22 February 2010

A skeptic is trampled to death

There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey's head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)
There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25
And women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other's sons.
This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28
But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)
Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1
An officer overheard Elisha's forecast for the commodities market, and he didn't believe it would happen. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn't fall so much in a single day.
Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a
Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn't be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he'd be dead.)
Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b
Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.
The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6
So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.
Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7
And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.
So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16
But what happened to the skeptical officer?

He was trampled to death.
And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said ... And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20
(I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)

God's next killing: God's seven year famine

8 comments:

skanksta said...

I vote 0 and it goes in your sub-folder of god-approved killings.

You can afford to be strict. It's not as if Yahweh is short for blood on his hands. Definitely >1,000 for the Moabites in G90K, though - sorry to go on, feel strongly about that one.

Junotheloon said...

While personally I think you should count it, in order for your count to be fair and accurate, I wouldn't. For situations like this, I would start a new count for killings God did not necessarily kill, but didn't stop (something along these lines). Basically, start a new column in your counting and add it there. That way, no one can say you were trying to embellish the already absurd number of deaths by God.

Richard said...

This is great work, Steve. Funny and true. Something which may amuse you: http://jesusfchrist.wordpress.com

joshua said...

This is like the killing of journalists in Russia - you can't prove who did it, but it sure sends a message.

twillight said...

I think it was a killing with G*d-allowed magic.

G*d is not at all blamed (except as source of that magic). The question is more like: did Elija just saw the future (unlikely), or changed it (seems so).

busterggi said...

Count it!

Never undercount a homicidal deity.

Nathan said...

Why would anyone want to buy bird poop, regardless of the economic conditions?

Matthew Blanchette said...

It's some tasty shit once you've feasted on nothing but donkey brains for a week...