How much are you worth to God?

Since I'm working on Leviticus 27 in the Every Jot and Tittle Project, I'm updating this post using the current price of silver.

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Not much, I'm afraid.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... thy estimation shall be of the male from twenty years old even unto sixty years old ... fifty shekels of silver....

And if it be a female, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.

And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male twenty shekels, and for the female ten shekels.

And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the male five shekels of silver, and for the female thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.

And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a male, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the female ten shekels. Leviticus 27:1-7

Here's a table to make it a little easier to see.

The Value of Human Life (in shekels of silver)

Age	Sex	Value (in Shekels of Silver)
less than one month (Newborn babies and fetuses)	male	0
	female	0
one month to 5 years	male	5
	female	3
5 to 20 years	male	20
	female	10
20 to 60 years	male	50
	female	30
over 60 years	male	15
	female	10

And here's a graph, showing the same information.

So now you know how much you're worth in shekels of silver. But what would that be in U.S. dollars?

Well a shekel is about 11 grams and a kilogram of silver sells today for about $661.50. So here's the true value of every human life in dollars and cents.

The Value of Human Life (in U.S. dollars)

Age	Sex	Value (in U.S. dollars)
less than one month (Newborn babies and fetuses)	male	0
	female	0
one month to 5 years	male	36.40
	female	21.84
5 to 20 years	male	145.60
	female	72.80
20 to 60 years	male	364.00
	female	218.40
over 60 years	male	109.20
	female	72.80

From the graph, a few things are obvious.

1. People aren't worth much to God.
2. Males are worth more than females.
   (A female is worth one-half to two-thirds a male depending on age.)
3. Newborn babies (less than 1 month old) and fetuses are worth nothing at all.

Smashing little ones against stones: Putting Psalm 137:9 in context

I'm often accused of taking things out of context. And sometimes, I suppose, I'm guilty of that. But generally if I fail to adequately consider the context of a biblical text, the context makes a seemingly bad passage even worse. Psalm 137:9 is a good example.

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

Now, at first sight this verse seems bad enough. How could parents be happy while smashing their children against stones? 

But that's not what this verse is about. It's about other "happy" people who will smash Babylonian children. The happy children smashers will be sent by God to "reward" the Babylonians for "serving" (enslaving) the Israelites during the Babylonian captivity, as is made clear by the preceding verse.

O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Psalm 137:8

This is more easily seen in other translations. Here, for example, is this passage in the English Standard Version:

O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed, blessed shall he be who repays you with what you have done to us! Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock! Psalm 137:8-9 (ESV)

The baby smashers are not only "happy" they are "blessed" -- blessed by God for doing his dirty work for him.

Here is how Matthew Henry explains it in his "Pulpit Commentary" on Psalm 137:9:

Happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us; i.e. happy shall he be that completes thy destruction, and the destruction of thy people. He will be the instrument for carrying out God's vengeance.

The happy and blessed children smashers are God's instruments for carrying out his vengeance.

Context almost always makes the Bible worse.

Billy Graham and Mark 7:9: No picking and choosing allowed! (You must stone to death your disobedient children.)

God, I love Billy Graham's answers. And they're getting better all the time.

Here, for example, is L.K.'s July 31 question:

I find it inspiring to read the Bible, but I can’t go along with those who say it’s the divine Word of God, because frankly I find some of it kind of hard to swallow. Why can’t we just choose the parts we agree with and leave the rest alone?

And Billy Graham's answer:

We could do this, of course; many people actually do exactly that — picking and choosing what they’ll believe in the Bible while rejecting the rest. They are like the people of whom Jesus said, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!” (Mark 7:9).

So, Yes L.K., the Bible has some awful stuff in it. But you can't just pick and choose what to believe: you have to believe and obey it all -- just like Jesus said in Mark 7:9.

But what was Jesus talking about in Mark 7:9? To understand that, you need to look at the context. Here are the relevant verses from Mark 7.

7:5 Then the Pharisees and scribes asked him, Why walk not thy disciples according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashen hands?

7:6 He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.

7:7 Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.

7:8 For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.

7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.

7:10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

In this passage, Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment of God: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death."

The "commandment of God" that Jesus referred to is found in Leviticus 20:9.

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

And Jesus had a good point here. The Bible is clear about children -- those that curse their parents (Leviticus 20:9), or strike them (Exodus 21:15), or refuse to obey them (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) are to be killed, in the latter case by stoning to death. But the Bible is much less clear about washing hands before eating.

So don't worry too much about washing up before meals. There's not much in the Bible about it and Jesus didn't bother with it. But if your kids disobey you, you know what you have to do.

You don't have to ask Billy Graham about it. He and Jesus have already answered that question for you.

Tebow 136: God's message from last night's game

In last week's overtime win against the Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards. And, of course, believers everywhere immediately knew that God was trying to tell us all something.

You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.

God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.

So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?

Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.

Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.

After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).

Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:

13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.

God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)

I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!

Biblical Family Values: An analysis by book

Here are the family values plots.

Matthew and Luke have the most Family Values in the New Testament and Genesis does in the Old.

And here's how it looks when size is accounted for. (Family Values Index is the number of Family Values per 100 verses.)

First Peter takes the FVI prize in the New Testament and Hosea, Esther, and Ruth win the Old Testament's gold, silver, and bronze Family Values medals.

And here is the log-log plot (minus the books with no family values).

Next: Injustice.

God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death

I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing. Maybe you can help me figure out what it was.

God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14

So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.

Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel's wife.

Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. Ezekiel 24:15-16aa

Now, I don't think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel's wife "with a stroke." Here's how the Revised Standard Version puts it.

Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke." Ezekiel 24:16a (SRV)

So although we don't know how, we do know he's going to kill her right away, "in a stroke."

And when he does, God doesn't want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He's not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, bind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.

Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. Ezekiel 24:16a-17

And that's what happens. God killed Ezekiel's wife and Ezekiel didn't give a shit.

My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. Ezekiel 24:16

Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, like Ezekiel didn't mourn his wife when God killed her. (At least I think that's the point here. Let me know if you think I'm wrong.)

Here's what Ezekiel told the people after God killed his wife.

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. Ezekiel 24:20-24

Well, now, that's a point worth killing for, isn't it?

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God's next killing: Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)

God and/or Satan kill Job's children, slaves, and animals

This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn't do it alone; God was a co-conspirator.

The story begins by introducing Job.

Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she asses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man east of the Mediterranean.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1:1-3

Job's sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.

And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Job 1:4

Job worried that his sons (he didn't worry about about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for God in order to sanctify his sons.

And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. Job 1:5

One day the sons of God came over to to God's place. And Satan was with them.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Job 1:6

God ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn't seen him for a while and wanted to know what he'd been up to lately.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Job 1:7a

Satan said that he'd been down hiking around on earth.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:7b

God asked Satan if he'd seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, God-fearing, and whatnot.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Job 1:8

Satan knew who God was talking about. He told God that Job had a good reason to be good. God made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Job 1:9-10

Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he'll curse you to your face, Big Guy.

But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Job 1:11

So God said, "You're on, Satan. Go back down to earth and and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don't do anything to him."

And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Job 1:12a

So Satan left God's place and, presumably, went down to earth to visit Job.

So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. Job 1:12b

When Satan got down to earth, he found Job's children partying, as usual.

And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: Job 1:13

And then all hell broke loose.

A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves ("servants" in the KJV).

And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-15

And then, while he was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that "a fire from God had fallen from heaven" and burned up Job's sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 116:

And then while the second messenger was talking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the house that his children were partying at, killing them all.
(These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:18-19

After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. Job 1:20

Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21

God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn't blame God.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. Job 1:22

But God was to blame, even if Job didn't have the guts to say so.

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We know that God and Satan killed Job's seven sons and three daughters. Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God's little bet with Satan, but the Bible doesn't say how many. I'll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).

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God's next killing: Hananiah

Jeroboam

After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers, he killed their leader, king Jeroboam.

Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20

You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9

(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)

God had already killed Jeroboam's son, and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family.
I'm not sure why. I guess it's all a part of God's family values.

This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I've decided to order God's killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It's hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.

God's next killing: a million Ethiopians 

Baasha's family and friends

Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son and the rest of his family because he didn't like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he's at it again.

This time it's king Baasha that he's is pissed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam's son and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam's family, "according to the saying of the Lord."

Now you'd think that God would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you'd be wrong about that. God was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam's family, even though he apparently inspired him to do it. God works in really creepy ways.

God made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.

Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu the son of Hanani against Baasha, saying, Forasmuch as I exalted thee out of the dust, and made thee prince over my people Israel; and thou hast walked in the way of Jeroboam, and hast made my people Israel to sin, to provoke me to anger with their sins; Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat. 1 Kings 16:1-4

Yep, that's right. God will kill everyone in Baasha's family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.

But God doesn't do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.)

So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16:6

After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. Then God got to work on his next mass murder.
One of Elah's captains (Zimri) was selected by God to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was "drinking himself drunk") and then all of Baasha's family and friends -- all those that pissed against a wall, anyway.

His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, ... drinking himself drunk. ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead. ...
And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 1 Kings 16:9-12

So God had all of Baasha's wall-pissing friends and family killed. It doesn't say how many that was, so I'll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.

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Since I'm not having much luck getting apologists to defend God's killings, I thought I'd add a note from one of my favorite Bibles, the Quest Study Bible (QSB). Here's what they say about God's 80th killing. (p. 492)

Why did God punish Baasha? (16:7)
Baasha's violence accomplished God's purpose, but that one act did not make him a servant of God. God held him accountable for his evil intentions, not for inadvertently full fulling God's will. Baasha had wiped out Jeroboam's clan to increase his power base, not to honor God.

[Note that the editors of the QSB don't deny that God wanted Baasha to kill Jeroboam's family. In fact, they clearly believe that the slaughter was a good and noble act. The problem, they say, was Baasha's intention (which, by the way, the Bible says nothing about). If Baasha had of massacred Jeroboam's family to "honor God," it would have been (in their warped minds) a wonderful, virtuous act! You have to have the right intention when you slaughter a family for God.

But because Baasha didn't have the proper intention when performing the mass murder, God was forced to have someone else (Zimri) murder Baasha's family and friends. One holy mass murder leads to another.
But I guess Zimri didn't have the right intention either when he slaughtered Baasha's family and friends, so he burned himself to death because he did "evil in the sight of the LORD." But that's another story.]

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God's next killing: Zimri burns to death

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Jeroboam's son: God kills another child

The story begins with a sick child, Abijah the son of king Jeroabom.

At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14:1

Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.

And Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 1 Kings 14:2-3

(Why did Jeroboam tell his wife to disguise herself? Would it matter much to a blind prophet?)
So she went to Ahijah's house.

And Jeroboam's wife did so, and arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4a

Before her visit, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam's wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.

But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman.1 Kings 14:4b-5

So when Jeroboam's wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.

And it was so, when Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door, that he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 1 Kings 14:6

He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn't perfect like God's servant David was. (See here for some of the perfect acts of David.) In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods. 1 Kings 14:7-9

So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam's sons (or, as God put it, all those "that pisseth against the wall").

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall ... 1 Kings 14:10a

And dispose of Jeroboam's family as though they were pieces of shit.

... and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10b

Then he'll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

And finally, God will kill Jeroboam's sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And God killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.

And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17

Could anyone love the God of the Bible after reading this story?

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God's next killing: Jeroboam's family

The Ammonite massacre

This is the fifth time the same stupid story is repeated in Judges (See Judges 2:14, 3:8, 4:2, and 6:1 for the others), so you know by now what's going to happen.

1. The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.
2. God gets angry and sells them as slaves. (This time to the Ammonites.)
3. The Israelites cry out to God.
4. God slaughters the people he sold the Israelites to.

A few details change each time the story is told: the number of years that the Israelites are enslaved, the people that he sells them to, and the person that he chooses to help him with the massacre. This time God chooses Jephthah.

As usual, everything starts to go to hell when the spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah.

Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah ... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. Judges 11:29-31

Did you catch that? The spirit of the Lord comes upon Jephthah and he promises to kill whatever comes out to greet him if God will help him massacre the Ammonites. God not only approved of Jephthah's vow, he inspired it.

And, of course, God comes through with his end of the deal by giving Jephthah "a very great slaughter."

So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter. Judges 11:29-39

God delivered 20 cities into Jephthah's hand and "he smote them ... with a very great slaughter." And then Jephthah came home, which leads us to God's next killing.

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Note: I originally only gave God credit for 1000 in this killing, but I increased it to 20,000 to account for the 20 massacred cities.

Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

This is hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.

After the Jerusalem Massacre, the "children of Judah" go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms "with the edge of the sword."

You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.

It's hard to say how many cities were massacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath, and Bethel.

Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron … and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10

Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17

And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. … And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25

And there would have been a lot more if it weren't for those damned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for God.

The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19

These killings also contain an important message about Biblical Family Values. Look at the timeless example that Caleb gives to fathers everywhere.

And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. 1.12-13

Isn't that a sweet story? God's special hero gave his daughter to the man who could kill the most people. Now that's Biblical Family Values for you!

(Since five cities were massacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.)

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God's Next Killing: The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim
Table of God's Killings

Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

This is one of those bible stories that most believers don't really believe in, if they know it exists, that is. It's simply not possible to believe this story and also believe that the God of the Bible is anything other than evil.

The story begins with Joshua sending spies to the land of Ai. The spies return saying Ai would be easy to conquer, requiring only a few thousand men.

Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai … and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai. And they returned to Joshua, and said …let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai … for they are but few. Joshua 7.2-3

So Joshua sent 3,000 soldiers, but they were defeated by the men of Ai, who killed about 36 of them.

So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai. And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men. 7.4-5

When Joshua heard what had happened, he tore his clothes, fell on his face, and put dirt on his head, thereby proving that he was a real Bible character.

Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. 7.6

He then asked God why they were defeated.

Joshua said, Alas, O LORD God, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? 7.7

God told Joshua to get up off his face.

The LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? 7.10

And then God said that the Israelites were defeated by Ai because someone took an accursed thing during the Jericho Massacre.

Israel hath sinned … for they have even taken of the accursed thing … and they have put it even among their own stuff. Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. 7.11-12

But God told Joshua what he needed to do to get back to successful genocide: burn to death the man with the accursed thing, along with his family.

He that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath. 7.15

God even pointed out the guy. His name was Achan.

In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, that the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families thereof; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man. … So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah was taken: And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken: And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken. 7.14-18

So Joshua ordered Achan to confess.

Joshua said unto Achan … make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide it not from me. 7.19

And he did.

Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done: When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. 7.20-21

He then rounded up Achan, his family, his livestock, and all their possessions. "And all Israel stoned them with stones and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." And that made God less angry.

And Joshua …took Achan … and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep … And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. 7.24-26

Since Achan’s sons and daughters were stoned and burned along with him, there must have been at least 5 victims here. (No mention is made of his wife.)

God's next killing: The Ai massacre

When to Stone Your Whole Family

OK, I admit it. I stole the title from the Brick Testament.

But the Brick Testament pretty much stole it from the Bible, so I guess it all works out OK.

Deuteronomy 13 gets my vote for the worst chapter in the Bible. But before we get into it, let's look at its context.

The last verse of chapter 12 says this.

What thing soever I command you, observe to do it: thou shalt not add thereto, nor diminish from it. Deuteronomy 12:32

The person who is supposedly talking here is God, and he says to do whatever he says, exactly as he says, no more and no less.

And what does he say to do immediately after this verse? Three things.

1. Kill any prophet or dreamer of dreams. Even if they have cool signs and wonders. (Like Jesus.)

   If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder ... that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death. Deuteronomy 13:1-5

2. Kill your family if they have religious beliefs that differ from your own. (Like that crazy aunt of yours who's a Jehovah's Witness.)

   If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

3. Kill everyone in every city that has citizens that believe differently than you. (Like Salt Lake City.)

   If thou shalt hear ... men ... saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which ye have not known ... Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:12-17

But I'd like to focus on God's second command in Deuteronomy 13: When to Stone Your Whole Family.

If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him. Deuteronomy 13:6-8

But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death. Deuteronomy 13:8-9

and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:9

So God commands us all to stone to death, without pity, our wife, husband, son, daughter, brother, sister, or friend, if they have religious beliefs that are different from our own. (Our own beliefs are the correct beliefs, of course.)

And God said immediately before these verses that "what thing soever I command you, observe to do it."

Is there a believer that follows God's command in Deuteronomy 13:6-10? Or who thinks it's a good idea but is too chicken to do it? Or that was a good idea back in the day but isn't so good now?

Is there a believer who thinks this command was really given by, or at least inspired by, God? Or that God had anything to do with it?

Is there a believer who is not deeply ashamed that this passage is in the Bible?

If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Is it wrong to burn people to death?

That's an easy question for most of us to answer. It's one of the few things that we can all agree on: it is wrong always and everywhere to burn to death anyone for any reason whatsoever.

But Bible believers aren't so sure about that. It must be OK to burn people to death or God wouldn't have commanded us to do so, as he clearly did in Leviticus 20:14, for example.

And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.

Notice that God tells us to burn to death all three: man, wife, and mother-in-law. It may have been the man's idea, but we must burn all three anyway. (Couldn't we try counseling first?)

Is there anyone that really believes this is a good idea? Is there anyone who thinks it was a good idea a few thousand years ago? Will it be a good idea a few thousand years from now?

A god who commands people to burn other people to death is not a good god. This verse alone should be enough show that the Bible was not inspired by a kind and loving god.

Mothers are dirty and sinful (according to the Bible anyway)

I know it's an awful thing to say on Mother's Day, and I certainly don't believe it myself. (Honest Mom!) But the God of the Bible does. There's a whole chapter about it in Leviticus. Here's what it says.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, ... If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days. ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days. ... But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:1-5

So the proud, new mother of a baby boy is unclean for a week and must purify herself for 33 days after her son is born. And if the baby is a girl, the mother is twice as dirty; she is unclean for two weeks and must be purified for 66 days after giving birth. (The take-home message here is that, to God, girls are twice as dirty as boys.)

But a new mother is not only dirty to the biblical God; she is sinful, as well. So sinful, in fact, that she must sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a dove as a sin offering (or two doves if she can't find a lamb to kill).

And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering. ... And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering. Leviticus 12:6-8

Happy Mother's Day (to all you dirty, sinful mothers out there)!

Angel sex, giants, and and an 8-fold reduction in the human life span (all in four verses)

Don't you just love how action-packed the Bible is? I do.

Take Genesis 6:1-4, for example. Here are the first two verses:

And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. Genesis 6:1-2

How's that for a great story, eh? The sons of God had sex with the daughters of men.

But who were the sons of God, you ask?

Well, it beats the hell out of me. Christians often call Jesus the son of God, but he wouldn't have been one of the guys having sex here, would he? I doubt it. It was probably a bunch of perverted angels. At least that's what most believers seem to think.

Okay, so angels came down and had sex with women. Why would that matter to anyone?

Because that is why God decided to reduce the human lifespan from 900+ to 120 years. The reason no one is older than Edna Parker (who turned 115 yesterday), is that those damned angels had sex with women. At least that's what God seems to say in the very next verse:

And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years. Genesis 6:3

So God reduced the human life span by a factor of 8 because angels had sex with women. (Or because all men are flesh. But that doesn't seem likely -- even for a half-crazed God.)

Oh, there are a couple other things to tell you about: giants and "men of renown". Here's what the Bible has to say.

There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. Genesis 6:4

I don't know whether the "mighty men of renown" were giants or what. But I just thought I'd throw that in, since it was just thrown into the Bible.

Test your faith: Is it as great as Abraham's?

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. Genesis 22:2, 10

Kill the Afterlife has a great test for believers of the Abrahamic faiths (Jews, Muslims, Christians -- heck, I suppose that'd even include Mormons). What would Abraham do? Would you, could you, should you do likewise?

Are you a Christian? Muslim? Jew? Good, because I want to ask you a question.

Remember the old story about Abraham being commanded by God to kill his son in the land of Moriah? Remember how Abraham was about to faithfully commit infanticide on his own offspring in the name of God, but then at the last second God stopped him?
...
This is a thought/faith experiment. First, we acknowledge that you are an Abrahamic theist (Christian, Muslim, or Jew). Second we assume that you have a child (if you don't have one in real life, let's pretend that you do for the sake of argument). Third, let's imagine that God came to you and told you to sacrifice your child on the peak of the nearest mountain, a la Abraham at Moriah.

Of course, in the story, God stopped Abraham at the last minute and allowed Abraham to kill a ram instead. But Abraham didn't know that God would stop him. And more importantly, Abraham was about to carry out the infanticidal act with total faith and conviction.

So the question to you, dear theist, is: Would you do it?

Seriously! Don't dodge the question. According to your faith, God did it before, so put yourself in Abraham's shoes. This is a test of your faith and conviction. This is a test to see if you put God first in your life!

If God asked you to kill your child, would you do it with total faith and conviction? Would you pass the test as Abraham did?

Lot, the just and righteous

Lot was one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family. And why did God save Lot, you ask? Because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man.

And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked: (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing, vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds.) -- 2 Peter 2:7-8

What did God like so much about Lot? Well, the bible doesn't say. About the only thing that we know about him is that he offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. -- Genesis 19:8
(Lot was probably lying about the "virgin" part, just to make his daughters look more attractive to the lecherous mob. According to Genesis 19:14 both of his "virgin" daughters were married.)

And that he later allowed himself to get drunk and impregnate them.

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him. ... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-36

But that should be enough to show us what God considers "just and righteous."

Sodom and Gomorrah

The Seduction of Lot

The Bible's War on Marriage

There's a war on out there. A war on marriage. But the attack is not from gays or atheists, or even from academic feminists. It's from the Bible. Consider these verses that:

Encourage polygamy.

If he take him another wife.... -- Exodus 21:10

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated.... -- Deuteronomy 21:15

Encourage adultery.

And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms. -- Hosea 1:2

Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress.... So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley. -- Hosea 3:1-2

Encourage the buying and selling of wives.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well.... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:25-27

Discourage marriage.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. -- 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

Discourage sex in marriage.

But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. -- 1 Corinthians 7:29

Encourage divorce.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her.... -- Deuteronomy 22:13

When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. -- Deuteronomy 24:1-2

So in the war on marriage, the republicans are fighting the wrong enemy. It's not gay marriage that needs to be outlawed; it's the Bible.