Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers

The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.

That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.

So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.

Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.

He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7

Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.

Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)

There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13

But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.

Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.

Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110

Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.

Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34

And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.

Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32

Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.

On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106

While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.

We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151

And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.

Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4

Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10

Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12

Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19

Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21

They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24

As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56

Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85

Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91

Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105

Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116

And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131

Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177

Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178

But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88

So don't be friends with non-Muslims.

Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28

O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118

Don't obey them.

O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149

Or believe anything they say.

Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73

But ask Allah to help you defeat them.

Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147

Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.

Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139

And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.

Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155

So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.

Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157

Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.

For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15

Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170

Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195

And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.

There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.

Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49

And this good advice for believers of all religions.

Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66

And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."

And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54