My last post listed the top ten biblical plagues, one of which involved five golden hemorrhoids. Since that probably bothered a lot of you, I thought I'd tell more about it.
It all started when the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites and brought it to the city of Ashdod. They put the ark in the temple next to their god, Dagon. The next day they found Dagon face-down on the floor. So they put Dagon back up again, but they found him on the floor again the next day with his hands and head cut off. The Bible tells us (1 Samuel 5:5) that no one ever went into that temple again.
But God was just messing around with Dagon. Next he gets down to serious business by striking the people of Ashdod with emerods (hemorrhoids).
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods. 1 Samuel 5:6
The people of Ashdod figure it's the God of the Israelites that is smiting them with hemorrhoids (who else would do something like that?), so they try to get rid of the damn ark, since God seems so pissed off about it. So they send it to the city of Gath, which didn't work out too well for the Gathites.
The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9
And the Gathites packed up the ark and sent it to the next city, Ekron, with much the same result.
There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 1 Samuel 5:11-12
Finally, the Philistines ask their priests if they have any ideas. The priests tell them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as a trespass offering, put the ark and the trespass offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it is God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
Since that sounded like such a reasonable plan, that's what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh "and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left." So the world now knows for sure that it was God who had killed the Philistines by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them. (A God's gotta do what a God's gotta do.)
And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 1 Samuel 6:19
Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.