06 June 2009

What does Jesus have written on his testicles?

OK, I'm not sure about this. Jesus might not have anything written on his testicles.
But he does have something written on his thigh, at least if you believe the Book of Revelation.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16
Here's what it looks like.

But since "thigh" is a biblical euphemism for testicle, it may be that Jesus has "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" tattooed on his testicles (or more likely, his scrotum).

Wouldn't that be cool?

I'll bet he has "King of Kings" on one side, and "Lord of Lords" on the other.

He's the type.

And it would go well with the rest of his outfit.
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns ... And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron. Revelation 19:11-13, 15


Therine said...

Hahaha. That's just awesome. (I want to ask what Mary Magdalene thinks about those tats but...no.)

Brian_E said...

Wow, that's scary. So on Judgment Day, you'll know it's Jesus if some scary fellow teabags you and you see writing on his sack. Got it.

busterggi said...

Wonder if the Magdeline has a tramp stamp too?

Unknown said...

He will rule them with an iron rod. Is this a 'gigolo' reference of something ?

Why a horse and why a sword. Why not a Harley Davidson and a shotgun like in Terminator 2 ?

.......... far more scarier.

Matthew Blanchette said...

Holy shit! The good Rev. has done it again, it seems...

I Am said...

Maybe this is the way to go when arguing with Bible-believers. "Did you know Jesus has a tattoo on his balls?" ("This I know, for the Bible tells me so!")

If they protest that the mark is on his "thigh", then you'd just ask them do some research on the subject of the meaning of thighs in the Bible and the shared origin of the words "testament" and "testes".

They might never view Jesus or the Testaments the same way!

Salman said...

you guys are rediculous...you talk of such nonsense about Jesus Christ.

Steve Wells said...

But the nonsense is right out of the Book of Revelation. You believe in the Revelation, don't you Salman?

Unknown said...

You do not have permission to put materials from The Brick Testament on the internet. For example, do not put images from the Brick Testament on your own website, ftp site, blog, myspace page, youtube video, etc.

Steve Wells said...

Actually, Mesissa, I do have permission to use images from the Brick Testament on my blog and site. I've put a note in the sidebar to clarify this.

RR said...

I love this post... Jesus is coming back in style - with tats - and his posse!

I can see it now!

Think Vin Diesel.

Simon said...

Stop making me like the Bible, dammnit!

Anonymous said...

If we use the acronym WWJD, surely the same could be applied to the tattoo:


On his balls people, on his goddam BALLS!

Mr Kay said...

Most New Testament translations (including most Greek manuscripts) have Revelation 19:11-16 indicating Yeshua will have a "tattoo" on his thigh, as what follows:

And I saw the heaven opened, and there was a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Trustworthy and True, and in righteousness He judges and fights. And His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns, having a Name that had been written, which no one had perceived except Himself and having been dressed in a robe dipped in blood - and His Name is called: The Word of hwhy. And the armies in the heaven, dressed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. And out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should smite the nations. And He shall shepherd them with a rod of iron. And He treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of El Shaddai. And on His robe and on His thigh (or "banner") He has a name written: SOVEREIGN OF SOVEREIGNS AND MASTER OF MASTERS.

The idea that Yeshua would have a tattoo on his thigh or anywhere on His body is in direct conflict with Leviticus 19:28, which states:

"And do not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor put tattoo marks on you. I am hwhy ."
The following was taken from the Explanatory notes under "Thigh" in The Scriptures (TS98) version. It references the problem with Lev. 19:28 and a possible solution to the conflict.

"Thigh: There is no record of any monarch having either his name, or his titles, written in his thigh for John to have come up with this phrase. Here we have a strong indication of Revelation originally being written in Hebrew.
If this word was written in Hebrew, it would have been ragel. It's possible though, that the copiers of Revelation could have overlooked the small extension of the dalet (d), which would have made it a resh (r). If the word was dagel, it would have meant "banner", which makes much more sense than "thigh", because in the latter case two rules are broken:
(1) In Way. 19:28 we are forbidden to make tattoo's on our bodies [Leviticus 19:28].
(2) A person whose thigh was exposed was considered naked. See Mk. 14:51, Shem. 28:42, Way. 16:4. When Revelation was copied it would have been easy to see the Hebrew "d" (d) as a "r" (r), if the former was not carefully written down. F.F. Bruce in the New International Bible Commentary p.1624 says that if one assumes a Semitic original underlies John's Greek, a copyist error might have replaced the Hebrew or Aramaic word for banner, degel, with the word for leg, regel. As the Hebrew script developed, the dalet and the resh, especially from around 700 BCE and onwards looked almost identical. It is also seems that Messiah, when he appeared to his followers He spoke Hebrew, even though they could understand Greek very well (Acts 26:14)."

djl said...

Dammit! He stole my idea. I was going to get that same tattoo but he beat me to it. I wonder if his tat shows up on the shroud of turin? lol

Anonymous said...

Well, you can read "The Great Controversy" by Ellen White and get even more confused about the situation of organized religion.

No said...

Could this tatoo be what catholic priests zealously look for when hiring a new altar boy ?

Enenennx said...

In case someone swings back through. There is a passage in Numbers 5 which uses "thigh turns out" - the passage concerns a trial by ordeal where a women's "thigh turns out" is the result of drinking a concoction if she is adulterous.

Anyone have any ideas what "thigh" refers to in such a case? Thanks.

Saved said...

Someoone sure doesnt like me proving them wrong about the thigh issue now do they. I have repeatedly shown it was meant that the writing was on the thigh of his garment ....through various versions of the Bible but someone who is trying to be deceptive and falsely try to led others the wrong way keeps deleting my posts....wow!!!! what a blog site...just for people you agree with your own elementary and rather idiotic thoughts . Coward Coward Coward!!

Steve Wells said...

You're right, Saved. I don't much like your comments. You've made eight in the last half hour that say nothing at all so far as I can tell. How about making one comment that tells us all you'd like to say about what Jesus has written on his testicles.

Michael Childs said...

I'm having difficulty finding any reference that shows that "thigh" means genitals; particularly in any biblical sense. In fact, there are a few passages that seem to suggest otherwise.

Genesis 24:2 - One day Abraham said to his oldest servant, the man in charge of his household, “Take an oath by putting your hand under my thigh.

Unless we're suggesting that Abraham has his servants swearing an oath by cupping his balls?

Similar passage:
Genesis 47:29 - As the time of his death drew near, Jacob called for his son Joseph and said to him, “Please do me this favor. Put your hand under my thigh and swear that you will treat me with unfailing love by honoring this last request: Do not bury me in Egypt.

And then there's:
Leviticus 7:33 - The right thigh must always be given to the priest who offers the blood and the fat of the peace offering.

Seems like a strange offering.

So if you could put this claim into context or point me in the direction of where I can understand it better, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Steve Wells said...

Michael Childs,

Yes, I am suggesting that in Genesis 24 Abraham asked his slave to swear to God while holding Abraham's testicles (or perhaps his penis) in his hand. And that Jacob asked Joseph to do the same in Genesis 47. It was the biblical equivalent of swearing on the Bible.

Here'a a reference: “[T]he word ‘thigh’ is sometimes used in ancient Jewish sources as a euphemism for the penis.” Howard Eilberg-Schwartz, God’s Phallus, p.88.

Unknown said...

Does this writing not contravene the dictate in Leviticus 19:28?
"Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord." (KJV version)