Top Ten Abominations to God

When the subject of abominations comes up, most people think of homosexuality, because that is one of the few things that God hasn't changed his mind about since he became a born again Christian a couple thousand years ago. God still likes Leviticus 18:22, although he's softened up a bit on Leviticus 20:13.

Here are ten other things that are (or were) abominations to the non-denominational, pre-Christian Bible-God. (In God's favorite order -- biblical!)

1. Lobsters, shrimp, clams, octopus, and squids

   Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:12

2. Four-legged fowls

   All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20

3. Four-footed flying, creeping things

   But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:23

4. Whatever crawls on its belly, goes on all four, or has lots of legs

   Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth ... are an abomination. Leviticus 11:42

5. Sacrificing a blemished sheep or goat

   Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

6. Women who wear men's clothing
   

   The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 22:5

7. The hire of a whore or the price of a dog

   Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 23:18

8. Taking back an ex-wife after she's been defiled
   (If you get married and then find that you hate your wife because she's unclean or something, go ahead and divorce her and kick her out of your house. After she's gone, if some other guy marries her and also hates her and divorces her, don't take her back as your wife. It really pisses God off. It's an abomination to him.)

   When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD. Deuteronomy 24:1-4

9. The work of a craftsman

   Cursed be the man that maketh any graven or molten image, an abomination unto the LORD, the work of the hands of the craftsman.... Deuteronomy 27:15

10. Whatever people value the most
    (Like kindness, wisdom, truth, courage, honesty, love, compassion, beauty?)

    That which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. Luke 16:15

Real men pee standing up

Have you ever wondered why the God of the Bible likes the phrase "piss against the wall" so much? I know I have.

Well wonder no more, because Pastor Steven L Anderson explains it all for you.

Here are some of the good pastor's words in the sermon.

And God says, "A man is someone who pisses against a wall." ... And you say, "Ah, you're being vile." I'm not being vile. God's the one who wrote the Bible.
...
We got pastors that pee sitting down. We got the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. ... The editors of the NIV pee sitting down. The editors of the New King James all pee sitting down. I'm gonna tell you something. I will never pee sitting down.

So there you have it. According to the Bible, real men pee standing up.

And in case you want to mark them in your Bible, here are the six verses where God uses the phrase "piss against the wall."

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

...surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.1 Samuel 25:34

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall... 1 Kings 14:10

... he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.1 Kings 16:11

Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall....1 Kings 21:21

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall,.... 2 Kings 9:8

A sermon for Hillary

Poor Hillary had to sit through a long sermon on adultery this morning. The text was from Matthew 5 verses 27-30.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:27-30

I'm sure the sermon was embarrassing for her, for obvious reasons, but that isn't what I want to discuss here. I am more interested in the biblical text itself.

Notice that Jesus says that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery, and that it would be better for such a person to pluck out his eye (or cut off his hand if that is somehow involved) to avoid sinning. Because if you pluck out your eye (well you'd probably have to pluck them both out), then you can't commit adultery by looking at a woman. And since Jesus believes that all adulterers go to hell (including those who are "just looking"), wise men will pluck out their eyes. Can't argue with that.

Jesus' reasoning seems pretty clear here. 1) Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery. 2) All adulterers go to hell (which is a really nasty place -- much more unpleasant than plucking out eyes or cutting off hands). 3) Those who pluck their eyes out will never commit adultery by looking at women. Therefore, all men (at least those who might someday look lustfully at a woman) should pluck out their eyes (and maybe cut off their hands just for good measure).

But that's not what really bothers me. It's what Jesus said a few verses before.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Matthew 5:17-18

Not one jot or tittle, eh Jesus? Then this law must still apply:

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

So guys, Jesus gives you a choice. Either pluck out your eyes (and maybe cut off you hands) and thereby avoid committing adultery by looking or keep your eyes and hands, commit the inevitable adultery by looking at a woman, be executed for it, and then burn forever in hell. It's up to you.

Fair enough. But what about the woman with whom the man commits "just looking" adultery? Is she guilty of adultery too? Must we execute her also in accordance with Leviticus 10:20? And after we kill her, will she go to hell with the guy who was caught looking at her?

I'm just asking.

Einstein on the Bible

What did Albert Einstein think about the Bible? Well, here's what he said a year before he died.

The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.

Mothers are dirty and sinful (according to the Bible anyway)

I know it's an awful thing to say on Mother's Day, and I certainly don't believe it myself. (Honest Mom!) But the God of the Bible does. There's a whole chapter about it in Leviticus. Here's what it says.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, ... If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days. ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days. ... But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:1-5

So the proud, new mother of a baby boy is unclean for a week and must purify herself for 33 days after her son is born. And if the baby is a girl, the mother is twice as dirty; she is unclean for two weeks and must be purified for 66 days after giving birth. (The take-home message here is that, to God, girls are twice as dirty as boys.)

But a new mother is not only dirty to the biblical God; she is sinful, as well. So sinful, in fact, that she must sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a dove as a sin offering (or two doves if she can't find a lamb to kill).

And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering. ... And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering. Leviticus 12:6-8

Happy Mother's Day (to all you dirty, sinful mothers out there)!