Five Golden Hemorrhoids ... and a partridge in a pear tree

Garrison Keillor says that atheists and Jews should "buzz off" at Christmas time and leave the holiday to believers.

But I like Christmas too much to leave it to Mr. Keillor and other mindless bigots.* In fact, I'd like to propose an improvement to one of their carols.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a fun song, but none of the gifts have much to do with the Bible or Christianity. There are no french hens, leaping lords, or swimming swans in the Bible. And what's with the "Five Golden Rings" thing?

So let's change "Five Golden Rings" to something that has some religious significance. Something that is found in the Bible. Something God would appreciate.

Five Golden Hemorrhoids!
(If you don't know about them, you can read about them here.)

So this Christmas, in honor of Garrison Keillor, whenever you sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" substitute "Five Golden Hemorrhoids" (or "Five Golden Rhoids") for "Five Golden Rings."

God and Garrison Keillor will love you for it!

---

Some believers might object by saying that the five golden hemorrhoids were from the Old Testament, so they have nothing to do with Jesus. But if so, they are forgetting that everything in the Old Testament points to Jesus. So the only question is this: How do the five golden hemorrhoids point to Jesus?

And the answer is perfectly obvious: The five golden hemorrhoids represent the five wounds of Christ in the crucifixion. They were fashioned out of gold and given to God as a present in the same way the wise men brought gifts to the baby Jesus at Christmas time.

Like everything else in the Bible, it all makes perfect sense.

Merry Christmas!

*I don't really think Garrison Keillor is a mindless bigot. I think he's just pretending to be one.

God's 62nd Killing: God forced the Philistines to kill each other

After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn't really his first, but Oh well), God took over the killing himself. He didn't have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the time, Jonathan's and Saul's. And it's hard to kill Philistines with only sticks and stones.

So it came to pass in the day of battle, that there was neither sword nor spear found in the hand of any of the people that were with Saul and Jonathan: but with Saul and with Jonathan his son was there found. 1 Samuel 13:22

But God had a plan. He'd force the Philistines to kill each other (and throw in an earthquake for dramatic effect).

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ...
The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

After the Philistines killed each other, the Israelites must have gathered up their swords and spears, because by the end of the same chapter Saul is fighting everybody at once, "vexing" them all.

So Saul ... fought against all his enemies on every side, against Moab, and against the children of Ammon, and against Edom, and against the kings of Zobah, and against the Philistines: and whithersoever he turned himself, he vexed them. And he gathered an host, and smote the Amalekites, and delivered Israel out of the hands of them that spoiled them. 1 Samuel 14:47-48

(Since the Bible doesn't say that God was involved in these battles, I didn't include the victims in God's total.)

---

How many Philistine soldiers did God kill by forcing them to kill each other? The Bible doesn't say, so I just guessed the usual 1000.

God's 61st Killing: Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)

Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.

Here's how it happened.

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

And his armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 1 Samuel 14:7

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help them kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he he told his armor bearer that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So Jonathan and his armor bearer crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

I don't know about you, but the thing that bothers me about this story is the "first slaughter" part. Because if this was Jonathan's very first slaughter, then what the hell was he doing in the last chapter?

And Jonathan smote the garrison of the Philistines that was in Geba. 1 Samuel 13:3

It sounds like Jonathan's second slaughter, and I'm a bit pissed off about it!

---

God's next killing

God's 60th Killing: The Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)

Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? Well this is a lot like it.

It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.

Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee. 1 Samuel 11:1

Does Jabeshgilead sound sound familiar to you? Well, if you read The End of Judges, it should. (In that story, the non-Benjamite Israelites killed everyone in the city of Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women, who they gave to the surviving Benjamites.)

So everyone in Jabeshgilead was killed a few years before the events in 1 Samuel 11 supposedly took place. Yet here in verse 1 they are making a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead people make treaties? I guess they do in the Bible.

Anyway, here's the deal that Nahash offered the (dead?) people from Jabeshgilead.

And Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel.1 Samuel 11:2

Now you might think that this would be a 'no brainer' to the people of Jabeshgilead. But since they were already dead, maybe they didn't mind having an eye poked out. In any case, the people of Jabshgilead asked for a week to see if they could get an army together to fight the Ammonites. If they couldn't, they'd let the Ammonites poke out one of their eyes.

And the elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days' respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee. 1 Samuel 11:3

The Ammonites said, "Sure, go ahead and get an army together. We'll give you a week." So the leaders of Jabeshgilead sent messengers to Saul.

When Saul heard about it, "the Spirit of the Lord came upon him," and Saul did what any spirit-filled person would do: he killed some oxen, chopped their bodies up into 12 pieces, and sent the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel.

And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 1 Samuel 11:6-7a

And it worked, too. Messages like that always work in the Bible.

And the fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent. 1 Samuel 11:7b

Within a week the ox body parts were sent around to all the tribes of Israel and all the people of Israel responded "as one," forming an army of 330,000. It's amazing what a 12 rotting pieces of meat can do!

Then Saul told the people of Jabeshgilead,

To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad. 1 Samuel 11:9

So the messengers went back and told the good new to leaders of Jabeshgilead, and they then told Nahash that tomorrow they'd let them poke out their eyes.

The men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you. 1 Samuel 11:10

The next day Saul and his army killed Ammonites until it got a bit too hot for killing. Then they stopped and took a little break. Before they were done, though, they had killed all the Ammonites.

And it was so on the morrow, that Saul ... slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together.1 Samuel 11:

After the slaughter, some of the people wanted Samuel to kill all the Israelites that didn't want Saul to be made king. But Saul said,

There shall not a man be put to death this day: for to day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel. 1 Samuel 11:13

So since it was God that did all the killing, he deserves all the credit.

---

Once again, the Bible doesn't say how many Ammonites were killed; I'll call it a standard massacre and say 1000.

God's next killing

God's 59th Killing: The Lord thundered with a great thunder upon the Philistines

After God killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark, the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel "lamented after the Lord" -- which means, I guess, that they wanted the damned thing back.

So Samuel told them what to do. Get rid of all their other gods and worship Yahweh alone. So the Israelites rounded up all their gods and threw them away. When the Philistines heard about all this, they prepared to attack Israel.

The Israelites asked Samuel to ask God to save them. So Samuel killed a baby lamb and burned its dead body for God. Then Samuel cried out to God and God heard him. (He had his hearing aid on.)

And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD: and Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him. 1 Samuel 7:9

While Samuel was busy roasting the lamb for God, the Philistines attacked. And then God "thundered with a great thunder" and "discomfited them."

And as Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them. 1 Samuel 7:10-11

After the slaughter, Samuel put up a monument that said, "So far the Lord has helped us."

---

Once again the Bible doesn't say how many Philistines were killed. So I'll just call it 1000.

God's next killing

God's 56th Killing: God kills Eli's sons

OK, with a little help from the Brick Testament, it's all starting to make sense to me now.

Remember a couple killings ago when the Israelites were fighting the Philistines and they kept losing and asked,

Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? 1 Samuel 4:3

Well, I think I figured it out. God was using the Philistines to kill thousands of Israelites because he was angry with a couple of priests.

Here's the story.

There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn't know God, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle.

Now the sons of Eli were sons of Belial; they knew not the LORD.
...
And if any man said unto him, Let them not fail to burn the fat presently, and then take as much as thy soul desireth; then he would answer him, Nay; but thou shalt give it me now: and if not, I will take it by force.
...
And they lay with the women that assembled at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. 1 Samuel 2:12-22

Eli talked to his sons and tried to get them to change their ways, but they wouldn't listen to him since God had already decided to kill them.

They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 1 Samuel 2:25

Before killing Eli's sons, though, God tormented Eli a bit. First, a "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his descendants will die young because of things that his sons did.

A man of God ... said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart. 1 Samuel 2:27-32

Then, just in case the first message didn't get through, God sends another one to Eli through the boy prophet, Samuel. It takes God three tries to deliver the message, but he finally does. And it's the same nasty message: God will punish all of Eli's unborn descendants for the sins of his sons.

Samuel delivers the message to Eli and he responds the way believers always do. (God can do whatever he wants -- however absurd, cruel, or unjust -- and they will call it good.)

It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good. 1 Samuel 3:18

So now God had to figure out how he was going to kill Eli's sons.

And that's where the Philistines came in. God used them to kill Eli's sons, along with a 34,000 Israelite soldiers.

In the first battle, the Israelites lost 4,000 men.

And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 1 Samuel 4:3

And in the second, 30,000 were killed -- along Eli's sons, Hophni and Phinehas.

And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 1 Samuel 4:9-10

So God killed Eli's sons, and I've added them to God's total. But how about the 34,000 Israelite soldiers in these two battles? Should they also be included?

---

God's next killing

God's 58th Killing: 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord

In my last post God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines' secret parts. Of course stuff like that gets annoying after a while.

So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as a trespass offering, put the ark and the trespass offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that's what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh "and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left." So the world now knows for sure that it was God who had killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them. (A God's gotta do what a God's gotta do.)

And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 1 Samuel 6:19

Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

---

God's next killing

God's 57th Killing: God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts

Our story begins with the Israelites fighting a losing battle with the Philistines. 4,000 Israelite soldiers are killed.

Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 1 Samuel 4:2

The Israelites figure that it was God that killed their soldiers, or at least helped the Philistines kill them. (Since they might have been wrong about that, I didn't include this in God's killings.)

Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? 1 Samuel 4:3a

So they came up with a plan to keep God from killing even more of them: they send someone to get the ark of the covenant. That will protect them from God, or keep him on their side, or whatever.

Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh unto us, that, when it cometh among us, it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. 1 Samuel 4:3b

So they fetched the ark from Shiloh (where the Bejamites stole the dancing virgins in God's last killing episode). When the ark arrived, the Israelites shouted so loudly that it caused the ground to shake.

And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. 1 Samuel 4:5

The Philistines heard the shout and immediately knew they were in big trouble since the Israelites now had God on their side.

When the Philistines heard the noise of the shout ... they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp. And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! 1 Samuel 4:6-7

After they were done saying "Woe unto us!" the Philistines went out and killed 30,000 Israelites in "a very great slaughter." (So much for having God on your side.)

And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. 1 Samuel 4:10

And then the Philistines stole the ark!

And the ark of God was taken. 1 Samuel 4:11

They brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, Dagon.

The Philistines took the ark of God ... unto Ashdod ... into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5:1-2

The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.

And when they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 1 Samuel 5:3

So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump. (Da-gon it!)

And when they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 1 Samuel 5:4

Then God started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.

But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 1 Samuel 5:6

So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.

What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. 1 Samuel 5:8

And then God smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

After that, what do you think the Gathites decided to do with God's ark? They sent it to Ekron.

Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. 1 Samuel 5:10

When the ark arrived at Ekron, God did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.

There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven.1 Samuel 5:11-12

The Bible doesn't say how may people God killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I'll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city.

---

God's next killing

God hates Christmas trees

(Repost for Christmas)

---

Those who have read the Bible know that the God of love hates many things. And Christmas trees are on his most hated list.

Here's what he has to say about them.

Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen.... For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold. Jeremiah 10:2-4

There are a couple other verses that sound like condemnations of Christmas trees, celebrations, fires, and roast beast. But, hey, it's the Bible. Who knows what the hell it means?

The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image. Isaiah 40:19-20

He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire. Isaiah 44:14-16

That's what I was just saying to myself: Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire.

God's Killings in Judges

Here's a summary of God's killings in Judges.

	Killing Event	Verse	Estimated number killed	Cumulative total
1	God delivers the Canaanites and Perizzites	Judges 1:4	10,000	10,000
2	The Jerusalem Massacre	Judges 1:8	1000	11,000
3	Ten Massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots	Judges 1:9-25	10,000	21,000
4	The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim	Judges 3:7-10	1000	22,000
5	Ehud delivers a message from God: a knife in the belly	Judges 3:15-22	1	22,001
6	God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites	Judges 3:28-29	10,000	32,001
7	Barak and God Massacre the Canaanites	Judges 4:14	1000	33,001
8	Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's head	Judges 4:18-25	1	33,002
9	God forces Midianite soldiers to kill each other	Judges 7:22, Judges 8:10	120,000	153,002
10	A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit	Judges 9:23-33	2001	155,003
11	The Ammonite massacre	Judges 11:32-33	20,000	175,003
12	Jephthah's daughter	Judges 11:32-33	1	175,004
13	The spirit of the Lord comes on Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes	Judges 14:19	30	175,034
14	The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Judges 15:14-15	1000	176,034
15	Samson's God-assisted act of terrorism	Judges 16:27-30	3,000	179,034
16	A Holy Civil War	Judges 20:35-37	65,100	244,134

There are other notable killings in Judges that involve God in one way or another. I didn't include them in God's killings since it wasn't entirely clear (to me at least) that God was directly involved. Here are a few posts about these killings.

• Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad

• The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People

• Judges 19: Gang rape, dismemberment, and body part messages

• The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins

Let me know if I missed any or if I got some of the numbers wrong.