A prayer from Psalm 58: Ask God to make someone die like an aborted fetus.

In a previous post, I mentioned the biblically correct way to have an abortion. You can find it in Numbers 5:11-31, where God describes the procedure in detail.

The Bible says other interesting things about abortion, but there's something I've missed up to now. So I thought I'd share it with you here.

I found it in Psalm 58.

There are only two kind of people in Psalm 58: righteous people and wicked people. Wicked people are wicked from the start, in the womb before they are even born. And they begin speaking lies as soon as they are born, before they can even talk.

The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies. Psalm 58:3

Righteous people ask God to break the teeth of wicked people and then cut their toothless bodies into pieces.

Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... Let them be as cut in pieces.Psalm 58:6-7

They pray that God will convert the wicked into a slimy mess, like an aborted fetus.

As a snail which melteth, let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun. Psalm 58:8

And when God answers their prayers, they will rejoice as they wash their feet in the blood of the wicked.

The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10

It's all part of being a righteous pro-life Christian.

What to do with an unfaithful wife: The Bible vs. the Quran

Both holy books have specific instructions for a husband that suspects his wife has been unfaithful. Since over half of the world believes in one or the other, I thought it would be good to compare them here.

The Bible's instructions are in Numbers 5.

The first thing to notice about them is that these instructions are from God. It's not just Moses telling the people what to do; it's God.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband ... and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her. Numbers 5:11-13

And notice, too, that the husband has no evidence here, only suspicion and jealousy. He didn't see his wife with another man and no one else did either.

So what does God tell the jealous husband to do?

Take her to a priest who will force her to drink some "bitter water."

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. Numbers 5:15-24

If she is guilty, the bitter water will "make her thigh rot and her belly swell," and she will "become a curse among her people."

When he hath made her to drink the water, then ... if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, ... her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. Numbers 5:27

But if the woman is innocent, then the bitter water won't cause her belly to swell and her thigh to rot, and she'll get pregnant. (Apparently, the swollen belly and the rotted thigh was God's way of giving an unfaithful wife an abortion -- or worse.)

If the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. Numbers 5:28

In any case, whether she passes or fails the bitter water, belly swelling, thigh rotting, holy abortion test, the husband is completely blameless. But "the woman shall bear her iniquity."

Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity. Numbers 5:31

OK. That's it. That's what God says a man should do if he suspects that his wife has been unfaithful.

Boy, that's going to be hard to beat! But let's see what the Quran says about it.

Luckily, the Quran deals with the same situation: a man who suspects that his wife has been unfaithful. Except that here the husband claims to be a witness of his wife's infidelity.

For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves... Quran 24:6a

Now you might think that would be enough to prove the wife's adultery, but it isn't, because just two verses ago, the Quran says that four witnesses are required to convict a wife of adultery.

Those who accuse honourable women but bring not four witnesses, scourge them (with) eighty stripes and never (afterward) accept their testimony - They indeed are evil-doers. Quran 24:4

So what's a husband to do in this case? Well, Allah has that all figured out. The husband can just swear that it's true four separate times and that way he can serve as four separate witnesses.

For those who accuse their wives but have no witnesses except themselves let the testimony of one of them be four testimonies, (swearing) by Allah that he is of those who speak the truth. Quran 24:6

How cool is that?

Oh and then, swear one more time, just to make it all official llke. And this time ask Allah to curse you if you are lying. That ought to do it. (It's sort of like saying, "Cross my heart and hope to die" when swearing. No one would lie doing that!)

And yet a fifth, invoking the curse of Allah on him if he is of those who lie. Quran 24:7

So now there are five witnesses and we can get on with the punishment.

The woman can appeal the case, though, by swearing five times that she is innocent.

And it shall avert the punishment from her if she bear witness before Allah four times that the thing he saith is indeed false, And a fifth (time) that the wrath of Allah be upon her if he speaketh truth. Quran 24:8-9

I don't know what happens then. What do you do when you have two people that cross their hearts and hope to die on opposite sides of the same case? The Quran doesn't say and I don't think the Supreme Court has ever had a case like that.

So that's what the Bible and the Quran say a husband should do with an unfaithful wife.

Which procedure do you think is the best?

The Bible's guide to abortion

I don't know how I missed this before, but I did. There is a biblical way of having an abortion. A method that is not only approved by God, it was invented by him. He describes it himself in the book of Numbers (5:11-31).

It's a bit long and complicated, so I'll break it up for you.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; Numbers 5:11-13

The first thing to notice is the context. This procedure is only intended for married couples, specifically for any man that suspects that his wife has been messing around. No proof is necessary; suspicion alone is sufficient to God.

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon ... And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water ... And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse.... (5:15-18)

OK, I am leaving some of the details out here, so if you're going to try this at home, make sure to follow God's instructions exactly. There's no guarantee any of this will work otherwise.

And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. 5:19-22

This is the part that fooled me. I get the idea that if the woman has been unfaithful, then the magic bitter water will do something awful to her. But I wasn't sure just what. What does it mean to have your belly swell and your thigh rot? But then I saw the footnote in the NIV that said it meant this: "cause you to be barren and have a miscarrying womb."

So if the woman is guilty (had sex with someone besides her husband), then the bitter water will make her unable to have children in the future. And if she is pregnant at the time, it will abort the pregnancy.

And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled; Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.5:27-31

It's all part of God's wondrous Law of Jealousies. God's magical abortion procedure. A priest, some bitter water, and a wife that you think might have been unfaithful. Priceless. So if God has his own abortion procedure, abortion can't be wrong, right?