04 February 2010

God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it from one city after another trying to keep God away from their asses.

The Philistines finally got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then they looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 Bethshemeshites.

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.
That was the condensed version. Here's the story from the Bible.
David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims. And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark. And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:1-7
I guess this was God's way of saying, "Thanks".

God's next killing: David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

3 comments:

Erika said...

Well, if Uzzah hadn't put his hand on it, it would have spilled open and then God would have got to kill everyone. Of course he would be disappointed!

matt311 said...

So... God's one angry fucker.

Hmmmmm; why does this never happen nowadays?

twillight said...

Why should you protect any stuff of Yahwe/Elohim/Jelousy/Enki/whoknowswhat?
You can always rebuild things.
If it will be an obvious forgery, that doesn't count either (think back on the stone tablets at Moses).
And for this we have the plans for it. Rebuild this shit NOW, and let's see if it works!