04 June 2018

The Masterpiece Cakeshop and Leviticus 20:13

Today the Supreme Court of the United States decided in favor of the Masterpiece Cakeshop, saying that the government “cannot act in a manner that passes judgment upon or presupposes the illegitimacy of religious beliefs and practices” and that the state of Colorado's anti-discrimination law “was neither tolerant nor respectful of [baker Jack] Phillips’ religious beliefs.”

But the baker's religious beliefs are based on the Bible, and the Bible says nothing at all about baking (or not baking) cakes for same-sex couples. It does, however, have a few commandments about homosexuality, the most important of which is commandment 555:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

So the Bible commands the baker (and everyone else who believes in the Bible) to do more than refuse to bake a cake for two men who are getting married; it commands him to kill them.

And so, according to the reasoning of the court, the government may not pass judgement on the religious belief and practice commanded in Leviticus 20:13. We must be tolerant and respectful of Bible believers as they execute homosexuals for committing an abomination before God.

27 November 2017

What should Roy Moore do? (According to the Bible)

The Bible has something to say about Roy Moore's situation. It's right there in Exodus 22, just before the part about killing witches.
And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.

If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. Exodus 22:16-17

The teenage girls that Roy Moore molested were clearly unmarried --"unbetrothed maids" in the King James Bible. The only real question is whether or not he "lied" with them.

If he didn't, then there is no problem, biblically speaking. He could do whatever he wanted to do with and to them, as long as he didn't "lie" with them.

If he did "lie" with them, then Mr. Moore has two options: marry them, if their fathers will give them to him; or pay the fathers the going rate for virgins. (Since this isn't specified in the Bible, I suggest that Mr. Moore pay the standard biblical value for females between 5 and 20 years old: 10 shekels of silver, which comes to $62.37 per virgin in today's currency.)

In his interview with Sean Hannity, Moore said he doesn't "remember ever dating any girl without the permission of her mother." But that is totally irrelevant from a biblical perspective. In the Bible, mother's don't matter. Neither do their daughters. Only the fathers count. And that's who Roy Moore should be dealing with.

He can make everything right by paying each of the fathers just $62.37 per virgin.

It's the biblically correct thing to do.

31 July 2017

The Bible's Guide to Health Care

First of all, if you get sick, it's your own damned fault. (God made you sick for ignoring his voice, doing wrong in his sight, and/or ignoring his commandments.)
If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee. Exodus 15:26
If you do something evil and God punishes you with sickness, rely on faith-based medicine. Prayer and faith alone will cure you.
These signs shall follow them that believe ... they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. James 5:14-15

For as it says in the Psalms,
The Lord ... healeth all thy diseases. Psalm 103:2-3

And as Jesus said to the woman who touched his garment,

Thy faith hath made thee whole. Matthew 9:22, Mark 5:34, Luke 8:48
If faith alone doesn't cure you, try touching your religious leader's handkerchief or shadow or something.
So that from his [Paul's] body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. Acts 19:12

They brought forth the sick into the streets, and laid them on beds and couches, that at the least the shadow of Peter passing by might overshadow some of them ... and they were healed every one. Acts 5:15-16

Or use the lump-of-figs cure. (It was one of Isaiah's favorites.)
And Isaiah said, Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered. 2 Kings 20:7
If you have too little faith for any these remedies, purchase some bible-based medical insurance. Several plans are available.
  • The Paul Plan. (A holy man falls on and embraces your dead body.)
    Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him ... And they brought the young man alive. Acts 20:10-12
  • The Elijah Plan (A holy man stretches himself on your dead body three times.)
    He [Elijah] stretched himself upon the child three times. ... and the soul of the child came into him again, and he revived. 1 Kings 17:21-22
  • The Elisha I Plan (Similar to the other two, but a bit more involved. A holy man lies on your dead body while he puts his mouth on your mouth, his eyes on your eyes, his hands on your hands, and stretches himself on you. This will cause your flesh to warm. Then, after he walks to and fro and stretches himself on you one more time, you'll rise from the dead and sneeze seven times.)
    When Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead.... And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes. 2 Kings 4:34-35
  • The Elisha II Plan (Ask that your dead body touch the bones of a dead prophet.)
    As they were burying a man ... when the man was let down, and touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet. 2 Kings 13:21

But whatever you do, don't go to a doctor. God is insulted if you trust science more than faith.

And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. 2 Chronicles 16:12

30 July 2017

A Biblical Solution to the Health Care Crisis: Faith-based medicine (for Republicans)

(Re-post for the current health care debate)

A few years ago Garrison Keillor suggested a way to solve our health care crisis, and it's even more relevant today: impose faith-based medicine on all Republicans. That would reduce, by at least a third, the total US health care cost, while encouraging (okay, requiring) the religious right (and those who go along with them) to practice their faith.

Here's how it would work (with biblical justification, of course).

Sick republicans would ask their religious leaders to pray for them (and maybe get anointed with Crisco oil).

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. --James 5:14-15

Or, if they choose, they can try touching their religious leader's handkerchief or something.

So that from his [Paul's] body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. -- Acts 19:12

But under the faith-based medical plan, Republicans would not be allowed to go to a doctor. Because God is insulted when they trust science more than faith.

And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. -- 2 Chronicles 16:12
As Garrison Keillor said
Let them try faith-based medicine, let them pray for their arteries to be reamed and their hips to be restored, and leave science to the rest of us.

What the Bible says about Masturbation

As you may have noticed, the SAB website has been having troubles lately. There were some links in the old html code (I created it back in 1999) that were causing the site to load slowly, and sometimes not load at all. So I spent the last couple weeks removing offending links and cleaning up the pages a bit. I think I've got most of it working okay now, except for some of the "What the Bible says About" pages - which I'm fixing and revising now.

Here's one that I just revised.


What the Bible says about Masturbation

Every sperm is sacred, so don't spill any on the ground. (Or God will kill you.)
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:9-10
If God doesn't kill you, then be sure to wash up thoroughly afterwards.
And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. Leviticus 15:16
After washing up, pluck out an eye and cut off a hand. (It's better to lose an eye and hand than to have your whole body cast into hell.)
Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30