21 September 2006

Biblical Justice: Everybody must get stoned

(To the tune of Bob Dylan's "Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35")

Well, they'll stone you if you touch the holy things.

Whosoever toucheth the mount shall be surely put to death. Exodus 19:13

They'll stone you if you take accursed things.

Achan ... took of the accursed thing. ... And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. ... So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. Joshua 7:1-26

They'll stone you if you curse or blaspheme.

And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16

They'll stone you if you're raped and do not scream.

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

Well, they'll stone you if you're an ox and gore a human.

If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned. Exodus 21:28

They'll stone you if you marry when not a virgin.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. ... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

They'll stone you if you worship other gods.

If there be found among you ... that ... hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them ... Then shalt thou ... tone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers ... thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:5-10

They'll stone you if you disobey your Pa.

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother ... Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city ... And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

They'll stone you if you if you're a wizard or a witch.

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

They'll stone you if you give Molech your kids.

Whosoever ... giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. Leviticus 20:2

They'll stone you if you if you're a sabbath breaker.

They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. ... And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones.... And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. Numbers 15:32-56

They'll stone you if you curse the dictator.

Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die. 1 Kings 21:10

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.


Ritchie Annand said...

That was pretty inspired *laugh*.

I'm glad it hasn't been a feature of the Western world per se for an extremely long time, but it's pretty sad that the proud tradition is still carried on in a few countries under Sharia law.

There's a link from Wikipedia with, as they say on the site, disturbing video of stoning happening in Iran.

I don't have the 'stones' to watch it, really :/

howling said...

What else can they do when they run out of stones? Oh, well. They can bomb you or gas you, better yet crap at you, although I still prefer when people just get stoned. Right on.

godisajokeDOTcom said...

Steve, it is said a woman loves a man with a sense of humor. I am a woman. You are a man--with a wicked sense of humor. You do the math :)

Anonymous said...

They'll stone you if you if you're a witch or a wizard.

They'll stone you if you give Molech your children.

The rhyme, such as it is, might work better thus:

"They'll stone you if you're a wizard or a witch;
They'll stone you if you give Molech your kids."

It's the one couplet of yours that doesn't quite fit, otherwise.

Steve Wells said...

Yeah, you're right. The wizard-Molech thing didn't work too well.

I've changed it to

"They'll stone you if you're a wizard or a witch;
They'll stone you if you give Molech your kids."

as you suggested. Thanks!

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

You should add this video to your post.

beepbeepitsme said...

"Everybody Must Get Stoned"

Anonymous said...

I was a little disappointed by the title. I read the article link 'Everyone should get stoned' not realising it was about religion : D

Brucker said...

That's freaking awesome!

Brother Slawson said...

Quite creative. I like the tune mixed with the themes. It got me to thinking though... how this "stoning civilization" compared to other "civilizations" at the time. Perhaps my history is a little off... but it seems having a list of rules, with consequences, and in writing... was quite advanced for the time period. Just a thought...

Michael said...

Stone with cannabis, instead.

Make peace, end war.

Jeffrey Stingerstein said...

Amazing. That was truly amazing. This is a great site!! I have linked you to my site: www.DisillusionedWords.com

Keep up the great work!!

Ginasong said...

Have you noticed that every single account about stoning posted is from the Old Testament? Yet, the most famous account in the Bible is actually from the New Testament but it doesn't fit in with the point the blogger is wanting to make because the one stoned to death is a Christian. His name was Stephen and he saw a vision of Jesus standing up for him in heaven while he was being stoned. It was the non-Christians who stoned him. And yes, that does fit right in with what happens even today in Iran. If you don't believe me, you can actually see live video of it. But you won't find a video of a real Christian stoning anyone, yet Old Testament scriptures are being used here to refute Christianity. Interesting, but it still doesn't make you, the blogger not accountable because you knowingly twisted Bible facts.

foreverdrone said...

That's the "most famous" account?

What about when Jesus dispels the mob, saying:

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Ah, but the account of Stephen's vision of Christ while being stoned is so much more well-known! I must be a statistical oddity, having never heard of it until now.

I wonder, then, why this other passage hasn't also been the source of a familiar figure of speech, i.e. "cast the first stone."

Another puzzling phenomenon: how Christians excuse Jehovah's bloodthirsty and genocidal ways, saying, "Well, that was the Old Testament." Yet the Bible--divinely inspired in its entirety, so I've been told--still includes both the Old and New Testaments, so far as I know.

Ginasong said...

I was referring to the most famous accounts of people actually getting stoned. The account you refer to is about Jesus and is famous but it is not about anyone actually getting stoned.
The second point you make about God supposedly being bloodthirsty and how Christians try to "excuse" Him.
Well, that's a good point and it does take some study of the Bible to know why God wanted some people destroyed. We learn in early Genesis that "sons of men" came down and had sex with the women of the earth and produced offspring. Many believe these were the "gods" of mythology. The Bible even alludes to this also.
Anyway, this offspring was wicked being the product of disobedient angels who had turned from God. They were the ones who were bloodthirsty, many times sacrificing their own children. That is why God wanted them destroyed. They were only here to corrupt the earth and destroy God's creation like their leader, Satan.
Yet, the O.T. is not the only place where blood is spilled in a horrible manner. God's own Son, Jesus, was murdered. Man is so sinful, God had to make a way--an atonement for sin by the blood of Jesus. Through this covering, we are protected from the evil one who is still trying to destroy the world (and yes, it still is a bloody place full of evil.) We are united with God as His sons and daughters by the blood of Jesus. Praise God for His wonderful gift and that He cared that much for His creation.

C Woods said...

I loved this ---but now I can't get that tune out of my head.

Bob said...


Somebody should record it and put it on Youtube.


"All You Need Is LOve"
John Winston Lennon

shaunschon said...

Ginasong, what you're implying is that the god in the bible was too impotent or conceited to just forgive the sins of us sinners, but due to some sadomasochistic nature decided to send his son and kill him to save those sins. Does that really make any sense? Are you on drugs? You mention wicked beings being blood thirsty and ready to kill their own children, to me that sounds more like Abraham so blinded by religion that he was ready to slaughter his own child, and like Moses and the others quick to order the slaughter of races they conquered.

In the context of your other point, yes the Old testament is shockingly dark and with a god that is dubiously akin to a devil. So do Christians reject the old testament? Are you selective Christians? --- oooh I don't like this bit, it doesn't sound right but this bit sounds nice let me follow this not that... Sounds like a bunch of hypocrites governed by double standards to me.
And talking about the pagan gods of mythology. I hope you realize that Christianity has it's roots in pagan religions of the Mediterranean. The only difference between Christianity and the earlier religions was that they came and went, thus becoming mythology, while Christianity is simply a fossilized remnant of those myths.

Shawna said...

I'd like to get... oh, wrong kind of stoned. Damn.

Srinivasan said...

I second shaunschon's comment. Christianity is really a sun worship cult. Winter solistice used to be on Dec 25th some 2000 years ago, which is now celebrated as the birthday of Jesus. Oh, at one time, winter solistice used to occur on Jan 1st, hence the double dates of his alleged birth. Easter is a pre-Christian pagan harvest festival marking the spring equinox. The Son = the sun.

Demarlos said...

No heavenly father that is also all-good and benevolent would call for the stoning of anything. A perfect, omnipotent being would have found another way. As it stands, the god of the holy bible is flawed, defected, and has committed more sins than any one man could commit in a lifetime. He is morally, and might I add, intellectually bankrupt which very clearly reflects humanity's greatest weaknesses. Love is defined as the unselfish, loyal and benevolent concern for another. The god of the holy bible lacks this quality. Period.

Bethany said...

WOW! That was great! Not because I'm stoned...

ROFLMAO. Thank you!

Paul HPN said...

I will get stoned and record this for YouTube!
I realise I'm a bit late to the party but that doesn't change the quality of this ditty!
Love it!

Steve Wells said...

That's great, Paul HPN. Let me know when you get it done and I'll post a link to it.

Jeff said...

"What about when Jesus dispels the mob, saying:

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

A beautiful story, but for the inconvenience of the fact it never happened. The oldest, most reliable manuscripts of the Gospel of John do not contain John 7:53-8:11. It was added centuries later.

Jeff said...

Also FYI, Steve, the first line of the third verse has an extra "if you."

Steve Wells said...

Thanks Jeff. I think it's corrected now.

Sophie Amrain said...

Brother Slawson asked a few years ago: It got me to thinking though... how this "stoning civilization" compared to other "civilizations" at the time. Perhaps my history is a little off... but it seems having a list of rules, with consequences, and in writing... was quite advanced for the time period. Just a thought....

Here is a belated answer. This stoning civilization was rather backwards for the time period. There have been rules and laws over thousand years earlier, e.g. the code of Hammurabi, and, even earlier, the code of Ur-Nammu from 2100 years before Christ. So rules of law were nothing new at the time the Biblical rules were written down (5th to 7th century before Christ for Leviticus).

And the code of Ur-Nammu, the oldest laws known, is in several respects more civilized than the biblical law, death penalty is used much more sparingly.