Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow

Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way: The Israelites "do evil in the sight of the Lord," so God sells them into slavery. Then "the children of Israel cried unto the LORD" and God kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites, this time around)

Here's the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree and he saw Gideon threshing some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.

And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour. Judges 6:12

And then God joined in.

And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee? ... And the LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man. Judges 6:14-16

(As always, the best way to picture this is to read the Brick Testament story.)

So Gideon has a three-way conversation with the angel and God, but he doesn't believe either of them. He demands a sign.

But first, he runs off to slaughter a goat. And then, guess what happened.

Then the angel of the LORD put forth the end of the staff ... and touched the flesh and the unleavened cakes; and there rose up fire out of the rock, and consumed the flesh and the unleavened cakes. Judges 6:19-21

Yep. The angel touched the bloody, dead goat and it burst into flames.

But it still didn't convince Gideon. He needed another sign to prove that God wasn't lying to him. So he put some wool on the ground and asked God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry.

And Gideon said unto God ... Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-37

And God passed that test, no sweat.

And it was so: for he rose up early on the morrow, and thrust the fleece together, and wringed the dew out of the fleece, a bowl full of water. Judges 6:38

Now you might think that would be enough proof for Gideon. But no. He's still not sure he can trust God, so he asks God to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry.

And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. Judges 6:39

And God did that trick, too!

So God passed all of Gideon's tests and Gideon and God got down to business. But first, they had to select some accomplices.

I'm not sure how this happened, but it always happens this way. The Israelites were enslaved, but somehow they managed to keep a huge, well-equipped army. I guess they did this so they'd be ready when they cry out to God and he decides to kill those guys that he sold them to.

Well, this time is no different. The Israelite slaves had a big army, too big, in fact, for God's liking. He worried that if they killed all the Midianites with that big of an army, nobody would believe that it was God that was doing the killing. And God wants all the credit for his killings.

The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me. Judges 7:2

So God tells Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying, Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him return and depart early from mount Gilead. And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand. Judges 7:3

That got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap the water "as a dog lappeth" are the natural-born killers that he's looking for, while those that got down on their knees to use a cup or their hands are fucking wusses that should be sent home.

So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink. And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men ... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. Judges 7:5-7

You see, God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

Now the Bible tells us that there were gazillions of Midianites. They were like grasshoppers. Like the sands of the seashore. Like that.
(Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses, and yet here, 200 years later, they flourish like grasshoppers "without number.")

And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude. Judges 7:12

Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midiantes with 300 water lappers?

No. Because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents, and that guy told some other guy about the dream that he had, and then later Gideon heard about it.

And ... behold, there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell, and overturned it, that the tent lay along. And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon the son of Joash, a man of Israel: for into his hand hath God delivered Midian, and all the host. And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshiped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian. Judges 7:13-15

But enough with the dreams. It's time to get down to killing. Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it, and tells them:

When I blow with a trumpet ... then blow ye the trumpets also on every side of all the camp, and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:18

And that's what they did.

And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal: and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon. Judges 7:20

Great idea, eh? But it didn't really do anything. It was God that did all the dirty work by forcing the gazillions of Amalekites to kill each other.

The LORD set every man's sword against his fellow. Judges 7:22

The story gets a bit confusing after that. Two princes are caught, decapitated, and their heads are brought to Gideon. The princes of Succoth question Gideon's leadership and he promises to come back and torture them later. (Which he did and then killed all the men in their city.) And Gideon tells his son to kill two kings, but ends up having to do it himself, since his son was a chicken-shit, cup-drinking, sit-down-pee-er.

But finally we are told that 120,000 were killed in the whole wet-fleece, water-lapping, trumpet-blowing, pitcher-smashing, the-Sword-of-the-Lord-and-of-Gideon episode.

There fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. Judges 8:10

Sorry that was so long. But at least now you know why the Gideons chose Gideon as their namesake.

They're fucking crazy.

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God's next killing: A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God’s evil spirit

Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull

In God's last killing, God “discomfited” the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It's not clear how God did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.)

But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he passed by Heber's tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.

Jael was Heber's wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a glass of water, and tucked him in for the night.

Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Judges 4.18-19

Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his head.

Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.4.21

OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on God?

Because God blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that God would take an active part.

The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. 4.9

After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.

Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be,
blessed shall she be above women.

He asked water, and she gave him milk;
she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.

She put her hand to the nail,
and her right hand to the workmen's hammer;

and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head,
when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 5.24-26

So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there's even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this:

Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....

Or maybe I’m confusing it with another prayer.

God's next killing: Gideon's story

Barak and God massacre the Canaanites

This is just another variation of the same stupid story. So if you've been following along, you can predict what's going to happen.

1. The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 4.1

 2. So God sells them into slavery.

The LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin … the captain of whose host was Sisera. 4.2 

3. The Israelites cry out to the Lord.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron. 4.3 

4. God slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to.

The LORD discomfited Sisera [the captain of King Jabin’s army], and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword … and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

This story is more interesting that most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama's first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.)

Here are the details about Barak.

After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone "came up to her for judgment."

Deborah, a prophetess … judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah … and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Judges 4.4-5

One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers and fight Sisera.

She sent and called Barak … and said unto him … the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying … take with thee ten thousand men … to … Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his multitude; and I will deliver him into thine hand. 4.6-7

Barak, who was a bit of a chicken shit, said:

Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. 4.8

Deborah said she'd go with him and they'd defeat Jabin's army (even though he had 900 iron chariots), and that God would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.

She said, I will surely go with thee … for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak. 4.9

So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in God's holy war. Guess what happens.

The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16

But Sisera somehow got away. Don't worry, though. God will take care of him in his next killing.
(Since the Bible doesn’t say how many were killed, I gave it the usual 1000.)

God's next killing: Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man’s skull

The Divine Guide is guiding the Conservative Bible Project

Here's a hot news item from Conservapedia.

Conservapedia was live on WNOX, "Knoxville's Big Talker," Tuesday morning at 7:05am ET for nearly an hour. The phone lines lit up during the show. One caller's statement: "People were guided by the Holy Spirit when they wrote the Bible." Answer: "People are guided by the Holy Spirit now too."

Yes, that's right, folks. The Holy Spirit is guiding Andy Schlafly and his friends as they remove the liberal bias from the Bible.

But I thought Andy renamed the Holy Spirit to Divine Guide! Which I guess would mean that the Divine Guide guided Andy to change its (his?) own name. (I wonder if Andy baptized him in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Divine Guide after renaming him.)

Still, Old What's-His-Name goes by two names at the Conservative Bible. In Mark his name is always "Divine Guide", but in John it's "Holy Spirit". I guess the Divine Guide hasn't quite made his mind up yet.

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad.

The entire story takes place in just one verse.
Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. "And he also delivered Israel."

Shamgar … slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31

The inspired storyteller obviously viewed this mass killing to be a glorious, noble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud's message from God (43).

But I suspect that God not only approved of this killing, he assisted with it. How else could one man kill 600 Philistines with a pointy stick?

God's next killing: Barak and God massacre the Canaanites