God's 16th Killing: While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague

In his last killing, God burned people to death for complaining. I suppose this was to teach the people a lesson: Don't whine.

But if so, it didn't work. Those that survived God's fire immediately began to whine again, saying

Who shall give us flesh to eat? We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlick: But now our soul is dried away: there is nothing at all, beside this manna, before our eyes. Numbers 11:4-6

So Moses and God talk things over and God says he'll give them meat, alright. He'll feed them meat until it comes out their noses!

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. Numbers 11:19-20

Where did God get the meat, you ask? From quail. Lots and lots of quail.

And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:31

God coated the ground with dead quail. A meter deep, within a circle 60 kilometers in diameter. Six trillion (6 x 10¹²) dead quail. A couple million for each of several million people.

So everyone had plenty of meat to eat. And the moral of the story is this:

If you are hungry, just ask God to feed you. You may get more than you want. You may get so much that it comes out your nose. But God will feed you.

Or that would be the moral, if it weren't for the next verse.

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33

So God fed the people quail until it came out their noses and then killed many of them with "a very great plague."

Which means we need a new moral for this WTF Bible Story:

If you are hungry, don't ask God for help. He'll force you to eat food that you don't like until it comes out your nose and then he'll kill you in a plague.

God hates whiners.

(Since this was "a very great plague," I put the death toll at 10,000.)

God's 15th Killing: When the people complained, God burned them to death

Here's a fun little WTF Bible Story for you.

It all happens in just two verses.

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: Numbers 11:1a

The Bible doesn't say what the people were complaining about. Spending years wandering around the desert following a cloud around? Not having enough food or water? It doesn't say.

But whatever it was, God heard it. (He had his hearing aid on.)

and the LORD heard it; Numbers 11:1b

So what do you think God did? Did he explain why he was leading them around for 40 years without adequate food or water on a trip that should have taken a few weeks?

Not quite. Here's what he did.

and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp. Numbers 11:1c

I don't know for sure, of course, but I think God was trying to teach parents a lesson here. When your kids complain, burn them to death. God teaches best when he teaches by example.

Finally the people beg Moses to make God stop. And God stopped burning people to death.

And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched. Numbers 11:2

Don't you just love happy endings?

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(For those keeping score: The Bible doesn't say how many people were burned to death in this episode. So I just guessed 100.)

This killing is highlighted in the Poverty and Justice Bible. Here's how they put it.

One day the Israelites started complaining about their troubles. The Lord heard them and became so angry that he destroyed the outer edges of their camp with fire.

This shows God's sense of justice. If you complain about your troubles, God will burn you to death.

God's Killings in Leviticus

I can only find two killings in Leviticus, but they are both doosies.

1. God burned to death Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire."
   Leviticus 10:1-3

   

2. A blasphemer is stoned to death at God's command.
   Leviticus 24:11-23

   

And although God only kills three people, he orders everyone else to kill plenty of others.

Some he wants you to stone to death.

• Blasphemers Leviticus 24:16

• People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) Leviticus 20:27

And others you must burn.

• A man that has sex with his wife and mother-in-law (burn all three) Leviticus 20:14

• A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" Leviticus 21:9

But most he just says you should kill, without specifying the method. (Although you should make sure, whatever method you use, that "their blood be upon them." It's probably best to use a humane, God-approved method like stoning or burning.)

• Children who curse their parents Leviticus 20:9

• Both parties in adultery Leviticus 20:10

• If a man has sex with his father's wife (kill them both) Leviticus 20:11

• A man that "lies" with his daughter-in-law (kill them both) Leviticus 20:12

• A man that has sex with another man (kill them both) Leviticus 20:13

• A man or woman that "lies with a beast" (kill man or woman and the beast) Leviticus 20:15-16

And of course God wants you to kill animals for him. Lots and lots of animals.

Indeed, the first 9 chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, wave the body parts over your head, and burn the whole bloody mess for a "sweet savor unto the Lord."

And what if you refuse to kill all these people and animals?

Here's what God will do to you.

If ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
...
I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children
...
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:14-29

So it's up to you. Burn, stone, kill and slosh the blood of dead animals round about. Or God will force you to eat your children. It's just that simple.

And now on to God's killings in the Book of Numbers.

Who is the best father in the Bible?

Since it's Father's Day, let's look for examples of good fathers in the Bible. Here are some that come to mind.

Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them. Everyone except for Noah (and his family), that is.

What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)

It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.

And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

Lot, the just and righteous
Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family. This was because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him:

He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:

"Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

Later he got drunk and impregnated them.

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

Abraham
Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.

Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

Jacob
Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)

Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

Aaron
Aaron just watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

Gideon
Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.

And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.

And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

Jephthah
When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

Saul
Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction.

Saul was also a model for Christian parents who discover that they have a gay child. Here's how Saul handled it when he found out about Jonathan's homosexual relationship with David.

Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said unto him, Thou son of the perverse rebellious woman, do not I know that thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion, and unto the confusion of thy mother's nakedness? ... Wherefore now send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die. And Jonathan answered Saul his father, and said unto him, Wherefore shall he be slain? what hath he done? And Saul cast a javelin at him to smite him: whereby Jonathan knew that it was determined of his father to slay David. 1 Samuel 20:30-33

God the Father
Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.

Which do you think is the best Father's Day example?

God's 14th Killing: God commands blasphemer to be stoned

Remember the stoning scene from Monty Python's The Life of Brian? A man (Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath) is about to be stoned to death for blasphemy. Here's what he says in his own defense:

I had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."

Well, this story from Leviticus is pretty much the same, except here two guys are fighting and one of them blasphemes. It probably looked something like this.

So they bring him to Moses and God tells Moses that everyone must stone the blasphemer to death. So that's what they did.

And they brought him unto Moses. ... And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. ... And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, ... And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses. Leviticus 24:11-23

As Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath would have said, "Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!"

God's 13th Killing: God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire"

Here's a nice Bible story for Father's Day.

And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. Leviticus 10:1-2

Aaron's sons offered some sort of strange fire to God, and it pissed God off so much that he burned them to death.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Don't play with fire or God will burn you to death. God fights fire with fire.

But I like Moses' explanation even better. Here's what he said to Aaron right after God burned Aaron's sons to death.

Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. Leviticus 10:3a

God burned Aaron's sons alive so that God would "be sanctified in them" and so that he would "be glorified."

That helps.

Moses warned Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons (by uncovering his head or tearing his clothes) or God would kill him too, along with all the people.

And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people. Leviticus 10:6

So Aaron did as he was told, and watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.

And Aaron held his peace. Leviticus 10:3b

In this story, who the biggest asshole: Moses, Aaron, or God?

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Note: I revised this post to include the bit about Moses forbidding Aaron to mourn the death of his sons. Somehow I missed that, and I thank Wise Fool for pointing it out in the comments. (If I'd paid more attention to the Brick Testament story, I would have caught that!)

God's Killings in Exodus: A summary

Here's a summary of God's killings in Exodus. Let me know if I missed any.

	Killing Event	Verse	Estimated number killed	Cumulative total
1	Hail	Exodus 9:19-25	300,000	300,000
2	Egyptian firstborn	Exodus 12:29-30	1,000,000	1,300,000
3	Egyptian army	Exodus 14:24-25	5,000	1,305,000
4	Amalekites	Exodus 17:10-16	1,000	1,306,000
5	God forced Israelites to kill each other as punishment for Aaron's golden calf	Exodus 32:26-28	3,000	1,309,000
6	God sends a plague to punish the Israelites (again) for Aaron's golden calf	Exodus 32:35	1,000	1,310,000

So in Exodus, there were 6 killing events and an estimated total of 1.3 million or so.

And now on to Leviticus.

The Psalms: Imprecatory Prayers for Christian Terrorists

Wiley Drake, a former Southern Baptist Convention officer, says the the murder of George Tiller was an answer to "imprecatory prayer" and that he is praying for Barack Obama's death.

Drake says that imprecatory prayer (praying for the misfortune or death of one's enemies) is found throughout scripture, particularly in the Psalms.

And he's right about that. Here are some of the verses from Psalms that Wiley especially likes.

Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them. ... Let destruction come upon him at unawares Psalm 35:6-8

Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into hell. Psalm 55:15

Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... let them be as cut in pieces. ... The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.Psalm 58:6-10

Thou therefore, O LORD God of hosts, the God of Israel, awake to visit all the heathen: be not merciful to any wicked transgressors. ... they make a noise like a dog ... Behold, they belch out with their mouth ... But thou, O LORD, shalt laugh at them; thou shalt have all the heathen in derision. ... The God shall let me see my desire upon mine enemies. Psalm 59:5-10

Consume them in wrath, consume them ... let them make a noise like a dog. Psalm 59:13-14

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

Let their eyes be darkened, that they see not; and make their loins continually to shake. Pour out thine indignation upon them, and let thy wrathful anger take hold of them. Let their habitation be desolate ... Add iniquity unto their iniquity: and let them not come into thy righteousness. Let them be blotted out of the book of the living. Psalm 69:23-28

So persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid with thy storm. Fill their faces with shame ... Let them be confounded and troubled for ever; yea, let them be put to shame, and perish: Psalm 83:15-17

Set thou a wicked man over him: and let Satan stand at his right hand. When he shall be judged, let him be condemned: and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few; and let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places. Let the extortioner catch all that he hath; and let the strangers spoil his labour. Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off; and in the generation following let their name be blotted out. Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered with the LORD; and let not the sin of his mother be blotted out. Psalm 109:6-14

Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God ... Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Psalm 139:19-22

Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:10

Let the saints be joyful in glory: let them sing aloud upon their beds. Let the high praises of God be in their mouth, and a two-edged sword in their hand; To execute vengeance upon the heathen, and punishments upon the people; To bind their kings with chains, and their nobles with fetters of iron. Psalm 149:5-8

Most Christians are embarrassed by these verses, as they are with most of the Bible. Maybe it's time for them to admit the obvious: the Bible is not a good book and it was not inspired by a kind and loving God.

What does Jesus have written on his testicles?

OK, I'm not sure about this. Jesus might not have anything written on his testicles.

But he does have something written on his thigh, at least if you believe the Book of Revelation.

Here's what it looks like.

But since "thigh" is a biblical euphemism for testicle, it may be that Jesus has "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" tattooed on his testicles (or more likely, his scrotum).

Wouldn't that be cool?

I'll bet he has "King of Kings" on one side, and "Lord of Lords" on the other.

He's the type.

And it would go well with the rest of his outfit.

The great winepress of the wrath of God (How many will Jesus kill with his sickle?)

(Since the Brick Testament just added this story, I thought I'd update this old post by including a scene from and a link to The Son of Man's Bloody Gorefest.)

In a previous posts, I counted the number of people killed by God in the Bible (2,301,427) and the number he plans to kill during the tribulation (3.25 billion). But, according to the Bible, he has even more killing in mind.

And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ... And another angel came out from the altar, which had power over fire; and cried with a loud cry to him that had the sharp sickle, saying, Thrust in thy sharp sickle, and gather the clusters of the vine of the earth; for her grapes are fully ripe. ... And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. -- Revelation 14:14-20

Where is God going to find so much blood? How many people would it take?

Well, a furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 10¹⁴ liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 10¹³ people.

Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people? He's already killed off half of us in Revelation 8:6 and 9:15-18, so (assuming this all happens soon) that only leaves him with a little over 3 billion people to kill. His winepress requires nearly 10,000 times as many. Shucks!

But then, I guess God is God and he can create more people just to kill them. So I suppose that's what he'll do.