WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.
And the bloody bedsheeters have a point here, too. If you believe in the Bible, that is.
The Bible says this about a woman that cannot produce a bloody bedsheet on her wedding night:
If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her.
... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid.
Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.
But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel,
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21
So Alan Keyes and the bloody bedsheeters are just obeying the Bible by asking Obama to "bring forth the tokens" of his mother's virginity.
Is that too much to ask?
April 29 note: The Onion article is not far from the truth.