20 January 2014

Some Bible Stories for kids
(to help the Bible Society with its new campaign)

The Bible Society announced a new campaign for Christian parents that encourages them to read Bible stories to their kids. And I think that's a great idea.

Here are a few Bible stories to get them started. (I've added links to the Brick Testament stories whenever possible.)

  1. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4

    Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.


  2. "All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23

    God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.


  3. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25

    Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.


  4. "I pray thee, go in unto my maid ... And Abraham harkened unto the voice of Sarah." Genesis 16:2

    Abraham impregnates his wife's slave girl.


  5. "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8

    The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.


  6. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38

    Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.


  7. "Sarah ... said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice." Genesis 21:9-12

    Abraham abandons his first son, Ishmael.


  8. "And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13

    Abraham shows his willingness to kill his second son, Isaac, for God.


  9. "Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes."Genesis 30:16

    Leah buy sex with her son's mandrakes.


  10. "When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10

    God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.


  11. "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18

    Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.


  12. "The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24

    God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)


  13. "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30

    God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."


  14. "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28

    God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.


  15. "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23

    God shows Moses his backparts.


  16. "The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3

    Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.


  17. "Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23

    Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."


  18. "When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1

    God burned people alive for complaining.


  19. "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33

    God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.


  20. "A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36

    God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.


  21. "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35

    Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."


  22. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6

    For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.


  23. "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30

    Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.


  24. "Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13

    One of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.


  25. "Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54

    Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."


  26. "I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22

    Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."


  27. "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23

    Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.


  28. "As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7

    God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.


  29. "At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39

    Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.


  30. "Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5

    Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.


  31. "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30

    After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.


  32. "And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12

    God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."


  33. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3

    God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.


  34. "And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27

    David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.


  35. "Absalom went into his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." 2 Samuel 16:21-22

    Because David caused people to blaspheme, God had David's concubines publicly raped by his son, Absalom.


  36. "The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18

    To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.


  37. "Being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her." 2 Samuel 13:14

    David's son rapes David's daughter.


  38. "So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15

    Because of David's census (which God inspired), God killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).


  39. "And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4

    Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.


  40. "Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24

    God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.


  41. "Son of man, behold I take away from thee the dire of thine eyes ... So ... my wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded." Ezekiel 24:16-17

    God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her.


  42. "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34

    The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.


  43. "For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13

    Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).


  44. "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27

    Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed while he watches.


  45. "Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10

    Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not giving the church all of the money that they made when selling their land.


  46. "The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11

    Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.


  47. "The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23

    The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."

5 comments:

Stephen said...

This makes me wish my kids were young so I could read them these great stories... probably at bedtime.
My grandfather gave me "The Junior Bible" when I was one year old; all the stories are pretty much cleaned up... and boring, as I thought when I was young.
Steve Weeks

bob said...

Steve, how dumb can you get and still be breathing?

Your 'takes' or 'interpretations' on the "Bible stories" are quite obviously false, and have nothing to do with the original intended meaning.

Stephen said...

What's your "take" on... oh, how about #6 so you don't have to type all day? How would you clean this one up for the kiddies?
Steve Weeks

The Collectors Hub said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephen said...

Bob? Is that you? Did you have a "G-rated" interpretation of Lot and his ... "relationship" with his daughters? Please don't delete it!
Steve Weeks