26 August 2009

Has God forced you to eat any of your children lately?

Me neither, and I don't know why.

God was very clear about it in Deuteronomy 28. If you don't follow all of his laws, he will force you to eat your children.

Here are just some of the things God promises to do to you if you don't follow his laws.

But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: Deuteronomy 28:15



Thou shalt betroth a wife ... 28:30a















... and another man shall lie with her. 28:30b















The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed ... The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you ... 28:27, 63






The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. 28:35








The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart. And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness. 28:28-29







And thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away. 28:22










And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. 28:53












All these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue thee, and overtake thee, till thou be destroyed; because thou hearkenedst not unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded thee. 28:45

A Biblical Solution to the Health Care Crisis: Faith-based medicine (for Republicans)

(Re-post for the current health care debate)

A few years ago Garrison Keillor suggested a way to solve our health care crisis, and it's even more relevant today: impose faith-based medicine on all Republicans. That would reduce, by at least a third, the total US health care cost, while encouraging (okay, requiring) the religious right (and those who go along with them) to practice their faith.

Here's how it would work (with biblical justification, of course).

Sick republicans would ask their religious leaders to pray for them (and maybe get anointed with Crisco oil).

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. --James 5:14-15

Or, if they choose, they can try touching their religious leader's handkerchief or something.

So that from his [Paul's] body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. -- Acts 19:12

But under the faith-based medical plan, Republicans would not be allowed to go to a doctor. Because God is insulted when they trust science more than faith.

And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. -- 2 Chronicles 16:12
As Garrison Keillor said
Let them try faith-based medicine, let them pray for their arteries to be reamed and their hips to be restored, and leave science to the rest of us.

20 August 2009

When to Stone Your Whole Family

OK, I admit it. I stole the title from the Brick Testament.

But the Brick Testament pretty much stole it from the Bible, so I guess it all works out OK.

Deuteronomy 13 gets my vote for the worst chapter in the Bible. But before we get into it, let's look at its context.

The last verse of chapter 12 says this.

What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it. Deuteronomy 12:32

The person who is supposedly talking here is God, and he says to do whatever he says, exactly as he says, no more and no less.

And what does he say to do immediately after this verse? Three things.

  1. Kill any prophet or dreamer of dreams. Even if they have cool signs and wonders. (Like Jesus.)
    If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder ... that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death. Deuteronomy 13:1-5

  2. Kill your family if they have religious beliefs that differ from your own. (Like that crazy aunt of yours who's a Jehovah's Witness.)
    If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

  3. Kill everyone in every city that has citizens that believe differently than you. (Like Salt Lake City.)
    If thou shalt hear ... men ... saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known ... Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:12-17

But I'd like to focus on God's second command in Deuteronomy 13: When to Stone Your Whole Family.

If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him. Deuteronomy 13:6-8





But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death. Deuteronomy 13:8-9













and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:9














So God commands us all to stone to death, without pity, our wife, husband, son, daughter, brother, sister, or friend, if they have religious beliefs that are different from our own. (Our own beliefs are the correct beliefs, of course.)

And God said immediately before these verses that "what thing soever I command you, observe to do it."

Is there a believer that follows God's command in Deuteronomy 13:6-10? Or who thinks it's a good idea but is too chicken to do it? Or that was a good idea back in the day but isn't so good now?

Is there a believer who thinks this command was really given by, or at least inspired by, God? Or that God had anything to do with it?

Is there a believer who is not deeply ashamed that this passage is in the Bible?

If so, I'd love to hear about it.

19 August 2009

All the men, women, and children in 60 cities

Chapter 30 in Drunk with Blood: God's killings in the Bible.

Deuteronomy 3:3-6, Numbers 21:33-35

Estimated number killed: 60,000

Og and the people of Bashan

Table of God's killings

Who has killed more Satan or God?

God's next killing

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

18 August 2009

God hardens King Sihon's heart so that all his people can be killed

Chapter 29 in Drunk with Blood: God's killings in the Bible.

Deuteronomy 2:35-36

Estimated number killed: 5000

King Sihon and his cities

Table of God's killings

Who has killed more Satan or God?

God's next killing

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

17 August 2009

God the giant killer

Chapter 28 in Drunk with Blood: God's killings in the Bible.

Deuteronomy 2:20-23

Estimated number killed: 5000

Giants

Table of God's killings

Who has killed more Satan or God?

God's next killing

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

14 August 2009

God slowly kills the Israelite army

Chapter 27 in Drunk with Blood: God's killings in the Bible.

Deuteronomy 2:14-16

Estimated number killed: 500,000

Israelite soldiers

Table of God's killings

Who has killed more Satan or God?

God's next killing

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

10 August 2009

God's Killings in Numbers (Don't complain about them!)

Here's a summary of God's 13 killings in the Book of Numbers.
Killing Event Verse Estimated number killed Cumulative total
1 God burned people to death for complaining Numbers 11:1 100 100
2 God sent "a very great plague" for complaining about the food. 11:33 10,000 10,100
3 God killed ten scouts with a plague. 14:35-36 10 10,110
4 A man who gathered firewood on the sabbath is stoned to death 15:32-26 1 10,111
5 Korah, Dathan, and Abiram (and their families) are buried alive for complaining about Moses' leadership 16:27 12 10,123
6 Burned to death for offering incense 16:35 250 10,373
7 For complaining about God's killings 16:49 14,700 25,073
8 Massacre of the Aradites 21:1-3 3000 28,073
9 God sent serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. 21:6 100 28,173
10 God delivers the Bashanites into Moses' hands 21:34-35 2000 30,173
11 Phinehas impales a mixed-race couple having sex 25:6-8 2 30,175
12 For "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab" 25:9 24,000 54,175
13 Midianite massacre 31:1-35 200,000 254,175

See something that stands out in this list? I do. (You probably do too since I highlighted it.) It is the central message of the Book of Numbers: Don't complain, especially not about the food or God's killings.

07 August 2009

The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?

This is a bible story that everyone should know.

It begins with God telling Moses to take vengeance on the Midianites. (He doesn't say for what, but I guess it was for the sex and dinner party that brought on God's last round of killings.)

So Moses does what he's told and sends off 12,000 men led by Phinehas (the guy who stopped God from killing everyone by impaling the couple who were having sex).

First they killed every male "as the LORD commanded Moses."

And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. Numbers 31:7

Next they killed five kings,

And they slew the kings of Midian ... namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian. Numbers 31:8a

along with Balaam (the nice guy with the talking ass).

Balaam also the son of Beor they slew with the sword. Numbers 31:8b

Then they took the women and children captive, collected their animals and valuables, burned the cities, and returned to Moses.

And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. Numbers 31:9

But Moses wasn't pleased. Here's what he said:

And Moses was wroth with the officers ... Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel ... to commit trespass against the LORD ... and there was a plague. Numbers 31:14-16
And Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:17-18

(You see, it was the Midianite women who had sex and a dinner with the Israelites. And that's what pissed God off so much. So all the non-virgin women had to be killed.)

So that's what they did. They went back and killed all the non-virgin women, keeping the 32,000 virgins alive for themselves. (I'm not sure how they separated the virgins from the non-virgins, but God probably helped out with that.)


Since there were 32,000 virgin women saved alive as booty, I figured there must have been about 200,000 killed in this episode, which would include all of the males (men, boys, babies) and non-virgin females.


God's next killing
Chapter 26 in Drunk with Blood: God's killings in the Bible.

Table of God's killings

Who has killed more Satan or God?

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible