29 November 2007

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Not all of the nine on Cracked.com's list would make it onto mine, but then there are so many badass verses to choose from. Here are some that we can all agree on.

(The first number is the Cracked.com Badass rating; the second is the ranking at TopVerses.com. Believers just don't seem to like these verses much.)

#8 (15,995) 2 Kings 2:23-24

Okay, we've seen this one before. But isn't this a great picture?

And, of course, here's the moral of the story.

#7 (16,648) Ezekiel 23:19-20
No comment is needed on this one.

#4 (26,550)Deuteronomy 25:11-12

The Cracked.com authors (Wong and Ball) explain it this way.

Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this:

"Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We're thinking the answer is two.

#1 (8,876) 1 Samuel 18:25-27
This is my personal favorite.

And here's some of Ball and Wong's exegesis.

This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head:

What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf?

Did David think this was a strange request?

If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn't he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins?

Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off?

...

We're guessing we'll never know. It doesn't matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further.

Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn't blink, he's a keeper. But, if he's David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you've got a love for the ages.

Which verses are on your list?

8 comments:

Heathen Dan said...

Is there something wrong in the post? The list went from #4 to #1, with what seems to be an interpolation inserted in between. :p

Steve Wells said...

Not that I know of, heathen dan. The cracked.com list went from 9 to 1, and I kept the same order. I just kept the ones that I liked the most.

Erik said...

I love this list. the only thing I would point out is the translation in #8 softens the passage somewhat with the word "youths". the actual hebrew reads "qatan na'ar" which translates literally "little children".

Satantiago said...

Just how different circumcision makes the Jews? Did they copy it from the Egyptians? Does that mean YHWH made a covenant with the Egyptians first? Has it anything to do with the cult to Aton?

Satantiago said...

No answers???

zooplah said...

Those are really funny (I found the parts about Egyptian men to be hilarious, personally), but I find the male parts being referred to as "junk" a tad offensive. Maybe that's just me.

Errancy said...

Why did David kill 200 men to get 100 foreskins? Was he just picking out the best ones?

Muhamad Lodhi said...

And I thought it was just Islam that was full of crap.