17 September 2010

Solutions for masturbaters

Christine O’Donnell, the 2010 Republican senate nominee from Delaware, was on a crusade during the 90s to stamp out masturbation. Here's what she said about it.

The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.

And I think she's right about that. You can't masturbate without lust. (Go ahead and give it a try.)

And Jesus said that whoever lusts commits adultery.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

So there you go. Masturbation is adultery.

Now the Bible is clear on what we should do with adulterers (masturbaters).

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

So whether you commit adultery with another man's wife or you commit adultery with your own hand, it's all the same to God, Christine O'Donnell, and the Republican Tea Party. You shall surely be put to death.

But there is a way out, if you're man (or woman) enough to do it. Don't commit adultery with your hand; cut if off instead.

If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:30

When you consider the options, it makes a lot of sense. Masturbation is adultery, adulterers must be executed, and God tortures dead masturbaters forever in hell.

So the next time you're tempted to commit adultery with your own hand, take Jesus and Christine O'Donnell's advice. Cut it off instead (hand, eye, whatever).

Or do as Stephen Colbert suggests and marry your hand!


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25 comments:

Randy said...

So if I take one for the team and masturbate while thinking of Ann Coulter (Wait a second, hear me out on this) that makes her an adulteress and she will be stoned to death.

Am I following that right?

busterggi said...

But since I'm not married & can choose an unmarried woman to lust after (say, Christine O'Donnell) then its not adultery because no marriage is involved.

not said...

Randy.. that's an interesting spin on it. Why shouldn't the woman also be destroyed for his imaginings.. she was psychicly tarnished.

I remember something about how one's seed shouldn't be wasted (that poor brother who spilt his seed on the floor, rather than in his brothers wife)..
still, what if I were to think of the Virgin Mary while masturbating? Surely God would approve of this. He understands that men are only so strong.

I don't know how I could go a week without having my blue balls drop off. On day eight I'd be shoving my dick into a meat grinder..
Perhaps that's why priests find young boys so attractive. They haven't had sex in 30 years so a sheep's ass would be as appealing as some cute asian girls box of glory.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith said...

Ii cvuyt oifff m,y hjanmds bvut nopw itgs hjarrd to tyupe!!

skanksta said...

impeccable logic and a truly selfless act Randy !

twillight said...

Just for the heck of it I wonder what the Talmud says on the topic.
I've finished the Quran, so I can go back to that other silly book :D

Charles said...

Is it true Christine O’Donnell is a witch?

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i9rv3pJ0e0ju_X-K2vMUfo7Mah-wD9IAPCK80

http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/says_about/witches.html

Matthew Blanchette said...

Hey, it's the good Rev. Powell Smith! What are you doin' here? :-)

twillight said...

Oh, so much thx Matthew! With your hint I finally could decipher that comment :-)

Xaratherus said...

If the world followed her rules, The Fugitive's villain would have been far more difficult to track down:

"I'm looking for the one-armed man! Oh, wait - shit..."

I suppose that Ms. O'Donnell wouldn't agree with H.L. Mencken's statement, then: "Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time."

madmax said...

In the context of the socialist onslaught by nearly all of today's politicians, especially the Leftist ones, Christine O'Donnell and the Tea Party in general is a good thing. I don't care if O'Donnell speaks in tongues so long as she votes against cap and trade, tax hikes, votes for a repeal of ObamaCare etc..

Today's secularists are more often than not a bunch of pro-welfare state Leftists. I say this as the most atheistic person who has ever posted here (I'm a strong atheist that thinks that the god concept is nonsense on the epistemological level - not just that there is no proof for it - its inherently arbitrary thus nonsensical). Nevertheless, if I were in Delaware, I would vote for O'Donnell without hesitation, no matter that she has some insane religious view.

Compared to the Left, O'Donnell's craziness is tame. The Left want's to make me into a slave of a socialist state. Career Republican politicians have no problem in helping them. O'Donnell and the Tea Party is a small move in defiance of this. This is perhaps the best development in American politics since the Founding.

Steve Wells said...

My but you're angry, madmax.

What is it about the pro-welfare, socialist state that you hate so much? Is the public library, public parks, public schools, highways, bridges, space program, science funding, or what? What is it that pisses you off so much?

TaoCat said...

Steve, isn't it obvious what madmax is angry about? Public education. They "want's" to turn him into a socialist. The shame.

mariolandblog said...

WTF?
So I cut off my genitals, because they offended me and became a eunuch for the kingdom of heavens sake, like Jesus said in Matthew 19:12, but now I read in Deuteronomy 23:1, that I now cannot enter the congregation of the LORD anymore. Fuck that! (Well I would if I could...)

Steve Wells said...

Good point, marioloandblog! I forgot about Deuteronomy 23:1. I guess it'd be better to cut off your hand. But pray about it. Ask Jesus if you should cut off your hand as he says in Matthew 5:30 or your penis as in Matthew 19:12. He'll make it clear which is right for you. He always does, you know.

TaoCat said...

@not- You're thinking of Onan's sin, which caused no end of confusion concerning masturbation. Onan was just practising birth control, but was in trouble as there are substantial penalties for early withdrawal.

skanksta said...

to The Rev BPS - I've bought all your books - they make great Christmas presents - and I want to know when you're bringing out your entire oeuvre - the complete Lego Bible ?!

skanksta said...

madmax ?!

There are plenty of nationalist, right-wing regimes in Europe - we used to have one in Britain that was akin to a mild, fascist coup - but none of them would dream of cutting free health care.

Having free health care makes you civilised - not socialist.

Aquaria said...

Today's secularists are more often than not a bunch of pro-welfare state Leftists.

And I'm damned proud of it. It would be different if selfish privileged pricks like you didn't think you scored a triple because you were born on third, and therefore all the goodies of this world are yours. Somebody has to make this world livable despite you.

I say this as the most atheistic person who has ever posted here (I'm a strong atheist that thinks that the god concept is nonsense on the epistemological level - not just that there is no proof for it - its inherently arbitrary thus nonsensical).

It's not a contest, bub. Either you are one, or you're not. That's the problem with you conservatives: you make things competitive when it's just plain stupid to do that.

Nevertheless, if I were in Delaware, I would vote for O'Donnell without hesitation, no matter that she has some insane religious view.

See paragraph one: Selfish, privileged prick.

Compared to the Left, O'Donnell's craziness is tame.

The Left of your fevered fantasies lives in reality. Your insane bag of bullshit does not. That you would support someone with such a tenuous hold on reality makes you as insane as her.

The Left want's to make me into a slave of a socialist state.

You've never met a socialist, have you? By the way, conservatives want to make us slaves to the rich and corporations. They're succeeding, too.

Career Republican politicians have no problem in helping them.

You're confusing socialists with corporations and the wealthy class.

O'Donnell and the Tea Party is a small move in defiance of this.

If by "this", you mean reality, fair play, liberty for all (not just white Anglo-Saxon Protestant and heterosexual males) and basic human decency.

This is perhaps the best development in American politics since the Founding.

Only if you're a selfish, privileged prick. And one who is apparently content to let the insane run the asylum.

That makes you an insane selfish, privileged prick. But then, that's why you're a conservative.

Laurie said...

Poor madmax (although a fitting nom de plume, one would think). Yes, Maxy, we in the enlightened world call such things as socialised medicine, progressive taxation, and so-on "Civilisation". Just keep pouring your seed into Christine O'Donnell centrefolds, there's a good boy, and leave public affairs to the adults.

(By the way - nice blog, Steve!)

Hammy said...

There is only one right way to go about this. Masturbate using Christine O’Donnell's hand... Then cut that off.

But of course, we only have 2 of those, and about 6 billion masturbators. But remember... Jesus fed thousands using five loaves of bread and two fishes. Maybe there's hope.

Rudy said...

We can all feel justified in hurling stones at the witch, Christine O'Donnell-
Leviticus 20:27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

Marcus Merjil said...

I am against masturbation. Our desire is supposed to be for our wives (sexually and lovingly) and for God (spiritually and hopefully). One should reframe from anything that causes him to sin at any cost by the grace of God. We Christians do struggle, everyday, with many things. But before being saved there was no struggle, no battle. But now when we are tempted or get foolish urges to do wrongfully we must stop and pray for God to get us through it IN JESUS'S NAME. God bless ask of you who are walking with and seeking the Lord.

Marcus Merjil said...

God bless all of you*...

James Fauver said...

Aquaria, you hit the nail right on the damn head about this Mad Max wanker. That we have based our society on a fairy-tale about an old man in the sky - angry, jealous, vengeful, murderous - and these sheep buy into it sickens me.Surely it's a snare of the "devil", that these people believe they are somehow privy to sacred knowledge concerning religion, politics, and what is good for everyone else by their decree. Based on 2000 years of Judaic-Christian non-sense, and the way we've lived and done each other, we deserve whatever we get - plague, comet, nuclear war - when it comes we are getting exactly what we deserve. In Jesus name, amen.