25 September 2008

The Palin-McCain Economic Plan: The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous

Here's a quote from Thomas Muthee, Sarah Palin's witch-hunting spiritual guide.

The second area that God wants to penetrate in our society is the economic area. The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous [Proverbs 13:22]. It is high time that we have top Christian business men, business women, bankers ... running the economic affairs of our nation. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of the transformation.

So that's why Sarah Palin supports the 700 billion dollar bailout! It takes money from the wicked and gives it to all those righteous Christian bankers, just like it says we should do in Proverbs. It is all part of God's plan.

Here's the video. (The quoted portion begins at 1:20. If you watch to the end you can see Muthee free Sarah Palin of witchcraft.)

22 September 2008

Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit

Poor Sarah is in trouble again. This time for charging rape victims up to $1000 for rape kits while she was mayor of Wasilla.

But people should just leave Sarah Palin alone. She was only trying to faithfully apply the Bible's laws on rape. And that's not easy to do in a small town like Wasilla.

You see, the Bible has two laws on rape: one for city rape

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. -- Deuteronomy 22:23-24

and one for country rape.

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die. ... For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. -- Deuteronomy 22:25-27

But which law applies in Wasilla, which is neither city nor country? What do you do with a rape victim in a small town with small town values? Stone her to death for not crying out loudly enough or force her to marry her rapist?

In either case, Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit is more likely to include stones or wedding certificates than free medical examinations.

18 September 2008

The Bible and Islam agree: God hates mice (That includes you, Mickey!)

You've probably heard the news about Mickey Mouse: He's a soldier of Satan that should be killed on sight. Or so said Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, and he should know. I'll let him tell you about it.

So I couldn't help myself. I had to look in the Quran to see what it had to say about mice.

And do you know what I found? Nothing. Nada. The Quran doesn't mention mice. (Although the Hadith does. See here and here.)

But the Bible does. And it agrees with the Sheikh about them.

First of all mice are unclean to God (so they should be to you, too).

These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse.... Leviticus 11:29

It's true, of course, that many animals are unclean to God. But God is especially disgusted by mice. Here's what he said about them in Isaiah.

For, behold, the LORD will come with fire, and with his chariots like a whirlwind, to render his anger with fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire. For by fire and by his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD. Isaiah 66:15-17

So mice and pigs are just about the most disgusting things God can think of. And he's got quite an imagination.

You remember the story about the five golden hemorrhoids, don't you? Well the same story includes five golden mice. No kidding.

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.
And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.
And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD ... And the golden mice.... 1 Samuel 6:4-18

God told the Philistines to make golden images of his least favorite things: hemorrhoids and mice. You see it was kind of a divine joke. It was really funny to God. (Laugh or he'll give you a disease that will make your bowels fall out.)

Clearly then, God hates mice just as much as Allah, Muhammad, and the Sheikh do.

So you Bible believers should stop laughing at the Muslims and proudly join the Fatwah against Mickey. (Or God may have to give you hemorrhoids in your secret parts.)

16 September 2008

The only book Mariah Carey has ever read . . .

... is the Bible.

And here is one of her favorite verses. (From the song "I wish you well")

Judgments are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools. Proverbs 19:29

Has she come out for McCain and Palin yet?
(Maybe she'd let them use "I'll be lovin' U long time" as their theme song.)

12 September 2008

Victoria Jackson: Vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin or God will force you to eat your children

The (batshit crazy) celebrities are starting to line up for John McCain, now that Sarah Palin has joined the ticket. Here, for example, is what Victoria Jackson (former SNL cast member) says on her home page:
Thank you God above for giving us George W. Bush, and for giving us John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Why am I voting for the fantastic McCain/Palin ticket? Simply because my "world view" is based on the belief that The Bible is the inerrant, holy, Word of God....

You see, Obama just isn't Christian enough for Victoria Jackson. Here's her advice for him:
Obama, call me. I'll explain Christianity to you.

Maybe you'll get saved and start loving unborn babies.

Maybe, but probably not, since he looks a lot like the Anti-Christ.
I don't want a political label, but Obama bears traits that resemble the anti- Christ...
But the part I like best is when she explains Leviticus to us.
I was reading the other day in Leviticus 26:3-13, and Leviticus 26:14-25 and on, where God was warning the Israelites to obey him. In Lev. 26:14-16 it even says, "...if you despise my statutes...I will even appoint terror over you." I couldn't help but see a parallel to our country which was founded on the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.
See what Obama could learn by calling Ms. Jackson? Terrorists are just God's way of punishing us for not loving him enough. It's all spelled out in Leviticus 26.
But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:14-16

Listen up, America! If you don't elect John McCain and Sarah Palin, God will "appoint terror" over you and feed your children to the terrorists. (And if wasn't for George Bush keeping your sorry ass safe the last 7 years, your eyes would be rotting in their sockets and some Muslim would be chewing on your kid right now.)

But that's not the worst of it. As Victoria notes on her homepage, God's plans in Leviticus 26 go on and on and on. Elect McCain and Palin or:

  1. Ye shall be slain before your enemies. Leviticus 26:17

  2. They that hate you shall reign over you. 26:17

  3. I will punish you seven times more for your sins. 26:18

  4. I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins. 26:21

  5. I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. 26:22

  6. Then ... I... will punish you yet seven times for your sins. (That makes 24 or so, I've lost count. Ask Victoria.) 26:24

  7. And I will bring a sword upon you. 26:25

  8. I will send the pestilence among you. 26:25

  9. Ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. 26:25

  10. And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied. (I'm not sure what this means. But it sounds serious.) 26:26

  11. I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. (That makes 35, I think.) 26:26

  12. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. 26:27

So for the sake of your children, elect John McCain and Sarah Palin. Otherwise God will force you to eat them (your chldren, that is, not John and Sarah).

10 September 2008

I guess I'm famous now

Yup, Yup. (And I'm also totally ready to be president.)

To be honest, I'd never heard of Nontheist Nexus before -- before they asked me for an interview, anyway.

Last year it was Playboy, now this. Just like Sarah Palin, I'm definitely going up in the world.

09 September 2008

Unfortunately, Barack, they are that stupid

Most of them, anyway -- and that's all it takes to win an election.

How stupid are Americans, you ask? Well, more than half believe in the literal truth of a book they've never read -- the Bible. It's their favorite book.

I think Sarah Palin will clinch the election for McCain. She's good looking and she believes stupid things. What more could a stupid person ask for?

07 September 2008

Sarah Palin: A modern day Esther gone wild

Soon after becoming the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin asked her former pastor (Paul Riley of the Wasilla Assembly of God) to suggest a woman from the Bible that she should emulate. Pastor Riley suggested Esther, and the governor took his advice and hasn't looked back since.

Of course there aren't many good examples for women in the Bible. Women are seldom mentioned, and when they are they are seldom named, and when they're named they seldom do anything except have men come in unto them, after which they get pregnant and deliver baby boys, unless God has closed up their wombs for one reason or another.

But the good pastor chose Esther and it's spooky how much Palin resembles her.

(OK, the hair is a little different and Esther didn't wear glasses, but otherwise it's a match.)

And the similarity goes way beyond looks. Here's the story of the biblical Esther.

King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11

Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19

Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4

When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17

Now I ask you, what does that story remind you of? Of course! The Republican National Convention in St. Paul.

John McCain was king and Sarah Palin was Esther. But who was Vashti, the real heroine of the story?

Rudy Giuliani, perhaps?

Nah, Rudy would have gladly danced naked if John McCain had just asked. (He was certainly willing to lie for him.)

For a more serious and thorough analysis of the Palin/Esther connection, see here.