God's 17th Killing: Moses talks God out of killing several million Jews (so God kills ten other guys instead)

OK this one requires a bit of explanation.

The story begins in chapter 13 where Moses sends out 12 scouts (one from each of the tribes of Israel) to check out the land of Canaan.

Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many. Numbers 13:17-18

So the twelve spies go and do that.

When they get back, Caleb says

Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. Numbers 13:30

But the other ten (the Bible doesn't say what Joshua said) disagree.

The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33

So Caleb (and Joshua?) say it would be easy to take over the land of Canaan, while the other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison to them.)

When the people heard the reports, they believed the giant story and were a bit discouraged. So they decided to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt.

And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! ... And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. Numbers 14:1-4

Joshua and Caleb try to talk them out of it.

And Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes ... saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. Numbers 14:6-8

But the people weren't buying it. They didn't want to fight any damned giants. So they decide to stone Joshua and Caleb (with stones).

All the congregation bade stone them with stones. Numbers 14:10

And then God gets involved. He tells Moses that he's sick of their whining, so he's going to kill them all. He'll smite them with the pestilence and then make some better people to replace them. People who wouldn't whine so God damned much.

And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? ... I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they. Numbers 14:11-12

But Moses talks him out of it. He says the Egyptians will hear about it and say that God couldn't get the people to obey him so he had to kill them all. How would that look to the neighbors?

And Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it ... And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land ... Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness. Numbers 14:13-16

So God decided not to kill everyone. Not yet, anyway. But he says that he'll make sure that all their carcasses rot in the wilderness (at least all those that are over 20 years old).

Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me ... But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years ... the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die. Numbers 14:29-35

And that would have been the end of the story, except that God was still pissed off about those ten scouts, even though they were just doing their jobs ("To spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many."). So he killed them in a plague.

And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land, Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:36-37

---

(Note: I originally estimated that 100 were killed in this episode, but it seems fairly clear that there were only 10.)

51 ways to get yourself saved

(Re-post since I've found a few more ways to get saved.)

Paul Simon says there must be 50 ways to leave your lover. And if you believe the Bible, there are more than 50 ways to get saved.
(Pick any one of these and it should work for you. I recommend #50, although #29 might be worth a try. And Mark Sanford should consider #33.)

1. Say the right things.

   For by thy words thou shalt be justified. -- Matthew 12:37

2. Do the right things.

   And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life. -- John 5:29

   For you render to each one according to his works. -- Psalm 62:12

   I the Lord ... give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. -- Jeremiah 17:10

   For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works. -- Matthew 16.27

   For we must all appear before the jugment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. -- 2 Corinthians 5:10

   Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works. -- 2 Corinthians 11:15

   What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? -- James 2:14

   The Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work. -- 1 Peter 1:17

   I will give unto every one of you according to your works. -- Revelation 2:23

   And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. -- Revelation 20:12-13

3. Believe the right things.

   A man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. -- Romans 3:28

   Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. -- Romans 5:1

   A man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ. -- Galatians 2:16

   For by grace are ye saved through faith. -- Ephesians 2:8

4. Do and believe the right things.

   Faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. -- James 2:17

5. Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned.

   Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. -- Matthew 25:34-36

6. Do what is lawful and right.

   When the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness ... and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul. -- Ezekiel 18:27

7. Do the will of Jesus' father.

   Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 7:21

8. Be a doer of the law.

   Who will render to each one according to his deeds. ... For not the hearers of the law are just in the sight of God, but the doers of the law will be justified. -- Romans 2:6, 13

9. See Jesus and believe in him.

   Every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:40

10. Believe in Jesus.

    Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -- John 3:16

    He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life. -- John 3:36

    Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life. -- John 6:47

    Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved. -- Acts 16:31

11. Be born again.

    Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. -- John 3:3

12. Hear the words of Jesus and believe in whoever sent him.

    He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life. -- John 5:24

13. Be born of water and the spirit.

    Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5

14. Be dead with Jesus.

    It is a faithful saying: For if we be dead with him, we shall also live with him: -- 2 Timothy 2:11

15. Be washed by the Holy Ghost.

    Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost. -- Titus 3:5

16. Be converted and become like a little child.

    Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 18:3

17. Hate your own life.

    he man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

18. Lose your life for Christ's sake.

    For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. -- Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, Luke 17:33

19. Give a cup of water to a Christian.

    For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. -- Matthew 10:42, Mark 9:41

20. Believe and be baptized.

    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. -- Mark 16:16

21. Belong to a household that has at least one believer.

    And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. -- Acts 16:31

    For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. -- 1 Corinthians 7:14

22. Call upon the name of the Lord.

    Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved. -- Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13

23. Confess with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead.

    If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. -- Romans 10:9

24. Follow the commandments (at least some of them).

    If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments. He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -- Matthew 19:17-19

    Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life. -- Revelation 22:14

25. Keep some of the commandments, give all your money to the poor, and follow Jesus.

    And a certain ruler asked him, saying, Good Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? ... Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother. And he said, All these have I kept from my youth up.
    ...thou one thing: sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me.-- Luke 18:18-22

26. Keep the commandments of God and the faith of Jesus.

    Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. -- Revelation 14:12

27. Love the truth.

    And with all deceivableness of unrighteousness in them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. -- 2 Thessalonians 2:10

28. Endure to the end.

    He that endureth to the end shall be saved. -- Matthew 10:22, 24:13, Mark 13:13

29. Wait until you die and then get baptized (after your dead).

    Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? -- 1 Corinthians 15:29

30. Don't judge other people.

    Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. -- Matthew 7:1, Luke 6:37

31. Have lots of babies (and be faithful, charitable, holy, and sober).

    And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. -- 1 Timothy 2:14-15

32. Get saved by your spouse.

    For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? -- 1 Corinthians 7:16

33. Turn yourself over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so your spirit may be saved. (For fornicators only.)

    It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you ... deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. -- 1 Corinthians 5:1-5

34. Abandon your home and family for Jesus' name's sake.

    And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. -- Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

35. Don't be a serpent or a viper, and make sure none of your ancestors were prophet killers.

    Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? -- Matthew 23:31-33

36. Try to enter through the straight gate.

    Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. -- Luke 13:23-24

37. Become an Israeli citizen.

    And so all Israel shall be saved: as it is written, There shall come out of Sion the Deliverer, and shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob. -- Romans 11:26

38. Don't defile yourself with women. (Be a virgin male.)

    ...the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. -- Revelation 14:4

39. Don't be ashamed of Jesus.

    Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels. -- Mark 8:38

40. Don't let anyone see you do anything good.

    Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. -- Matthew 6:1

41. Be given by the Father and come to the Son.

    All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. -- John 6:37

42. Be chosen (predestinated) by God.

    For many are called, but few are chosen. -- Matthew 22:14

    No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:44

    For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate ... Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. -- Romans 8:29-30

    For the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to election might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth. -- Romans 9:11

    He hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love. Having predestinated us ... according to the good pleasure of his will. -- Ephesians 1:4-5

43. Be poor, not rich.

    Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. -- Matthew 19:23-24

    But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation. -- Luke 6:24

    Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. -- James 5:1

44. Be last.

    But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first. -- Matthew 19:30, Mark 10:31

45. Be more righteous than the scribes and Pharisees.

    Except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. -- Matthew 5:20

46. Eat the bread that comes down from heaven.

    This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. -- John 6:50

47. Eat Jesus' body and blood.

    Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. -- John 6:53-54

48. Just ask.

    Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. -- Matthew 7:7-8

49. Love God and your neighbor.

    He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. -- Luke 10:26

50. All you need is love.

    Love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God. -- 1 John 4:7

51. Believe in the foolishness of preaching.

    For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. -- 1 1 Corinthians 1:21

Let me know if you find any others.

God's 16th Killing: While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

In his last killing, God burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach the people a lesson: Don't whine.

But if so, it didn't work. Those that survived God's fire immediately began to whine again, saying

Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11:4-6

So Moses and God talk things over and God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. Numbers 11:19-20

Where did God get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.

And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:31

God coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep, within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter. Six trillion (6 x 10¹²) dead quail. A couple million for each of several million people.

So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this:

If you are hungry, just ask God to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But God will feed you.

Or that would be the moral, if it weren't for the next verse.

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33

So God fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with "a very great plague."

Which means we need a new moral for this WTF Bible Story:

If you are hungry, don't ask God for help. He'll force you to eat food that you don't like until it comes out your nose and then he'll kill you in a plague.

God hates whiners.

(Since this was "a very great plague," I put the death toll at 10,000.)

God's 15th Killing: When the people complained, God burned them to death

Here's a fun little WTF Bible Story for you.

It all happens in just two verses.

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: Numbers 11:1a

The Bible doesn't say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? It doesn't say.

But whatever it was, God heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.)

and the LORD heard it; Numbers 11:1b

So what do you think God did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?

Not quite. Here's what he did.

and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. Numbers 11:1c

I don't know for sure, of course, but I think God was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. God teaches best when he teaches by example.

Finally the people beg Moses to make God stop. And God stopped burning people to death.

And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. Numbers 11:2

Don't you just love happy endings?

(For those keeping score: The Bible doesn't say how many people were burned to death in this episode. So I just guessed 100.)

God's Killings in Leviticus

I can only find two killings in Leviticus, but they are both doosies.

1. God burned to death Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire."
   Leviticus 10:1-3

   

2. A blasphemer is stoned to death at God's command.
   Leviticus 24:11-23

   

And although God only kills three people, he orders everyone else to kill plenty of others.

Some he wants you to stone to death.

• Blasphemers Leviticus 24:16

• People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) Leviticus 20:27

And others you must burn.

• A man that has sex with his wife and mother-in-law (burn all three) Leviticus 20:14

• A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" Leviticus 21:9

But most he just says you should kill, without specifying the method. (Although you should make sure, whatever method you use, that "their blood be upon them." It's probably best to use a humane, God-approved method like stoning or burning.)

• Children who curse their parents Leviticus 20:9

• Both parties in adultery Leviticus 20:10

• If a man has sex with his father's wife (kill them both) Leviticus 20:11

• A man that "lies" with his daughter-in-law (kill them both) Leviticus 20:12

• A man that has sex with another man (kill them both) Leviticus 20:13

• A man or woman that "lies with a beast" (kill man or woman and the beast) Leviticus 20:15-16

And of course God wants you to kill animals for him. Lots and lots of animals.

Indeed, the first 9 chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, wave the body parts over your head, and burn the whole bloody mess for a "sweet savor unto the Lord."

And what if you refuse to kill all these people and animals?

Here's what God will do to you.

If ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
...
I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children
...
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:14-29

So it's up to you. Burn, stone, kill and slosh the blood of dead animals round about. Or God will force you to eat your children. It's just that simple.

And now on to God's killings in the Book of Numbers.

Who is the best father in the Bible?

Since it's Father's Day, let's look for examples of good fathers in the Bible. Here are some that come to mind.

Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them. Everyone except for Noah (and his family), that is.

What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)

It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.

And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family. This was because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him:

He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:

"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

Later he got drunk and impregnated them.

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.

Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)

Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.

And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.

And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.

God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.

Which do you think is the best Father's Day example?

God's 14th Killing: God commands blasphemer to be stoned

Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python's The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here's what he says in his own defense:

I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes. It probably looked something like this.

So they bring him to Moses and God tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death. So that's what they did.

And they brought him unto Moses. ... And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. ... And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, ... And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:11-23

As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, "Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!"

God's 13th Killing: God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire"

Here's a nice Bible story for Father's Day.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. Leviticus 10:1-2

Aaron's sons offered some sort of strange fire to God, and it pissed God off so much that he burned them to death.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Don't play with fire or God will burn you to death. God fights fire with fire.

But I like Moses' explanation even better. Here's what he said to Aaron right after God burned Aaron's sons to death.

Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. Leviticus 10:3a

God burned Aaron's sons alive so that God would "be sanctified in them" and so that he would "be glorified."

That helps.

Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or God would kill him too, along with all the people.

And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. Leviticus 10:6

So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Aaron held his peace. Leviticus 10:3b

In this story, who the biggest asshole: Moses, Aaron, or God?

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Note: I revised this post to include the bit about Moses forbidding Aaron to mourn the death of his sons. Somehow I missed that, and I thank Wise Fool for pointing it out in the comments. (If I'd paid more attention to the Brick Testament story, I would have caught that!)

God's Killings in Exodus: A summary

Here's a summary of God's killings in Exodus. Let me know if I missed any.

	Killing Event	Verse	Estimated number killed	Cumulative total
1	Hail	Exodus 9:19-25	300,000	300,000
2	Egyptian firstborn	Exodus 12:29-30	1,000,000	1,300,000
3	Egyptian army	Exodus 14:24-25	5,000	1,305,000
4	Amalekites	Exodus 17:10-16	1,000	1,306,000
5	God forced Israelites to kill each other as punishment for Aaron's golden calf	Exodus 32:26-28	3,000	1,309,000
6	God sends a plague to punish the Israelites (again) for Aaron's golden calf	Exodus 32:35	1,000	1,310,000

So in Exodus, there were 6 killing events and an estimated total of 1.3 million or so.

And now on to Leviticus.

The Psalms: Imprecatory Prayers for Christian Terrorists

Wiley Drake, a former Southern Baptist Convention officer, says the the murder of George Tiller was an answer to "imprecatory prayer" and that he is praying for Barack Obama's death.

Drake says that imprecatory prayer (praying for the misfortune or death of one's enemies) is found throughout scripture, particularly in the Psalms.

And he's right about that. Here are some of the verses from Psalms that Wiley especially likes.

Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them. ... Let destruction come upon him at unawares Psalm 35:6-8

Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into hell. Psalm 55:15

Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... let them be as cut in pieces. ... The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.Psalm 58:6-10

Thou therefore, O LORD God of hosts, the God of Israel, awake to visit all the heathen: be not merciful to any wicked transgressors. ... they make a noise like a dog ... Behold, they belch out with their mouth ... But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision. ... The God shall let me see my desire upon mine enemies. Psalm 59:5-10

Consume them in wrath, consume them ... let them make a noise like a dog. Psalm 59:13-14

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake. Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them. Let their habitation be desolate ... Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness. Let them be blotted out of the book of the living. Psalm 69:23-28

So persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid with thy storm. Fill their faces with shame ... Let them be confounded and troubled for ever; yea, let them be put to shame, and perish: Psalm 83:15-17

Set thou a wicked man over him: and let Satan stand at his right hand. When he shall be judged, let him be condemned: and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places. Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour. Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out. Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out. Psalm 109:6-14

Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God ... Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Psalm 139:19-22

Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:10

Let the saints be joyful in glory: let them sing aloud upon their beds. Let the high praises of God be in their mouth, and a two-edged sword in their hand; To execute vengeance upon the heathen, and punishments upon the people; To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron. Psalm 149:5-8

Most Christians are embarrassed by these verses, as they are with most of the Bible. Maybe it's time for them to admit the obvious: the Bible is not a good book and it was not inspired by a kind and loving God.