01 November 2010

Surah 2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

If anyone asks you about drinking and gambling, here's what Allah says to say.

They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. 2:219a

Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either.

If you're wondering how much is too much, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous.

And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. 2:219b

Allah makes all his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.

Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect. 2:219c

But don't drink and gamble away all your superfluous stuff. Save some for orphans.

And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. 2:220

Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Mormon woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Christian man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway?

Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire. 2:221

And what about menstruation, you ask? Well, Allah has this to say about that.

Menstruation is a filthy disease. All good Muslim men should stay the hell away from menstruating women And for God sakes, don't have sex with them while they're menstruating. It creeps Allah out just to think of it.

But don't worry guys. After they clean up you can have sex with them whenever you want. Allah loves clean men as much as he hates menstruating women.

They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness. 2:222

You see, in the mind of Allah, women are like a dirty field for you to plow with your penis. Plow them whenever you like (as long as they're not menstruating, of course.)

Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will. 2:223

Still, if you decide you don't want to have sex with your wives, Allah is OK with that, too. Wait four months, then if you change your mind, go ahead and have sex with them. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Fucking Crazy.

Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:226

Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce. If they skip one of their filthy periods, they must not hide it. In such a case, Allah suggests that their ex-husbands take their pregnant wives back.

Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. 2:228a

Allah says that women have rights similar to the men that rule over them. It's just that men, you see, are better then women. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Misogynistic.

And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:228b

I'm not going to go through all of Allah's rules for Holy Divorce. But here are a few highlights. None of it makes any sense to me.

First of all, you must divorce your wife twice. And she can ransom herself, whatever that might mean.

Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers. 2:229

But if you divorce your wife for the third time, you can't have her again until she marries another guy. Then if the other guy divorces her, it's OK for you to have sex with your thrice-divorced wife. What the hell. These are the limits of Allah.

And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge. 2:230

After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.

When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. 2:231

If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again. It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.

And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not. 2:232

Mothers should breast feed their kids for two years, but they don't have to if they don't want to. And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.

Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do. 2:233

After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.

Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do. 2:234

Allah is telling you this so you can understand.

Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand. 2:242

Bogging the Quran
2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories


sinclair said...

>Then if the other guy divorces her, it's OK for you to have sex with your thrice-divorced wife.

Four times divorced; the other guy also has to divorce twice ))

Steve Wells said...

Hey thanks, sinclair, for the correction. I hope I didn't cause anyone to mess up having sex with a four-times divorced wife and thereby do something outside the limits of Allah!