David killed every male in Edom

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that

The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14

And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

(A little later God will have to have them all killed again, but that’s another story.)

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.

God's next killing: Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

Bible Quiz Show

The 700 / 7000 horsemen thing in my last post reminded me of this fun NonStampCollector video.

Here are links to the contradictions mentioned in the video.

1. How long does God's anger last?

2. Does Yahweh tempt people?

3. Is salvation by faith alone?

4. Can God be seen?

5. Does Yahweh delight in burnt offerings?

6. Is God the author of evil?

7. According to Genesis, were humans created before the animals?

8. On the road to Damascus, did Paul's traveling companions hear the voice that spoke to Paul?

9. Will the earth last forever?

10. Is Jesus the only man to have ascended into heaven?

11. In Old Testament Law, were children to be punished for the sins of their fathers?

12. Does God ever get tired?

13. How many valiant men drew the sword for Israel as counted by Joab?

14. How many horsemen did David take ?

15. How much did David pay for the threshing floor?

16. How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?

17. When are two thieves one thief?

18. How many blind men did Jesus heal near Jericho?

19. How many women came to the tomb?

20. Whom did the women see at the tomb?

21. Are riches a curse or a blessing?

22. Did the temple curtain rip before or after Jesus died?

23. Who put the gorgeous purple robe on Jesus, Herod's soldiers or Pilate's soldiers?

24. Did Jesus curse the fig tree before or after driving the merchants from the temple?

25. Should homosexuals be killed or exiled?

26. Given that Quirinius became governor of Syria nine years after king Herod's death, was Jesus born during the reign of King Herod or the governorship of Quirinius?

27. When the women arrived at the tomb of Jesus, was the tomb opened or closed?

28. Did Judas die by hanging himself or by falling over in a field and having his guts fall out?

29. Is God the author of confusion?

And the crimes punishable by death in the Bible:

1. Fortune telling (Leviticus 20:27)

2. Hitting a parent (Exodus 21:15)

3. Cursing a parent (Leviticus 20:9)

4. Not listening to a priest (Deuteronomy 17:12)

5. Following another religion (Exodus 22:20)

6. Adultery (Leviticus 20:10)

7. Not seeking the Lord God of Israel (2 Chronicles 15:12-13)

8. Fornication (Leviticus 21:9)

9. Prophesying falsely (Zechariah 13:3)

10. Who has to kill a false prophet? (Zechariah 13:3)

11. Homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13)

12. Blasphemy (Leviticus 24:10-16)

13. Working on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:12-15)

14. Having a few people in your town worshiping another god (Deuteronomy 13:13-16)

The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

As I mentioned in the last killing, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m going to lump them together here.

2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, "taking" 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story told in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since text doesn't say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them in God's killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung ("houghed" in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6

And another 47,000 Syrians (or was it 40,700?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8

So I'll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.

God's next killing: David killed every male in Edom

David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God. Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.

When Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5

They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul, even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)

God's next killing: God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

Abraham's war to rescue Lot

Here's one that I forgot to add to God's list.

It's about two of God's favorite people: Abraham and Lot.

God gave Abraham (God called him "Abram" back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.

The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13:14-15

Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.

Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Genesis 13:5-6

So Lot decided to move to Sodom.

Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. Genesis 13:12

Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.

They took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12

That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.

And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. Genesis 14:14

And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to Damascus.

He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. Genesis 14:15

Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.

And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. Genesis 14:16

When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, along with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought some bread and wine.

The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. Genesis 14:17-18

(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)

Without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7:3

And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.

Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. Genesis 14:20a

Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.

And he gave him tithes of all. Genesis 14:20b

A nice fee for such a puny prayer.
(I gave this the usual 1000 for a regular God-assisted slaughter.)

---

God's next killing: Sodom and Gomorrah