19 May 2008

Real men pee standing up

Have you ever wondered why the God of the Bible likes the phrase "piss against the wall" so much? I know I have.

Well wonder no more, because Pastor Steven L Anderson explains it all for you.

Here are some of the good pastor's words in the sermon.

And God says, "A man is someone who pisses against a wall." ... And you say, "Ah, you're being vile." I'm not being vile. God's the one who wrote the Bible.
...
We got pastors that pee sitting down. We got the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. ... The editors of the NIV pee sitting down. The editors of the New King James all pee sitting down. I'm gonna tell you something. I will never pee sitting down.

So there you have it. According to the Bible, real men pee standing up.

And in case you want to mark them in your Bible, here are the six verses where God uses the phrase "piss against the wall."

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
...surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.1 Samuel 25:34
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall... 1 Kings 14:10
... he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.1 Kings 16:11
Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall....1 Kings 21:21
For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall,.... 2 Kings 9:8

30 comments:

Becky said...

Oh. my. goodness.

I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Thanks for this!

emodude1971 said...

The next time I hear a christian say that god is so awesome that we can't begin to comprehend him, they're getting this link. Thanks Steve.

busterggi said...

Well I guess that explains why there are stone walls running through woods and fields all over New England. Too bad the Christian 'heartland' doesn't have them, must make it tough to hold it until one gets into town.

Ordinary Girl said...

Wow. If peeing standing up is the only thing that makes one a man, I feel sorry for the women in that congregation.

Steven B said...

The info at You Tube seems to indicate that the man is Pastor Steven L Anderson, not Perry Noble. Still very funny, all the same.

Steve Wells said...

Thanks Steven B. I've made the correction.

sconnor said...

I sent this to the pee preacher:

Hey piss boy, great piss sermon. I kind of looked at it, as a tinkle-party. Your sermon was exciting and full of piss and vinegar. The sermon was like a golden shower from god's lips. I laughed so hard, I pissed myself (No, not really, just a figure of speech), but I was standing up. People everywhere are going to want to hear your piss sermon. You might, even say, URINE huge demand. After the sermon we should all get pissed. I hope this doesn't piss you off; I wouldn't want you to be a piss poor loser, about it. Weeeeeeeeee should all be tolerant, and I don't want to get into a pissing contest with you.

I can hardly wait to hear your sermon on shit. That will be one shitty sermon!

Mal. 2:3 -- Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

And when you get really ambitious, you can preach a sermon about eating shit and drinking piss.

2 Kings 18:27 -- But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

Purer words have never been spoken.

--S.

devinouis said...

Wow, I'm just curious, has no one stopped to think that "piss against the wall" maybe a term implying disrespect. None of those phrases state anything directly saying, "Give he who pisses against the wall a medal, for he surely is a man." ACTUALLY, in every verse, God is talking about punishing the one who "pisseth against the wall" - even killing them! I think I'd get mad if someone peed on the wall of my house too! As for the phrases used "He" ... well, the Bible is rarely, if ever, politically correct when it comes to gender during interpretation, eh?

Personally, I think this Pastor is a dumbass and needs to rethink his sermons. Not because I'm offended as a Christian, merely as a writer and human being. Pastors are supposed to be leaders, and he's LEADING people with a sermon on piss.... don't say much about his congregation.

Alfonso Armenta said...

thank god i am an atheist...

Aquaria said...

I wonder what this guy would think about a literal pissing contest I witnessed while in the USAF, when a woman stepped up and said she could piss further than any of the guys. So they all had their turn, then the woman stepped up, and got her pee so up and high that it went over the hood of a Camaro. None of the guys could do that! So I don't think a wall would be a problem, save for maybe going over it.

For years after that, anytime some dinosaur sexist would say women couldn't do what men could, all of us who witnessed the piss contest burst out laughing.

Guess you had to be there...

Tor Hershman said...

Howdy do, Steve,
I bet you'll dig moi's wee YouTube film/research

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7iQRFP_e90

Stay on groovin' safari,
Tor

Jim Thompson said...

I was primed to point out how The Reverend Anderson's presentation was misrepresented to make his words seem so stupid. Sadly, it wasn't misrepresented in the least. The man clearly illustrates the reason evangelical Christianity attracts so much well-deserved criticism.

Fundamentalists of all stripes like to cling to the absurd, whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or adherents to any other of the uncountable belief systems. You may have trouble with this, but every human practices a belief system, even if it is belief in the nonexistence of something. Of all the fanatically held beliefs, however, Atheism is the most pitiful, in that its whole shtick is a negative.

At one time I tried to defend my Christian faith with valid logic. And don't bother telling me that using the term "christian" with "logic" is an oxymoron. I could make the same prejudiced statement about anyone who disagrees with me. Such verbiage proves less-than nothing. But after years of striving with bitter Atheists, I finally concluded I was "pissing into the wind."

Now, please think before you get all mad and start flaming me. Emotionalism is, after all, religion's fertilizer.

sconnor said...

Jimmy,

Jimmy said, Fundamentalists of all stripes like to cling to the absurd, whether Christian, Jewish...

Evidently you do not lump yourself with fundamentalists, but do you consider your beliefs absurd?

1. Do you believe in talking snakes?
2. Do you believe in talking donkeys?
3. Do you believe the sun can stop in the middle of the sky and stay in one position, all day?
4. Do you believe in virgin births?
5. Do you believe a man can magically walk on water?
6. Do you believe a man can magically bring people back from the dead?
7. Do you believe the act of sacrificing Jesus, somehow, magically atoned for humanities sins?
8. Do you believe God answers prayers?

Jimmy, hitting the nail on the head, said, You may have trouble with this, but every human practices a belief system, even if it is belief in the nonexistence of something.

Yeah, right, that's why, every minute, of every day, I have to believe, with all my heart, there is no such thing as Santa. I have to have an unwavering faith, that he will not come down my chimney and deliver toys to me. The nonexistence of Santa and the belief that he doesn't exist, consumes me and the whole shtick has been a huge negative, in my life. [sarcasm]

The only thing that is absurd, is you trying to make the case, atheism is a belief. You try to make this ridiculous comparison to associate atheism to your own beliefs. You are in essence trying to put atheism on the same playing field as theism and you want people to conclude they are equal, so as to justify your faith.

What you have is faith. Faith is believing in something that has no evidence, no logical proof or material evidence. Do you believe in leprechauns? Can they magically grant you wishes? Do you believe in leprechauns even though the evidence is largely conclusive that they do not exist? If you did believe in them, then you could only believe in them, on faith. But being a reasonably, educated person do you really go around living day to day practicing in a belief system that believes in the non-existence of leprechauns? NO, that's absurd. You just, simply DO NOT believe in leprechauns, because you see zero proof of them existing -- you don't have to have faith that they don't exist. And, in exactly the same way, we simply do not believe in your Bible-God -- It doesn't take belief or faith, there is just no evidence.

There is an infinite amount of conceivable things we can come up with that are non-existent: The list is only limited to the imagination. Do you have a belief in the non-existence of all those things that can be imagined? Take for example Allah, Zeus, Aphrodite, Thor, Mother Earth, Krishna, Brahma, or any of the 330,000 deities in the Hindu religion, alone -- are you going to honestly say you have a belief system in place that has to BELIEVE that all these deities are non-existent? Or is it simply you don't have any knowledge or evidence of these deities existing?

The God's honest truth (pun intended) is you are just as atheistic in regards to those Gods. The same way you dismiss those (think real hard why you dismiss those Gods without having a belief system in the non-existent) Gods is the same way I dismiss your God. And guess what? -- You are not wallowing in a pit of atheistic negativity over the non-existence of those Gods.

--S.

Errancy said...

What a great sermon! This is the stuff that really matters, but you so rarely hear it preached.

It's clearly time I threw away my NRSV (which glosses "one who pisses against the wall" as "male") and got a KJV instead.

jess said...

Lol. Oi.

Srinivasan said...

Is that why Mohammed peed sitting down?

To Alfonso Armenta: "Thank god I am an atheist!" Thaks for that, I am gonna use that as a personal motto from now.

Drew said...

Wait... Genesis 5:5? Does he seriously think the Hebrew Torah came with chapter and verse numbers?

Xaratherus said...

I think the real reason that men are supposed to piss standing up is so that we can check their balls for the "KING OF KING, LORD OF LORDS" tattoo you mentioned in your "What does Jesus have written on his testicles" blog. :)

Erica said...

I saw your post a long time ago and I laughed so hard! Thanks for sharing it! I am adding a link to this on my blog. Priceless.

djl said...

I wonder if Lucifer and some of the other angels had a pissing contest and thats why they were cast out of heaven! haha

bobinbpt said...

Now see, my take on this is that God is commanding that anyone who pisseth against a wall be put to death; therefore we should all pee sitting down.

justme said...

Well, i'm never going to pee sitting down, because doing so is demeaning. Only women pee sitting down, and yes, only real men pee standing up. So you guys who pee sitting down might as well come out of the closet, you fucking queers.

You make me sick. Oh, and i hate women, which is the reason why i like Bible so much.

Love Bomb said...

Wow, What about a handicapped man or one who is catheterized? I swear Christians are so fucking ridiculous. It amazes me that they cant see it. But then I was afraid ofhell till I pulled my head out of my ass in my twenties. I used to be a Christian but now I am saved. I am so thankful. thankful to whom? And for what. Thankful to evolution for reason

Louis Farrakhan said...

Muhammad SQUATTED like a woman to have a PEE!

Muslim men and boys are told that they have to sit down when they have to take a piss, no matter how dirty or filthy the toilet is. You MUST sit on that dirty toilet to urinate, like a woman, or face the torment of the grave and the hell fire.

You have to do this because Muhammad, himself, used to squat to pee like a woman, but than Muhammad used to cross dress and wear his wife's clothes.

So remember Muslim men you MUST sit down when you have to urinate at that petrol or gas station no matter how dirty it is or go to Islamic hell.

mike said...

Sorry louis, you are wrong.. Prophet mohammed was reported to do it standing and sitting so the choice is yours man!!

but the question is: will u still do it standing in those dirty bathrooms if you are do the heavy one????!!!

Louis Farrakhan said...

MUSLIMS ARE SHY

1. Shamelessness. One bad habit that has resulted from using of public urinals is the loss of personal modesty in the restroom. It is very common to see two men using the bathroom while having a conversation at the same time. Had they peeked over just a little they would have be able to see one another’s private parts. This is abhorrent. The Prophet said,

“Allah detests it when two people relieve themselves uncovered and have a conversation.”1

The Prophet would take so much care to seclude himself that Al-Mughīrah ibn Shu’bah said,

“I was travelling with the Prophet. When he needed to relieve himself, he went far away from me.”2

2. The Prophet said,

“When you go to the restroom, take three stones with you to clean yourself. That will suffice.” 3

Salman al-Fārisī, the Companion from Persia, was told,

“Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to use the bathroom.” He responded, “That is right. He told us not to…use our right hand when cleaning and to not use less than three stones to clean ourselves after we finish.”4

‘Ā’ishah (ra), the Prophet’s wife, said to a group of women, “Tell your husbands to clean themselves with water because I am embarrassed to tell them. This is what the Prophet used to do regularly.”5 Cleaning yourself, with either a solid substance or with water, is so important in Islam that once when the Prophet passed by a man’s grave he told Ibn ‘Abbās (ra) that the deceased man is being tortured, but not for a major sin: “He didn’t used to clean himself after urinating.”6

3. The Prophet said,

“Beware of the cursed ones.” Some people asked, “Who are the cursed ones?” He replied, “People who relieve themselves in public pathways or in shaded areas.”7

Abū Dāwūd 15, Ahmad 10884. ↩
Tirmidhī 20. ↩
Abū Dāwūd 36. ↩
Tirmidhī 16. ↩
Tirmidhī 19. ↩
Bukhārī 211. ↩
Muslim 269. ↩
Nasā’ī 29, Ibn Mājah 303, Aḥmad 23894. ↩
Bukhārī 217. ↩
Muslim 328. ↩

txvoltaire said...

Don't get into a pissing contest with that man!

Louis Farrakhan said...

THE QUESTION EVERY MOHAMMEDAN MUST ANSWER:

DO MOHAMMEDANS BELIEVE IN SANTA?

SANTA HAS HIS RUDOLPH
&
MUHAMMAD HAD HIS BURAQ

AIR BURAQ

Buraq The Red Nosed Donkey

Buraq, the red-nosed Donkey
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows.

All of the other Donkeys
used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Buraq
play in any Donkey games.

Then one foggy Ramadan eve
Muhammad came to say:
“Buraq with your nose so bright,
won't you guide me to Heaven tonight?"

Then all the Donkeys loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Buraq the red-nosed Donkey,
you'll go down in history!


MUHAMMAD’S NIGHT JOURNEY

No Muslim can deny the importance of Mohammed's night journey in Islam, because this trip determined the Islamic rituals of praying five times a day, and performing ablution - or washing before prayer. In other words Mohammed's night journey should impact the lives of 1.5 billion Muslims all over the world - five times - each and every day.

Qur’an, sura 17.1

“Glory to (Allah) Who did take His servant for a Journey by night from the Sacred Mosque to the farthest Mosque, whose precincts We did bless,- in order that We might show him some of Our Signs: for He is the One Who heareth and seeth (all things)”.

Mohammed's alleged overnight trip covered the 1,000 miles from Mecca to Jerusalem, a trip to heaven, and a return to Mecca by morning, and is described in part as follows:

Sahih Muslim, Book 001, Number 0309:
It is narrated on the authority of Anas b. Malik that the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: I was brought al-Buraq Who is an animal white and long, larger than a donkey but smaller than a mule, who would place his hoof a distance equal to the range of vision. I mounted it and came to the Temple (Bait Maqdis in Jerusalem), then tethered it to the ring used by the prophets. I entered the mosque and prayed two rak'ahs in it, and then came out and Gabriel brought me a vessel of wine and a vessel of milk.

So Mohammed flew on al-Buraq to the temple in Jerusalem, tied it up to a ring "the prophets" had used in the past, and went on in to the Temple to pray. Because of the fantastic nature of Mohammed's claims, some 21st century Muslims try to suggest that this was a vision or dream, but according to perhaps the most highly regarded historian of Islam:

Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 5, Book 58, Number 228:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
The sights which Allah's Apostle was shown on the Night Journey when he was taken to Bait-ul-Maqdis (i.e. Jerusalem) were actual sights, (not dreams). And the Cursed Tree (mentioned) in the Quran is the tree of Zaqqum (itself).

Additionally, the rock enshrined in the Dome of the Rock on the temple mount, is supposed to be where Mohammed and Baraq launched from, for the leg of the trip to heaven. So it would be untenable to suggest that Mohammed's journey was a dream or vision, while at the same time claiming that he launched from a very much physical and tangible rock, on the temple mount.

Historylover said...

I know this was posted in 2008, but I just ran across it and thought I would comment. I'm currently a PhD student in semitic languages at the University of Chicago so this phrase intrigued me. I give my credentials only to show that I am actually equipped to work closely with the original Hebrew, rather than from the English as the pastor in the video was. I have to say, that I get fairly upset when pastors, especially here in America, don't bother to get a higher degree and aren't working from the original. Obviously his interpretation is completely erroneous and has nothing to do with what the text actually says.
From a broader perspective the phrase is fairly interesting. There are similar references to this in Akkadian sources, so it is not wholly without support in the ancient Near East. Each of the six times are spoken within a curse formula in a derogatory fashion. Also, each passage references dogs (clabim). The meaning is not that men pee standing up, which is honestly ridiculous, but rather that some men, namely those who are recipients of the curse, are no better than dogs who pee in the streets against walls. So the meaning of the text is actually quite interesting and if you look at the Hebrew it brings to life to full force of the text.
I felt the need to post partially because I thought clarification was needed due to the damage caused by the atrocious sermon, but also to simply state that this money man shouldn't stand in for all Christians. I myself am a Christian, and the more I study, specifically in my field of ancient language and history, the more I am convinced. Even the foremost of scholars, atheist and Christian, see the Bible as an incredibly unique document in the ANE. After readin the comments, I realize that many of you are fairly angry and hostile towards Christians and Christianity, and after watching the horrible video I can understand why, however I would encourage you to take a second look at the Bible.

Steve Wells said...

So, Historylover, it doesn't bother you when God promises to kill everyone who pisses against a wall (as he bragged he would do to Jeroboam's family in 1 Kings 14:10, Baasha's family in 1 Kings 16:11, and Ahab's family 1 Kings 21:21 and 2 Kings 9:8). You're just fine with that. God can kill entire families any time he likes for any reason or no reason at all and you will praise him for it.

It's even OK with you if God uses disgusting language (he'll kill everyone that pisses against a wall) since when he does that he's just calling people "dogs" (since dog's are well-known wall pissers). And there's nothing wrong with calling people "wall pissing dogs" and then slaughter their entire families.

At least Steven Anderson is honest about his disgusting beliefs.