This is my personal favorite.

And here's some of Ball and Wong's exegesis.

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?

...

We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further.

Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

Which verses are on your list?

Losing the Lamanites

The LDS church is changing a single word in its introduction to the Book of Mormon.

If you go get your Book of Mormon (or go to LDS.com) you'll find the following words in the last sentence of the second paragraph: "After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the American Indians."

But the new version will say, "After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the American Indians."

Now if you haven't read the Book of Mormon, this might not seem like such a big deal to you. But the idea that Native Americans are the degenerate offspring of the Lamanite tribe is absolutely central to the Book of Mormon. In fact, other than Jesus showing up now and then in the New World, there just isn't much else to the silliest book every written.

So why did the leaders of the Mormon church drop the teaching about the Lamanites?

Because they had to.

Of course, anthropologists known for many years that Native Americans migrated from Asia thousands of years ago, long before the Jaredites and the Nephites supposedly made their incredible journeys. But recent DNA evidence makes it impossible to deny any longer. The Book of Mormon is wrong; Native Americans did not descend from the Lamanites.

That is what the LDS church is admitting with the 1-word change in the introduction to the Book of Mormon.

Most Popular Bible Verses (Jeremiah 19:9 didn't make the list)

What a great idea, eh? Take the 31,101 or so verses in the Bible and rank them by popularity. That's what TopVerses.com did, and guess what verse was number one.

That's right.

But none of my favorite verses made it on the top 10 or even the top 1000 verses. (Although Malachi 2:3 was the 9th most popular verse in Malachi and the top verse in Malachi 2.)

I guess there are some verses that Bible believers just don't like very much. Take Jeremiah 19:9, for example.

And I [God] will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend.

This is clearly a verse that God feels strongly about. Yet it's ranked 21,875!

I'll bet that really ticks God off. (Maybe he'll force believers to eat each other.)

Suggested Bible stories for the next Barna survey

As I mentioned in my last post, a new Barna survey claims that two thirds of American adults believe in the literal truth of the stories in the Bible, and concludes that "people believe that their personal trust" in the biblical God "is warranted" from these stories.

But of course the entire survey was set up to produce the desired result. The selected stories were the safe and familiar ones found in children's Bibles (and are the only ones that most adults are familiar with today).

I wonder what the result would be if the Bible stories were selected at random. What would happen, for example, if the following six stories were selected?

1) God kills every Egyptian firstborn baby.

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle .... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30

2) God sends fiery serpents to bite and kill his people (for complaining).

And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:5-6

3) Moses commands his soldiers to kill every boy, woman, and female child (except for the virgins).

And Moses was wroth with the officers ... And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:14-18

4) God orders the Israelites to kill every Amalekite man, woman, and child.

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

5) David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:25-27

6) God kills husband and wife for not giving all their money to Peter.
(Or maybe for lying about the amount of money that they had.)

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: ... And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost. Acts 5:1-10

Would people believe in the literal truth of these stories? Would they still "believe that their personal trust" in the biblical God was "warranted" by them?

Barna should do a survey to find out. (I'll bet the believers would drop from two thirds to two percent.)

Taking Bible Stories Literally

Oh boy, a new Barna survey is out!

This one is trying to find out if Americans still believe those cute Bible stories they were taught as kids. And, not too surprisingly, most (about 2/3) still do.

Here are the "six renowned Bible stories ... offered to adults for their consideration," along with the overall percentage who believed the story was “literally true, meaning it happened exactly as described in the Bible”:

1) Jesus rising from the dead (75%)

2) Daniel and the lion den (65%)

3) Moses parting the Red Sea (64%)

4) David and Goliath (63%)

5) Peter walking on water (60%)

6) The six-day creation story (60%)

From the survey, the Barna group concluded that "these and other Bible stories inspire people to believe that their personal trust in that powerful God is warranted. Although some people may dismiss such writings as fairy tales for children, the data indicate that the typical American has adopted these accounts as the foundation of a valued faith in God."

Okay. But what I'd like to know is this: Why did Barna choose these six stories for the survey?

I suspect that there are two reasons:

1) They are the stories that most people are familiar with.

2) They are stories that most people can stomach.

The stories are familiar not because most people have read them, but because they were read to them when they were children (and very few have read them since). The text and illustrations made it all seem so appealing, comforting, and certain. They were included in the Barna survey because when it comes to religion, familiarity breeds, not contempt, but acceptance and belief. And belief was what the Barna survey was trying to find.