Isaiah 17 and the non-prophet Muhammad

I suppose many Christians are disappointed now that Isaiah 17 is just another failed prophecy. Kerry and Putin have ruined everything for them. Now they won't be able to watch while God burns to death everyone in Damascus, with God himself lighting the fire. Oh well, I'm sure they can find another prophecy to look forward to that involves the suffering and death of millions of people. The Bible is filled with stuff like that.

But Christians aren't the only ones that have prophecies about Damascus. Here's what Muhammad said about it.

The end of the world will start with the arrival of the Dajjal, which is the Muslim version of the Anti-Christ. Muhammad (I'll just call him "Mo" from now on) knew exactly what would happen, even if he didn't know when. (He thought he might live to see it.) If the Dajjal came while Mo was still living, Mo would take care of all the Muslims.

I harbour fear in regard to you in so many other things besides the Dajjal. If he comes forth while I am among on, I shall contend with him on your behalf, but if he comes forth while I am not amongst you, a man must contend on his own behalf and Allah would take care of every Muslim on my behalf (and safeguard him against his evil).

The Dajjal will be a young man with a blind eye and twisted hair.

He (Dajjal) would be a young man with twisted, contracted hair, and a blind eye.

Here's a forensic facial composite sketch of the Dajjal.



If you see this guy coming, drop what you're doing and recite Surah 18 (The Cave).

He who amongst you would survive to see him should recite over him the opening verses of Sura Kahf (xviii.).

That will stop him, especially when you get to the part where Allah gives unbelievers a shower of molten lead to burn their faces.

We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. Quran 18:29

The Dajjal will appear somewhere between Syria and Iraq. And he'll hang around for 439 days.

He would appear on the way between Syria and Iraq and would spread mischief right and left. O servant of Allah! adhere (to the path of Truth). We said: Allah's Messenger, how long would he stay on the earth? He said: For forty days, one day like a year and one day like a month and one day like a week and the rest of the days would be like your days.

He will make it rain and do other cool tricks, until one day he cuts a nice young man into two pieces and separates the two pieces by the distance between an archer and his target.

He would then call a person brimming with youth and strike him with the sword and cut him into two pieces and (make these pieces lie at a distance which is generally) between the archer and his target.

Then the Dajjal will call to the young man that he split into two pieces, and the pieces will go back together again, and the re-united young man will laugh and gleam with happiness.

He would then call (that young man) and he will come forward laughing with his face gleaming (with happiness)...

Once the split boy is back in one piece, a sweaty Jesus will descend onto the top of a mosque on the east side of Damascus, wearing two saffron robes while placing his hands on the wings of two angels.

... and it would at this very time that Allah would send Christ, son of Mary, and he will descend at the white minaret in the eastern side of Damascus wearing two garments lightly dyed with saffron and placing his hands on the wings of two Angels. When he would lower his head, there would fall beads of perspiration from his head, and when he would raise it up, beads like pearls would scatter from it.

Every non-believer who smells Jesus will die, and they will smell his breath as far as they can see.

Every non-believer who would smell the odour of his self would die and his breath would reach as far as he would be able to see.

 Jesus will find and kill the Dajjal at the gate of Ludd.

He would then search for him (Dajjal) until he would catch hold of him at the gate of Ludd and would kill him.

Then Jesus will wipe the faces of the Muslims, Allah will send God and Magog to swarm down from every slope and send insects to attack people's necks, and they'll all die like they were a single person.

Then a people whom Allah had protected would come to Jesus, son of Mary, and he would wipe their faces and would inform them of their ranks in Paradise ... and then Allah would send Gog and Magog and they would swarm down from every slope ... and Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would supplicate Allah, Who would send to them insects (which would attack their necks) and in the morning they would perish like one single person.

Jesus and his companions will come down to earth (I thought they were already down there), where they won't find a single place that isn't filled with rotting bodies and putrefying stench.

Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would then come down to the earth and they would not find in the earth as much space as a single span which is not filled with their putrefaction and stench.

To clean up the mess, Jesus and his companions will ask Allah to send birds with camel-like necks to carry off the stinky dead bodies.

Allah's Apostle, Jesus, and his companions would then again beseech Allah, Who would send birds whose necks would be like those of camels and they would carry them and throw them where God would will.

Once things are cleaned up a bit, Allah will send a pleasant wind that will soothe people -- even under their armpits! All the Muslims will be taken care of and the surviving wicked will commit adultery like asses while waiting for the last hour to come.

Allah would send a pleasant wind which would soothe (people) even under their armpits, and would take the life of every Muslim and only the wicked would survive who would commit adultery like asses and the Last Hour would come to them.

So at least there's that to look forward to.

Top that Christians!

Glenn Beck cites Moroni 9 saying, "If you ever hear me mention the Book of Mormon on the air, we are at the end."

I happen to believe in another book, called the Book of Mormon, and in it at the very end, it is a story about the Americas, and it's only a story of "Watch for these things." It is really a calendar. That's all it is, a calendar. "Watch for these things and you will know what season you're in. 

Towards the very end, one of the last books, it talks about, everything is to repeat itself,  how the enemies that they were up against at that time were into cannibalism. And they were eating people as a sign of bravery and courage. And when I saw the video of, two videos, one in Russia, where the Russian rebels are eating people, the Russian drug lords are actually eating their enemies. 

Now who is tied to the Russians?  The Russians are tied to the same people in Syria. And we are also tying ourselves to the other side in Syria. And I saw the video of a soldier in the groups that we are arming stand on the battlefield and cut the chest open and take a heart, a beating heart, out of a dead body--cut him open and cut it out and eat it, and use it as courage, I thought to myself I know this calendar, I've seen this movie before. 

I warn you, we are in very dangerous times. We are living in biblical times. 

I told my staff a long time ago, when you hear me start talking about God, you'll know we're in a different DEFCON level. When you start hearing me use the words "Jesus Christ" on the air--because I know what it does to my popularity. I know what it does. And I know how it makes you into a crazy Christian kook. And I said we will be in a much different DEFCON level when I start saying "Jesus Christ" and quoting the Bible. 

If you ever hear me mention the Book of Mormon on the air, we are at the end. And I am sorry to say that I feel we are now at the place to where you better have your house in order. 

So get your house in order because Glenn Beck mentioned the Book of Mormon on the air!

But when Glenn Beck watched the cannibal videos, what Book of Mormon passage did it bring to his fervid mind? What was the movie that he had seen before? What day is it now on the Book of Mormon calendar? And what DEFCON level are we now living in?

It's all there in Moroni 9, the penultimate chapter of the last book of the Book of Mormon.

They feed the women upon the flesh of their husbands, and the children upon the flesh of their fathers...

And notwithstanding this great abomination of the Lamanites, it doth not exceed that of our people in Moriantum. For behold, many of the daughters of the Lamanites have they taken prisoners; and after depriving them of that which was most dear and precious above all things, which is chastity and virtue --

And after they had done this thing, they did murder them in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery. Moroni 9:8-10

The Lamanites killed and ate the Nephites. And the Nephites deprived the Lamanite women of "that which is most dear and precious above all things" (their virginity).

Don't you see? Everything repeats itself in the Book of Mormon. It's a calendar, just like Glenn Beck said.

The Russian rebels and the Syrian rebels are cannibals (Glenn Beck watched the movies), just like (well, sort of like, anyway) the Lamanites and the Nephites in the Book of Mormon.

So now you know. It's DEFCON 1 (nuclear war is imminent) and we're living in biblical (and Book of Mormon) times.

Today is Moroni 9 on Glenn Beck's calendar and tomorrow is Jeremiah 19:9.

John Hagee explains how and why the world will end in 2012

John Hagee explains it all in less that 20 minutes. (See video below.)

The sermon begins with the rhetorical question:

Could 2012 be the end of the world as we know it?

The rest of the sermon provides Hagee's answer.

But before getting in to that, Pastor Hagee tells us what "God's point of view" is with respect to homosexuals. (God wants us to kill them.)

The word homosexual does not appear in the Bible, but the concept is clearly expressed by Moses in Leviticus 20:13, it says, "If a man lies with another man as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed abomination. They shall surely be put to death." That's God's point of view.

And that he's "thrilled out of his ever-loving mind" that he'll soon be raptured before the Antichrist shows up.

I gladly tell you that I am a born again, Bible-believing Christian and I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I am thrilled out of my ever-loving mind that when the trumpet of God sounds, I'm out of here before the Antichrist shows up with hell incorporated.

With that out of the way, he begins to fly through the book of Revelation, telling us about the monstrous ecological things that God will do to our planet in the coming months.

I'm going to fly through the chapters of the book of Revelation like a speeding bullet. In the Book of Revelation there are seven seals, seven trumpets, and seven vials. Twenty-one monstrous ecological things that happen to literally devastate the planet Earth.

God will start things off by burning up 1/3 of the Earth's vegetation. (Hagee believes in global warming, but it's not human-caused, it's God-caused.)

One-third of the vegetation of the Earth is burned up (Revelation 8:7).

Then hordes of horse-sized locusts will sting people, torturing them for five months, and making them wish they were dead. (But the God of love won't let them die.)

The gates of hell are opened and hordes of locusts, the Bible says, the size of a horse will come up out of the bottomless pit and sting men like a scorpion. (Rev 9:2-6) The pain will last for five months. And men will beg God to let them die. But they cannot find death, the Bible says that.

After that, there'll be a bloody war, where, according to my calculation, about 24 trillion people will be killed.

A world war so bloody that the blood of those killed in battle will flow for 200 miles to the bridles of a horse. (Rev 14:20)

God will cover any survivors with boils from head to toe.

Every person on earth who has taken the mark of the beast in his right hand or forehead will be covered from head to feet with running boils. (Rev 16:2)

Then he'll turn the sea into blood.

The seven seas of the earth will turn to blood. (Rev 16:3-4)

And send an world-wide earthquake that will level mountains and sink islands.

Now you have the Bible describe a world-wide earthquake so monstrous that the mountains of the world are leveled, and that the islands of the sea disappear. (Rev 16:18-20)

Next God will burn the earth with fire, causing us all to run to the mountains, where we'll chew on our tongues while asking the mountains to fall on us.

The sun will scorch the Earth with fire, and mighty men, the Bible says, and kings and men of war will gnaw their tongues in pain and they will crawl into the mountains, and the book of Revelation says they will cry to the mountains, "Fall on us and kill us, to hide us from the wrath of the lamb that's on the throne." (Rev 16:8-11)

Then God will release four angels to kill 1/3 of the human population in a one day. The exact hour for this holy massacre is specified somewhere in Genesis 1, but only God and John Hagee know it.

I ask you, read Revelation 9:15, it's the sixth trumpet. There are four angels released by God himself to destroy one-third of mankind in one day. The Bible says there is a year, a month, a day, and an hour that God picked out from Genesis 1. One-third of mankind on that day, by the will and hand of God, will be destroyed.

That's right. God is going to kill 2.3 billion people in a single day later this year. And if you have a hard time believing that, read Genesis 7:4-23.

You say, I have a hard time believing that. May I refer you to Noah's Flood? Believe it.

Among the dead will be 100 million Americans, one for each aborted fetus, by God and John Hagee's calculation.

In America we have something over 300 million people. That means 100 million people in 24 hours, gone. I believe that God will require a life for every child killed in abortion clinics in America. I believe that's where the tally is going to be set.

So that's ho the world will end. Here's why it will be in 2012.

There are three independent pieces of evidence that when taken together are absolutely convincing.

1. Satellite TV

So why is it coming now? ... I listened to my father and grandfather sit and discuss the fact that the whole world would see the two witnesses killed on the streets of Jerusalem in one hour. (Revelation 11:3-12) They thought there was something in the text that was absolutely false because it was not believable. There was no television at that point in time. Television was born, but we still didn't get it. Then satellite television came in and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding -- we got it. This is how Elijah and Enoch are going to be seen in the city of Jerusalem, when the Antichrist is going to be permitted to kill them. They're going to line in the streets of Jerusalem and the world is going to see them at one time over internet television. The world is going to be so happy that there dead. Remember there's nothing on earth at this time but devil-worshiping, Antichrist-following people. They hate these two men of God. The world is going to be so thrilled their dead, thy're going to give gifts to each other like it's Christmas when they die. But three and a half days later they're going to stand to their feet ... and be lifted from the ground, back into the presence of God. And the whole world will watch them --- woooooweee! ... That couldn't happen before satellite television.

2. Nuclear warfare

And there was another section of verses that my parents couldn't understand, where God said that this is a plague that I will send to those that fight against Israel. That I will cause the flesh to fall from their bones before their body can hit the ground, and their eyes shall  melt in their sockets and their tongue in their mouth. (Zechariah 14:12) There was no way we could understand that. And then came atomic warfare and nuclear warfare.

3. Israel

And then there's the birth of Israel. ... Every major prophecy in the Old Testament said there would be a day that God would bring Israel back home. ... That happened May the 15, 1948.

There are about twelve other reasons that Pastor Hagee didn't have time to tell us about. But these three are the most convincing and they are sufficient.

It's not rocket science, people. It's all in the Bible.

There are about twelve of those prophetic signs I don't have time to give you, but you don't have to be a rocket scientist or a theologian to understand what I've just said. That's all in the Bible.

Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world

Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.

He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.

Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)

Before the end comes the following things must happen:

1. Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5

   Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

   If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8

   (I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)

2. There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7

   When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9

   (There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)

3. There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)

   There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8

   There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8

   Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11

   (This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)

4. Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.

   Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9

   They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9

   They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12

   (This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)

5. But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)

   But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18

   (Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)

6. Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).

   Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17

   (The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)

7. Believers will hate one another.

   Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10

   (Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)

8. Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.

   Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12

   Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16

   (Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)

9. Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)

   Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13

   He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13

   (Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)

10. The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).

    This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14

    The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10

    (This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)

11. The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)

    When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16

    When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14

    (Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)

12. Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19

    Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23

    (I suppose this one has always been true.)

13. Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).

    Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24

    (I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)

14. It will be bloody hell out there.

    Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21

    In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19

    (I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)

15. Everyone will be afraid of everything.

    Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26

    (There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)

16. The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.

    The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29

    The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25

    And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25

    (Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)

17. Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.

    As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27

    Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26

    (Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)

18. And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34

    Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32

    (Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)

So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.

Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).

Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32

So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.

Christian Groups: BP is an angel of God

In my last post, I included an Onion news story entitled, "Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming." It was, of course, a parody. But it was also based on fact.

Christian teabaggers are trying to force schools to stop teaching about global warming. The earth may be warming, they say, but if so, it's not caused by people; it's caused by God. God is going to burn all non-believers to death (and then burn them forever in hell) and the believers are looking forward to it.

Now believers are saying that the Gulf oil spill is a fulfillment of Revelation 8:8-9 and 16.3.

Here's Revelation 8:8-9.

The second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died.

But if that's true, what happened to the first angel? Where was the hail and fire mingled with blood? When were a third of the trees and all of the grass burned? Did God forget to send his first angel?

The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. Revelation 8:7

And here's Revelation 16:3.

The second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.

Which, of course, makes BP an angel of God.

But if so, what about the first angel? God was supposed to send some kind of nasty sores on everybody who had the mark of the beast. I'm pretty sure that if anyone had that mark, I'd have one. Where is my mark and "noisome and grievous sores?"

The first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image. Revelation 16:2

No, until God's first evil angel gives me some hemorrhoids in my secret parts or something, the ocean is safe from God's nasty plans (though obviously not from BP's).

The believers are wrong about the oil spill.

Not even BP is evil enough to be an angel of God.

(Unless BL1Y is right and God is punishing us for ignoring his prohibition against eating shellfish.)

How many more will God kill?

(Revised to include new totals and more extensive analysis.)

In a previous post, I tried to count the number of people killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, if God's many unnumbered killings, such as Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, etc., are excluded; and 24,644,205, if estimates are used.

But what about God's future plans? Does the Bible tell us anything about that?

Well, yes it does. But it’s hard to take any of it seriously, especially if you’re a believer.

Take the great winepress of the wrath of God, for example. You know, the one featured in the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

The story is told in the 14th chapter of the book of Revelation, which begins with Jesus (or “someone like unto the Son of man”) sitting on a white cloud with a gold crown on his head and a sharp sickle in his hand.

I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:14

Then an angel stops by to tell Jesus that it’s time to start swinging his sickle.

Thrust in thy sickle, and reap: for the time is come for thee to reap; for the harvest of the earth is ripe. Revelation 14:15

So Jesus thrusts his sickle on the earth, while still sitting on his cloud.

He that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. Revelation 14:16

Another angel came out of the temple in heaven and joined Jesus on his cloud. He also has his sharp sickle with him, and together they begin to reap the harvest on earth.

Another angel came out of the temple which is in heaven, he also having a sharp sickle. Revelation 14:17

They swing their sickles and pour the resulting blood into a huge winepress. There is so much blood that it flows out of the winepress and covers the ground up to the horses’ bridles in a space of 1600 furlongs.

The winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:20

And from that we can estimate how many people will be killed by Jesus and his angel sidekick.

It’s a simple calculation. A furlong is 202 meters, so 1600 furlongs is about 320 kilometers, and a horse's bridle is 1.5 m high or so. If we take the winepress to be circular with a diameter of 320 kilometers, then the total volume is 1.2 x 10¹⁴ liters. And since an adult has about 5 liters of blood, that gives us 2.4 x 10¹³ (24 trillion) people.

Which could be a problem, even for God. Where will he find so many people to kill? His winepress requires nearly 4,000 times the number of people on earth.

Does this mean that Armageddon won’t occur until the human population reaches 24 trillion? Perhaps.

Or maybe God will just create more people when the time comes just to kill them.

Or it could just be hyperbole. God doesn’t really plan on killing trillions of people; he’s just trying to scare the shit out of everyone.

I’ll leave it for the believers to figure out.

But there are many other verses that say similar (batshit crazy) things in the Bible, and they’re not all in Revelation either.

God will kill so many people that the land will be soaked, the rivers flooded, and the mountains melted in blood. The ground will be covered with dead bodies, which will stink to high heaven. The whole earth will be destroyed. So I guess that means that everybody on earth will be killed by God.

Here are the verses.

Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:3

The unicorns shall come down with them … and their land shall be soaked with blood. Isaiah 34:7

The slain of the LORD shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried; they shall be dung upon the ground. Jeremiah 25:33

I will also water with thy blood the land … even to the mountains; and the rivers shall be full of thee. Ezekiel 32:6

I will fill his mountains with his slain men: in thy hills, and in thy valleys, and in all thy rivers, shall they fall that are slain with the sword. Ezekiel 35:8

Saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place. Amos 8:3

I will slay the last of them with the sword. Amos 9.1

I command the sword, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil, and not for good. Amos 9.4

There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses. Nahum 3:3

I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD. Zephaniah 1:2

I will bring distress upon men … their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17

The earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3.8 I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23

The third part of the sea became blood. Revelation 8:8

They … shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. Revelation 11:8

Still, I suspect that in many of these verses God is exaggerating. Sure, he’s planning to kill lots of people, but not everyone. The land won’t be entirely covered with dead bodies and the mountaintops won’t drown in blood. So I’m not going to estimate the number that God plans to kill from these verses. I’ll wait until God sobers up a bit to do my counting.

So we’re back where we started. How many does God plan to kill in the “end times” that believers hope and pray will come soon?

Well, the Bible tells us how many will be saved, which implies, I guess, that everyone else will be killed.

I heard the number of them which were sealed: and there were sealed an hundred and forty and four thousand of all the tribes of the children of Israel. Revelation 7:4

…the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. Revelation 14.3-4

So if the “end times” happened today, only 144,000 Jewish male virgins would survive. The rest of the 6.8 billion would be killed by God (and then be tormented forever in hell).

Most believers don’t believe this of course. (The Jehovah’s Witnesses are a notable exception.) They say the 144,000 Jewish male virgins is symbolic or something. They just don’t know what it's symbolic of.

Are you ready to give up yet? I’m not.

There’s one other way to get an estimate, but I must warn you. It, too, is from Revelation.

Here are the verses.

I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:8

And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men. And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand ... By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths. Revelation 9.15-18

OK, let's count them up. 1/4 will be killed by Death and Hell (per Rev 6:8). That leaves 3/4 alive, 1/3 of which will be burned to death by the 200 million fire and brimstone breathing horsemen of Rev 9.15-18. Since 1/3 of 3/4 is 1/4, half the human population will be killed in these two slaughters.

Assuming that the rapture (or whatever) is soon (and it's always coming soon), and that the earth's population will be about what it is today, 6.8 billion, then God will soon kill 3,400,000,000.

So what is our final answer?

Well, we have a lower and upper bound. God will kill at least 3.4 billion and perhaps as many as 24 trillion (if he’s going to get his bloody winepress filled).

So let's call it 3.4 billion.

Oh, and what about Satan?

He has no plans for killing any more people (at least there are none recorded in the Bible or that he has told me about).

God	3,400,000,000
Satan	0