29 June 2010

Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow

Last time we learned that Iblis (pbuh) became the first disbeliever by refusing to worship Adam.

We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. 2:34

From that quote, I got the impression that Iblis was an angel, but I was told in the comments that that is incorrect. Iblis is not an angel; he's a jinn. Which is a different thing entirely. (A jinn is a creature made from fire that has free will. Angels are messengers of Allah that have no free will. Elves are small semi-divine beings with pointy ears.)

Still, I'm not convinced. Sometimes Iblis is called an angel in the Quran, and sometimes a jinn. And sometimes he seems to be both angel and jinn. (Is Iblis an angel or a jinn?)

But on with our story, such as it is.

Verses 35-38 repeat the Bible's story about Adam and the Garden of Eden (though the Quran doesn't call it that), with the talking serpent replaced by Satan.

Then Allah throws out his favorite line, where he tells us what he has planned for disbelievers. It's almost as common in the Quran as "And it came to pass" is in the Book of Mormon.

But they who disbelieve, and deny Our revelations, such are rightful Peoples of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:39

A few verses later Allah says something good (the first good thing in the Quran). Don't hide the truth with falsehood.

Confound not truth with falsehood, nor knowingly conceal the truth.2:42

Then Allah gets back to hiding truth with falsehood.

But first he warns you about a time when he will refuse all prayers and help no one.

Guard yourselves against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from it, nor will compensation be received from it, nor will they be helped. 2:48

Then, in verses 59-63, Allah repeats more nonsense from the Bible. Remember how he drowned the Egyptians, gave Moses the Law, and whatnot? How you worshiped the calf?

And how Allah told you to kill yourself?

And when Moses said unto his people: O my people! Ye have wronged yourselves by your choosing of the calf (for worship) so turn in penitence to your Creator, and kill (the guilty) yourselves. 2:54a

(See Who is on the Lord's side? for the Bible story that this is based upon.)

Yeah well, Allah did that because killing yourself would be "best for you." Allah is Relenting, Merciful, Retarded.

That will be best for you with your Creator and He will relent toward you. Lo! He is the Relenting, the Merciful. 2:54b

As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel.

When Moses asked for water for his people, We said: Smite with thy staff the rock. And there gushed out therefrom twelve springs (so that) each tribe knew their drinking-place. 2:60

2:62 is often quoted to show that the Quran is tolerant of other religions.

Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve. 2:62

But this verse is far from clear (Must you believe in Allah, whatever was revealed to Muhammad, and the Last Day to avoid hell?) and it contradicts other verses.

And now we finally get to the fun stuff.

First Allah brags about turning Jewish Sabbath-breakers into "despised and hated" apes.

Ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated! 2:65

Then he tells the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow.

Allah commandeth you that ye sacrifice a cow, they said: Dost thou make game of us? He answered: Allah forbid that I should be among the foolish! ... They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. ... Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us of what colour she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a yellow cow. Bright is her colour, gladdening beholders. 2:67-69

But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews.

They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. Lo! cows are much alike to us; and Lo! if Allah wills, we may be led aright. 2:70

Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow.

And now you've got to help me understand the rest of the story, which happens in just two verses.

When ye slew a man and disagreed concerning it and Allah brought forth that which ye were hiding. And We said: Smite him with some of it. Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life. 2:72-73

OK, I don't get much out of that. But this is what supposedly happened:
(Maybe a Muslim can explain it better for us in the comments.)

A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)

You can read all about it here.

Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:75-105 -- Little is that which they believe

28 June 2010

Mr. Deity's Back

(And I'll be back soon with another Quran post. Until then, here's something fun to watch: The Prequel for the new season.)

24 June 2010

1 Nephi 5: After this manner of language did they speak

In this chapter, Nephi and his brothers, along with Laban's servant Zoram, return to the wilderness from Jerusalem.

And it came to pass that after we had come down into the wilderness unto our father. 1 Nephi 5:1a

I guess the 400+ kilometer trip was getting routine by now, because Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them.

Behold, he was filled with joy, and also my mother, Sariah, was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of us. 1 Nephi 5:1b

In fact, after the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak:

And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father. 1 Nephi 5:3
And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother. 1 Nephi 5:6
And after this manner of language did she speak. 1 Nephi 5:8

After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah.

Lehi ... beheld that they did contain the five books of Moses ... And also a record of the Jews from the beginning, even down to the commencement of the reign of Zedekiah ... And also the prophecies which have been spoken by the mouth of Jeremiah. 1 Nephi 5:10-13

And, most important of all, the plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. (Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.)

And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, also found upon the plates of brass a genealogy of his fathers. wherefore he knew that he was a descendant of Joseph; yea, even that Joseph who was the son of Jacob. 1 Nephi 5:14

When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.)

When my father saw all these things, he was filled with the Spirit, and began to prophesy concerning his seed -- That these plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people who were of his seed. Wherefore, he said that these plates of brass should never perish; neither should they be dimmed any more by time. 1 Nephi 5:17-19a

And then he prophesied some more stuff about his seed.

And he prophesied many things concerning his seed. 1 Nephi 5:19b

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular

23 June 2010

Surah 2: 25-34 -- Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever

Yep, all that in just ten verses.

Here's a summary.

If you believe and do good works, you will have pure companions in heaven.

And give glad tidings (O Muhammad) unto those who believe and do good works ... for them are pure companions. 2:25

Allah created seven heavens. (I think there was a TV show about that.)

He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things. 2:29

Allah will shed human blood while angels praise him in heaven. (The angels question why Allah has to kill people; Allah says they'd understand if they knew everything like he does.)

And when thy Lord said unto the angels: Lo! I am about to place a viceroy in the earth, they said: Wilt thou place therein one who will do harm therein and will shed blood, while we, we hymn Thy praise and sanctify Thee ? He said: Surely I know that which ye know not. 2:30

Allah taught Adam all the names (of the animals, I guess).

And He taught Adam all the names. 2:31a

Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).

Then [he] showed them to the angels, saying: Inform Me of the names of these, if ye are truthful. 2:31b

But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly.

They said: Be glorified! We have no knowledge saving that which Thou hast taught us. Lo! 2:32

Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!"

He said: O Adam! Inform them of their names, and when he had informed them of their names, He said: Did I not tell you that I know the secret of the heavens and the earth? And I know that which ye disclose and which ye hide. 2:33

Finally, just to rub it in, Allah tells the angels to worship Adam. And they all did except for Iblis, who became the first disbeliever.

And when We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He demurred through pride, and so became a disbeliever. 2:34

And the only reasonable person (so far, anyway) in the Quran.

Bogging the Quran
Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow

Can I be banned in Pakistan too?

Seven sites have been banned in Pakistan for offending the Quran.

Well, I try hard to offend the Quran. I just don't know how to offend a fucking book.

So I offend Islam instead.

Maybe I'm already banned, though. Someone emailed me (back when Pakistan banned Facebook for the "Draw Muhammad Day" thing) and told me that the SAQ was blocked in Pakistan. Maybe it still is. Could someone from Pakistan check and let me know?

That would be so cool. Then I'd know for sure that I had succeeded in offending that (god-awful) book.

22 June 2010

Bible ignored, grandfather mauled

That's not the title of a parody article from the Onion; it's Bryan Fischer's post at the American Family Association.

You remember Bryan, don't you? He's the guy who said, after the tragic incident in Orlando, that we should have followed Exodus 21:28 and stoned Tilikum to death.

Now Bryan says that God is sending out the beasts to kill us all for disobeying his statutes.

...one of the consequences for a nation which walks in his statues is that it will have nothing to fear from wild animals. “If you walk in my statutes...I will remove harmful beasts from the land” (Lev. 26:3,6).

On the other hand, “[I]f you will not listen to me and will not do all these commandments...I will let loose the wild beasts against you” (Lev. 26:14,22).

God has "set loose the wild beasts against" us, just like he said he'd do in Leviticus 26.

Pretty soon God is going to force us to eat our own children (also in Leviticus 26).

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29"

Bryan can hardly wait.

1 Neph 4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief

Chapter 3 ended with an angel telling Nephi's brothers to stop beating Nephi and Sam with a rod.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? 1 Nephi 3:29

The angel didn't impress Laman and Lemeul much though, so Nephi had to make another long, boring, BoM-type speech.

And it came to pass that I spake unto my brethren, saying: Let us go up again unto Jerusalem, and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground, and the armies of Pharaoh did follow and were drowned in the waters of the Red Sea. Now behold ye know that this is true; and ye also know that an angel hath spoken unto you; wherefore can ye doubt? Let us go up; the Lord is able to deliver us, even as our fathers, and to destroy Laban, even as the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 4:1-3

After the speech, Laman and Lemuel decided to follow Nephi back to Jerusalem, though they "did still continue to murmur."

Now when I had spoken these words, they were yet wroth, and did still continue to murmur; nevertheless they did follow me up until we came without the walls of Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 4:4

When they got to Jerusalem, Nephi's brothers waited outside the gates while Nephi was led by the Lord to Laban's house.

And it was by night; and I caused that they should hide themselves without the walls. And after they had hid themselves, I, Nephi, crept into the city and went forth towards the house of Laban. And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. 1 Nephi 4:5-6

The Lord lead Nephi to a drunk guy passed out on the ground -- who turns out to be Laban!

Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth before me, for he was drunken with wine. And when I came to him I found that it was Laban. 1 Nephi 4:7-8

Laban had a sword made out of "the finest steel" (more than two thousand years before steel was available) with a handle of pure gold.

And I beheld his sword, and I drew it forth from the sheath thereof; and the hilt thereof was of pure gold, and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine, and I saw that the blade thereof was of the most precious steel. 1 Nephi 4:9

Then the Spirit constrained Nephi to kill Laman, who was passed out on the ground in front of him.

And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban. 1 Nephi 4:10

But the Spirit had to tell Nephi again.

And the Spirit said unto me again: Behold the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands. 1 Nephi 4:11

And a third time, reminding Nephi that God kills people too (so it must be OK) and besides, it's better that one person die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief.

And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands ... It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief. 1 Nephi 4:12-13

So Nephi (finally) obeys the Spirit by grabbing Laban by the hair and chopping off his head with his own sword.

Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword. 1 Nephi 4:18

After Nephi smote off his head, he put on Laban's clothes (while the blood gushed from the carotid artery) and "gird on his armor about [his] loins." (Laban always wore armor on his loins when he went out partying.)

And after I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took the garments of Laban and put them upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:19

Dressed in Laban's blood-drenched clothes and loin armor, he went to the treasury of Laban and commanded (with the voice of Laban) Laban's servant to follow him.

And after I had done this, I went forth unto the treasury of Laban. And as I went forth towards the treasury of Laban, behold, I saw the servant of Laban who had the keys of the treasury. And I commanded him in the voice of Laban, that he should go with me into the treasury. 1 Nephi 4:20

And it worked perfectly. Nephi looked and sounded just like Laban, so it completely fooled Laban's servant.

And he supposed me to be his master, Laban, for he beheld the garments and also the sword girded about my loins. 1 Nephi 4:21

Nephi chatted with Laban's servant for a while about all the usual things -- the wild party last night, gossip about the elders of the "church" (the Jews had churches back then), etc. Then Nephi told him to take the brass plates to his brothers who were waiting outside the city gates.

And he spake unto me concerning the elders of the Jews, he knowing that his master, Laban, had been out by night among them. And I also spake unto him that I should carry the engravings, which were upon the plates of brass, to my elder brethren, who were without the walls. And I spake unto him as if it had been Laban. And I also bade him that he should follow me. And he, supposing that I spake of the brethren of the church, and that I was truly that Laban whom I had slain, wherefore he did follow me. And he spake unto me many times concerning the elders of the Jews, as I went forth unto my brethren, who were without the walls. 1 Nephi 4:22-27

When Nephi's brothers saw Nephi and Laban's servant coming, they were "exceedingly frightened" since they thought Nephi was Laban, too! (It was an exceedingly good disguise.)

And it came to pass that when Laman saw me he was exceedingly frightened, and also Lemuel and Sam. And they fled from before my presence; for they supposed it was Laban, and that he had slain me and had sought to take away their lives also. 1 Nephi 4:28

But then they heard his voice (he wasn't using the voice of Laban this time) and they knew it was Nephi "wherefore they did cease to flee from [his] presence."

And it came to pass that I called after them, and they did hear me; wherefore they did cease to flee from my presence. 1 Nephi 4:29

After brothers settled down, Nephi talked Laban's servant (Zoram) into joining up with them, and they packed up the brass plates and returned (400+ kilometers) to Lephi's tent.

And it came to pass that we took the plates of brass and the servant of Laban, and departed into the wilderness, and journeyed unto the tent of our father. 1 Nephi 4:38

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 5: After this manner of language did they speak

21 June 2010

Hey Sarah, pray louder! Maybe he's daydreaming or relieving himself

Yesterday Sarah Palin said we should give up on the clean-up efforts in the Gulf and ask God for a solution/miracle.

Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle

And I'm sure all of her prayer warriors (along with the Louisiana Legislature) did just that. So what's the problem? Couldn't God hear her and her friends?

It reminds me of the words of Elijah, taunting the 450 prophets of Baal in the prayer contest.

Pray louder! He is a god! Maybe he is day-dreaming or relieving himself, or perhaps he's gone off on a trip! Or maybe he's sleeping, and you've got to wake him up! 1 Kings 18:27

Keep praying, Sarah. Nothing fails like prayer.

A note about the translation of 1 Kings 18:27

The Bible versions that are most popular to believers (KJV, NIV, RSV) translate this verse in a way that sanitizes Elijah's bathroom humor.

The New International Version (NIV) translates "maybe he is relieving himself" as being "busy."

"Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." NIV

The King James Version (KJV) translates it as "pursuing."

Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. KJV

And the Revised Standard Version (RSV) as "he has gone aside."

And at noon Eli'jah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god; either he is musing, or he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." RSV

But Elijah wasn't the type to bother with polite euphemisms.

And now for something completely different.

Surah 2: 14- 24 -- Produce a surah the like thereof

OK, where were we?

When you're reading the Quran, it's hard to remember where you are because it says the same damned thing over and over again. So if you're reading along with me, you're going to need a bookmark.

If you remember last time, Allah was busy telling disbelievers how foolish and blind they were (because he made them that way) and then dooming them for their disbelief.

Now he tells us that he especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.

And when they fall in with those who believe, they say: We believe; but when they go apart to their devils they declare: Lo! we are with you; verily we did but mock. 2:14

Allah will mock and blind them.

Allah (Himself) doth mock them, leaving them to wander blindly on in their contumacy ... Allah taketh away their light and leaveth them in darkness, where they cannot see ... Deaf, dumb and blind. 2:15-18

And do you know what? If Allah really wanted to, he could destroy their sight and hearing. Allah can do anything.

If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things. 2:20

And if you doubt that any of this stuff I've been quoting really comes from Allah, then just try to write something like it.

And if ye are in doubt concerning that which We reveal unto Our slave (Muhammad), then produce a surah of the like thereof. 2:23

That's right you disbelievers! Just try to write a Surah that's as meaningful and cool-sounding as this one:

The power of Abu Lahab will perish, and he will perish.
His wealth and gains will not exempt him.
He will be plunged in flaming Fire,
And his wife, the wood-carrier,
Will have upon her neck a halter of palm-fibre.

That is Surah 111 and there's nothing you can write that would be nearly as good.

Not that people haven't tried. Here's one that someone wrote, for example, trying match the beauty of Surah 111.

In the name of Marvin, most-merciful, all-compassionate:
Damn both hands of my neighbor Sam; damn him!
His money and children will not save him!
He will be burnt in a blazing flame --
Sam and his dame, who is also to blame.
As she was carrying wood to her home,
She put some thorns in the path where I roam.
So she shall suffer a torment most dire,
Dangling in hell from a noose of palm-fibre.

But that is obviously inferior.

Go ahead and try, though, if you want to. You will fail and Allah will burn you forever if you in the fire that he has prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones.

And if ye do it not - and ye can never do it - then guard yourselves against the Fire prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is of men and stones. 2:24

So there!

Bogging the Quran
Surah 2: 25-34 -- Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever

20 June 2010

Sarah Palin: Gulf disaster needs divine intervention

Sarah Palin told her twitter pals that it's time to ask God to take over the clean-up efforts in the Gulf.

Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle -- SarahPalinUSA

Yeah, that's a good idea, Sarah. Let's ask the (imaginary) guy who plans to turn 1/3 of the sea into blood and kill 1/3 of all sea life.

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 8:8-9

And then turn the entire ocean into blood, killing everything that lives in it.

And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died. Revelation 16:3

And finally, destroy the whole shebang.

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth ... and there was no more sea. Revelation 21:1

Now that's someone we can depend on!

Unfortunately, the lawmakers of Louisiana agree.

18 June 2010

Did God tell Julia Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby?

He's done it before, you know. Twice. (Tell someone to eat a book, that is.)

He told Ezekiel to do that.

But thou, son of man, hear what I say unto thee ... open thy mouth, and eat that I give thee. And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein ... Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll ... So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. Ezekiel 2:8-3:3

And the author of Revelation.

And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. Revelation 10:9-10

Did God tell Ms. Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby? Or did she get the idea from reading these stories in the Bible. Or did she think of it on her own.

Whichever it might have been, the Bible is a good book to keep away from crazy people. (Or from sane people; it can make them crazy, too.)

17 June 2010

1 Nephi 3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!

When we last left Lehi and his family, they were camping out on the shore of the Red Sea next to the River Laman. The Lord had just visited Nephi and told him about his plan to lead Nephi to a new land that the Lord had prepared just for him, "a land which is choice above all other lands."

And then his dad had another dream.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, returned from speaking with the Lord, to the tent of my father. And it came to pass that he spake unto me, saying: Behold I have dreamed a dream . . . 1 Nephi 3:1-2a

This wasn't just any old dream, either. It was a Book of Mormon dream.

. . . in the which the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brethren shall return to Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 3:2b

So Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem. Why? Did they forget to lock the house? Leave the coffee pot on? What?

No, it's much more serious than that. They forgot their danged brass plates!

For behold, Laban hath the record of the Jews and also a genealogy of my forefathers, and they are engraven upon plates of brass. 1 Nephi 3:3

It had Lehi's whole genealogy on it, and Mormons love their genealogies (especially the ancient Jewish Mormons).

But it wasn't just Lehi that insisted on the 800+ kilometer round trip; it was God. (God is a Mormon and he's into genealogy, too.)

Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me that thou and thy brothers should go unto the house of Laban, and seek the records, and bring them down hither into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:4

So God commanded Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem, get the brass plates from a guy named Laban, and return "hither into the wilderness."

And after three more and-it-came-to-passes and one exceedingly, the four brothers were back in Jerusalem.

And it came to pass that when we had gone up to the land of Jerusalem, I and my brethren did consult one with another. 1 Nephi 3:10

Now they just needed to decide how to get the brass plates back from Laban.

Luckily, though, they had all read the Bible so they knew the proper way of deciding such things. They cast lots.

And we cast lots -- who of us should go in unto the house of Laban. 1 Nephi 3:11a

And the lot fell upon Laman, so he went in to talk to Laban about the plates.

And it came to pass that the lot fell upon Laman; and Laman went in unto the house of Laban, and he talked with him as he sat in his house. And he desired of Laban the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, which contained the genealogy of my father. 1 Nephi 3:11b-12

But Laban refused to give him the plates, accused him of trying to rob him, and threatened to kill him.

And behold, it came to pass that Laban was angry, and thrust him out from his presence; and he would not that he should have the records. Wherefore, he said unto him: Behold thou art a robber, and I will slay thee. 1 Nephi 3:13

After that, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam wanted to give up on the plates and return "to the wilderness."

But Laman fled out of his presence, and told the things which Laban had done, unto us. And we began to be exceedingly sorrowful, and my brethren were about to return unto my father in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 3:14

But Nephi talked them out of it in a long, boring speech.

But behold I said unto them that: As the Lord liveth, and as we live, we will not go down unto our father in the wilderness until we have accomplished the thing which the Lord hath commanded us.

blah, blah, blah

And it came to pass that after this manner of language did I persuade my brethren, that they might be faithful in keeping the commandments of God. 1 Nephi 3:15-21

So Nephi and his brothers go get their father's gold, silver, and precious things (that were left behind on their wilderness trip), brought them to Laban, and offered to trade it all for the plates.

And it came to pass that we went down to the land of our inheritance, and we did gather together our gold, and our silver, and our precious things. And after we had gathered these things together, we went up again unto the house of Laban. And it came to pass that we went in unto Laban, and desired him that he would give unto us the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass, for which we would give unto him our gold, and our silver, and all our precious things. 1 Nephi 3:22-24

Laban wanted their gold and whatnot but he also wanted to keep the plates. (He was into genealogy, too.) So he decided to kill them and take their stuff.

And it came to pass that when Laban saw our property, and that it was exceedingly great, he did lust after it, insomuch that he thrust us out, and sent his servants to slay us, that he might obtain our property. 1 Nephi 3:25

Nephi and his brothers escaped to the wilderness and hid in "the cavity of a rock."

And it came to pass that we did flee before the servants of Laban, and we were obliged to leave behind our property, and it fell into the hands of Laban. And it came to pass that we fled into the wilderness, and the servants of Laban did not overtake us, and we hid ourselves in the cavity of a rock. 1 Nephi 3:26-27

By this time, Laman and Lemuel had had enough. They "did speak many hard words" to Nephi and started beating him with a rod.

And it came to pass that Laman was angry with me, and also with my father; and also was Lemuel, for he hearkened unto the words of Laman. Wherefore Laman and Lemuel did speak many hard words unto us, their younger brothers, and they did smite us even with a rod. 1 Nephi 3:28

Then an angel showed up and told them to stop beating Nephi; that God has chosen Nephi to rule over them; that they should go back to Jerusalem; and that God would deliver Laban into their hands.

And it came to pass as they smote us with a rod, behold, an angel of the Lord came and stood before them, and he spake unto them, saying: Why do ye smite your younger brother with a rod? Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities? Behold ye shall go up to Jerusalem again, and the Lord will deliver Laban into your hands. 1 Nephi 3:29

But Laman and Lemuel weren't convinced by the angel.

And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?1 Nephi 3:31

Since they were Book of Mormon characters, they were used to angels dropping by to deliver messages from God. I suppose that sort of thing gets old after a while.

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Neph 4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief

16 June 2010

What Obama should have said last night

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Except for the "God bless you and God bless America" bullshit at the end.

Surah 2: The Cow, Part 1 -- Allah is wise, mysterious, funny

Surah 2 is the longest surah in the Quran, so it's going to take a while to get through it. I can only take so much of this stuff at a time.

It starts, as many surahs do, with three Arabic letters.

Alif. Lam. Mim. 2:1

No one knows what they mean or why they are there. But I have a theory.

The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of W.T.F.

Allah is wise, mysterious, funny.

But he has a serious side, too. Take the next verse where he says:

This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt. 2:2a

The Quran is true because the Quran says it's true, just like the Bible and the Book of Mormon. There is no doubt about it.

It's useful to those that "ward off evil," believe unseen things that Muhammad reveals to them, and are absolutely certain that they will survive their own death.

You know, the successful people. The Muslims.

[The Quran is] a guidance unto those who ward off evil. Who believe in the Unseen .. And who believe in that which is revealed unto thee (Muhammad) ... and are certain of the Hereafter. ... These are the successful. 2:2b-4

As for the other people, the disbelievers, Allah has already taken care of them. He has "sealed their hearing and their hearts" and put a covering on their eyes so they won't be able to believe.

As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not. Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. 2:6-7a

So if you don't believe by now, you never will. Allah has hardened your heart and blinded you to the truth. There's nothing you, or anyone else, can or should do about it.

And what happens to the disbelievers?

Theirs will be an awful doom. 2:7

You see, to Allah unbelief is like a disease. And he increases the disease. He's a spiritual anti-doctor.

In their hearts is a disease, and Allah increaseth their disease. 2:10

So if you don't believe in the unseen things that Muhammad revealed, you're pretty much out of luck. Allah has already blinded your eyes (so you won't be able to see unseen things), hardened your heart (so you'll think it's cruel for Allah to "doom" disbelievers for not believing things that he prevented them from believing), and increased your disease of unbelief. Yours will be an awful doom. Sorry about that.

Allah has made it impossible for you to believe as the foolish believe.

And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: shall we believe as the foolish believe? are not they indeed the foolish? But they know not. 2:13

And after you die he'll torture you forever for it.

Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:14-24 -- Produce a surah the like thereof

15 June 2010

Jesus: I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven

Jesus was struck by lightning last night. I guess this is what he was talking about when told his disciples:

I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. Luke 10:18

Of course, Jesus was in one of his crazy moods at the time. Here's what he said right after his vision of Satan.

Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19

In any case, this is what he look like yesterday.

And here's what he looked like last night after Satan fell as lightning from heaven.

I think he looks a lot better in the second picture. (Thanks Satan!)

12 June 2010

1 Nephi 2: The incredible journey begins

God speaks to Lehi in a dream and tells him to leave Jerusalem and go "into the wilderness."

The Lord spake unto my father, yea, even in a dream ... and ... the Lord commanded my father, even in a dream, that he should take his family and depart into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 2:1-2

So, with no further instructions, he and his family go into the wild. (Lehi's family included his wife Sariah, and four sons, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi.)

He departed into the wilderness ... with ... his family. 1 Nephi 2:4

Very quickly, and with no problem at all, they find themselves over 400 kilometers away, at "the shore of the Red Sea."

He came down by the borders near the shore of the Red Sea. 1 Nephi 2:5

Apparently the hike from Jerusalem to the Red Sea took only three days. I guess the family was in really good shape.

When he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water. 1 Nephi 1:6

Here's what Lehi's trip looked like in Google Earth.

But maybe the "three days" referred not to the length of the trip itself, but how long it took to find a good camping spot once they got there. I've had that problem before.

In any case and however long it took them to get there, when they arrived they found a continually flowing river that emptied into the Red Sea. (There aren't any permanent rivers that flow into the Red Sea, and there hasn't been for thousands of years. But God probably made one just for the occasion and then destroyed any evidence of it after Lehi and his family left. For a good time watch: Where is the River Laman?)

Lehi named the river after his slacker son, Laman, hoping it would inspire him to be more dependable, like the "continually running" river.

He called the name of the river, Laman, and it emptied into the Red Sea ... saying: O that thou mightest be like unto this river, continually running. 1 Nephi 2:8

And Lehi named the valley after his other worthless son, Lemuel, hoping it would somehow make him more "steadfast" and "immovable" like the big valley that the River Laman passed through.

And he also spake unto Lemuel: O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord! 1 Nephi 2:10

But the magic didn't work. Laman and Lemuel were still a couple of whiny-ass, pieces of shit that were "like unto the Jews."

Now this he spake because of the stiffneckedness of Laman and Lemuel; for behold they did murmur in many things against their father.
They were like unto the Jews. 1 Nephi 2:11-13

Nephi wasn't like his older brothers, though. He didn't have a Jew-like bone in his body. (OK, he was a Jew, too, but he didn't act like one.) He wanted to know the mysteries of God, so he cried unto the Lord.

I, Nephi, ... having great desires to know of the mysteries of God, wherefore, I did cry unto the Lord 1 Nephi 2:16a

And, by golly, the Lord heard him and came to visit him to soften up his heart so he'd believe whatever the hell his bat-shit crazy dad said.

And behold he did visit me, and did soften my heart that I did believe all the words which had been spoken by my father; wherefore, I did not rebel against him like unto my brothers. 1 Nephi 2:16b

And the dumb-as-shit Sam went along with whatever the Holy Spirit revealed to his younger brother Nephi.

And I spake unto Sam, making known unto him the things which the Lord had manifested unto me by his Holy Spirit. And it came to pass that he believed in my words. 1 Nephi 2:17

But Laman and Lemuel wouldn't listen to Nephi because they suffered from Pharaoh's syndrome: the hardening of the heart. So Nephi asked his good friend God what to do about it.

But, behold, Laman and Lemuel would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of their hearts I cried unto the Lord for them. 1 Nephi 2:18

God, who happened to be visiting at the time, told Nephi what a good boy he was, that he would live long and prosper, and that God would lead him to a new land, a land that God had prepared just for him (and the Mormons) and that was better than everywhere else on earth. (Spoiler: God's talking about America here. God made the entire western hemisphere for Nephi and it's way better than anything in the Old World.)

Blessed art thou, Nephi, because of thy faith, for thou hast sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart ... Ye shall prosper, and shall be led to a land of promise; yea, even a land which I have prepared for you; yea, a land which is choice above all other lands. 1 Nephi 2:19-20

God goes on (and on) about what a great guy Nephi is and all the cool things he's going to do for him. But God hates Nephi's brothers, which he'll soon be cursing "even with a sore curse."

And inasmuch as thy brethren shall rebel against thee, they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord ... For behold, in that day that they shall rebel against me, I will curse them even with a sore curse. 1 Nephi 2:21-23

The chapter ends with God saying something about how if Nephi's brothers continue to misbehave, he'll have to "stir them up in the ways of remembrance."

And if it so be that they rebel against me, they shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in the ways of remembrance. 1 Nephi 2:24

I don't know what that means. God sometimes talks funny when he gets excited in the Book of Mormon (especially when he starts quoting the New Testament, 700 years before it was written).

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!

11 June 2010

Surah 1: The Opening -- The Lord of the Worlds

OK, since KafirGirl is no longer doing it, I guess I have to.

A couple years ago, KafirGirl started to blog the Quran. And she did an absolutely fantastic job, too. I linked to all of her posts, revising the SAQ as she went along. Then, early last year and without warning, she suddenly stopped. She hasn't posted since and no one seems to know why. I sure hope she's OK.

So I've decided to start blogging my way through the Quran, starting with Surah 1. It's the only way I can force myself to re-read the Quran and revise the SAQ. I'm hoping that as I work my way through it, you'll read it along with me and point out things that I either missed or messed up.

There's not much to the first surah (or sura), just seven short verses (or ayat).

Here's the first verse.

1. In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Now that sounds nice enough, until you read a bit more of the Quran and see just how anti-Beneficent and anti-Merciful Allah really is. But I'll save that for later.

The next verse is the most interesting to me. Allah is the "Lord of the Worlds."

2. Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds,

Does this mean that the Quran recognizes, prophesies even, the existence of other solar systems, planets, and earth-like worlds, an idea that Giordano Bruno was burned alive for (at least in part) nearly 1000 years after the Quran was written?

If so, then the Quran gets off to a better start (as far as science is concerned, anyway) in Surah 1 than the Bible does in Genesis 1.

And then Allah has to blow it all by repeating himself, saying how beneficent and merciful he is. He just lied bragged about that two verses ago.

3. The Beneficent, the Merciful.

Now we get to stuff that Allah really cares about: the Day of Judgment. As we'll see later, Allah is completely obsessed with it.

4. Master of the Day of Judgment,

Allah, like his buddy Yahweh, is stuck on himself. He wants us all to grovel in front of him forever. Worship him alone; ask him for help; ignore everyone and everything else.

5. Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help.

And if you do that, then maybe, if you ask him nicely, he'll tell you what to do. Just don't try to think about it yourself.

6. Show us the straight path,

The straight path, by the way, is the path of those that Allah favors (Muslims).

7a. The path of those whom Thou hast favoured;

All non-Muslims have either gone astray (like the Christians) or have earned Allah's anger (like the Jews).

7b. Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray.

And that's the end of the first surah, Allah's praise of, and prayer to, himself.

I know that was kind of boring. But Allah has lots of interesting things to say in the next Surah. So don't give up on the Quran just yet.

Bogging the Quran
Surah 2:1-13 -- Allah is wise, mysterious, funny

09 June 2010

1 Nephi 1: And it came to pass exceedingly

As you may have noticed, I've been neglecting the Quran and the Book of Mormon lately. And I feel bad about that. So I've decided to blog my way through both god-awful books, revising the SAQ and SABoM as I go along. So if you see things that I've missed, misunderstood, misstated, or messed up, this is your chance to let me know.

The first book of the Book of Mormon is the First Book of Nephi. The author is a guy named Nephi who thinks quite a lot of himself. He had "goodly parents" was "highly favored of the Lord" and had "a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God."

I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days. 1 Nephi 1:1

Nephi wrote in "the language of his father" -- Egyptian, which is a strange language for a an Israelite of 600 BCE to write in. But, then, we must get used to strange things if we are to read the Book of Mormon.

Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Jews and the language of the Egyptians. 1 Nephi 1:2

Nephi tells us that everything he's writing is complete bullshit.

Just kidding. It's all true because Nephi says it is. And if you can't believe a pompous, Egyptian-speaking Hebrew that supposedly lived 2600 years ago, who can you believe?

And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge. 1 Nephi 1:3

Next, something comes to pass.

For it came to pass.... 1 Nephi 1:4a

This is the first of the 1297 times (that I've counted, anyway) that something comes to pass in the Book of Mormon. It's one of the things you notice as soon as you start reading the book.

Here's what Mark Twain said about it:

The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint, old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the Scriptures; ... Whenever he found his speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. Roughing It, Chapter 16

What came to pass, though, came to pass in the commencement (BoM-speak for beginning) of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah. There was a whole lot of prophesying going on.

For it came to pass in the commencement of the first year of the reign of Zedekiah, king of Judah, (my father, Lehi, having dwelt at Jerusalem in all his days); and in that same year there came many prophets, prophesying unto the people that they must repent, or the great city Jerusalem must be destroyed. 1 Nephi 1:4

A couple more things come to pass and then Nephi's dad (Lehi) saw a pillar of fire on a rock that made him "quake and tremble exceedingly."

Wherefore it came to pass that my father, Lehi, as he went forth prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart, in behalf of his people. And it came to pass as he prayed unto the Lord, there came a pillar of fire and dwelt upon a rock before him; and he saw and heard much; and because of the things which he saw and heard he did quake and tremble exceedingly. 1 Nephi 1:5-6

After Lehi saw the burning pillar on a rock, "he thought he saw" God, lots of angels, Jesus, and the 12 apostles -- which is a strange sight for a Jew that lived 600 years before Jesus was born. (Though, as you'll see if you continue reading, strange sights are common in the BoM.)

And it came to pass that he returned to his own house at Jerusalem; and he cast himself upon his bed, being overcome with the Spirit and the things which he had seen. And being thus overcome with the Spirit, he was carried away in a vision, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels in the attitude of singing and praising their God. And it came to pass that he saw One descending out of the midst of heaven, and he beheld that his luster was above that of the sun at noon-day. And he also saw twelve others following him, and their brightness did exceed that of the stars in the firmament. 1 Nephi 1:7-10

Then God, Jesus, the apostles, and the host of angels came down from heaven to earth and God gave Lehi a book to read.

And they came down and went forth upon the face of the earth; and the first came and stood before my father, and gave unto him a book, and bade him that he should read. 1 Nephi 1:11

So Lehi read from the book, was filled with the Spirit of the Lord, and said stuff like, "Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations!" and "Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty!" (Which means, I guess, that he was reading from the book of Revelation, which wouldn't be written for another 700 years of so.)

And it came to pass that as he read, he was filled with the Spirit of the Lord. And he read, saying: Wo, wo, unto Jerusalem, for I have seen thine abominations! Yea, and many things did my father read concerning Jerusalem -- that it should be destroyed, and the inhabitants thereof; many should perish by the sword, and many should be carried away captive into Babylon. And it came to pass that when my father had read and seen many great and marvelous things, he did exclaim many things unto the Lord; such as: Great and marvelous are thy works, O Lord God Almighty! Thy throne is high in the heavens, and thy power, and goodness, and mercy are over all the inhabitants of the earth, and, because thou art merciful, thou wilt not suffer those who come unto thee that they shall perish! And after this manner was the language of my father in the praising of his God; for his soul did rejoice, and his whole heart was filled, because of the things which he had seen, yea, which the Lord had shown unto him. 1 Nephi 1:12-15

Now Nephi tells us that he's not going to tell us all of the shit his dad said, wrote, and did while under the influence of the Spirit. Which is a good thing. I couldn't take much more of that.

And now I, Nephi, do not make a full account of the things which my father hath written, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he prophesied and spake unto his children, of which I shall not make a full account. 1 Nephi 1:16

He's (thankfully) going to just give us the abridged version of his father's babblings, which was probably a good idea since he was writing this stuff down on brass plates.

But I shall make an account of my proceedings in my days. Behold, I make an abridgment of the record of my father, upon plates which I have made with mine own hands; wherefore, after I have abridged the record of my father then will I make an account of mine own life. 1 Nephi 1:17

After Lehi saw the pillar of fire, God, Jesus, the apostles, and angels, and read from the book that God gave him, he went into town to tell the people about his day.

Therefore, I would that ye should know, that after the Lord had shown so many marvelous things unto my father, Lehi, yea, concerning the destruction of Jerusalem, behold he went forth among the people, and began to prophesy and to declare unto them concerning the things which he had both seen and heard. 1 Nephi 1:18

They all thought he was crazy, since they were a bunch of wicked, abominable Jews.

And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him because of the things which he testified of them; for he truly testified of their wickedness and their abominations; and he testified that the things which he saw and heard, and also the things which he read in the book, manifested plainly of the coming of the Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea, even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; and they also sought his life, that they might take it away. But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance. 1 Nephi 1:19-20

And that's all that came to pass in chapter 1.

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 2: The incredible journey begins

06 June 2010

Christian Groups: BP is an angel of God

In my last post, I included an Onion news story entitled, "Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming." It was, of course, a parody. But it was also based on fact.

Christian teabaggers are trying to force schools to stop teaching about global warming. The earth may be warming, they say, but if so, it's not caused by people; it's caused by God. God is going to burn all non-believers to death (and then burn them forever in hell) and the believers are looking forward to it.

Now believers are saying that the Gulf oil spill is a fulfillment of Revelation 8:8-9 and 16.3.

Here's Revelation 8:8-9.

The second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died.

But if that's true, what happened to the first angel? Where was the hail and fire mingled with blood? When were a third of the trees and all of the grass burned? Did God forget to send his first angel?

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. Revelation 8:7

And here's Revelation 16:3.

The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

Which, of course, makes BP an angel of God.

But if so, what about the first angel? God was supposed to send some kind of nasty sores on everybody who had the mark of the beast. I'm pretty sure that if anyone had that mark, I'd have one. Where is my mark and "noisome and grievous sores?"

The first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. Revelation 16:2

No, until God's first evil angel gives me some hemorrhoids in my secret parts or something, the ocean is safe from God's nasty plans (though obviously not from BP's).

The believers are wrong about the oil spill.

Not even BP is evil enough to be an angel of God.

(Unless BL1Y is right and God is punishing us for ignoring his prohibition against eating shellfish.)

02 June 2010

Global Warming: It's all a part of God's plan

There aren't many things that God enjoys more than burning people to death.

He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.

So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO2; it's God.

And he's just getting started.

Here's what God has planned for the earth.

Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8
The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6
The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12
For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48
The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3
For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1
The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9

And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.

Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14

So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.

Don't let science rob God of his glory!

01 June 2010

Blogging the Book of Mormon

First Nephi
1: And it came to pass exceedingly
2: The incredible journey begins
3: Oh my heck! We forgot the brass plates!
4: Better for one man to die than a whole nation dwindle in unbelief
5: After this manner of language did they speak
6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular
7: Oh Fetch! We forgot the fricken women!
8: Pointing the finger of scorn at Lehi's magic happy-fruit tree
9: Nephi names his plates
10: Lehi proves Jesus wrong by becoming the greatest prophet ever
11: A spirit shows Nephi all the shit his dad saw
12: Those who dwindle in unbelief will become dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people
13: Satan founds the Catholic church, Columbus discovers America, and Joseph Smith fixes the Bible
14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)
15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)
16: A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow
17: The Trip to Bountiful
18: Nephi discovers America
19: Zenos' Paradox
20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood
22: Someday Catholics will all get drunk on their own blood

Second Nephi
1-3: A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit
4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness
6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.
7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day
10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)
11-24: Padding Isaiah
25: Nephi speaks (somewhat) plainly about Jews, Jesus, and Joseph Smith
26: All those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten.
27: The Book of Mormon prophesies itself
28-29: A Bible! A Bible! We don't need another Bible!
30: They shall be a white and delightsome people.
31-33: Nephi makes an end of his prophesying and proposes a simple test
1-2: Polygamy, riches, and the Lord's delight in chaste women 3: Repent or "their skins will be whiter than yours." 4On the difficulty of engraving words upon plates
5: A tale of two olive trees (and a new SAB category)
6-7: The sign of Sherem
You've done an awesome job, Enos!
Jarom writes a few words about the Lamanites (who love murder and drink the blood of beasts)
The Book of Omni: The Nephites discover the Mulekites and Jaredites (who also sailed from Israel to America)
Words of Mormon
Words of Mormon - whispered by the Spirit of the Lord to Mormon Jr.
1: King Benjamin teaches his sons Reformed Egyptian
2-6: The King's Speech
7: A Nephite Family Reunion
8: A seer is greater than an prophet
9: Mosiah 9: The start of the Record of Zeniff
10: 22 years of peace
11: Wicked King Noah
12-13: Abinadi's Trial
14: A Complete Waste of a Golden Plate
15: O, how beautiful upon the mountains are their feet!
16-17: The end of Abinadi
18: Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon, Mormon!
19: Lamanite Attack!
20: Stolen Daughters
21: The Lord did not see fit to deliver them out of bondage
22: The escape of the Nephites
23: Nevertheless the Lord Seeth Fit to Chasten his People
24: Another daring escape
25: Mosiah 25: Speeches, Speeches and more Speeches
26: What to do with the unbelievers?
27 A visit from God's angel
28 Mosiah's sons go on a mission
29 The End of Mosiah
1 Priestcraft: Whoring and Babbling in the promised land
2 Amlici seeks to become king, and Alma puts a stop to it
3 God Set a Mark Upon Them
4 Alma Appoints Nephihah
5 Repent! (Or ye shall be cast into the fire)
6 Alma Goes to the City of Gideon (in the Valley of Gideon, There Having a City Built, Named for Gideon, Who Was Slain By the Hand of Nehor With the Sword)
7 Jesus is Coming
8 Alma, the Door-to-Door Salesman
9 Alma Speaks Again to the People of Ammonihah
10 The Evil Lawyers of Ammonihah
11 How much is a Senine of gold worth?
12 "This is the thing which I was about to explain..."
13 Melchizedek--None were greater
14 Alma and Amulek in Prison
15 The Healing of Zeezrom