19 January 2010

God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

After God's last killing, David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off end of Saul's skirt.
This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:
Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 1 Samuel 24:17-20
And I suppose that I'd be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.
After David's amazing bathroom caper, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.1 Samuel 25:8
But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongs to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11
When David heard about it, he swore he'd kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that pisses against a wall).
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
Meanwhile, Nabal's wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.
Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 1 Samuel 25:18
And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging dick (those that piss against the wall).
For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:34
Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David's extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning (since he was too drunk the night before) to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) Then Nabal had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed. About ten days later, God killed him.
And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38
When David heard that Nabal was dead,
He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39
So God killed Nabal and David got his wife along with all his other stuff.
(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other "damsels". But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don't know what happened to all the wall pissers.)

God's next killing: David commits random acts of genocide

3 comments:

matt311 said...

So... God kills Nabal just to score David some sweet women? WTF?

Also, does anyone else notice that "Nabal" spelled backwards is "Laban"? Coincidence?

busterggi said...

I love Judeo-Christian family values!

Steve Wells said...

I guess that right, matt. God killed Nabal so he could get him some more hot women and other cool stuff. But we should ask a believer, just to be sure. If there are any around anymore. (I really miss their explanations for the Bible stories.)