God's 76th Killing: God killed a couple hundred thousand people because David did a census that God told him to do

This is not an easy one to explain, but I'll give it a try.

It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do this year.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:1?

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together. In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:9

Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?

And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 1 Chronicles 21:5

Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!

After the census, David decided that he has done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.

And David's heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24:10

And God was pissed off, too, at least that's what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered him three choices:

1. Seven years of famine (or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 11),

2. Three months of losing battles,

3. Or Three days of pestilence.

For when David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad ... saying ... Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. ... Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? 2 Samuel 24:11-13

David couldn't decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (only men count to God).

So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:15

But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence that he chose as David's punishment for doing the census that he asked him to do. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But then God "repented him of the evil" that he intended to do and told the angel to stop.

(OK, I know. God doesn't repent, so when the Bible said that God "repented of the evil" that he intended to do, it meant something else entirely.)

And when the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24:16

When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, "I've sinned, but what have these people done?" A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.

And David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24:17

Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals for God to get him to quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.

And God finally stopped killing people.

And Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite ... So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24:17-25

So it all worked out fine, and God said to himself, as the Brick Testament suggests, "This worked out well. Killing 200,000 Israelites but not harming David will teach him not to take a census when I tell him to take a census."

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Both the poverty and justice bible and The Green Bible highlight verses from this story.

Here are highlighted verses from the poverty and justice bible:

After David had everyone counted, he felt guilty and told the Lord, "What I did was wrong. Lord, please forgive me."

Before David even got up the next morning, the Lord had told David's prophet Gad to take a message to David. Gad went to David and told him:

You must choose one of three ways for the Lord to punish you: will there be seven years when the land won't grow enough food for your people? Or will your enemies chase you and make you run from them for three months? Or will there be three days of horrible disease in your land? Think about it and decide, because I have to give your answer to God, who sent me.

And here are the highlighted verses from the Green Bible.

So the Lord sent a pestilence on Israel from that morning until the appointed time; and seventy thousand of the people died, from Dan to Beer-sheba.

...

David built there an altar to the Lord and offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being. So the Lord answered his supplication for the land, and the plague was averted from Israel.

Any guesses as to why these verses would be highlighted in these Bibles?

David's Mighty Men and their Amazing Killings

There is a list of crazy killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that I don't know what to do with. God obviously approves of them, but should they be included on his list of killings?

These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a

These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had ... to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a

1. The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8

   Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b

   The two accounts disagree on who was the chief of the captains and how may he killed with his spear at one time. Was it Adino or Jashobeam, 300 or 800? Maybe it was two different captains in two different slaughters. I'll let the believers sort it out.

   But I'm not giving God credit for this one (or these ones), since neither account says that God participated in any way (besides cheering on the sidelines, of course).

2. Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10

   Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14

   But what about this one? The son of Dodo smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, "and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." So God was involved somehow. Did he provide the glue that stuck the son of Dodo's hand to the sword? We may never know for sure.

3. Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:12

   Shammah isn't mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since "the Lord wrought a great victory." I'd like a bit more detail, though, before convicting him.

4. Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18

   Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20

   Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear, but there's no mention of God, so I'll leave him out of it.

5. Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21

   Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian's hand was a spear like a weaver's beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian's hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23

   This one is my favorite. Jehoiada killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian's spear.

   But he may have done these wonderful deeds on his own, without any help from God (though God certainly approved), so I'll leave it off his list.

So only 2 and 3 seem to be candidates for God's killings, since they say, "the Lord wrought a great victory." But that seems too vague to me, so I'll leave them off God's list.

After I finish going through all of God's killings, I'll put together a list of the God-approved killings in the Bible. That's going to be a long list!

God's 74th and 75th Killings: Famine and Human Sacrifice

The Bible doesn't say much about God's 74th killing. It all happens in a single verse.

Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 2 Samuel 21:1

We only know that God sent a three-year famine on Israel because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn't say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)

So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make God stop starving the Israelites.

The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul's seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.

And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:5-6

David agreed, giving them two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons. "And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord."

The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites to death.

And after that God was intreated for the land. 2 Samuel 21:14

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The Bible doesn't say how many Israelites were starved to death by God during the three year famine. I'll guess 3000 -- 1000 each year for the famine, plus another 7 for Saul's 2 sons and 5 grandsons.

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This story (part of it, anyway) is highlighted in The Poverty and Justice Bible. Here are the highlighted words (2 Samuel 21:1-3).

While David was king, there were three years in a row when the nation of Israel could not grow enough food. So David asked the Lord for help, and the Lord answered, "Saul and his family are guilty of murder, because he had the Gibeonites killed.

David called the Gibeonites to him, and he talked with them. He said, "What can I do to make up for what Saul did, so that you'll ask the Lord to be kind to his people again."

And that does sound nice, doesn't it? David is trying to make amends with the Gibeonites for past injustices done by the Israelites. What a model for peace and justice today!

The editors aren't bothered by the idea that God would starve people to death for what their former and now-dead king did long ago.

And they are completely OK with the idea of sacrificing to God the sons and grandsons of the former king to encourage God to "be kind to his people again" (by not starving them to death).

Oh well, I guess they had to find something to highlight in 2 Samuel!

Would the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act criminalize the preaching of Leviticus 20:13?

I think it would. Here's why.

Leviticus 20:13 reads as follows:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

This is, according to the Bible, a direct quote from God. It says simply this: "Male homosexual acts are an abomination. Anyone who performs such acts must be killed."

Or even more simply: "Kill Homosexuals."

If a pastor read Leviticus 20:13 and told his followers that they should do as God says in this verse, he or she would be advocating (and, therefore, aiding and abetting under Section 2, Title 18 of the U.S. code) a violent crime against homosexuals, which would be a criminal act under the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act.

Of course, it's unlikely that any Christian minister would read Leviticus 20:13 in church. Even the most vile and virulent Bible believers are embarrassed by this verse, and no one, not even Steven Anderson or Fred Phelps, is crazy enough to tell followers to do what God clearly commands them all to do in Leviticus 20:13.

But a preacher that did that would not just be crazy, but also a criminal under the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act.

God's 73rd Killing: God slowly kills a baby

You've probably heard the story about David and Bathsheba. You know, the one where David sees Bathsheba taking a bath, and since he likes what he sees, he has sex with her. She becomes pregnant with David's child and David sends her husband (Uriah) into the front lines to be killed.

But that's not what this story is about. In fact, the killing of Uriah is the only one of David's many killings that God disapproved of. David had Uriah killed and God had nothing to do with it.

But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD. 2 Samuel 11:27

God was displeased with David for killing Uriah and taking his wife, but he forgave him for it.

The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 2 Samuel 12:13

But God had to do something to show his displeasure. Here's what he decided to do: he'd have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches.

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

[It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom. (2 Samuel 16:22)]

But that didn't quite do it. David had caused God's enemies to blaspheme, so God had to give them something else to blaspheme about. But what?

Kill the baby, that's what.

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 2 Samuel 12:14

And that's what God did, but not all at once. He let the baby suffer for a while.

And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. 2 Samuel 12:15

When God made the baby sick, David pleaded with God to stop tormenting him. But God wouldn't listen.

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. 2 Samuel 12:16

Finally, after the baby suffered for seven days, God killed him.

On the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:18

After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.

David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he ... did eat. Then said his servants unto him ... when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread. 2 Samuel 12:20-21

The story has a happy ending, though. After Bathsheba's baby boy is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." (He's such a nice guy!)

And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her. 2 Samuel 12:24a

And Bathsheba conceives and bears another son (Solomon).

And she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon. 2 Samuel 12:24b

And God loved Solomon. (He probably said to himself, as the Brick Testament suggests, "I don't think I'll kill this one.")

And the LORD loved him. 2 Samuel 12:24c

How's that for a fucked up Bible story?

God's 72nd Killing: God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it from one city after another trying to keep God away from their asses.

The Philistines finally got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then they looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 Bethshemeshites.

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.

That was the condensed version. Here's the story from the Bible.

David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims. And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark. And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:1-7

I guess this was God's way of saying, "Thanks".

God's 70th and 71st Killings: God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

When we last left David, he was busy killing Amalekites for the Philistines and performing random acts of genocide for them.

Well things have changed. David is now king of both Israel and Judah, and he's fighting his old friends, the Philistines -- with God's help, of course.

God is David's military adviser. David asked him if he should attack the Philistines, and God said, "Attack: I will help you kill them."

And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 2 Samuel 5:19

So David attacked and killed the Philistines. After the massacre, David said, "The Lord has burst forth before my enemies like a bursting flood" and he named it "Baalperazim" -- or some stupid name like that.

And David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place Baalperazim. 2 Samuel 5:20

When they finished slaughtering the Philistines at Baalperazim, David asked God if they should do it again. And God said, "Yeah, let's do it again. Only this time attack from behind when you hear troops marching in the tree tops."

When David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. Then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines.2 Samuel 5:23-24

God, I tell you, is a military genius!

So David waited until he heard noises in the mulberry trees and then followed God, smiting the Philistines from behind.

And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines. 2 Samuel 5:25

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The Bible doesn't say how many Philistines died in these two killings, so I'll just give it the usual 1000 for each.

How much are you worth to God?

Not much, I'm afraid.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ...
thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old ... fifty shekels of silver....
And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.
And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.
And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.
And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels. Leviticus 27:1-7

Here's a table to make it a little easier to see.

The Value of Human Life (in shekels of silver)

Age	Sex	Value (in Shekels of Silver)
less than one month (Newborn babies and fetuses)	male	0
	female	0
one month to 5 years	male	5
	female	3
5 to 20 years	male	20
	female	10
20 to 60 years	male	50
	female	30
over 60 years	male	15
	female	10

And here's a graph, showing the same information.

So now you know how much you're worth in shekels of silver. But what would that be in U.S. dollars?

Well a shekel is about 11.95 grams and a kilogram of silver sells today for about $525. So here's the true value of every human life in dollars and cents.

The Value of Human Life (in U.S. dollars)

Age	Sex	Value (in U.S. dollars)
less than one month (Newborn babies and fetuses)	male	0
	female	0
one month to 5 years	male	31.37
	female	18.82
5 to 20 years	male	125.48
	female	62.74
20 to 60 years	male	313.69
	female	188.21
over 60 years	male	94.11
	female	62.74

From the graph, a few things are obvious.

1. People aren't worth very much to God.

2. Males are worth more than females.
   (A females is worth one-half to two-thirds a male depending on age.)

3. Newborn babies (less than 1 month old) and fetuses are worth nothing at all.

David killed the Amalekite messenger (and God approved of this killing)

There are some things about Saul's death that every believer has to believe.

1. That God killed Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. (God told him to commit complete genocide on the Amalekites, but Saul kept one guy alive after killing all the others.)

2. That God told Saul the day before his death (through a dead man brought back to life by a witch) that he and his sons would be killed because he didn't kill all the Amalekites.

3. That Saul was killed not for not killing all the Amalekites, but for "not enquiring of the Lord" -- even though Saul inquired of the Lord, but the Lord wouldn't answer him. (That's why he had to ask a witch to bring Samuel back to life so that Samuel would tell him what God wanted him to do.)

4. That Saul was killed by the Philistines.

5. That he committed suicide.

6. That God killed him.

7. And that an Amalekite killed him (even though Saul had just killed all the Amalekites except one, who was hacked to death by Samuel, and David slaughtered them twice after that).

Here is the story about the last one.

The first verse of Second Samuel is this:

Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag. 2 Samuel 1:1

That's right. Second Samuel begins with David returning "from the slaughter of the Amalekites." It's hard to see how David could have found any Amalekites to slaughter since Saul killed them all just a little while before, but maybe God created some more Amalekites just so David could slaughter them again. He might have. He's the type.

In any case, when David came back from slaughtering Amalekites, a messenger was waiting for him. And who do you think the messenger was? That's right, an Amalekite!

The Amalekite told him that Saul was mortally wounded and asked him to put him out of his misery. So he did. Then he removed Saul's bracelet and crown and brought them to David.

So I stood upon him, and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord. 2 Samuel 1:10

When David heard this, he and all of his men "rent their clothes" (Bible folks are always doing that).

Then David took hold on his clothes, and rent them; and likewise all the men that were with him. 2 Samuel 1:11

David then thanked the Amalekite for his kindness by having one of his "young men fall upon him."

And David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died. 2 Samuel 1:15

Now we know for sure that God approved of this killing because God approved of everything that David ever did (except for "the matter of Uriah," which I'll talk about later).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

God loved David and he hates Amalekites.

If you have a problem with that, you need to find another God.

God's Killings in 1 Samuel

Here's a summary of God's killings in 1 Samuel.

	Killing Event	Verse	Estimated number killed	Cumulative total
1	God killed Eli's sons	4:11	2	2
2	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	5:6	3000	3002
3	50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord	6:19	50,070	53,072
4	The Lord thundered with great thunder upon the Philistines	7:10-11	1000	54,072
5	The Ammonite Massacre	11:11	1000	55,072
6	Jonathan's very first slaughter	14:14	20	55,092
7	God forces the Philistines to kill each other	14:20	1000	56,092
8	The Amalekite massacre	15:2-3	10,000	66,092
9	Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord	15:32-33	1	66,093
10	The Lord said unto David, go and smite the Philistines	23:2-5	1000	67,093
11	The Lord smote Nabal	25:38	1	67,094
12	David spends the day killing Amalekites	30:17	1000	68,094
13	Israelite soldiers killed (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites -- or for not inquiring of the Lord)	31:1	100	68,194
14	Saul and his sons	31:2-4	4	68,198

There are other notable killings in 1 Samuel that involve God in one way or another. I didn't include them in God's killings since it wasn't entirely clear (to me at least) that God was directly involved. Here are a few posts about these killings.

• Did God help David kill Goliath?

• David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins

• David joined the Philistines and committed random acts of genocide for them

Let me know if I missed any or if I got some of the numbers wrong.