Hey Sarah, pray louder! Maybe he's daydreaming or relieving himself

Yesterday Sarah Palin said we should give up on the clean-up efforts in the Gulf and ask God for a solution/miracle.

Gulf disaster needs divine intervention as man's efforts have been futile. Gulf lawmakers designate today Day of Prayer for solution/miracle

And I'm sure all of her prayer warriors (along with the Louisiana Legislature) did just that. So what's the problem? Couldn't God hear her and her friends?

It reminds me of the words of Elijah, taunting the 450 prophets of Baal in the prayer contest.

Pray louder! He is a god! Maybe he is day-dreaming or relieving himself, or perhaps he's gone off on a trip! Or maybe he's sleeping, and you've got to wake him up! 1 Kings 18:27

Keep praying, Sarah. Nothing fails like prayer.

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A note about the translation of 1 Kings 18:27

The Bible versions that are most popular to believers (KJV, NIV, RSV) translate this verse in a way that sanitizes Elijah's bathroom humor.

The New International Version (NIV) translates "maybe he is relieving himself" as being "busy."

"Shout louder!" he said. "Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened." NIV

The King James Version (KJV) translates it as "pursuing."

Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. KJV

And the Revised Standard Version (RSV) as "he has gone aside."

And at noon Eli'jah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god; either he is musing, or he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." RSV

But Elijah wasn't the type to bother with polite euphemisms.

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And now for something completely different.

Jezebel

Next on God's hit list for Jehu was Jezebel. So he rode his chariot over to her house.
When she heard Jehu was coming, she put on her make-up and sat by the window. As he entered the gate, she said, "Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?," referring to Zimri's murder of king Baasha and his family.
Jehu poked his head in the window and said to Jezebel's eunuchs, "Who is on my side?" And then said, "Throw her down."
So the eunuchs threw her out the window, where she was trampled by horses, her blood splattering everywhere.

Throw her down. So they threw her down: and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot. 2 Kings 9:33

Then Jehu went off to eat and drink, telling his people to go take a look the "cursed woman" and then bury her.

And when he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed woman, and bury her: for she is a king's daughter. 2 Kings 9:34

But when they went to bury her, but couldn't find her, at least not very much of her. Dogs had already eaten everything except her skull, feet, and the palms of her hands.

And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of her hands. 2 Kings 9:35

Which, of course, is just like God said it would be. Jezebel would be eaten by dogs and her body would be treated like shit.

This is the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field 2 Kings 9:36-37

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God's next killing: Seventy heads in two heaps

450 Religious Leaders Killed in a Prayer Contest

But who killed them? Elijah or God or both?

Here's the story.

Ahab, the king of Israel, was a follower of Baal, which, of course, Yahweh and Elijah didn't like very much. So Elijah suggested a prayer contest to determine which god was the real God.

Elijah told Ahab to get all the prophets of Baal to meet him on Mt. Carmel. When they arrived, he told them to get a bull, kill it, chop it into pieces, and put the whole bloody mess on some wood. But don't light it on fire. Then ask Baal to light it all on fire.

So the prophets of Baal did that. They prayed and prayed and cut themselves with knives, but nothing happened. Elijah taunted them, saying, "Pray harder! Maybe your god is on a trip or sleeping or something." But still there was no fire.

Elijah did the same thing. He even poured water over it all three times. Then he prayed to God and a fire fell down from heaven and consumed it all, even the surrounding stones.

Then Elijah told the spectators to slaughter the 450 prophets of Baal.

Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men. ....
And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 1 Kings 18:22, 40

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Here's ZJemptv's Mount Carmel Challenge.

Why doesn't anyone try this experiment today? (Skipping the slaughter of the losers.) We could start with believers vs. non-believers, Christians vs. Muslims, Catholics vs. Protestants, etc., until we zoomed in on the correct religious belief. It'd be so simple!

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God's next killing: The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians

God killed king Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong god

In his last killing , God burned 102 men to death (in two shifts of 51 each) for asking Elijah to come down from his hill. The problem, I guess, was not so much in what they asked, but in how they asked it. The first two times, the captain asked directly, and God burned them all to death. The third time the captain groveled first and asked later, and that worked out fine. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

There was a reason, though, that Ahaziah wanted Elijah to come down from his hill. He wanted to ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to recover from his illness. And now that the third group of 51 got Elijah to come down from his hill, Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God about it.

[But Elijah had already told Ahaziah (via messengers) back in 2 Kings 1.6 that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god, so I don't know why he had to send the three sets of 51 to asked Elijah again. I guess he wanted Elijah to come down and give him the message directly.]

In any case, Elijah came down the mountain to talk to the king.

He arose, and went down with him unto the king. 2 Kings 1.15

Here's what Elijah told the king (again).

Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast sent messengers to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron, is it not because there is no God in Israel to enquire of his word? therefore thou shalt not come down off that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.16

And in the next verse, king Ahaziah dies "according to the word of the Lord."

So he died according to the word of the LORD which Elijah had spoken. 1.17

God's next killing: two bears rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet’s bald head

God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill

King Ahaziah (of Israel) became ill after falling though a lattice floor. So he sent some messengers to ask Baalzebub if he would recover.

Ahaziah fell down through a lattice in his upper chamber that was in Samaria, and was sick: and he sent messengers, and said unto them, Go, enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron whether I shall recover of this disease. 2 Kings 1.2

Then an angel told Elijah to tell some messengers to tell Ahaziah that God would kill him for asking the wrong god.

The angel ... said to Elijah ... Arise, go up to meet the messengers ... and say unto them, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that ye go to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? Now therefore thus saith the LORD, Thou shalt not come down from that bed ... but shalt surely die. 1.3-4

So the messengers returned and delivered the message to king Ahaziah.

The messengers … said unto him, There came a man up to meet us, and said unto us, Go, turn again unto the king that sent you, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that thou sendest to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? therefore thou shalt not come down from that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die. 1.5-6

Ahaziah asked them what the guy who gave them the message looked like. They said he was "a hairy man" with "leather about his loins."

What manner of man was he which came up to meet you, and told you these words? And they answered him, He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. 1.7

When the king heard that, he knew it was Elijah. Nobody dresses like Elijah!

He said, It is Elijah. 1.8

So the king sent a captain and fifty men to go find Elijah. They found him sitting on top of a hill and said to him, "Come down."

Then the king sent unto him a captain of fifty with his fifty. And he went up to him: and, behold, he sat on the top of an hill. And he spake unto him, Thou man of God, the king hath said, Come down. 1.9

Which I guess was the wrong thing to say, judging from Elijah's response.

Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.10a

And that's what happened. Fire came down from heaven and burned the 51 guys to death.

There came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.10b

I'm not sure how Ahaziah found out about all this, but he did, and he sent another captain and 50 men to try again.

Again also he sent unto him another captain of fifty with his fifty. 1.11a

They found Elijah sitting on top of the same hill and the captain told him the same thing: "Come down quickly." (I guess they added the quickly for emphasis.)

He … said unto him, O man of God, thus hath the king said, Come down quickly. 1.11b

Elijah responded in the usual way.

Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. 1.12a

You probably can guess what happened next.

The fire of God came down from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 1.12b

Once again the king found out what had happened. So he sent another captain with 50 men. (I guess he figured it worked out well the first two times.)

He sent again a captain of the third fifty with his fifty. 1.13a

But this time the captain didn't ask Elijah to come down. He got on his knees and groveled in front of Elijah, begging him not to burn him to death.

The third captain of fifty went up, and came and fell on his knees before Elijah … and said unto him, O man of God, I pray thee, let my life, and the life of these fifty thy servants, be precious in thy sight. Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties: therefore let my life now be precious in thy sight. 1.13b-14

And that worked a lot better. Elijah came down the off his hill and went with them to see Ahaziah -- which I guess is what Ahaziah wanted him to do in the first place.

The angel of the LORD said unto Elijah, Go down with him: be not afraid of him. And he arose, and went down with him unto the king. 1.15

So the moral of the story is this: If you see a hairy man dressed in a leather loin cloth sitting on top of a hill, don't ask him to come down (unless you grovel first) or God will burn you to death.

God's next killing: God killed king Ahaziah for asking the wrong God

The drought of Elijah

The story of Elijah begins with a drought.

Elijah … said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1

And according to 1 Kings, the drought ended in its third year (so it lasted more than two but less than three years).

The LORD came to Elijah in the third year, saying, Go, shew thyself unto Ahab; and I will send rain upon the earth. 1 Kings 18.1

But if you believe the New Testament authors, the drought lasted for 3 years and six months, during which time there was no rain anywhere on earth.

In the days of Elias [Elijah]…the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land. Luke 4.25

Elias [Elijah]… prayed earnestly that it might not rain: and it rained not on the earth by the space of three years and six months. And he prayed again, and the heaven gave rain, and the earth brought forth her fruit. James 5.17-18

The Bible doesn’t say why the drought occurred; apparently it was just to get Elijah’s prophecy career off to a good start. But if the book of James is right and it didn’t rain anywhere on earth for 3 and a half years, then many people must have died of starvation.

I’ll just guess that 3,000 people starved to death (1000 per year) in God’s promotional campaign for Ellijah.

God's next killing: 450 Religious Leaders Killed in a Prayer Contest