29 March 2013

Forget Easter: Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead!

File:Harrowing of Hell.jpg
The Harrowing of Hell

Now that Jesus is dead (they killed him in the Philippines earlier today), we can celebrate what happened after he died.

Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

Most Christians (well, Protestants, anyway) don't know this, but Jesus went directly to hell after he died.

Really, he did. It says so in the Bible.
He [David] seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31
The above quote is from the speech that Peter gave on the day of Pentecost -- you know, the day that believers spoke in languages they didn't understand and acted like they were drunk.

So it must be true. (If you can't trust a drunken Pentecostal preacher who was also the first pope, whom can you trust?)

There are a couple of other references to Jesus's day in hell by someone who claimed to be Peter, but wasn't. Here's what the forger of 1 Peter said about it.
Christ ... went and preached unto the spirits in prison. 1 Peter 3:19
For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead. 1 Peter 4:6
So Jesus preached the gospel to the dead people "in prison" -- that is, to the people in hell.

And then there's this from Ephesians (another forgery, this time attributed to Paul).
Christ ... descended first into the lower parts of the earth.  He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things. Ephesians 4:7-9
So Jesus descended "into the lower parts of the earth" -- which, as we all know, is where hell is. 

Of course, Catholics know all this. They are reminded every time they attend mass or say the rosary, because it's right there in The Apostles' Creed.
I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell....
So get out and celebrate Jesus's descent into hell. 

Here are some pictures that Jesus took during his visit to inspire you.

The first is a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


Here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


And here's Jesus in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Here's Jesus delivering the sermon from hell.


And here he is Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

So to hell with Easter. Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead.

8 comments:

Andy Breeden said...

Good article. Thanks!

The Squatting Monkey said...

jesus went to hell? Oh jesus, you so crazy

More or Less Dave said...

Hi Steve. I love the SAB and admire all the graft you have put into it.

I think I might have come across another note for the SAB. You decide.
In Isaiah 40:26, the writer says "not one [star] is missing", implying that he thinks stars live forever, which is of course false.

Mickey said...

One thing that's always puzzled me is according to the bible Jesus once told his disciples that just as Jonah was in the belly of a whale for three days and nights, he would be in the heart of the earth three days and nights (Mat 12:40). I'm sure most Christians would understand this as him talking of his death and how long he would be dead, according to what I've been taught when I use to go to church.
However the bible teaches that Jesus was crucified on Friday (Good Friday), was taken down off the cross before the next day which would have been the Sabbath (Saturday). He then supposedly arose very early on Sunday. How that constitutes three days and three nights I don't know. Anyone else care to enlighten me?

Stephen said...

@Mickey...

Looks like somwone tried, then realized they couldn't. ;-)

Steve Weeks

Stephen said...

"somEone"...
Curse the lack of editing. Am I missing something?
Steve Weeks

Steve Wells said...

Thanks for the suggestion, More or Less Dave. I've highlighted Isaiah 40:26 and added it to the "Science" category.

Steve Wells said...

Well, Mickey, it was sort of a long 3-day weekend in hell. It started just after Jesus died on Friday, when he descended into hell. And it ended when he left the tomb on Sunday. So, yeah, it wasn't quite as long as Jonah's whale-belly trip, but it was close enough for the Bible. The New Testament writers tried to make everything in the Old Testament fit the story they were making up about Jesus. And to hell with the details.