08 May 2008

Top 50 Bible Stories for kids

Cliff Richard (whoever he is) has come up with his top fifty Bible stories for kids. So I thought I'd list mine.

Here they are (in biblical order, as in Cliff's list). Which is your favorite?

  1. "The serpent ... said unto the woman." Genesis 3:1-5

    A clever serpent talks to Eve about trees, death, and the knowledge of good and evil.

  2. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee." Genesis 3:16

    God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to men.

  3. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4

    Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.


  4. "All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23

    God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.

  5. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25

    Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.

  6. "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8

    The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.

  7. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38

    Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.

  8. "And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13

    Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God.

  9. "When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10

    God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.

  10. "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18

    Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.

  11. "The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24

    God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)


  12. "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30

    God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."

  13. "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28

    God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.

  14. "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23

    God shows Moses his backparts.

  15. "The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3

    Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.

  16. "Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23

    Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."

  17. "When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1

    God burned people alive for complaining.

  18. "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33

    God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.

  19. "And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses... And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them... and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow." Numbers 12:1-10

    For criticizing Moses, God gave Miriam leprosy.

  20. "A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36

    God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.

  21. "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35

    Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."

  22. "All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." Numbers 16:41-49

    After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 incense burners, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sent a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700."

  23. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6

    For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.

  24. "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30

    Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.

  25. "Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13

    While God is talking to Moses about hanging up dead bodies, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.

  26. "Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54

    Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

  27. "I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22

    Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."

  28. "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23

    Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.

  29. "As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7

    God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.

  30. "At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39

    Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.

  31. "Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5

    Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.

  32. "The Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him... And he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and slew a thousand men therewith." Judges 15:14-15

    When the spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson, he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

  33. "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30

    After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

  34. "And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12

    God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."

  35. "Because they had looked into the ark of the LORD" 1 Samuel 6:19

    God kills 50,070 for looking into the ark.


  36. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." 1 Samuel 11:6-7

    People do the strangest things when the Spirit of God comes upon them.

  37. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3

    God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.

  38. "And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27

    David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.

  39. "The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18

    To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.

  40. "So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15

    Because of David's census (which God inspired), Go killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).

  41. "And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4

    Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.

  42. "If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty." 2 Kings 1:9-12

    Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each.

  43. "And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape... and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there." 1 Kings 18:22-40

    Elijah killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest.

  44. "Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24

    God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.

  45. "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34

    The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.

  46. "For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13

    Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).

  47. "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27

    Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed before him.

  48. "Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10

    Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land.

  49. "The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11

    Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.

  50. "The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23

    The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."

17 comments:

v_quixotic said...

Cliff's 5th favourite story: Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25, 27, 32–33) has the curious abbreviation:

We learn that being nice to your twin brother will work out well for everyone.

I hardly think Jacob is being 'nice' to Esau. He deceived him twice, lied to his blind father on his deathbed such that ... Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.(Gen 27:38).

Yeah, they supposedly kissed and made up (Gen 33:4) and both had lots of wives and children but I can't understand why Esau was treated so poorly. Was it the hair?

Aidan said...

It's because he's a cipher for Edom, ancient Israel's rival nation.

v_quixotic said...

Perhaps Aidan, but Cliff's list is supposed to be "bible stories for kids"... anyhow should a rival nation be held to ransom anymore than a hungry sibling?

RR said...

You gotta love Judges 19:22-30 -- one of the most disgusting stories ever told.

And to think some parents don't want their kids to read Mark Twain in school -- and would rather have them read this.

Goes to show how much some people buy into this stuff without reading it.

steve said...

Funny how those who poke fun of spiritual things (materialists) because they can't seem to understand or "believe" don't have a hard time believing the following theory that's in secular science books...

"Around a billion years ago, rain and lightning hit a rock. That rock then turned into a tadpole that eventually crawled onto shore and turned human...even though his/her eyes, ears, legs, arms and sex organs didn't develop over another billion years, somehow, by by the god of time, it still found a way to mate and have more of it's kind..."

And to quote "rr" above, "Goes to show how much some people buy into this stuff without reading it."

Exactly. Materialists must have more faith to believe it all came by random chance. Us Christians don't have that much faith. Gessh. We just believe God did it all.

Adam said...

Steve-

You incorrectly define those who poke phone at spirtiual things as 'materialists'. Is a missionary in india a 'materialist' for criticizing the local population’s belief in black magic or sacred remedies? Is a Peace Corps volunteer in West Africa materialistic if she doesn’t believe the contradictory statements of anonymous writers who lived thousands of years before her birth? Unless you’re posting your comments from a computer at your local library which you walk to from your one room house which you share with the local homeless, lets save the nebulous materialism charges and analyze one point at a time.

1. When you understand how you are able to dismiss the supernatural claims of the rest of the world’s religions, you will understand how it is so easy for them to dismiss yours.

2. When you state "Goes to show how much some people buy into this stuff without reading it" were you referring back to your own summary of evolution? If you could, please post a link to the ‘secular science books’ from which you formed your understanding of the theory. In the meantime, check out “Science and Creationism: A View from the National Academy of Sciences” at http://www.nap.edu/openbook.php?record_id=6024 to get read up on the arguments.

3. Does creationist viewpoint expressed here, http://www.michaelshermer.com/2001/12/genesis-revisited/, not require a generous amount of credulity?

4. Which God? Did What?

5. How do any of your arguments defend the absurd myths that these vignettes so easily mock?

Mike said...

I'm always partial to the "hung like horses" verse: Ez 23:20

But "go up thou bald head" is a great lesson for kids.

That's a Great Question! said...

What about the kids stories that Evolutionists use in jr. high textbooks, "A long, long, time ago, perhaps billions of years ago, lightning hit a rock and the rock turned into a fish, that grew legs..."

My Evolutionist friend asserted to me, "At least we don’t believe in talking animals," referring to the serpent and Eve in Genesis, "...and the problem of miracles!"

I answered him, "Given atheist/evolutionary assumptions, you’re an animal, and you’re talking!” In regards to miracles, I stated that Evolutionists have no basis on which to question a believer about miracles. Why? Evolutionists believe that the universe came into existence from pre-existing matter that at one time was concentrated into an object (that no one ever saw) about the size of a Advil Gel Tablet.

And, that this inorganic, super-heated sterile material exploded, and in billions of years, brought forth organic life with mind, logic, morality, and…yes, billions of talking animals like him. That takes a lot of faith to believe in!

There's a fairy tale story that atheists hold to.

Marcelo said...

That's a Great Question!, even your distorted version of what science says is more reasonable than what is written on the Bible.

Do you deny all the crazy stuff written there?

Steve Solis said...

Marcelo... My distorted view of science? No my friend, you've just been brian washed with years of evolutionary speculations as to what science is.

If there was a chaotic, random, by chance act of a big bang, how did we get order today? How do atheists account for the order of the universe if they posit a theory such as a Big Bang?

The Bible comports with reality. Evolutionists sure do make a lot of assumptions to come up with their theories that they can't even account for.

One must have faith in creation as you do in evolution for our origin... actually, to believe nothing came from something takes a lot more faith. I only believe God made it all.

What say YOU?

Anders said...

You wrote: “The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers. “

1.If you look up all instances of the term “melakhim” in the Bible it is crystal clear that the correct translation of the term is messengers, not “angels”.

See also the etymology in www.netzarim.co.il ; Glossaries.
Lot is not described as a righteous person in Torah.

I would like to recommend the formal logical proof based on scientific premises found in my blog for the existence of a Creator and His purpose of humankind (proof that Torah contains instructions from the Creator).

Anders Branderud

Steve Wells said...

OK, Anders. The just and righteous Lot offered his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of messenger rapers.

Is that better?

demonslaingod said...

The word Angel also means Messenger, so he is technically correct in saying Angel Rapers.

TJ said...

If I'm not mistaken, the mob wanted to rape the angels instead of the virgin daughters. So technically "angel-rapers" is accurate.

sofia alvarez said...

i would not tell my kids any of these stories... they are to young to be exposed to "drunk" "rape' "sex".

sofia alvarez said...

don't have kids, but i have a smaller brother and sisters.

Unknown said...

I still haven't had a religious person competently explain why there are galaxies 100's of millions of light-years away from us, or why God would create such a phenomena. It's not surprising that these people believe Creation myths, since they have a very difficult time explaining how 1 million is different from 1 billion (I'll give you a clue - if someone is a billionaire, that means they have enough money to make 1,000 people millionaires).