Woe is God.

Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! Micah 2:1

Thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil. Micah 2:3

2 Nephi 30: They shall be a white pure and delightsome people

In the last chapter, Nephi explained that God had written a new Bible, a Third Testament, "a marvelous work and a wonder," which we all know today as the Book of Mormon.

Here's how the Book of Mormon (the musical) explains it:

You all know the Bible is made of testaments old an new.
You've been told it's just those two parts,
or only one if you're a Jew.
But what if I were to tell you,
there's a fresh third part out there,
Which was found by a hip new prophet
who had a little Donny Osmond flair.

You've got to believe in the first two books or you will perish without covenanting with God.

Except ye shall keep the commandments of God ye shall all likewise perish. 2 Nephi 30:1

The Jews believe in the first but not the second, so god will cast them off.

As many of the Jews as will not repent shall be cast off; for the Lord covenanteth with none save it be with them that repent and believe in his Son. 2 Nephi 30:2

But believing in the first two is not enough; you also need to believe in the third book, as Nephi prophesied somewhat more about.

And now, I would prophesy somewhat more concerning the Jews and the Gentiles. For after the book of which I have spoken. 2 Nephi 30:3

Believing in these three books will not only get you saved, they will also turn your skin white (if God has cursed you with with dark skin) or make you delightsome (if you have become loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable by dwindling in unbelief).

And the gospel of Jesus Christ shall be declared among them ... and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:5-6

(Note: The Mormon Church changed the word "white" to "pure" to soften the obvious racism of this prophecy.)

Belief in these three books will whiten the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) and make the Jews a delightsome people.

And it shall come to pass that the Jews which are scattered also shall begin to believe in Christ; and they shall begin to gather in upon the face of the land; and as many as shall believe in Christ shall also become a delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:7

And it will work for you too, no matter how loathsome, filthy, idle, or abominable you are, or how dark your skin may be. You can become white and delightsome in God's eyes.

All you've got to do is believe.

The Shechem and Dinah love story/massacre

The story begins when Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, goes out to meet her Hivite neighbors.

Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.  Genesis 34:1

While she was visiting, a young Hivite man named Shechem saw her and immediately fell in love with her. (Well, maybe not immediately, but after he had sex with her, anyway. The Bible doesn't say whether it was consensual or not.)

And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her. And his soul clave unto Dinah ... and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. 34:2-3

Shechem told his father that he'd like to marry Dinah.

Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife. 34.4

So Hamor went to talk to Jacob about it.

And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him ... saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife. 34.6-8

Hamor suggested that the Hivites and the Israelites live together in peace, trading and intermarrying with one other. 

And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.  And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein. 34:9-10

Jacob didn't seem to care much about it, one way or another. But his sons did. It was all about the Hivite's penises.

The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, ... We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised. 34:13-14

The problem was that little flap of skin at the tip of the Hivite's penises. If they'd just cut that off, then they could all happily live together in peace.

But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised; Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people. 34:15-16

Hamor agrees to this. He, along with his son and all the male Hivites, will cut off that little flap of skin at the end of their penises as a sacrifice for peace. (Greater love hath no father than this, that he cut off his own foreskin for his son.)

And Hamor and Shechem his son ... communed with the men of their city, saying,  These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.  Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised. ... Let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us. 34:20-21

So Hamor, Shechem and every male Hivite cut off that little flap of skin that offends God so much.

And every male was circumcised. 34:24

And Dinah and Shechem were married and everyone lived happily ever after.

Just kidding.

Here's what actually happened.

And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob ... took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males. And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out. The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister. ... And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house. 34:25-29

Jacob's sons slaughtered Shechem, Hamor, and all the Hivite males while they were recovering from their circumcisions, and then stole their possessions and enslaved their wives.

But at least Hamor died for something worthwhile -- the happiness of his son and peace in the world. And thereby set a great example for Father's Day.

It's a nasty story, of course, but it isn't entirely clear, from the story in Genesis 34 anyway, what God had to do with it. And for that reason, I originally left it off the list of God's killings. However the deuterocanonical book of Judith clears all that up very nicely.

Here's what it says.

O Lord God of my father Simeon, who gavest him a sword to execute vengeance against strangers, who had defiled by their uncleanness, and uncovered the virgin unto confusion: And who gavest their wives to be made a prey, and their daughters into captivity ... who were zealous with thy zeal. Judith 9:2-3

So God not only approved of the Shechem massacre, he gave Simeon the sword to do it with.

Thank God for the Catholic Bible.

---

Since the Bible doesn't say how many Hivites were killed in this massacre, I just gave it the usual 1000 for a standard biblical massacre. But two victims were known by name (Shechem and Hamor), so I added 2 to the "biblical number" for God's killings.

God's next killing: Er for being wicked in the sight of the Lord

Three more ways that Muhammad is better than Jesus

In a previous post, I discussed the important question: who had the most powerful spit, Jesus or Muhammad?

But what about the other characteristics of Jesus and Mo?

Well, here are three more ways that the founders of the two largest religions can be compared. (Information about Muhammad is from the Ash-Shifa.)

1. Mo had pure women ancestors all the way back to Eve. 
   
   From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13
   
   A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13
   
   Jesus didn't. (His 47th or so great grandfather was the son of a prostitute.)
   
   It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. ... When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he said ... let me come in unto thee ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And  twins were in her womb. ... Pharez and Zarah. Genesis 38.13-28
   
   Jesus ... being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli ... [46 or so generations] ... which was the son of Phares. Luke 3.33
   
   

   

   Judas and Tamar (the mother of Pharez)

   
   
2. Mo was born already circumcised. 
   
   When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut. … He was clean when he was born. p.46
   
   Jesus wasn't. 
   
   When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS.  Luke 2:21
   
   

   

   The circumcision of Jesus

   
   
3. Mo was endowed with the sexual power of forty men and had sex with all of his wives every night. 
   
   There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56
   
   In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56
   
   Jesus never married (although he plans to get married someday) and had sex with no one. 
   
    The marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7
   
   And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife. Revelation 21:9
   
   

   

   Jesus' bride making herself ready

What the Bible Says About Alcohol

Recently, a woman who was convicted of drunk driving was sentenced to do some jail time -- and some Bible study. So it got me thinking about what the Bible has to say about alcohol.

Here's what I found.

1. Noah was the first drunk (and naked), just and perfect, preacher of righteousness. (God approves of drunk and naked preachers. Just don't look get caught looking at them. -- See Genesis 9:24-25)
   

   Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. Genesis 9:20-21

   Noah was a just man and perfect ... and Noah walked with God. Genesis 6:9

   The LORD said unto Noah ... thee have I seen righteous. Genesis 7:1

   God ... saved Noah ... a preacher of righteousness, bringing in the flood upon the world of the ungodly. 2 Peter 2:5

2. Lot, the just and righteous, got drunk and impregnated his daughters. (Just and righteous fathers occasionally do that sort of thing.)
   

   Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him ... and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-36

   God ... delivered just Lot ... that righteous man. 2 Peter 2:4-8

3. God drinks wine and it makes him happy. It'll work for you too.
   

   Wine ... cheereth God and man. Judges 9:13

   Wine ... maketh glad the heart of man. Psalms 104:15

4. God is great. He cheers the young men with corn and the maids with wine.
   

   How great is his goodness, and how great is his beauty! corn shall make the young men cheerful, and new wine the maids. Zechariah 9:17

5. God gave us plenty of wine, so I guess we should drink it.
   

   God gave thee ... plenty of ... wine. Genesis 27:28

6. Don't drink water. Drink wine instead. (For your stomach's sake)
   

   Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. 1 Timothy 5:23

7. But don't drink the wine of Sodom and Gomorrah; it is the poison of dragons.
   

   For their vine is of the vine of Sodom, and of the fields of Gomorrah: their grapes are grapes of gall, their clusters are bitter: Their wine is the poison of dragons. Deuteronomy 32:32-33

8. And don't drink wine in bowls.
   

   Woe to them ... that drink wine in bowls. Amos 6:1-6

9. Or let any holy flesh touch wine or it won't be holy any more. (The flesh, I think, not the wine)
   

   Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ask now the priests concerning the law, saying, If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch ... wine ... shall it be holy? Haggai 2:11-12

10. In case you were wondering, there will be wine in heaven.
    

    I [Jesus] will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom. Matthew 26:29

11. Here's a nice verse to quote at parties.
    

    Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16

12. If you get drunk and run out of wine, weep and howl.
    

    Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth. Joel 1:5

13. And ask Jesus' mom to help you.
    

    And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine. ... His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it. ... Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim. And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it. When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine ... the governor  of the feast called the bridegroom, And saith unto him,Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now. John 2:2-10

14. There is one time, though, when you shouldn't drink -- when going to church.  (If you do, God will kill you.)
    

    Do not drink wine nor strong drink ... when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations.
    Leviticus 10:9

15. Be sure to give God a quarter (or a third or a half) hin of wine for a drink offering now and then. (A hin is about 4 liters.)
    

    Now this is that which thou shalt offer upon the altar ... the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering. Exodus 29:38-40

    And ye shall offer ... unto the LORD ... wine, the fourth part of an hin.Leviticus 23:12-13

    His offering unto the LORD ... the fourth part of an hin of wine for a drink offering. Numbers 15:4-5

    For a drink offering thou shalt offer the third part of an hin of wine. Numbers 15:7

    Thou shalt bring for a drink offering half an hin of wine, for ... a sweet savour unto the LORD. Numbers 15:10

    Their drink offerings shall be half an hin of wine. Numbers 28:14

16. David once gave a large bottle of wine to every man and woman in Israel.  (And since David did right in the eyes of the Lord, it must have been OK to drink it.)
    

    David ... dealt to every one of Israel, both man and woman, ... a flagon of wine. -- 1 Chronicles 16:2-3

17. If you give money to God, he'll give you lots of wine.
    

    Honour the LORD with thy substance ... and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. -- Proverbs 3:9-10

18. Some lips are like wine that goes down sweetly and makes sleeping people talk.
    

    And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. Song of Solomon 7:9

19. If you see God flying over you blowing a trumpet, drink some wine and make a wine-like noise.
    

    And the LORD shall be seen over them ... and the LORD God shall blow the trumpet ... and they shall drink, and make a noise as through wine. Zechariah 9:14-15

20. Sometimes God sends a perverse spirit that makes people act drunk, "as a drunken man staggereth in his own vomit."
    

    The LORD hath mingled a perverse spirit in the midst thereof: they have caused Egypt to err in every work thereof, as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit. Isaiah 19:14

21. God will make everyone drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together."
    

    Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Every bottle shall be filled with wine ... I will fill all the inhabitants of this land ... with drunkenness. And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them. Jeremiah 13:12-14

22. God will force all nations to drink from his wine cup of fury. It will make them drunk and crazy; then he'll kill them all with a sword.
    

    For thus saith the LORD God of Israel unto me; Take the wine cup of this fury at my hand, and cause all the nations, to whom I send thee, to drink it.
    And they shall drink, and be moved, and be mad, because of the sword that I will send among them. Jeremiah 25:15-16

    Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you.
    And it shall be, if they refuse to take the cup at thine hand to drink, then shalt thou say unto them, Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Ye shall certainly drink. Jeremiah 25:27-28

    Babylon hath been a golden cup in the LORD's hand, that made all the earth drunken: the nations have drunken of her wine; therefore the nations are mad. Jeremiah 51:7

    I will make them drunken ... saith the LORD. I will bring them down like lambs to the slaughter, like rams with he goats. Jeremiah 51:39-40

23. God will force the Babylonians to get so drunk that they die from alcohol poisoning.
    

    I will make drunk her princes, and her wise men, her captains, and her rulers, and her mighty men: and they shall sleep a perpetual sleep, and not wake, saith the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts. Jeremiah 51:57

24. On the day of the Lord, God's sword will become drunk with blood. (If God's sword can get drunk with blood, it's probably OK for you to have a beer now and then.)
    

    For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

25. God will feed the bodies of the people he has killed to the birds and beasts, who will become drunk on their blood.
    

    Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ... come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you
    ... that ye may ... drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:17-19

26. Someday we'll all get drunk on the wine of the whore of Babylon's fornication. (So there's that to look forward to.)
    

    With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication. Revelation 17:2

27. So drink or don't drink. It's your choice.
    
    In either case, now you know what the Bible says about it.