05 July 2012

Three more ways that Muhammad is better than Jesus

In a previous post, I discussed the important question: who had the most powerful spit, Jesus or Muhammad?

But what about the other characteristics of Jesus and Mo?

Well, here are three more ways that the founders of the two largest religions can be compared. (Information about Muhammad is from the Ash-Shifa.)

  1. Mo had pure women ancestors all the way back to Eve. 

    From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13

    A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13

    Jesus didn't. (His 47th or so great grandfather was the son of a prostitute.)

    It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. ... When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he said ... let me come in unto thee ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And  twins were in her womb. ... Pharez and Zarah. Genesis 38.13-28

    Jesus ... being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli ... [46 or so generations] ... which was the son of Phares. Luke 3.33

    Judas and Tamar (the mother of Pharez)

  2. Mo was born already circumcised. 

    When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut. … He was clean when he was born. p.46

    Jesus wasn't. 

    When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS.  Luke 2:21

    The circumcision of Jesus

  3. Mo was endowed with the sexual power of forty men and had sex with all of his wives every night. 

    There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56

    In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56

    Jesus never married (although he plans to get married someday) and had sex with no one. 

     The marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7

    And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife. Revelation 21:9

    Jesus' bride making herself ready

8 comments:

fenm said...

Ya know, it's funny how in #1 you say Muhammad is better because none of his ancestors had sex outside marriage, but in #3 you say, "Jesus never married [...] had sex with no one."

Well, yes, obviously if he never married he never had sex. Because if he had sex without the benefit of marriage, that would have been a bad thing, right? You said so in #1.

Seriously; reading this whole post was weird. Are you really this conservative and... traditional about sex? Jesus was bad because one of his ancestors was a prostitute, Muhammad is better because he married and had sex... God forbid anyone stray outside the norm and decide they want to have sex the way they want to, or [gasp] NOT have sex at all. And honestly? I haven't even scratched the surface of what bothers me about this post.

Steve Wells said...

Well gosh, fenm, I'm sorry to have upset you. But maybe it'd help to know that I wasn't being entirely serious. I have no real interest in the contest between Jesus and Mo. I think they both are full of shit. (And so are their followers.)

Stephen said...

What Steve said.
Also, my goodness, that Jesus was a well-endowed little tyke, and quite a hunk for an 8-day-old. I'm surprised the mohel isn't using his mouth to draw out the blood... maybe he hasn't gotten to that part yet (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohel). Is that his "father" he's looking at with a sort of "Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot" expression?
Steve Weeks

Steve Wells said...

Yeah, Steve, I think Jesus had Mo beat in that department, at least if that picture is accurate. But we'll never know for sure because no one ever saw Mo naked, not even his favorite wife, Aisha. It's a damned shame too, since that could settle the matter once and for all.

fenm said...

Steve Wells said:
"But maybe it'd help to know that I wasn't being entirely serious."

Not really? I mean, I'm not sure why this "contest" was based on such old fashioned, sexist (against both genders) ideas. Are you trying to make fun of them? I guess I just don't get the point of all of this.

Oh, wow, I just read the bit about Muhammad and his wives...

"and would visit all of his wives in the same hour.
[...]
After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath Pg 56.

So, with 13 wives, he spent less than five minutes with each, and that includes the time for "purification bath". So, really, what this means is he didn't believe in foreplay, and orgasmed in about a minute. It's interesting that this is assumed to have "satisfied" his wives when really all it probably did was leave them frustrated and having to... er, "take care of business" on their own.

No said...

40 little ladies in one hour pfffff... that's bagatelle in comparison to what Good ol' Chuck can deliver with his tool.

But do people turn this fact into a religion per se ?

Well... maybe I guess.

Hugh said...

You seem to assume that having part of one's penis missing is a good thing....

Steve Wells said...

No, Hugh, I don't assume that having part of one's penis missing is a good thing. But God sure as hell does -- as do, I suppose, Muslims, Jews, and Christians, who tend to agree with him.