29 June 2009

While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

In his last killing, God burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach the people a lesson: Don't whine.

But if so, it didn't work. Those that survived God's fire immediately began to whine again, saying
Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11:4-6
So Moses and God talk things over and God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!
Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. Numbers 11:19-20
Where did God get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.
And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:31
God coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep, within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter. Six trillion (6 x 1012) dead quail. A couple million for each of several million people.

So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this: If you are hungry, just ask God to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But God will feed you.

Or that would be the moral, if it weren't for the next verse.
And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33
So God fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with "a very great plague."

Which means we need a new moral for this WTF Bible Story: If you are hungry, don't ask God for help. He'll force you to eat food that you don't like until it comes out your nose and then he'll kill you in a plague.

God hates whiners.

(Since this was "a very great plague," I put the death toll at 10,000.)

God's next killing: Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

28 June 2009

When the people complained, God burned them to death

Here's a fun little Bible story for you.

It all happens in just two verses.

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: Numbers 11:1a
The Bible doesn't say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? It doesn't say.

But whatever it was, God heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.)
and the LORD heard it; Numbers 11:1b
So what do you think God did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?

Not quite. Here's what he did.
and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. Numbers 11:1c
I don't know for sure, of course, but I think God was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. God teaches best when he teaches by example.

Finally the people beg Moses to make God stop. And God stopped burning people to death.
And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. Numbers 11:2
Don't you just love happy endings?

(For those keeping score: The Bible doesn't say how many people were burned to death in this episode. So I just guessed 100.)

This killing is highlighted in the Poverty and Justice Bible. Here's how they put it.
One day the Israelites started complaining about their troubles. The Lord heard them and became so angry that he destroyed the outer edges of their camp with fire.
This shows God's sense of justice. If you complain about your troubles, God will burn you to death.

God's next killing: While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

22 June 2009

God's Killings in Leviticus

I can only find two killings in Leviticus, but they are both doosies.

  1. God burned to death Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire."
    Leviticus 10:1-3

  2. A blasphemer is stoned to death at God's command.
    Leviticus 24:11-23

And although God only kills three people, he orders everyone else to kill plenty of others.

Some he wants you to stone to death.

And others you must burn.

But most he just says you should kill, without specifying the method. (Although you should make sure, whatever method you use, that "their blood be upon them." It's probably best to use a humane, God-approved method like stoning or burning.)

And of course God wants you to kill animals for him. Lots and lots of animals.

Indeed, the first 9 chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, wave the body parts over your head, and burn the whole bloody mess for a "sweet savor unto the Lord."

And what if you refuse to kill all these people and animals?

Here's what God will do to you.

If ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:14-29

So it's up to you. Burn, stone, kill and slosh the blood of dead animals round about. Or God will force you to eat your children. It's just that simple.

And now on to God's killings in the Book of Numbers.

17 June 2009

OMG: A blasphemer is stoned to death

Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python's The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here's what he says in his own defense:
I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."
Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes. It probably looked something like this.

So they bring him to Moses and God tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death. So that's what they did.
And they brought him unto Moses. ... And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. ... And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, ... And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:11-23
As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, "Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!"

God's next killing: When the people complained, God burned them to death

11 June 2009

God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering "strange fire"

Here's a nice Bible story for Father's Day.
And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. Leviticus 10:1-2
Aaron's sons offered some sort of strange fire to God, and it pissed God off so much that he burned them to death.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Don't play with fire or God will burn you to death. God fights fire with fire.

But I like Moses' explanation even better. Here's what he said to Aaron right after God burned Aaron's sons to death.
Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. Leviticus 10:3a
God burned Aaron's sons alive so that God would "be sanctified in them" and so that he would "be glorified."

That helps.

Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or God would kill him too, along with all the people.
And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. Leviticus 10:6
So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.
And Aaron held his peace. Leviticus 10:3b
In this story, who the biggest asshole: Moses, Aaron, or God?

Note: I revised this post to include the bit about Moses forbidding Aaron to mourn the death of his sons. Somehow I missed that, and I thank Wise Fool for pointing it out in the comments. (If I'd paid more attention to the Brick Testament story, I would have caught that!)

God's next killing: A blasphemer is stoned to death

10 June 2009

God's Killings in Exodus: A summary

Here's a summary of God's killings in Exodus. Let me know if I missed any.
Killing EventVerseEstimated number killedCumulative total
1 Hail Exodus 9:19-25 300,000 300,000
2 Egyptian firstborn Exodus 12:29-30 1,000,000 1,300,000
3 Egyptian army Exodus 14:24-25 5,000 1,305,000
4 Amalekites Exodus 17:10-16 1,000 1,306,000
5 God forced Israelites to kill each other as punishment for Aaron's golden calf Exodus 32:26-28 3,000 1,309,000
6 God sends a plague to punish the Israelites (again) for Aaron's golden calf Exodus 32:35 1,000 1,310,000

So in Exodus, there were 6 killing events and an estimated total of 1.3 million or so.

And now on to Leviticus.

07 June 2009

The Psalms: Imprecatory Prayers for Christian Terrorists

Wiley Drake, a former Southern Baptist Convention officer, says the the murder of George Tiller was an answer to "imprecatory prayer" and that he is praying for Barack Obama's death.

Drake says that imprecatory prayer (praying for the misfortune or death of one's enemies) is found throughout scripture, particularly in the Psalms.

And he's right about that. Here are some of the verses from Psalms that Wiley especially likes.

Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them. ... Let destruction come upon him at unawares Psalm 35:6-8
Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into hell. Psalm 55:15
Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... let them be as cut in pieces. ... The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.Psalm 58:6-10
Thou therefore, O LORD God of hosts, the God of Israel, awake to visit all the heathen: be not merciful to any wicked transgressors. ... they make a noise like a dog ... Behold, they belch out with their mouth ... But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision. ... The God shall let me see my desire upon mine enemies. Psalm 59:5-10
Consume them in wrath, consume them ... let them make a noise like a dog. Psalm 59:13-14
But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23
Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake. Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them. Let their habitation be desolate ... Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness. Let them be blotted out of the book of the living. Psalm 69:23-28
So persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid with thy storm. Fill their faces with shame ... Let them be confounded and troubled for ever; yea, let them be put to shame, and perish: Psalm 83:15-17
Set thou a wicked man over him: and let Satan stand at his right hand. When he shall be judged, let him be condemned: and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places. Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour. Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out. Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out. Psalm 109:6-14
Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God ... Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Psalm 139:19-22
Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:10
Let the saints be joyful in glory: let them sing aloud upon their beds. Let the high praises of God be in their mouth, and a two-edged sword in their hand; To execute vengeance upon the heathen, and punishments upon the people; To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron. Psalm 149:5-8

Most Christians are embarrassed by these verses, as they are with most of the Bible. Maybe it's time for them to admit the obvious: the Bible is not a good book and it was not inspired by a kind and loving God.

06 June 2009

What does Jesus have written on his testicles?

OK, I'm not sure about this. Jesus might not have anything written on his testicles.
But he does have something written on his thigh, at least if you believe the Book of Revelation.
And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16
Here's what it looks like.

But since "thigh" is a biblical euphemism for testicle, it may be that Jesus has "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" tattooed on his testicles (or more likely, his scrotum).

Wouldn't that be cool?

I'll bet he has "King of Kings" on one side, and "Lord of Lords" on the other.

He's the type.

And it would go well with the rest of his outfit.
And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns ... And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron. Revelation 19:11-13, 15

05 June 2009

The great winepress of the wrath of God (How many will Jesus kill with his sickle?)

(Since the Brick Testament just added this story, I thought I'd update this old post by including a scene from and a link to The Son of Man's Bloody Gorefest.)

In a previous posts, I counted the number of people killed by God in the Bible (2,301,427) and the number he plans to kill during the tribulation (3.25 billion). But, according to the Bible, he has even more killing in mind.
And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ... And another angel came out from the altar, which had power over fire; and cried with a loud cry to him that had the sharp sickle, saying, Thrust in thy sharp sickle, and gather the clusters of the vine of the earth; for her grapes are fully ripe. ... And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. -- Revelation 14:14-20
Where is God going to find so much blood? How many people would it take?
Well, a furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 1014 liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 1013 people.
Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people? He's already killed off half of us in Revelation 8:6 and 9:15-18, so (assuming this all happens soon) that only leaves him with a little over 3 billion people to kill. His winepress requires nearly 10,000 times as many. Shucks!
But then, I guess God is God and he can create more people just to kill them. So I suppose that's what he'll do.