Richard Dawkins: The God of the Old Testament

(29 July 17: I originally posted this nearly nine years ago, soon after Richard Dawkins's wonderful speech. More recently, the Freedom From Religion Foundation created a new website based upon this speech and Dan Barker's book - God: the Most unpleasant Character in all Fiction. So I thought I'd repost this and update the list with additions from FFRF's site and Dan's Book.)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it

How jealous and proud is he? Well, his name is Jealous. And he named himself!

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14

Here are some more verses where God brags about his jealousy.

I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Deuteronomy 5:9

(For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 6:15

The LORD will not spare him, but then the anger of the LORD and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven. Deuteronomy 29:20

They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. Deuteronomy 32:16

They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. Deuteronomy 32:21

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked him to jealousy with their sins. 1 Kings 14:22

And he put forth the form of an hand, and took me by a lock of mine head; and the spirit lifted me up between the earth and the heaven, and brought me in the visions of God to Jerusalem, to the door of the inner gate that looketh toward the north; where was the seat of the image of jealousy, which provoketh to jealousy. Ezekiel 8:3

Then said he unto me, Son of man, lift up thine eyes now the way toward the north. So I lifted up mine eyes the way toward the north, and behold northward at the gate of the altar this image of jealousy in the entry. Ezekiel 8:5

I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy. Ezekiel 16:38

So will I make my fury toward thee to rest, and my jealousy shall depart from thee, and I will be quiet, and will be no more angry. Ezekiel 16:42

And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. Ezekiel 23:25

Surely in the fire of my jealousy have I spoken against the residue of the heathen. Ezekiel 36:5

For in my jealousy and in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel. Ezekiel 38:19

God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; Nahum 1:2

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. Zechariah 1:14

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury. Zechariah 8:2

All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3:8

a petty,

A golden bell and a pomegranate ... shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. Exodus 28:34-35

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Leviticus 19:27

Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. Deuteronomy 22:12

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. Deuteronomy 23:2

Thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp. Deuteronomy 23:13-14

Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:20

unjust,

If thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

The LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast. Exodus 13:15

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers. Isaiah 14:21

(See here for a more complete list of Old Testament injustices.)

unforgiving

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

For the innocent blood that he shed: for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; which the LORD would not pardon. 2 Kings 24:4

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up a cry or prayer for them: for I will not hear them in the time that they cry unto me for their trouble. Jeremiah 11:14

When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. Jeremiah 14:12

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

control-freak;

But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods (hemorrhoids), and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart: ... Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: ... The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. ... And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:15-68

For another 1647 examples see Every Jot and Tittle: All of the Commandments in the Bible

a vindictive,

I kill .. I wound ... I will render vengeance to mine enemies ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

He will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries. Deuteronomy 32:43

To me belongeth vengeance and recompence ... for the day of their calamity is at hand. Deuteronomy 32:35

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Nunbers 11:1

Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine: Jeremiah 11:22

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard. Micah 5:15

bloodthirsty

And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the blood, and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:17

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

I kill .. I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34:5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, ... their land shall be soaked with blood, ... For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance. Isaiah 34:7-8

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63:2-6

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ezekiel 39:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:19

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17 (See here for a more complete list of Old Testament cruelties.

ethnic cleanser;

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

a misogynistic,

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Nunbers 31:15-19

And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women ... shalt thou take unto thyself. Deuteronomy 20:13-14

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her .... Thou shalt go in unto her. Deuteronomy 21:11-13

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated .... Deuteronomy 21:15

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... Deuteronomy 22:13

I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid. Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:14-21

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD Ezekiel 26:6

homophobic,

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

racist,

One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-8

The LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 7:6

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever. Deuteronomy 23:3

infanticidal,

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29

Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:16

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. Leviticus 26:22

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick... on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

genocidal,

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. Deuteronomy 20:16-17

So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:40

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

filicidal,

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:2

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death. Leviticus 20:9

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... hou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

pestilential,

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Nunbers 11:33

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Nunbers 21:6

The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:13

So will I send upon you famine and evil beasts, and they shall bereave thee: and pestilence and blood shall pass through thee; and I will bring the sword upon thee. I the LORD have spoken it. Ezekiel 5:17

megalomaniacal,

Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly. 2 Samuel 22:8-11

Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:23

sadomasochistic,

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

capriciously malevolent

Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark ... fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekiel 9:4-7

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 12:20

bully.

And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the LORD: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy. Jeremiah 15:3

And I will call for a sword against him throughout all my mountains, saith the Lord GOD: every man's sword shall be against his brother. And I will plead against him with pestilence and with blood; and I will rain upon him, and upon his bands, and upon the many people that are with him, an overflowing rain, and great hailstones, fire, and brimstone. Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:21-23

The two wives of Yahweh: Aholah and Aholibah

There's a strange story in Ezekiel 23 about two sisters, Aholah and Aholibah. It is a story that is seldom told by Bible believers. And that's a shame, since it sheds so much light upon God's biblical plan for marriage.

Aholah and Aholibah were sisters, both of whom were married to Yahweh.

The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying, Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother: ... And the names of them were Aholah the elder, and Aholibah her sister. And they were mine, and they bare sons and daughters. Ezekiel 23:1-4

But the marriage between God and his two wives was a troubled one. The older sister, Aholah, was unfaithful to Yahweh, having sex with her Assyrian neighbors.

Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours, Which were clothed with blue, captains and rulers, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding upon horses. 23:5-6

She committed whoredoms with them and defiled herself with all of their idols.

She committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself. 23:7

The Assyrians lay with her and bruised the breasts of her virginity, pouring all their whoredom upon her.

Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her. 23:8

So Yahweh delivered her into the hands of her Assyrian lovers who discovered her nakedness, enslaved her children, and killed her with the sword.

Wherefore I have delivered her into the hand of her lovers, into the hand of the Assyrians, upon whom she doted. These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword. 23:9-10

God’s other wife, Aholibah, was even more corrupt in her whoredoms than her older sister. She also doted upon her desirable, young Assyrian neighbors.

Her sister Aholibah ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms. She doted upon the Assyrians her neighbours, captains and rulers clothed most gorgeously, horsemen riding upon horses, all of them desirable young men. Then I saw that she was defiled, that they took both one way. 23:11-13

When she saw the images of Babylonian men on her wall, she invited them to come visit her.

And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion … And as soon as she saw them with her eyes, she doted upon them, and sent messengers unto them into Chaldea. 23:14-16

So the Babylonians came to her on her bed of love, discovered her nakedness and defiled her with their whoredoms.

And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them, So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness. 23:17-18a

When God saw all this, his mind was alienated from her, like it was from her sister.

Then my mind was alienated from her, like as my mind was alienated from her sister. 23:18b

Aholibah multiplied her whoredoms like she did in her younger days as a harlot in Egypt.

Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. 23:19

Where she doted upon men with donkey-sized penises and ejaculate as voluminous as horses.

For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. 23:20

Which reminded God again of the lewdness of her youth, where the Egyptians fondled her youthful breasts.

Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth. 23:21

To punish Aholibah, God brought lovers against her “on every side.”

Therefore, O Aholibah, thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will raise up thy lovers against thee, from whom thy mind is alienated, and I will bring them against thee on every side. 23:22

And set his jealousy against her, forcing her Egyptian “lovers” to cut off her nose and ears, enslave her children, and burn everyone else to death.

And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and … they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. 23:25

He forced Ahobiah to drink from Aholah’s cup, to suck it out, and to pluck off her own breasts. 

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Thou shalt drink of thy sister's cup deep and large: Thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow ... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. 23:34

Then God killed Ahobiah (as he did to Aholah) by stoning her to death and killing her with a sword. Then he killed her children (which are also his children) and burned their houses--to punish them for forgetting him.

Because thou hast forgotten me, and cast me behind thy back, therefore bear thou also thy lewdness and thy whoredoms. 23:35

For thus saith the Lord GOD ... stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire. 23:46-47

In this way taught women a lesson. Don't behave like God's wayward wives (Aholah and Ahobiah) or God will do likewise to you.

Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness. 23:48

---

Okay, so what can we learn from Yahweh's marriage to Aholah and Ahobiah?

Well, plenty, I'd say. After all it's God's own example.

Here are just a few things that come to mind:

1. It's OK to have two wives. If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for anyone.
2. If  either of your wives is unfaithful to you, invite everyone over to rape her in public, then cut off her nose and ears, force her to pluck off her breasts, and kill her by stoning or with a sword or (if at all possible) both.
3. After you kill your wife (or wives) kill any of her children. (Sure some of these kids may be your own sons and daughters, but since your wife was a whore, they might be some other guy's kids. You just can't be too careful.)

Woe is everyone!

My last post showed that God is woe. But he's got plenty of woe company.

Here's a list of woe people in the Bible.

1. Early rising, all-day drinkers
   
   Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!  Isaiah 5:11
   
   
2. Drinkers, drunkards, and bartenders
   
   Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and ... mingle strong drink. Isaiah 5:22
   
   Woe to ... the drunkards ... that are overcome with wine! Isaiah 28:1
   
   Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken. Habakkuk 2:15
   
   
3. People with unclean lips
   
   Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. Isaiah 6:5
   
   
4. People that make a noise like the sea
   
   Woe to the multitude ... which make a noise like the noise of the seas. Isaiah 17:12
   
   
5. Spoiled people
   
   Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13
   
   
6. Foolish, free-spirited prophets
   
   Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing! Ezekiel 13:3
   
   
7. Women that sew pillows
   
   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:18-20
   
   
8. Bloody cities
   
   Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it!   Ezekiel 24:6
   
   Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city I will even make the pile for fire great. Ezekiel 24:9
   
   Woe to the bloody city! Nahum 3:1
   
   
9. People that desire the day of the Lord
   
   Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. Amos 5:18
   
   
10. People that are at ease
    
    Woe to them that are at ease. Amos 6:1
    
    
11. People who wake up wood or dumb stones
    
    Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise. Habakkuk 2:19
    
    
12. The inhabitants of the sea coast
    
    Woe unto the inhabitants of the sea coast ... I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant. Zephaniah 2:5
    
    
13. Filthy and polluted women
    
    Woe to her that is filthy and polluted. Zephaniah 3:1
14. Idle shepherds
    
    Woe to the idle shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened.  Zechariah 11:17
    
    
15. Pregnant women and nursing mothers
    
    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19, Mark 13:17, Luke 21:23
    
    
16. Rich people
    
    Woe unto you that are rich! Luke 6:24
    
    
17. The well-fed
    
    Woe unto you that are full! Luke 6:25a
    
18. Those that laugh now
    
    Woe to you that laugh now. Luke 6:25b
    
    
19. Those with good reputations
    
    Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! Luke 6:26
    
    
20. Lawyers
    
    Woe unto you also, ye lawyers!  Luke 11:46
    
    
21. Everyone on earth
    
    Woe unto the world because of offences! Matthew 18:7
    
    Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth!   Revelation 8:13
    
    Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you.  Revelation 12:12

Eugene's Bible: Did the Bible inspire the naked face-chewing cannibal?

Rudy Eugene is a firm believer in the Bible.

He attended a Bible study just two days before the face-chewing episode, he was called "the preacher" by his friends, and his mother said that he never left home without his Bible. And he had it with him at the time of the attack. It was, in fact, the only thing he had, as he was otherwise completely naked. 

So it seems reasonable to ask: was there something in the Bible that inspired the attack?

Of course it's hard to say, but there is plenty in the Bible that might encourage similar behavior. 

Take his nakedness, for example. God seems to like his prophets to run around naked. Here are God's instructions to Isaiah.

At the same time spake the LORD ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot.  And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3

God told Isaiah to walk around naked for three years as a sign and and wonder. Maybe Eugene was just trying to do likewise.

And here is what Saul did when the spirit of the Lord came upon him:

Saul ... went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied ... And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:21-24

The spirit of the Lord came upon Saul and he "lay down naked" all day and night. Maybe the spirit of the Lord came upon Eugene, too.

And then there's this from Micah:

Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls ... roll thyself in the dust ... having thy shame naked. Micah 1:8-11

I don't know if Rudy Eugene wailed like a dragon, but I'm pretty sure he had his shame naked.

But what about the face-eating behavior? There's nothing in the Good Book that could inspire activity like that, is there?

Well, how about these passages?

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

I will not feed you: that that dieth, let it die; and that that is to be cut off, let it be cut off; and let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11:9

Who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones; Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron. Micah 3:2-3

There's plenty there for a naked, face-eating, bible-believing cannibal to choose from.

Perhaps Eugene thought that Ronald Poppo was his long-lost father or friend  that God wanted him to eat, in accordance with Ezekiel 5:10 or Jeremiah 19:9 .  Or maybe that Poppo was just "another" whom God commanded him to eat in Zechariah 11:9. Or that Poppo was one of God's people and, therefore, it was Eugene's job to eat him, as prophesied in Micah 3:2-3.

It's hard to know what God had in mind when he inspired these verses. But I suspect that Rudy Eugene might have a good idea. He and God seem to think pretty much alike.

Dan Savage is right about the Bible: It's Bullshit

A couple weeks ago, Dan Savage discussed the Bible with a group of journalism students.

Here is what he said (see video below) -- along with some of the bullshit from the Bible that believers ignore while pretending to believe it.

The Bible, we’ll just talk about the Bible for a second. People often point out that they can’t help it – they can’t help with the anti-gay bullying, because it says right there in Leviticus, it says right there in Timothy, it says right there in Romans, that being gay is wrong.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13 

The law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind.... 1 Timothy 1:9-10

 In the last days ... men will be ... without natural affection. 2 Timothy 3:1-3

 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:  And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another ... God gave them over to a reprobate mind ... they which commit such things are worthy of death. Romans 1:26-32

We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. [applause] The same way, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish,

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas ... shall be an abomination unto you: ... Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:10-11

 about slavery, 

Of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you ... they shall be your possession. And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever.  Leviticus 25:44-46

If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21

Servants [slaves], be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 1 Peter 2:18

(See here for more bullshit from the Bible on slavery.)

about dinner, 

These shall ye not eat ... swine ... it is unclean unto you. Deuteronomy 14:7-8

It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak. Romans 14:21

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:12

about farming,

Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.  Deuteronomy 22:10

about menstruation, 

If a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean. Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation. And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30

If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman..... Ezekiel 18:5-6

about virginity, 

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. Matthew 25:1

about masturbation. 

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:9-10

If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean. Leviticus 15:16

Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30

[applause]
We ignore bullshit in the Bible about all sorts of things. The Bible is a radically pro-slavery document. Slave owners waved Bibles over their heads during the Civil War and justified it. The shortest book in the New Testament is a letter from Paul to a Christian slave owner about owning his Christian slave. 

Philemon: This short letter was written by Paul to his slave-owner friend and fellow believer, Philemon. Paul was writing about Onesimus, who he had recently converted, and who happened to also be a runaway slave belonging to Philemon. Since Paul was in a position of authority among believers, this would have been a great opportunity for him (and God) to condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But apparently he didn't. Instead he returned the slave to his owner without so much as a word against the institution of slavery. 

(Note: Philemon isn't quite "the shortest book in the New Testament" -- 2 and 3 John are a bit shorter.) 

And Paul doesn’t say “Christians don’t own people.” Paul talks about how Christians own people.

We ignore what the Bible says about slavery, because the Bible got slavery wrong. Tim — ah, Sam Harris, in A Letter To A Christian Nation, points out that the Bible got the easiest moral question that humanity has ever faced wrong. Slavery! What’re the odds that the Bible got something as complicated as human sexuality wrong? 100% percent.

The Bible says that if your daughter’s not a virgin on her wedding night – if a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she shall be dragged to her father’s doorstep and stoned to death. 

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

Callista Gingrich lives. [applause] And there is no effort to amend state constitutions to make it legal to stone women to death on their wedding night if they’re not virgins. At least not yet. We don’t know where the GOP is going these days. [audience laughs]

People are dying because people can’t clear this one last hurdle. They can’t get past this one last thing in the Bible about homosexuality.

One other thing I wanna talk about is — [chuckles] — so, you can tell the Bible guys in the hall that they can come back now, because I’m done beating up the Bible. [applause]

It’s funny, as someone who’s on the receiving end of beatings that are justified by the Bible, how pansy-assed some people react when you push back. [applause]



And here's a great video on the subject by Zinnia Jones.

Doug Wilson quotes Ezekiel 23:20 (NSFW)

"Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." Ezekiel 23:19-21

Is that pornographic? Did we really need to know how the Assyrians were hung, and how they ejaculated? Well, apparently God thinks so. Every word is profitable, right? Doug Wilson: On Being a Tricky Dancer

Pastor Doug quoted this pornographic passage from Ezekiel to defend a guy named Mark Driscoll, who is the featured speaker at next month's Christ Church conference, right here in Moscow, Idaho.

You see, Mark Driscoll "sees things."

Jesus shows him X-rated movies of people in his congregation having sex.

Here, I'll let MD tell you about it.

But, hey, Doug says, if God can talk about donkey dicks and horse-like splooge in Ezekiel 23:20 (for no apparent reason), then Mark Driscoll can talk about his dirty movies at the Christ Church conference.

You can register for the conference here.

---

Christian New Wire: Sexpert Pastor Mark Driscoll is Told, 'Enough is Enough'

Pyromaniacs: Pornographic Divination

Pyromaniacs: Let's not dance around the real issue

The Christian World View - Mark Driscoll: Is He Qualified To Lead?

Did God tell Julia Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby?

He's done it before, you know. Twice. (Tell someone to eat a book, that is.)

He told Ezekiel to do that.

But thou, son of man, hear what I say unto thee ... open thy mouth, and eat that I give thee. And when I looked, behold, an hand was sent unto me; and, lo, a roll of a book was therein ... Moreover he said unto me, Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll ... So I opened my mouth, and he caused me to eat that roll. And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness. Ezekiel 2:8-3:3

And the author of Revelation.

And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter. Revelation 10:9-10

Did God tell Ms. Lovemore to feed the Bible to her baby? Or did she get the idea from reading these stories in the Bible. Or did she think of it on her own.

Whichever it might have been, the Bible is a good book to keep away from crazy people. (Or from sane people; it can make them crazy, too.)

Global Warming: It's all a part of God's plan

There aren't many things that God enjoys more than burning people to death.

He burned everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, burned Aaron's sons for offering him "strange fire", burned the Israelites for complaining, burned 250 men for burning incense, and burned 102 more for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. Burning people alive is just God's way of having fun.

So no one, certainly not Bible believers, should be wonder about global warming. It's not the CO₂; it's God.

And he's just getting started.

Here's what God has planned for the earth.

Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand ... every man's heart shall melt ... their faces shall be as flames. Isaiah 13:6-8

The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken this word ... Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth ... the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left. Isaiah 24:3-6

The people shall be as the burnings of lime ... they be burned in the fire. Isaiah 33:12

For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance ... And the streams thereof shall be turned into pitch, and the dust thereof into brimstone, and the land thereof shall become burning pitch. It shall not be quenched night nor day; the smoke thereof shall go up for ever: from generation to generation it shall lie waste; none shall pass through it for ever and ever. Isaiah 34:8-10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will kindle a fire ... and it shall devour every green tree ... and every dry tree: the flaming flame shall not be quenched, and all faces from the south to the north shall be burned therein. And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it. Ezekiel 20:47-48

The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand ... A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth ... yea, and nothing shall escape them. Joel 2:1-3

For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven ... and the day that cometh shall burn them up. Malachi 4:1

The day of the Lord will come ... and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10

And the fourth angel poured out his vial upon the sun; and power was given unto him to scorch men with fire. And men were scorched with great heat, and blasphemed the name of God, which hath power over these plagues: and they repented not to give him glory. Revelation 16:8-9

And no damned scientists ("astrologers, stargazers, and prognosticators" is about as close to "scientists" as the Bible ever gets) will be able to stop God's plan to use global warming to burn everyone to death.

Let now the astrologers, the stargazers, the monthly prognosticators, stand up, and save thee from these things that shall come upon thee ... the fire shall burn them; they shall not deliver themselves from the power of the flame. Isaiah 47:13-14

So now you know why all true Bible believers fight against the science of global warming. Global warming is caused by God; it's God's plan to burn us all to death, just like it says in the Bible.

Don't let science rob God of his glory!

Drunk With Blood: It's one of God's favorite expressions

I titled my list of God's killings "Drunk with Blood" for a reason. I think the phrase describes the God of the Bible perfectly.

It's also one of God's favorite expressions. The phrase "drunk with blood" (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible.

1. God first uses it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

   I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32.42

   Now I know that God doesn’t mean this literally. God’s arrows don’t have mouths; they don’t drink blood and they’ve never been drunk on anything. His sword doesn’t eat flesh either. God is being metaphorical here.

   Still, God is trying to make a point. He’s saying that he kills people. Lots and lots of people. 2,476,633 if you don't try to estimate the number, 24,644,205 if you do.

2. The next use of "drunk with blood" is similar. God’s sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

   This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46.10

   But God’s sword is not just drunk with blood, it's also filled and bathed with blood in heaven. (Who knew God would have a bloody sword in heaven?)

   My sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34.5

   The sword of the LORD is filled with blood. Isaiah 34.6

   And he's dying to use it on pretty much everyone on earth.

   By his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. Isaiah 66.16

   The sword of the LORD shall devour from the one end of the land even to the other end of the land: no flesh shall have peace. Jeremiah 12.12

   I … will draw forth my sword out of his sheath, and will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked. Ezekiel 21.3

   My sword go forth out of his sheath against all flesh. Ezekiel 21.4

   I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee. Ezekiel 29.8

   I shall brandish my sword before them; and they shall tremble at every moment, every man for his own life. Ezekiel 32.10

   Your young men have I slain with the sword … and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils. Amos 4.10

   I [Jesus] will … fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2.16

   Another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Revelation 6.4

   God is as strong as a unicorn. (Heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn.) He’ll break your bones and pierce your body with arrows.

   God ... hath ... the strength of an unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows. Numbers 24.8

   I will spend mine arrows upon them. Deuteronomy 32.23

   God is angry with people every day. His sword is wet and his bow is bent. He has prepared all the instruments of death.

   God is angry with the wicked every day … he will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow, and made it ready. He hath also prepared for him the instruments of death. Psalm 7.11-13

   Even his clothes are sprinkled with the blood of his victims. (I don’t know whether his clothes are really dripping with blood in heaven. I don’t even know if he wears clothes. I’m just telling you what the Bible says.)

   I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury; and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments, and I will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63.3

3. But God’s sword and arrows won’t be the only things drunk with blood. God also plans to force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

   I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49.26

   I’m not sure how much of this is metaphor. God often talks about forcing people to eat other people. That part, at least, is literal. Here are a few examples.

   Forcing people to eat themselves.

   And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9.20

   Forcing parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other.

   Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26.29

   Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28.53

   The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28.56-57

   I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19.9 The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat. Lamentations 4.10

   The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5.10

   Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another. Zechariah 11.9

   So while it is true that part of God’s plan for humanity is forcing people to eat each other, he was probably just getting carried away with his own metaphor when he said they’d get drunk on their own blood.

   Oh, one more thing that believers should know. God wants them to keep their swords bloody, too. He’ll curse (and probably kill) anyone whose sword isn’t dripping with blood.

   Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48.10

   Every man's sword shall be against his brother. Ezekiel 38.21

4. After God kills people, he will feed their bodies to the birds and beasts until they, too, become drunk with blood.

   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

   God talks a lot about feeding dead people to birds and animals. Here are some examples.

   Thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. Deuteronomy 28.26

   The carcases of this people shall be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth; and none shall fray them away. Jeremiah 7.33

   Come ye, assemble all the beasts of the field, come to devour. Jeremiah 12.9

   Their carcases shall be meat for the fowls of heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 16.4

   Their carcases will I give to be meat for the fowls of the heaven, and for the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 19.7

   Their dead bodies shall be for meat unto the fowls of the heaven, and to the beasts of the earth. Jeremiah 34.20

   I have given thee for meat to the beasts of the field and to the fowls of the heaven. Ezekiel 29.5

   I will cast thee forth upon the open field, and will cause all the fowls of the heaven to remain upon thee, and I will fill the beasts of the whole earth with thee. Ezekiel 32.4

   I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and to the beasts of the field to be devoured. Ezekiel 39.4

   Thou hast given them blood to drink; for they are worthy. Revelation 16.6

   Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19.17-21

   Someday believers will get into the act, too. Heck, they’re even going to get to drink the blood of God’s victims after they wash their feet in it.

   The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58.10

   God shall wound the head of his enemies … that thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68.21-23

   The people shall rise up as a great lion, and lift up himself as a young lion: he shall not lie down until he eat of the prey, and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23.24

   And believers must drink the blood of Jesus if they want to get to heaven.

   Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. John 6:53-54

5. And finally, the great whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

   I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.6

What do God, his victims, the animals that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon all have in common?

They were, are, or will forever be drunk with blood.

The phrase “drunk with blood” (or variants of it) is used five times in the Bible. Let's take a look at them.

First of all, God used it to describe himself: his arrows are drunk with blood.

I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:42

His sword is drunk with blood, too, just like his arrows.

This is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And God will force people (before he kills them) to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

Then God will feed his victims’ bodies to the birds and beasts until they too become drunk with blood.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you … that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. … And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39.17-19

And finally, the Great Whore of Babylon will be drunk with the blood of the saints and martyrs.

And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. Revelation 17.5-6

So in the end, pretty much everyone will be drunk with blood: God, the people that he kills, the birds and beasts that eat their dead bodies, and the Great Whore of Babylon. It will be just one big, bloody, drunken party. I bet you can’t wait to be there!

God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death

I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing. Maybe you can help me figure out what it was.

God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14

So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.

Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel's wife.

Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. Ezekiel 24:15-16aa

Now, I don't think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel's wife "with a stroke." Here's how the Revised Standard Version puts it.

Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke." Ezekiel 24:16a (SRV)

So although we don't know how, we do know he's going to kill her right away, "in a stroke."

And when he does, God doesn't want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He's not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, bind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.

Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. Ezekiel 24:16a-17

And that's what happens. God killed Ezekiel's wife and Ezekiel didn't give a shit.

My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. Ezekiel 24:16

Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, like Ezekiel didn't mourn his wife when God killed her. (At least I think that's the point here. Let me know if you think I'm wrong.)

Here's what Ezekiel told the people after God killed his wife.

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. Ezekiel 24:20-24

Well, now, that's a point worth killing for, isn't it?

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God's next killing: Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)

ZJ hanging out with some friends

For those of you who don't have Ezekiel 23:20 and Leviticus 26:29 memorized:

For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Some suggested verses for the U.S. Military's Jesus Guns

If you haven't already seen this ABC report on the Bible verses inscribed on U.S. Military rifle scopes, then be sure to take a look. (I'd embed the video here, if I could figure out how to do it.)

Here's what Rachel Maddow had to say about it.

Anyway, it turns out that a major military supplier, Trijicon, has been putting secret bible codes on their scopes for years, and no one (except all the soldiers who call them "Jesus guns" and batshit crazy gun nuts) ever seemed to notice.

I'm trying to find out all the verses that are put on the Trijicon sights, but so far I've only found two: 2 Corinthians 4:6 and John 8:12.

For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:12

But the ABC report says there are other verses on the sights from Matthew and Revelation. If you find out what they are, let me know and I'll add them here and at the SAB.

In the meantime I'd like to suggest a few verses to inscribe on the scopes. They seem more fitting than the wussy quotes from 2 Corinthians and John.

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies ... he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10

That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:23

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:12

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25:17, Pulp Fiction version (Thanks Benita)

I bet sootch00 would just love to own a gun with Is49:26 on it. And all the non-Christians could well, you know, get over it..

Beauty Pageants, Breast Implants, and Sex Tapes (What the Bible says about Carrie Prejean)

Here are some quotes from Carrie Prejean's interview with Christianity Today -- along with some stupid stuff I found in the Bible.

"I think you can be a Christian and compete in a pageant."

That could be. But, as usual, the Bible is far from clear about this.

On the one hand, there is Esther, who became queen by winning a raunchy beauty/sex contest (As Misty pointed out in the comments and I had completely forgotten). Here is her story.

King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11

Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19

So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4

When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17

On the other hand, here's some stuff from the New Testament that might be a problem for Christian beauty pageant contestants.

I will that ... women adorn themselves in modest apparel ... not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:8-9

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3

(Well, at least she doesn't have braided hair!)

"I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

Carrie might be right about that. For example, here's a case where God brags about helping a woman enhance her "ornaments". Heck, he even personally fashioned her breasts for her! (God is a hair dresser and a breast enhancer. Who knew?)

I [God] have caused thee to ... come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown. Ezekiel 16:6

And here's a case where the Bible expresses concern for a woman's small breasts. (If breast implants were available at the time, the problem would have been solved.)

We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? Song of Solomon 8:8

And in this verse, her big sister brags about her big breasts.

My breasts like towers. Song of Solomon 8:10

So score this one for Carrie. God likes big breasts, natural or not.

"There is a video out there of me."
(According to RadarOnline.com, there are at least 8 of them, each showing her performing solo sex acts.)

God might have a beef with Carrie on this one, depending on what kind of props she used in her videos.

"Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." Ezekiel 16:17

And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks. Jeremiah 3:9

They have seen her nakedness: yea, she sigheth, and turneth backward. Lamentations 1:8-9

So, on the whole, I think Carrie should be careful. God does some nasty stuff to women when he thinks they've misbehaved.

Here's just one example from Ezekiel.

The nakedness of thy whoredoms shall be discovered, both thy lewdness and thy whoredoms .... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out ... and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:29-34