The Bible's Guide to Health Care

First of all, if you get sick, it's your own damned fault. (God made you sick for ignoring his voice, doing wrong in his sight, and/or ignoring his commandments.)

If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee. Exodus 15:26

If you do something evil and God punishes you with sickness, rely on faith-based medicine. Prayer and faith alone will cure you.

These signs shall follow them that believe ... they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. James 5:14-15

For as it says in the Psalms,

The Lord ... healeth all thy diseases. Psalm 103:2-3

And as Jesus said to the woman who touched his garment,

Thy faith hath made thee whole. Matthew 9:22, Mark 5:34, Luke 8:48

If faith alone doesn't cure you, try touching your religious leader's handkerchief or shadow or something.

So that from his [Paul's] body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. Acts 19:12

They brought forth the sick into the streets, and laid them on beds and couches, that at the least the shadow of Peter passing by might overshadow some of them ... and they were healed every one. Acts 5:15-16

Or use the lump-of-figs cure. (It was one of Isaiah's favorites.)

And Isaiah said, Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered. 2 Kings 20:7

If you have too little faith for any these remedies, purchase some bible-based medical insurance. Several plans are available.

• The Paul Plan. (A holy man falls on and embraces your dead body.)

  Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him ... And they brought the young man alive. Acts 20:10-12

• The Elijah Plan (A holy man stretches himself on your dead body three times.)

  He [Elijah] stretched himself upon the child three times. ... and the soul of the child came into him again, and he revived. 1 Kings 17:21-22

• The Elisha I Plan (Similar to the other two, but a bit more involved. A holy man lies on your dead body while he puts his mouth on your mouth, his eyes on your eyes, his hands on your hands, and stretches himself on you. This will cause your flesh to warm. Then, after he walks to and fro and stretches himself on you one more time, you'll rise from the dead and sneeze seven times.)

  When Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead.... And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes. 2 Kings 4:34-35

• The Elisha II Plan (Ask that your dead body touch the bones of a dead prophet.)

  As they were burying a man ... when the man was let down, and touched the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet. 2 Kings 13:21

But whatever you do, don't go to a doctor. God is insulted if you trust science more than faith.

And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. 2 Chronicles 16:12