The Chaser's War on Everything: Help me put my son to death

Here are the verses that tell you what to do with a son that curses you:

And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

And here are some verses to deal with that homosexual, adulterous, fortune-telling, hump-backed, dwarf priest with crushed testicles.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God ... Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken ... shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD. Leviticus 21:16-21

A killing to end God's killing

This is really a strange one, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Maybe you can help me sort it out. (In any case, this is definitely a story to mark up in you next Gideon Bible.)

It all happens in the first few verses of Numbers 25, right after the story about Balaam's talking donkey.

It begins with the people having sex with the daughters of Moab.

And ... the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1

After sex, they ate dinner with them and worshiped their gods.

And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods. Numbers 25:2

This angered God, so he told Moses to kill all the leaders and hang their dead bodies up on trees so that he wouldn't be so angry anymore.

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. Numbers 25:3-4

Now this probably wasn't as bad as the King James Version makes it sound. "Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the Lord against the sun" sounds like God told Moses to cut off peoples' heads and hang the heads on trees. That would be kind of nasty.

But no. God just wanted Moses to kill the leaders ("the heads of the people") and hang their dead bodies on trees out in the sunshine so "that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel." That's not nearly so bad, now is it?

I can't tell, though, whether Moses did what God asked. Here's the next verse.

And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor. Numbers 25:5

Moses tells the leaders (judges) to kill everyone who "were joined unto Baalpeor." I don't know if being joined to Baalpeor was having sex with the daughters of Moab or not. But clearly Moses wasn't following orders here. God told him to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees; Moses tells the leaders to kill the people who had sex with Moab women. Different thing entirely, I'd say.

Anyway, I guess neither God's nor Moses' plan was executed, because of what happened next.

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. Numbers 25:6

And then the real hero of the story shows up. Phinehas. He sees the happy couple and sticks a spear through their bodies while they were having sex.

And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8a

This double murder made God so happy that he stopped killing everyone. You see, while Moses was trying to get the leaders to kill people who had sex with Moabite women and God was trying to get Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, God was also busy killing people with a plague.

So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8b-9

Now God had planned to kill everyone, but he stopped with just 24,000 because of Phinehas' holy murder. (Paul said that only 23,000 died in the plague, but how would he know?)

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel, while he was zealous for my sake among them, that I consumed not the children of Israel in my jealousy. Numbers 25:10-11

So you see my problem here, don't you? How many killings do we have here?

God told Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, but we don't know whether Moses followed God's command.

Moses told the leaders to kill whoever had sex with the Moabite women, but we don't know if his order was carried out either.

Phinehas killed the two people having sex, but we don't know whether God told him to or not. (Even though God was clearly pleased by the killing. So much, in fact that he quit killing after only 24,000, when he'd planned to kill several million.)

And how many died in the plague? Was it 24,000 as Numbers 25:9 says or 23,000 as it says in 1 Corinthians 10:8?

So how do we keep score here? At least 24,002 people died (23,002 if we believe Paul), but in how many separate killing events? And should God get credit for Phinehas' double murder?

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I've decided to count Phinehas' double murder and God's plague as a single killing event. God clearly deserves credit for the plague, of course, but the Phinehas' affair is less clear.

However both Moses and God ordered people to be killed either for either having sex with the Midianites or for allowing them to do so (Numbers 25:3-5), and God was so pleased with the Phinehas' killing that he stopped his own mass murder. So I think God deserves credit for either inspiring or directly ordering Phinehas to impale the lovers while they were having sex.

God's next killing: The Midianite Massacre (Have ye saved all the women alive?)

We should all deface the Bible (Let's start with the Gideons)

Believers are in an uproar about an exhibit at the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art that invited viewers to add their thoughts about the Bible to the pages of the Bible itself. The offer was soon retracted, however, since many of the comments were critical of the Bible.

Imagine that.

No, don't just imagine that. Do it.

The next time you go to a hotel that has a Gideon Bible in its drawer, get out some highlighters and mark the passages that should horrify and offend anyone with any moral sense.

Make notes in the margins, inside the covers, and on the front page. And don't forget to attach a warning label.

There are hundreds of verses that you could highlight, of course, but here's a few to start your Gideon Bible desecration project. (Let me know if I've left out any of your favorites and I'll add them to the list.)

1. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

2. He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

3. If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21

4. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18

5. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

6. And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Numbers 11:1

7. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. Numbers 25:4

8. And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:15-19

9. If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

10. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:20-21

11. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

12. When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

13. And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53

14. Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

15. And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

16. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

17. Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

18. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3

19. If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

20. Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak ... And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home. 1 Corinthians 14:34-35

21. He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword ... and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. Revelation 19:13-15

22. And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:21

You're in good hands with Moses

OK. This is just another boring massacre. Sorry about that.

You pretty much know the story line by now.

The Israelites were busy killing people and stealing their land, when they came upon King Og and the people of Bashan who fought back.

And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei. Numbers 21:33

Lucky for Moses, though, God was on his side, and God delivered the Bashanites into Moses' hands.

And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people. Numbers 21:34a

God tells Moses to do to them what he did to the Amorites.
(Gosh, I wonder what that was.)

And thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites. Numbers 21:34b

So the Israelites killed king Og.

So they smote him Numbers 21:35a

And his sons.

and his sons, Numbers 21:35b

And all his people.

and all his people Numbers 21:35c

Not a single person was left alive.

until there was none left him alive. Numbers 21:35d

And they took their land.

and they possessed his land. Numbers 21:35e

You're in good hands with Moses.

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Note: Since Judges 11:21 makes it clear that God delivered the Amorites just like he did the Bashanites, I included both massacres in this killing.
Estimated victims: 2000.

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God's next killing

The context of John 3:16

The most popular verse in the Bible by far is John 3:16. Nearly everyone, believer or skeptic, can quote this verse. But in case you've forgotten it, here it is.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But let's look at it in context.

Just before Jesus (supposedly) spoke these words, he (supposedly) said:

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:14-15

That's right. Jesus believed in the snake-on-a-pole story of Numbers 21, God's 23rd Killing. He believed that God sent fiery serpents to bite and kill the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. And he believed that God told Moses to make a brass serpent and put it on a pole so that those who looked at it would be magically cured. And he was OK with all that.

In fact, Jesus said his own death would be just like that. If you believe in Jesus' magical death, you'll be saved just like the people that had been bitten by God's fiery serpents were saved by looking at Moses' magic snake on a pole.

But what if you don't believe in Jesus' death any more than you do in Moses' magic snake pole? Well, here's what Jesus supposedly said right after the famous words of John 3:16.

He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 3:18

And, a little later, in John 3:38:

He that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.

So let's put John 3:16 in context. If you believe in Jesus and in Moses' magic snake pole, you'll go straight to heaven after you die. If not you're going to hell.

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Thanks to matt311 and wise fool for pointing out Jesus' belief in the cruel and stupid story in Numbers 21.