Five Golden Hemorrhoids: A Biblically Correct Version of The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

A Goddamned Fruitless Fig Tree

And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. ... And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. Mark 11:13-20

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Two hundred foreskins

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:25-28

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Three naked years

At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Four-footed fowls

All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Five golden hemorrhoids

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land ... And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. 1 Samuel 6:4-11

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Six-winged beasts

And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes. Revelation 4:8

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Seven bloody sprinkles

The priest shall dip his finger in the blood, and sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:6, 4:17

And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times. Leviticus 14:50-51

And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat ... seven times. Leviticus 16:14

And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times. Leviticus 16:19

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Eight bodies burning

But the fearful (1), and unbelieving (2), and the abominable (3), and murderers (4), and whoremongers (5), and sorcerers (6), and idolaters (7), and all liars (8), shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

A nine cubit bed

Only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead ... nine cubits was the length thereof. Deuteronomy 3:11

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

The tenth plague of Egypt

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Eleven hardened hearts

1. And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:11

2. And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. Exodus 7:3

3. And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Exodus 7:13

4. And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses. Exodus 9:12

5. And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1

6. But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.Exodus 10:20

7. But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.Exodus 10:27

8. And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. Exodus 11:10

9. And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4

10. And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued after the children of Israel Exodus 14:8

11. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour.Exodus 14:17

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Twelve concubine pieces

So the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was ... and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:25-29