David Attenborough on Genesis

The influence of the book of Genesis, which says that the Lord God said to go forth and multiply to Adam and Eve, and that the natural world is there for you to dominate, you have dominion over the animals and plants of the world. And that basic notion, that the world is there for us and that if it doesn't serve our proposes, it is dispensable, that has produced the devastation of vast areas of the world's surface... That is why we are in the situation that we're in. (3:28 - 4:27)

Of course this verse (Genesis 1:28) is marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible.

Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

You may have noticed that God, after his first mass murder, showed a bit of remorse for needlessly drowning pretty much everything on earth. He even promised to never "smite any more every thing living." (Genesis 8.21)

And he kept his promise, too [if you ignore the anti-Sodomite slaughter], for another ten chapters or so. But in the end, God couldn't resist the temptation to kill again.

Abraham tried to talk him out of it, though. He and God and a couple of God's friends had been hanging out all day together. But after getting their feet washed and eating a big meal, God and his friends decided it was time to go.

The LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day; And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground, And said … wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree … And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf  … And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them … and they did eat. Genesis 18.1-8

They were heading off toward Sodom and Abraham decided he'd better tag along.

The men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. 18.16

As they were walking along, God said (to himself?), "Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?"

The LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do? 18.17

How's that for weird? God asks himself if he should tell Abraham what he is about to do (which is, of course, kill everyone in two cities). He doesn't know what to do. Is he afraid that Abe will talk him out of it? Or try to stop him? Or what? Or is he just embarrassed to be having bad thoughts again?

But God finally snaps out of it and tells Abraham what he's up to. He has heard that the people in Sodom have sinned and he's decided to go to Sodom and see for himself.

The LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous; I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know. 18.20-21

Abraham was on to him right away. He said, "Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?"

Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? 18.23

God, who is one of his moods, ignores him. So Abe starts to bargain. What if there are 50 good people in Sodom? Would you kill them, too? "Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?"

Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? … Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? 18.24-25

God says if he can find 50 good citizens of Sodom, he won't kill everybody.

The LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes. 18.26

So Abe tries 45, and God says he wouldn't kill everyone if there were 45.

Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it. 18.28

Abe keeps going this way (knowing that God is a tad slow). How about 40? 30? 20? 10? And each time God answers the same way: If God can find a few good men (well ten, anyway), he won't kill the whole city.

He said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake. 18.32

And then God just takes off and Abraham goes home. "And the LORD went his way ... and Abraham returned unto his place."

And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place. 18.33

But God's two friends (they're called angels now) keep going to Sodom. Lot invites them in and gives them the usual God treatment (washes their feet and feeds them).

There came two angels to Sodom at even … and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night. And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 19.1-3

Then a strange thing happened. (Strange things often happen in the Bible.) Every man in the city of Sodom came to Lot's house and demanded to have sex with Lot's two angel friends.

The men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them. 19.4-5

Man, those must have been some good looking angels!

Lot's response was to protect the angels (who you'd think could take care of themselves) by offering the sex-crazed mob his two virgin daughters instead.

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. 19.8

[This is a man, by the way, whom the Bible calls "just and righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. A few verses later he will get drunk and impregnate both his virgin daughters (see Genesis 19:30-38), but that's another lovely Bible story.]

As it turns out, though, there is no time for Lot to make good on his kind offer because God is getting ready to commit another mass murder. The angels strike the people of Sodom blind, tell Lot, his virgin daughters (and their husbands!), and his wife to flee.

But the men … smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness … And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place … the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 19.10-13

And then all hell breaks loose.

The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. 19.24

Okay, so that's it. That is God's second mass murder.

But how many people did God smash and burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, I, of course, have no idea. I don't think any of this actually happened. But I'll guess 2000, 1000 from each city.

God's next killing: Lot's wife

All the Fat is the Lord's: What the Bible says about Fat People

First of all, it is important to understand that God really likes fat. So I suppose he likes fat people, too. (He's probably overweight himself.)

All the fat is the Lord's.-- Leviticus 3:16

Even God's sword is fat (and bloody).

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness. -- Isaiah 34:6

God likes fat animals, too. He plans to feed people to to them to make them even fatter.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ... Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth ... And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. -- Ezekiel 39:17-19

God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.)

The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 13:4

God makes liberals fat, too. (I guess religious liberals should be the fattest of all.)

The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25

If you trust God, he will make you fat. (So if you want to lose weight, don't trust him.)

He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 28:25

Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.)

The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat. -- Psalm 92:12-14

How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are fat and get plenty to eat; the wicked are the ones who go hungry.

The righteous eateth to the satisfying of his soul: but the belly of the wicked shall want.-- Proverbs 13:25

So don't bother with the diet. Trust in God and be good, righteous, diligent, an liberal. And fat.

The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth

God's first killing is hard to beat. He killed everything. Here's how he described it:

The LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Genesis 6.7

 Behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. 6.17 

Every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. 7.4 

All flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. 7.21-23

So the killing contest is over. God, in his very first killing, wins the prize. The guy who killed everything "on the face of the earth" is the world's top killer. He beats Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Ghengis Khan. All those guys. Maybe not in terms of the number killed, but certainly in percentage. You just can't beat 100%.

Of course, God had his reasons. God always has his reasons.

God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6
 The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. ... The earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. 6.11-13

Humans were wicked, they had bad thoughts, and the whole earth was violent and corrupt. So what's a good God to do?

Well, you might think he'd start a school to teach people how to behave, have them go to counseling, get them interested in other stuff -- like baseball or something. Anything to get their minds off their bad thoughts.

But no. God decided to drown them all. It was the best he could think of at the time. (He was having bad thoughts.)

The whole earth was filled with violence, so God killed everything on earth. (At least he found a nonviolent solution to the problem.)

Still, I don't quite get it. Did God drown the animals because they were too violent? Didn't he make them that way in the first place -- either at creation or after the fall of Adam?

But here is the excuse that I like the best:

God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6.6

And here's what God says after he finishes the job and smells the burning flesh of Noah's sacrifice.

The LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 8.21

God regrets making humans because they have bad thoughts. So he kills them all. Then he regrets killing them all because they (still) have bad thoughts. (At least he fixed the problem!)

The mind of God is a frightening thing.

Okay so God drowned every person on earth except for Noah and his family. How many would that be?

Well, the flood was supposed to have happened about 2400 BCE, and the human population was somewhere around 20 million at the time. (McEvedy and Jones 1978)

Not a bad start for a serial killer. 

Estimated number killed: 20 million

Everyone on earth (except for Noah and his family)

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God's next killing: Abraham's war to rescue Lot
List of God's killings

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Swear not at all: Obama, the Bible, and the second oath of office

Since some of the words were flubbed a bit the first time around, Obama took the oath of office a second time. This time without a bible.

Which is as it should be, for two reasons:

1. The Bible is not required by the constitution. In fact, it would be unconstitutional for Chief Justice Roberts to insist, or even suggest, that Obama use a Bible in the ceremony. That would imply a religious test for office, which is disallowed by Article VI, section 3.

2. A Christian who believes in the Bible shouldn't swear on one.

The Bible, of course, is worse than useless when it comes to consistent advice on morality. But the New Testament (to avoid confusion, ignore the Old Testament on this one) is pretty clear about one thing: Christians shouldn't swear. Not to God and not on the Bible or on anything else.

Here's what Jesus (supposedly) said about it:

But I say unto you, swear not at all; neither by heaven for it is God's throne; Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:34-37

And the Book of James condemns swearing "above all things." I guess that would make it the worst possible sin.

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation. James 5:12

It always seemed strange to me to swear on a book that is filled with lies.

I'm glad Obama got it right the second time around (except for the "So help me God" bullshit).