Oh! Susanna

Chapter 13 in the book of Daniel tells the story of Susanna. Don’t look for it in the Protestant Bible, though. They left it out for some reason. They just don’t know what they’re missing.

The story begins with a man named Joakim and his beautiful wife, Susanna.

Now there was a man that dwelt in Babylon, and his name was Joakim: And he took a wife whose name was Susanna ... a very beautiful woman, and one that feared God. Daniel 13:1-2

Joachim was a rich man with an orchard near his house.

Now Joakim was very rich, and had an orchard near his house. 13:4

A couple of old judges liked to hang out there, just to get a glimpse of Susanna.

There were two of the ancients of the people appointed judges that year … These men frequented the house of Joakim.
Susanna ... walked in her husband' s orchard … And the old men saw her ... walking: and they were inflamed with lust towards her … And they watched carefully every day to see her. 13:5-10

On one hot day, Susanna went into the orchard to take a bath. And, as usual, the old men were hiding there to watch.

It fell out, as they watched a fit day, she went ... to wash herself in the orchard: for it was hot weather. And there was nobody there, but the two old men that had hid themselves and were beholding her. 13:15-16

When the dirty old men saw Susanna, they ran to her and said, “We’re in love with you. Let’s have sex.”

The two elders arose, and ran to her, and said: Behold the doors of the orchard are shut, and nobody seeth us, and we are in love with thee: wherefore consent to us, and lie with us. 13:19-20

If she refused, they would claim to have witnessed her having sex with a young man.

But if thou wilt not, we will bear witness against thee, that a young man was with thee. 13:21

After hearing that, Susanna started screaming and both elders did likewise.

With that Susanna cried out with a loud voice: and the elders also cried out against her. 13:24

When the everyone heard the screaming, they came to see what was up. And the old men accused Susanna of having sex with a young man.

The two elders rising up in the midst of the people … said: As we walked in the orchard alone, this woman came in with two maids, and shut the doors of the orchard, and sent away the maids from her. Then a young man that was there hid came to her, and lay with her. 13:34-37

They all believed them and condemned Susanna to death.

The multitude believed them as being the elders and the judges of the people, and they condemned her to death. 13:41

But then, just at the last minute, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel.

And when she was led to be put to death, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel. 13:45

Daniel, with the help of the holy spirit, knew just what to do. Interrogate each of the old men separately.

Daniel said to the people: Separate these two far from one another, and I will examine them. 13:51

So that’s what he did. 

Daniel asked the first old guy, under pain of being cut in two, “Under what tree did you see the Susanna and the young man conversing?”

So when they were put asunder one from the other, he called one of them, and said to him ... if thou sawest her, tell me under what tree thou sawest them conversing together. 13:52-54a

He answered, under a mastic tree.

He said. Under a mastic tree. And Daniell said: Well hast thou lied against thy own head: for behold the angel of God having received the sentence of him, shall cut thee in two. 13:54b-55

Then he asked the second old lecher the same question.

And ... he commanded that the other should come, and he said ... tell me, under what tree didst thou take them conversing together. 13:56-58a

He answered, “Under a holm tree.”

And he answered: Under a holm tree. And Daniel said to him: Well hast thou also lied against thy own head: for the angel of the Lord waiteth with a sword to cut thee in two, and to destroy you. 13:58b-59

When the people heard that, they all screamed, blessed God, and killed the two dirty old men, presumably by cutting each of them into two pieces -- just as Daniel said under the inspiration of the holy spirit.

With that all the assembly cried out with a loud voice, and they blessed God And they rose up against the two elders ... and they put them to death. 13:60-62

And Daniel, who was already great, became even greater in the sight of all the people from that day forward.

And Daniel became great in the sight of the people from that day, and thenceforward. 13:64

Inspired by the Bible: Rumsfeld's Secret Holy War

GQ has released copies of secret intelligence briefing covers that were sent by Donald Rumsfeld to president Bush and his senior military staff just after the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Here they are, along with links to the Bible verses.

Joshua 1:9

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1 Chronicles 16:11

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Psalm 33:16-19

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Psalm 139:9-10

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Proverbs 16:3

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Isaiah 5:28

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Isaiah 6:8

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Isaiah 26:2

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Daniel 5:5-28

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Ephesians 6:13

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1 Peter 2:15

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A Gay Antichrist?

Remember when Jerry Falwell said that the Antichrist is a Jewish male that is alive today? Well, now we find out that the Antichrist is also gay! And it seems that the both ideas (that AC is Jewish and gay) are taken from the very same verse.

Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all. Daniel 11:37

That's a lot of mileage out of one verse!

But there shouldn't be any doubt about the identity of the antichrist. The word "antichrist" occurs only four times in the Bible, but those four verses tell us all we need to know.

Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time. 1 John 2:18

Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son. 1 John 2:22

And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. 1 John 4:3

For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist. 2 John 1:7

Whoever denies that Jesus is the Christ is an antichrist. That would include all Jews, gay or straight, along with about 4 billion others. It certainly includes me.

I am a proud member of the antichrist community.