Michele Bachmann's favorite Bible story: Jonathan and his gay companion slaughter the entire Philistine army

No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.

Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)

And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.

Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).

And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.

But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

Doug Wilson quotes Ezekiel 23:20 (NSFW)

"Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." Ezekiel 23:19-21

Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer

Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.

You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."

Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.

Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.

But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.

You can register for the conference here.

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Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'

Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination

Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue

The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?

Those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.

Here's why.

It all has to do with the question that Byron York asked Michele Bachmann at the debate last Thursday night.

In 2006, when you were running for Congress, you described a moment in your life when your husband said you should study for a degree in tax law. You said you hated the idea, and then you explained: "But the Lord said, be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husband." As president, would you be submissive to your husband?

It was a surprisingly fair and balanced question for a debate sponsored by Fox News.

Ms. Bachmann didn't answer the question, of course. Instead she said that she respected her husband and was proud of their 28 kids.

And yet she believes she should be submissive to her husband in everything, as though he were God himself. She believes this because she believes in the Bible and the Bible says exactly that.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1

Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5

So a vote for Michelle Bachmann is not a vote for her; it's a vote for her husband, Marcus.

And that might be OK with Bachmann's supporters. Marcus is, by all accounts, as bat-shit crazy as his wife. He loves Jesus just as much as she does (maybe even more).

But to vote for Marcus you must vote for Michele, which is something the Bible does not permit.

I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14

A woman president would have authority over men, and thereby cause the word of God to be blasphemed. (If, as Doug Wilson says, Titus 2:5 means anything.)

So those who agree with Michele Bachmann shouldn't vote for her.
(Neither, of course, should anyone else.)

What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'

As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

Jesus Christ: The Former Mighty Warrior of the United States Air Force

The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.

Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.

And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.

Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.

He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.

Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!

The Exodus 30:15 debt limit "compromise"

The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel. Exodus 30:15

OK, it might take more than half a shekel (~ $10) from each US taxpayer, but you get the idea. Each of us pays the same, whether rich or poor.

Take the military, for example. Each of the 100.6 million full-time employees chips in $6810 this year and we've got the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya paid for. No sweat.

Then to pay off the debt (caused by unfunded wars and tax cuts for the wealthy), we each throw in another $142,000 or so. A piece of cake.

It might be a bit rough for for the average worker making $39,000 a year, but Oh well. We must protect our "Job Creators" (wealthy people).

The Bible tells us so.